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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

765 replies

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

OP posts:
DeliciouslyDecadent · 01/08/2023 20:03

Nobody is going to be thinking someone with a second job as a cleaner is so rich they can’t compete!

Can you try a bit harder to put the OP down?
She describes herself as a business woman, running her own business.
Does the date know what she does?

DancingInTheRaindrops · 01/08/2023 20:03

Something sounds a bit off.
I have never known anyone eat that amount of food in one go. (and l have teenage sons) My first impressions would be greedy pig. He must have noted the prices surely on the menu, l think he's out of order not offering to split it, it's way too expensive for a second date. I would have felt uncomfortable allowing the other person to pay full amount, especially as it sounds as though he ordered a lot more than you did. If he felt awkward objecting at the time he could have texted you later saying l would feel better if you let me split the bill with you.
I think it's a shame you didn't express yourself clearly, but that's no excuse for him to take the piss.
Let him decide the next date, his choice will tell you everything you need to know.

Original poster
Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 20:05

Just to say that he didn’t have two puddings - that was in total. We had one each but he had steak and a few wines etc

to the other poster - yes he did now what I did. We talked a lot about our lives and what we did was included in that

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 01/08/2023 20:06

I have never known anyone eat that amount of food in one go. (and l have teenage sons) My first impressions would be greedy pig.

He didn't have two mains and two desserts. OP was referring to what she paid for.

He had a cocktail, two large glasses of wine, a steak and a dessert. Unclear if there was a starter or not. Not a light meal, certainly, but not an unbelievable amount.

SamW98 · 01/08/2023 20:06

Although I think there was a misunderstanding OP and that he should have at least offered you a contribution, if your gut is telling you something then listen to it.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 01/08/2023 20:06

DeliciouslyDecadent · 01/08/2023 20:03

Nobody is going to be thinking someone with a second job as a cleaner is so rich they can’t compete!

Can you try a bit harder to put the OP down?
She describes herself as a business woman, running her own business.
Does the date know what she does?

It’s not a put down. Being a cleaner is a perfectly valid job and sounds like the OP is making it into a small business so good on her. It’s exactly like saying nobody is going to assume a nurse is rolling in it which is the truth.

category12 · 01/08/2023 20:07

Has he said thank you yet? @Jonesjonsy

Starseeking · 01/08/2023 20:07

To be clearer, what you should have said is "I can't let you pay the whole bill again; let's split it 50/50.

By you telling him not to pay, the only assumption he could have made is that you would (there was no-one else to do so!).

You sounded like you were treating him, but then again, it doesn't like he protested at all, or at least attempted to pay any part of the bill, which is probably what you're finding a bit unattractive (I would too, so not judging you on this).

Sazza26xx · 01/08/2023 20:12

You may not have communicated it great but I do think he should have insisted on going half as a £20 date he paid for is a big comparison to £110 you paid

Mary46 · 01/08/2023 20:12

Def need to be clearer but he could have offered something money wise.. op did he say he be in contact?

Makemineacosmo · 01/08/2023 20:12

OP it sounds like you want someone to 'sweep you off your feet'. Your use of language like he 'got' you to pay, talking of chivalry and romance makes me think that you just don't really like him that much anyway. Men can't win sometimes, even if they try not to make assumptions about what a woman wants, they still can't please some.

I think it would be a shame to bin someone who you haven't given much of a chance, because of a misunderstanding. Maybe his ideas of dating are more modern than yours?

Chatillon · 01/08/2023 20:14

I think you misread the situation, but I see that has been accepted now.

To be honest, I think the bigger issue to me is how do you afford to live in Bristol on £2k a month? Or even attempt to create a lifestyle in that area on that level of income?

Original poster
Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 20:19

It’s a good lifestyle. I’m not in the centre and have housemates. I do think it’s got more expensive than it was but it’s also still good for a city

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 01/08/2023 20:20

Are you in Oz, OP? "Sparky"...

I wonder if the dating culture is different there? My (probably outdated) impression is that it's quite traditionally "manly", which might inform the way in which this kind of thing might be taken.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2023 20:21

Oh sorry, you've been clear where you are. Ignore me.

PuddlesPityParty · 01/08/2023 20:21

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2023 20:20

Are you in Oz, OP? "Sparky"...

I wonder if the dating culture is different there? My (probably outdated) impression is that it's quite traditionally "manly", which might inform the way in which this kind of thing might be taken.

Eh? I’ve heard plenty of people say sparky in the U.K.

Gymnopedie · 01/08/2023 20:22

This is not a keeper.
He is trying to subconsciously groom you to take charge and pay for him. Fine if you are happy to but if you are looking for signs of commitment, chivalry and fairplay, throw this one back.
This one has CockLodger all over him.

Blimey that's a bit of a stretch. Subconsciously grooming - when HE asked for the bill?

OP - "And yes the title of the thread was bad but I was genuinely miffed"

Or was it another instance of you not saying what you actually mean?

'Getting you to pay' would have been sitting waiting for you to ask for the bill, or disappearing to the loo when the bill came, or asking if he should get you the bill. He did none of those things, so however miffed you were it doesn't justify your thread title. Perhaps this is a wake up call to be more accurate in what you say.

Twillow · 01/08/2023 20:30

Your mistake. Clearly gave the impression you were footing the whole bill. It's the 21st century - no biggie.

JudyGemstone · 01/08/2023 20:32

I live in Bristol on around £2500 a month, it’s not that expensive outside of certain areas.

which pub by the station was it out of interest??

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2023 20:34

PuddlesPityParty · 01/08/2023 20:21

Eh? I’ve heard plenty of people say sparky in the U.K.

Show quote history

I haven't...always been Aussies. But obviously they do.

Livelifelaughter · 01/08/2023 20:38

I am quite old fashioned about this sort of thing, I think he should have paid regardless of what you said (which is quite confusing by the way). I wouldn't split a bill on an early date. It sounds a little awkward to be honest, quite transactional; he's rushing off to get a train, none of the courses are shared; such as the pudding. It would have been very obvious that this was going to be more than a sandwich.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 01/08/2023 20:39

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2023 20:20

Are you in Oz, OP? "Sparky"...

I wonder if the dating culture is different there? My (probably outdated) impression is that it's quite traditionally "manly", which might inform the way in which this kind of thing might be taken.

OMG, ‘sparky’ is widely used in the UK and Ireland. Stop fixating on irrelevant parts of the story! (Light-hearted before anyone takes massive offence).

SlipSlidinAway · 01/08/2023 20:40

Livelifelaughter · 01/08/2023 20:38

I am quite old fashioned about this sort of thing, I think he should have paid regardless of what you said (which is quite confusing by the way). I wouldn't split a bill on an early date. It sounds a little awkward to be honest, quite transactional; he's rushing off to get a train, none of the courses are shared; such as the pudding. It would have been very obvious that this was going to be more than a sandwich.

Why do you think he should have paid? Because he's a man? Really?

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2023 20:42

CrazyArmadilloLady · 01/08/2023 20:39

OMG, ‘sparky’ is widely used in the UK and Ireland. Stop fixating on irrelevant parts of the story! (Light-hearted before anyone takes massive offence).

Show quote history

Light hearted? Where's the joke?

I asked because it occurred to me that OP might be Aussie and if so, there might be a dating cultural context to it. As soon as I hit post, I remembered she said she was in Bristol and I did say to ignore me, so so much for your aversion to fixating on the irrelevant...

I've not heard Brits say sparky before, but I accept that they do and I've missed it.

Can you ignore me now? Please? Light hearted, of course.

FloydPepper · 01/08/2023 20:44

SlipSlidinAway · 01/08/2023 20:40

Why do you think he should have paid? Because he's a man? Really?

Show quote history

There’s a surprising high number of people who still think like that. Usually refer to it as traditional, old fashioned, romantic, any other bollocks to basically say they want the man to pay