Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

[Jonesjonsy]

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

I think your date thought you were offering to pay...I would have done. Tbh its a bit of a jump going from a casual walk and decent meal but you chose the venue. See what happens on date 3. Maybe in a couple of years it'll make an amusing anecdote for the wedding speeches

Haven’t RTFT and I might get flamed for this, but when I was dating I never paid for anything in the first few dates and only offered to split the bill when I was actually dating someone (a few dates in and more or less exclusive). Not because I’m stingy but because I didn’t tend to go for men who don’t understand the rules of engagement. The men I was dating would have been horrified if a woman offered to pay on a first or second date (most were non-British).

I'd have thought you were offering to pay. He probably thought the same. And didn't want to insult your independence.

It might not be what you would expect but I am different, I think later on it doesn't have to be that way but I am just stating my preference, it's not right or wrong. There's some cultures where it's a norm and others where it isn't.

You and me both.

If you don't want to, then don't.

Sorry but no. I don't think you did make a mistake - ok he might have misunderstood BUT and this is the red flag for me - who the heck is ok with someone paying for a £110 meal on a second date without putting up some sort of fight????

That isn't even a man thing! If I bought someone an £8 lunch and they said 'I will get this' for a £110 meal - even if I misunderstood my response would be - oh nooooo don't be silly the sandwich was only £8! I would put up resistance! Male/female, gender stereotypes out the window - anyone who sits back and just says 'well I had a nice time' and leaves it at that, is a red flag - no matter what.

To literally put up fuck all resistance....who does that?

Blaring red flags!! Gender has nothing to do with it. You're on a second date! He should have thought that was ridiculous, totally not the same thing and said so - to which you then had the choice to say - no no honestly my treat OR - ok well put £45 on your card and I will settle the rest - and we can say I bought you a drink.

Bin him.

I think you weren’t very clear and that could easily have been understood to mean that you were going to pay for the bill.

I know on the scale of things to worry about it’s not major, but I do feel sorry for men when it comes to the bill paying. Minefield!

This.

100% @Saywhanow.

Sorry bin him.

You did make it sound like you wanted to pay all of it. But, I think he should of insisted on paying his half at least.

I think any male or female should feel a bit embarrassed about eating and drinking about £70 worth of scran and not even having a token argument about going halves with the date/friend they are only just getting to know.

He's a sparks. He can read. He can read prices on a menu.

But OP can say, 'your shout next time - you pick'. If she wants them to start going to less pricey places, she can say. Personally I think £110 for two people in a 'pub restaurant' is not all that 'out there' for booze, steak etc in Bristol city centre these days.

The post I quoted made it look as though he deliberately chose an expensive venue in order to pull a fast one on OP - which is not true

Er, that was me and I wasn't saying that at all. My point was not that he chose the venue - he doesn't seem to be choosing or organising anything - but that it would be obviously unless you're extremely dense that by ordering a cocktail, wine, two courses (+tip?) that it would be a fair old sum and not comparable to what he had paid for previously. Surely when he was looking at the menu he could see the prices. He may be oblivious or he may be freeloading a bit, regardless of the OP's lack of clarity.

I think it’s fine for him to accept you paying 110 on the second date, if he does similar on the 3rd. And you basically said you’d pay.

so for me it’s about thr 3rd now.

Agreed! Fucking freeloader 🤮

@Jonesjonsy agree with @Saywhanow and @DeeCeeCherry 100%
He sat back and let you cover a huge bill, hoping you wouldn't then say go halves. By all means go on a 3rd date but let him organise it.

And if the genders were reversed?

You can’t do that. I said similar and was told I was making up scenarios

I already got that covered ^^ as did many pp

I didn’t tend to go for men who don’t understand the rules of engagement. The men I was dating would have been horrified if a woman offered to pay on a first or second date (most were non-British).

Never mind which country - what century was it? If you want some form of equality, why are you insisting they pay? And I get that with wage gaps, they may well earn more. But you're not going to break out of that by sticking to 'he's the man, he pays'.

Personally I'd be really uneasy with a man paying all that on a date, especially in the beginning. I don't like to feel like he might think I owe him in some way.

I'd expect to go dutch.

That's why most sentient posters are pondering - why didn't he say, 'nah, we'll go halves - it's really pricey!'?

He could see the prices of his drinks and courses when he ordered. He can read and count.

Have your third date. Dinner at somewhere of a comparable value to date two.

If he pays, or offers to pay, then all is good.

If he suggests splitting the bill - bin.

You are probably right, but there are plenty of people (in the City?) for whom £110 would be petty cash. My former colleagues would literally think nothing of spending that on Tuesday lunch. Each.