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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

765 replies

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

OP posts:
blueshoes · 01/08/2023 19:39

ilyana · 01/08/2023 19:34

Yes, this! OP's early posts gave the impression she's well off.

For people who are actually well off, £110 isn't a big bill, and I suspect this is where a lot of the confusion is coming from. With the way inflation is recently, £55 a head certainly isn't anything out of the norm. I paid £30 for a really basic burger and a couple of pints in a London pub last night. Was literally just killing in time in there after work before going to a show. £55 a head is completely normal if ordering multiple courses and drinks.

Show quote history

I agree that OP's early posts implied that she has a bigger income than she just described. But fair dos to her for working hard and improving her situation.

Also, I agree that 55 pp for 2-3 courses and drinks is very normal in a standard not particularly pricey pub.

OP, for future dates, whether with this chancer or not, best to stick to coffee/sandwiches in a cafe. Sounds like this man at least got that one right.

pamplemoussemousse · 01/08/2023 19:40

I cannot imagine leaving ANYONE, male or female, to pay the full bill on a second date where the total was over £100 without at least offering to split it. That's basic manners! If they'd have said no I insist then I'd have of course respected that but I'd also have said thank you, next one is my treat then.

I wouldn't be looking for a 3rd date to recoup my costs either, I'd be chalking it up to experience and moving on. The ick would have happened and it would be a non starter.

alexdgr8 · 01/08/2023 19:43

don't waste anymore time, or thought , on this man.
move on.

Tessabelle74 · 01/08/2023 19:43

You offered to pay, he let you. Why is that a red flag? Next time suggest splitting the bill then he'll know what you ACTUALLY meant 🙄

DeliciouslyDecadent · 01/08/2023 19:44

men can't win though, can they?

They are told to accept that when a woman says NO she means it and likewise when she says YES.

So they don't like to argue. Women want equality. The OP sells herself as being a successful business woman.

Here, the OP isn't clear at all what she said!

In her first post she said she offered to pay (it all).
In the other posts she said she didn't want him to pay it all.

She also makes out she has a lucrative business, when in fact it's a weekend cleaning job.

On balance, I'd let this go and see if he contacts her for another date.

WisherWood · 01/08/2023 19:44

OP if you don't want to go out with him again then don't. Personally I think this could be about miscommunication. But him not organising stuff would put me off. Or, it could be that he's dating a lot so he's just going for easier options. But you can just not like him and not want to out with him again for whatever reason you choose.

Original poster
Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 19:45

DeliciouslyDecadent · 01/08/2023 19:44

men can't win though, can they?

They are told to accept that when a woman says NO she means it and likewise when she says YES.

So they don't like to argue. Women want equality. The OP sells herself as being a successful business woman.

Here, the OP isn't clear at all what she said!

In her first post she said she offered to pay (it all).
In the other posts she said she didn't want him to pay it all.

She also makes out she has a lucrative business, when in fact it's a weekend cleaning job.

On balance, I'd let this go and see if he contacts her for another date.

I didn’t say in my first post that I offered to pay it all but I do agree I was unclear

OP posts:
ilyana · 01/08/2023 19:46

pamplemoussemousse · 01/08/2023 19:40

I cannot imagine leaving ANYONE, male or female, to pay the full bill on a second date where the total was over £100 without at least offering to split it. That's basic manners! If they'd have said no I insist then I'd have of course respected that but I'd also have said thank you, next one is my treat then.

I wouldn't be looking for a 3rd date to recoup my costs either, I'd be chalking it up to experience and moving on. The ick would have happened and it would be a non starter.

I've had random people I was never going to see again (in non-dating contexts) pay far more than that for my share of a meal. Sometimes I asked if they were sure or offered to split, but other times, I felt it would have been gauche or I would have actually struggled to pay. A husband (had never met him) of an old friend I hadn't seen in years took us out to dinner when I was visiting Tokyo years ago. We ended up in a really, really fancy place of his choice and had caviar and all sorts. I didn't offer to pay and just said thank you.

A lot of etiquette says that the person who chooses the venue and extends the invitation is expected to pay.

beeswaxinc · 01/08/2023 19:48

I know I have no evidence but my take on it especially as you did actually clearly say "I don't want you paying again" is that he thought you wanted to make a point of paying and being financially equal, so he didn't want to get off on the wrong foot by doing the typical man thing and refusing to let you pay which would be refusing to let you make your own decision as again, you clearly said to him you didn't want him to pay. Only you know if he seems nice enough for that to be an option (and even you don't know that well as it's your first date!)

See what he does on the third date, I'd be curious if nothing else!

CrazyArmadilloLady · 01/08/2023 19:48

pamplemoussemousse · 01/08/2023 19:40

I cannot imagine leaving ANYONE, male or female, to pay the full bill on a second date where the total was over £100 without at least offering to split it. That's basic manners! If they'd have said no I insist then I'd have of course respected that but I'd also have said thank you, next one is my treat then.

I wouldn't be looking for a 3rd date to recoup my costs either, I'd be chalking it up to experience and moving on. The ick would have happened and it would be a non starter.

Yes, to all of this ☝️

MeinKraft · 01/08/2023 19:50

You booked the expensive place and basically told him you were paying so I don't think this is his fault.

Miajk · 01/08/2023 19:51

Sirzy · 01/08/2023 18:53

If he had booked and paid for an expensive place for the second date would it be an amber flag if she hadn’t paid or does that only work one way?

Show quote history

I would certainly offer to split it. Also, it's the fact he didn't even say thank you. Both of these things together make up an amber flag in my mind

DeliciouslyDecadent · 01/08/2023 19:51

Bear one other thing in mind OP- he offered a dog walk and a coffee/snack. That's nice.

You offered a pub and paid for it all.

He may feel that you are too wealthy for him and that he can't compete with you.

He might be saying to his mates that " I met this woman online. We had a nice, relaxed walk and coffee. Then for our 2nd date she booked a posh pub and the bill was £100 and she paid for it.
She has 2 jobs, she's well off and I can't compete with that. Should I bother to see her again?"

There are always 2 sides to everything.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 01/08/2023 19:52

What does he do for a job @Jonesjonsy

Could he easily afford £55 for a pub meal?

How old are you both?

category12 · 01/08/2023 19:54

DeliciouslyDecadent · 01/08/2023 19:51

Bear one other thing in mind OP- he offered a dog walk and a coffee/snack. That's nice.

You offered a pub and paid for it all.

He may feel that you are too wealthy for him and that he can't compete with you.

He might be saying to his mates that " I met this woman online. We had a nice, relaxed walk and coffee. Then for our 2nd date she booked a posh pub and the bill was £100 and she paid for it.
She has 2 jobs, she's well off and I can't compete with that. Should I bother to see her again?"

There are always 2 sides to everything.

If he was intimidated by OP's supposed lifestyle, surely he wouldn't have ordered cocktails and steak and dessert?

And someone having two jobs doesn't scream being well-off to me.

Original poster
Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 19:54

He’s early 40s and me early 30s! He’s a sparky and seems to be doing well but I don’t make any assumptions

OP posts:
Growuppeople · 01/08/2023 19:55

Drinking problem 🤦‍♀️😂

DeliciouslyDecadent · 01/08/2023 19:57

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 19:54

He’s early 40s and me early 30s! He’s a sparky and seems to be doing well but I don’t make any assumptions

what on earth is a sparky?

Guess- electrician?

Original poster
Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 19:58

Yes sorry! Electrician

OP posts:
DeliciouslyDecadent · 01/08/2023 19:58

If he was intimidated by OP's supposed lifestyle, surely he wouldn't have ordered cocktails and steak and dessert?

But he presumably thought he was paying for himself, until the bill came and she offered to pay for it.

blueshoes · 01/08/2023 19:58

Yes, sparky is slang for electrician

YaWeeFurryBastard · 01/08/2023 19:59

DeliciouslyDecadent · 01/08/2023 19:51

Bear one other thing in mind OP- he offered a dog walk and a coffee/snack. That's nice.

You offered a pub and paid for it all.

He may feel that you are too wealthy for him and that he can't compete with you.

He might be saying to his mates that " I met this woman online. We had a nice, relaxed walk and coffee. Then for our 2nd date she booked a posh pub and the bill was £100 and she paid for it.
She has 2 jobs, she's well off and I can't compete with that. Should I bother to see her again?"

There are always 2 sides to everything.

Oh for goodness sake, the reaches going on here to try and excuse this man’s poor behaviour are incredible 😂. Nobody is going to be thinking someone with a second job as a cleaner is so rich they can’t compete!

Mayhem3 · 01/08/2023 20:00

He paid the first time and so you paid the second time which in theory is fair enough (and it did sound like you were planning to pay for it all which would make sense if he paid the first time).

But I could not afford that bill and if I was on a date and saw it came to that much then I’d insist on going halves.
So I can see why you’re a bit shocked.

I’m not sure whether it’s a red flag though and I’d see it as a grey area.

If there is a third date (which should be his turn to pay) then I think you need to say shall we just go halves.

I can imagine if there is another date he may want to take you to a more expensive place and so you paying half will mean you’re out of pocket still but I think if you keep taking in turns to pay then you’re going to keep having this sort of situation.

Mrstwiddle · 01/08/2023 20:00

Red flag, he'd have to be an idiot not to realise the huge difference in cost between the two meals.

category12 · 01/08/2023 20:02

DeliciouslyDecadent · 01/08/2023 19:58

If he was intimidated by OP's supposed lifestyle, surely he wouldn't have ordered cocktails and steak and dessert?

But he presumably thought he was paying for himself, until the bill came and she offered to pay for it.

Yes, which means your point about him being intimidated makes no sense. If he was worried about money, he wouldn't have ordered the expensive menu items.

As another poster has said, you're really reaching.

No-one thinks someone who is a secretary and does cleaning on the side is rolling in it.

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