Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

[Jonesjonsy]

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

the bill hadn’t arrived but he had asked for it as he needed to catch his train and I just said something like please don’t pay for the whole thing. I didn’t say I would pay. But I do see why it was confusing possibly.

That's not what you said in your first post.

Why didn't you give the full story then? It's very different to your first post.

What way? The way where you get to have your prejudices confirmed by inventing scenarios that didn't happen?

He didn't offer to take OP out somewhere expensive, so why are you so invested in a fantasy situation where he did? And why does your fantasy prove anything?

It's literally a scene that you made up. Who cares?

My only thought is that lots of people scupper potential relationships by over-analysing every little detail and talking themselves out of what might turn out to be a good relationship.

Give him the benefit of the doubt and fo on a third date if you enjoyed these other 2. Don’t let the fact that YOU said you’d pay and then did, or an over analysis of chivalry or the fact he had a cocktail, make you’d attribute characteristics or motives to him that might well not exist.

If you like him, give it a chance and go out with him again. If you don’t really like him, don’t bother. Forget about this bill and don’t let it define the way forward.

Dating costs money. If you go for a meal these days, unless you pick a very cheap location, if you have a couple of courses and some booze, you’re easily looking at £40+ per head and often more like £50 or much more. If you’re going to let someone ‘treat’ you, then you may well find yourself ‘treating’ to the tune of more than £100. If you don’t want to spend that kind of money, go for coffees or snack lunches. If you want to keep tighter control of your spending you need to choose the location based on price and are ahead of dates to split the bill. These things are all possible, but mean some potentially slightly awakward conversations ahead of dates. That’s fine and worth it if you don’t want surprise bills. But if you don’t want those upfront conversations because you think it’s not romantic, realise that him paying or not letting you pick up a bigger bill is much more likely. And have a think about why you feel what happened wasn’t right…is it reasonable to feel like that?

Go on a third date if you like him. Ask him to make the plans. All of these early dates are a chance to get to know each other. Sometimes it becomes clear really quickly if you’re in the same wave length or not, but often it can take longer for that to emerge. Hope you have some great dates.

He picked the 1st cheap venue - presumably because he might be going on a few dates and sensibly doesn’t want to be splashing out on anyone so soon. OP picked the 2nd more expensive venue. She could have also picked a cheaper place.

This is bonkers. You insisted on paying, how was he supposed to know what you really meant was let’s split it? Further you choose the establishment so presumably were happy with prices. I wouldn’t be put off by this, I’d chock it down as your error. I think you have set precedent that you want to pay your way / take it in turns to pay.

It did sound like you were offering to pay, but only an idiot would have accepted and let you.

Of course he should have said, ‘this is way more than lunch was, let’s just split it’. Nobody would be offended by that.

What kind of clueless, tight idiot downs three drinks and two courses - on a second date! - and let’s the other person pay for all of it?

I’d be very put off, too.

I’m married to an Irishman though, and they fight over being the person to pay, whether they’re on a date or with friends. Generosity is a far more attractive quality.

i can’t remember the exact wording but I didn’t actually say I would pay for the whole thing. I was trying to ackownledge that he had paid and I didn’t want him to pay for everything again. It was something along those lines but i totally take the hit I was unclear. And should have said something. Totally agree with that!

No, the OP picked the first venue as well - she has done all the organising.

But my response only turned around the genders from what another poster had said. My point was about how you can’t expect different both ways but I guess you do

I think you need to cut him some slack....he might not have reacted quickly enough when he learned about the amount, but it can be a bit of a minefield. If you offer to pay (that was how he heard it) and he doesn't accept, this could easily be a red flag for some women....doesn't treat you as equal, etc. He might have felt as as well that this bill is too much, but was worried how to protest without it coming across the wrong way.

I doubt that having a secretarial job and working as a cleaner at weekends means you are loaded.

Has he suggested a 3rd date?

How was it left at the end of the evening?

After your first date, who made contact for the 2nd date?

I'd let this bill issue go and see where it all leads.

It's very early days.

And your title of the post is very inaccurate. The reality is the complete opposite. He asked for the bill. You said he didn't have to pay all of it.
You didn't offer to pay for it all.

So- why did you?

Why didn't you say' Sorry, I mean we can go halves.'

You aren't explaining yourself well in your posts here so goodness knows what you said on the night.

You really need to work on how you represent yourself. You made out in the OP that you were Richard Branson with your own business. You're a secretary that cleans on the side. All credit to you creating opportunities but maybe you created an image with him that you are moneybags and £110 is a drop in the ocean for you.

🤗

He obviously misunderstood. You didn't really communicate it very clearly. The most unreasonable part of this post is paying 110 quid for 2 pub meals!!

Ok, since this means a lot to you and I hate for you to think your fantasy scenes prove anything...There would have been nothing wrong with him openly offering to treat OP to somewhere expensive. Equally, there would be nothing wrong with OP offering to do the same for him. It's an offer, freely made. It's fine. It's less fine to agree on an expensive dinner venue, without any agreement that it's all on one person, and then at the end let the other person cover the whole thing when it's a much more expensive meal than the sandwich you shouted. The sexes don't matter. It's gauche, whoever does it. It's almost as gauche as hearing the story, making up a completely different scenario that didn't happen and then deciding this made-up scenario confirms whatever silly prejudice caused you to invent it in the first place.

He didn't expect you to though... you offered!

You should've said 'shall we split this as it's a bit pricy?'

I think it's downright odd to stop seeing someone because you said you didn't want him to pay and so he didn't.

I am not sure why the need to apply equality to relationships. We can be as one-sided and prejudiced as we like for our future mates.

The Equality Act does not apply hth.

Im
pretty sure you understand how hypothetical situations can be discussed and I’m also
pretty sure you’ve discussed them at some point. Just not now…

There are pubs and pubs and Bristol is an expensive city.
They had cocktails and 2 glasses of wine (at least). That would come to over £20.
Which leaves around £30 for a main and a desert each.
Standard pub prices. Mains around £20- 25, puds around £8.

How awkward. He is either a chancer or one of those people that do not give money a second thought. Easy way to know: choose an expensive place for the 3rd date and make sure you order the most expensive meals and have a few drinks. As it is technically his turn to pay he should be picking up that bill regarding the value. If he wants to split then that'd be your red flag.

Yes, this! OP's early posts gave the impression she's well off.

For people who are actually well off, £110 isn't a big bill, and I suspect this is where a lot of the confusion is coming from. With the way inflation is recently, £55 a head certainly isn't anything out of the norm. I paid £30 for a really basic burger and a couple of pints in a London pub last night. Was literally just killing in time in there after work before going to a show. £55 a head is completely normal if ordering multiple courses and drinks.

He is either a chancer or one of those people that do not give money a second thought

Or maybe neither and like most of us here, he was very confused.

OP said one thing in her first post and the complete opposite a few posts in.

@Jonesjonsy What did you really say?

• I will pay for this.
• I can't have you paying it all.

Or is there a 3rd option we don't know about?

You offered to pay the bill and are now upset that you had to pay the bill?

The salient point is that she picked the second expensive venue. The post I quoted made it look as though he deliberately chose an expensive venue in order to pull a fast one on OP - which is not true. Whatever we think of his actions we have to be honest.

He didn't get you to pay though! Your response 'I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again', was misconstrued that's all.