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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

765 replies

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

OP posts:
IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 18:48

coxesorangepippin · 01/08/2023 18:36

It's just common manners to pay if the bill is that high, nothing to do with men paying on dates etc

Also.

IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 18:50

ZenNudist · 01/08/2023 18:46

If I were him I'd have said nonsense let's split it. It's not nice expecting you to pay it all when he had loads of courses and drinks.

If you'd let him pay it all I'd have said the same.

Not promising.

This ^

IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 18:52

6WeekCountdown · 01/08/2023 18:43

It's astounding reading on here how many women still expect the man to pick up the bill, it's such an outdated thing. Women are all equal rights, equal pay except when it comes to dating, I have no idea why this is? I earn more than my husband as many women I know do. It isn't the 1950's where women found a man to keep them! Pay your share you tight arses!

Pay your share you tight arses!

He did not pay his share.

Curlyandginger · 01/08/2023 18:52

Hi OP
Honestly when I look back at dates / friendships that didn't work out, the signs were there from the beginning and I chose to overlook them and be positive and ignore the nagging doubts i had.
I am almost certain if you continue dating this guy you will see a selfishness and a lack of appreciation for what you put in at times and it will upset you. Not saying thank you is reason enough not to bother with date 3 tbh!
Also I agree about the romance side of it. If I was you I would let the man lead / plan/ organise if that is important to you.
The first impressions a man leaves matter and he will know that. He should be wanting to make a generous lasting impression, it is the dance we dance, whether we want to go Dutch or not.
Good luck xx

mcmooberry · 01/08/2023 18:52

Nah, the cocktail, drinks and steak swing it, he was at it imo. You'll know if a 3rd date happens. Agree about the letting you organise everything, very off putting.

Sirzy · 01/08/2023 18:53

Miajk · 01/08/2023 18:48

No I'm saying it's an amber flag he didn't even wince at the idea of someone covering a 110 quid bill on a second date.And then didn't even say thank you.

Not sure why you completely twisted everything I said.

Show quote history

If he had booked and paid for an expensive place for the second date would it be an amber flag if she hadn’t paid or does that only work one way?

Angrywife · 01/08/2023 18:53
  1. If booked somewhere so expensive for a date with me, they would be paying for it all too.
  1. You pretty much said you were going to pay for it
Sirzy · 01/08/2023 18:53

mcmooberry · 01/08/2023 18:52

Nah, the cocktail, drinks and steak swing it, he was at it imo. You'll know if a 3rd date happens. Agree about the letting you organise everything, very off putting.

Why would have have been the one to ask for the bill then?

hahahahahahahahahah · 01/08/2023 18:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 18:55

Sirzy · 01/08/2023 18:53

Why would have have been the one to ask for the bill then?

Show quote history

He asked for the bill because of time pressure - he had to catch a train.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2023 19:02

Sirzy · 01/08/2023 18:53

If he had booked and paid for an expensive place for the second date would it be an amber flag if she hadn’t paid or does that only work one way?

Show quote history

He didn't, so who cares?

FloydPepper · 01/08/2023 19:02

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 18:46

Amazing it has got this many responses! I never thought it would.

One poster said that I was trying to act cutesy and when he didn’t pick me up on offering to pay I’m acting all offended. Do you know I think that is kind of right even though it’s embarrassing to admit - but I guess I was kind of waiting to see if there was a bit of chivalry. When I really analyse it I just feel that to me there feels like a bit of a lack of romance as actually I’ve also had to step in and organise everything rather than him making the effort to. So yes I do think I was unclear and maybe was being a bit outdated with expectations but my gut is that I kind of feel it’s part of romance that a guy steps forward a bit more. And maybe that’s built in to the biology of it… like if a woman has a child she becomes quite dependant by the nature of it, so the fact that a guy isn’t proactive with that aspect might be a red flag on a fundamental level and that all these equality arguments miss that key issue. Probably not being clear again but yes just a bit of food for thought.

I still don’t think I picked an expensive place….!

Ah here we are
chivalry, romance, step forward, make an effort

you wanted him to pay just becomes a man.

FloydPepper · 01/08/2023 19:03

*just because he is

FloydPepper · 01/08/2023 19:04

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2023 19:02

He didn't, so who cares?

Show quote history

There’s your answer. It only works one way…

blueshoes · 01/08/2023 19:05

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 18:46

Amazing it has got this many responses! I never thought it would.

One poster said that I was trying to act cutesy and when he didn’t pick me up on offering to pay I’m acting all offended. Do you know I think that is kind of right even though it’s embarrassing to admit - but I guess I was kind of waiting to see if there was a bit of chivalry. When I really analyse it I just feel that to me there feels like a bit of a lack of romance as actually I’ve also had to step in and organise everything rather than him making the effort to. So yes I do think I was unclear and maybe was being a bit outdated with expectations but my gut is that I kind of feel it’s part of romance that a guy steps forward a bit more. And maybe that’s built in to the biology of it… like if a woman has a child she becomes quite dependant by the nature of it, so the fact that a guy isn’t proactive with that aspect might be a red flag on a fundamental level and that all these equality arguments miss that key issue. Probably not being clear again but yes just a bit of food for thought.

I still don’t think I picked an expensive place….!

This is not a keeper.

He is trying to subconsciously groom you to take charge and pay for him. Fine if you are happy to but if you are looking for signs of commitment, chivalry and fairplay, throw this one back.

This one has CockLodger all over him.

Namechanger1002 · 01/08/2023 19:06

IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 18:46

I agree with you on that.

Equally - when did it become ok for the other senario.

I sometimes wonder of these things are much more important than they seem? As in - do they indicate in some periferal way a fture behaviour?

Modern guy - split bills 50/50. But society is not 50/50.

Do they expect to earn the smae as women or accept more for the same endeavour? Will his money be 50/50 in maternity? Will he participate 50/50 in child rearing? So on. Badly expressed thoughts but hopefully you can follow my meaning.

Like maybe, these things give a faint whif of the type of partner. Dunno - just musing!

Show quote history

I muse like that too and don't disagree with you.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2023 19:07

FloydPepper · 01/08/2023 19:04

There’s your answer. It only works one way…

Show quote history

No, the answer was "why is this non-existent situation that didn't happen relevant?"

Do you always go around trying to claim theoretical potential victimhood or is that only one way?

ModestMoon · 01/08/2023 19:09

And maybe that’s built in to the biology of it… like if a woman has a child she becomes quite dependant by the nature of it, so the fact that a guy isn’t proactive with that aspect might be a red flag on a fundamental level and that all these equality arguments miss that key issue.

Speak for yourself! I have a child and still earn way more than my kids dad does. Having a child hasn't made me dependent on a man, and I would be profoundly unimpressed by a second date who tried to suggest that I am dependent on account of my sex.

I think he misunderstood, and thought you were offering. Perhaps he was afraid of offending you. It is too early in the relationship for him to know if you are the type of woman to be offended by having your offer to pay challenged, the type to want a man to pay just because he's a man (eww) or somewhere in between. I do think he should have offered to split it - but maybe he was also caught in the moment and is regretting it. Third date will be the tell.

Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 01/08/2023 19:12

You offered to pay and I think he had to say yes because a lot of men might be worried you’d think them sexist if they insisted on paying. Give him the benefit of the doubt this time and be much clearer next time. Good luck.

Sirzy · 01/08/2023 19:13

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2023 19:02

He didn't, so who cares?

Show quote history

So it does only work one way then

DeliciouslyDecadent · 01/08/2023 19:13

Hmmm!

There is a difference between an £8 sarnie/ drink and a meal for £55pp.

You communicated badly. Very badly.

He may have thought he'd offend you by offering to contribute (and think you are loaded.)

I guess some men may have said 'Look, that's a hefty bill and I want to pay for something, like the wine (if there was any)'

Presumably he had checked out the venue beforehand and £55 ish was within his budget.

If you eat out next time, I think you need to make it clear from the start that you split the bill.

trifftrev · 01/08/2023 19:13

Well, you weren't clear with him but only an idiot would not realise they'd consumed a fair few quid's worth of food and drink and not offer to contribute so there is a sense of him taking advantage here. Especially as he'd only treated you to a tenner's worth. Does he think you're loaded? Also, the fact that he leaves the suggestions of where to go to you and doesn't take the initiative would bug me a bit. He really should thank you for your (unintended) generosity and take you out somewhere fairly nice in return.

GreekDogRescue · 01/08/2023 19:15

It would worry me that he is leaving the organising of dates to you. It’s tiring having to always be the one who has to make a plan.

SlipSlidinAway · 01/08/2023 19:18

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 18:46

Amazing it has got this many responses! I never thought it would.

One poster said that I was trying to act cutesy and when he didn’t pick me up on offering to pay I’m acting all offended. Do you know I think that is kind of right even though it’s embarrassing to admit - but I guess I was kind of waiting to see if there was a bit of chivalry. When I really analyse it I just feel that to me there feels like a bit of a lack of romance as actually I’ve also had to step in and organise everything rather than him making the effort to. So yes I do think I was unclear and maybe was being a bit outdated with expectations but my gut is that I kind of feel it’s part of romance that a guy steps forward a bit more. And maybe that’s built in to the biology of it… like if a woman has a child she becomes quite dependant by the nature of it, so the fact that a guy isn’t proactive with that aspect might be a red flag on a fundamental level and that all these equality arguments miss that key issue. Probably not being clear again but yes just a bit of food for thought.

I still don’t think I picked an expensive place….!

OMG. Shall I tell my adult sons that if they go on a date with a woman who chooses the venue and tells them they don't want them to pay ... they don't actually mean it?! It's just some sort of weird girlie test to see if they're going to become all manly and ignore the woman's feeble attempts to pay 🙄?

Personally I hate bill splitting. Much prefer taking turns to pay. You drew the short straw this time. You can sit back and expect him to pay next time.

Original poster
Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 19:18

I guess he could think I’m well off - we talked a lot about what we did and I have a secretarial job but on top of that have started a weekend business where I do holiday let cleans at the weekend. It means that I work 2 jobs and the cleaning job is at a higher hourly rate because the people want reliable work and a quick turnaround. I also explained that I did it to try to create more opportunities for myself so it’s possible

OP posts: