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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him now or wait until he comes home

132 replies

LyncSync · 01/08/2023 08:27

Hello. So last week we found out that my DMIL was diagnosed with cancer. DH’s mum is late 70’s but it was still a shock to say the least. So fast forward a few days and I have found out that the doctors have only given my DMIL up to 3 months. I’m absolutely gutted but the worst part is my DH isn’t here currently, he’s away (UK) on holiday with our ds. DH was going to cancel the trip but his DM told him to go and she would be upset if didn’t as it’s not fair to let down our ds. So I’m now having a dilemma about what to do. I’ve been awake since 2.30 this morning as everything is weighing heavily on my mind. The small few friends and family I’ve spoken with have all said if it were them they wouldn’t tell DH until he gets home as after all there isn’t anything he can do right now and his DM is not only stable but actually looks really well, better than she has in months, but I’m not sure. If it were me and my DH didn’t tell me this kind of news I’d go ballistic but my DH doesn’t cope well with things like this, I’m not saying anyone does but he is more than likely autistic, as is our ds, so I get why. Him being away with ds is probably the last chance he has to have fun for a while as it’s going to be a difficult few months and although my heart says don’t tell him and let him enjoy the last few days of his holiday but then my head says tell him. I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
cocksstrideintheevening · 01/08/2023 08:29

When does he come home? Ultimately it's mils need to tell. What does she want to do?

I'd be inclined to wait until he comes home.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/08/2023 08:29

I'm sorry, that's such sad news.

When is he back?
What does his Mom want?

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 01/08/2023 08:29

How long is he away for?

mynameiscalypso · 01/08/2023 08:30

I think it sounds like his DM wants him to enjoy the holiday and I doubt she'd want him to be told.

EVHead · 01/08/2023 08:30

I think you should tell him. Then what he does is up to him. If he was due home today I’d wait, but if it’s a few days, tell him.

AverseNotAdverse · 01/08/2023 08:30

Isn’t this his mum’s decision not yours?

Anyway I would wait. There is nothing to be gained by spoiling his holiday. I would not go ‘ballistic’ with my husband if he did this. I would understand and appreciate it.

Sorry for your news.

coodawoodashooda · 01/08/2023 08:31

Definitely tell him.

Original poster
LyncSync · 01/08/2023 08:31

He’s back on Saturday. I’ve not seen his mum since Sunday but I’m hoping to go and see her today. FIL and SIL have said I can tell him if I want to but it’s not like anything is going to happen in the next few days so it’s my decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
LyncSync · 01/08/2023 08:35

We’ve also got to consider our son who is autistic. He knows his grandmother hasn’t been well and that she is in hospital but both me and dh decided not to tell him about the cancer until after their holiday as he would over think it constantly and it would be upsetting. I know it’ll be upsetting whenever we tell him but if I tell my dh over the phone today (which I really don’t want to) then he may chose to come home which would then upset our son who goes on this holiday every year with his dad and as he’s autistic he doesn’t cope well with change and has to know to the hour in advance when they’re going and when they’re coming back.

OP posts:
Original poster
LyncSync · 01/08/2023 08:36

I only said I’d go ballistic because I’m the sort of person who likes to have the facts laid out on the table for me so that I know what I’m dealing with. My DH on the other needs a more delicate approach as he doesn’t cope well.

OP posts:
cryinglaughing · 01/08/2023 08:36

I would wait until he was home.

countrygirl99 · 01/08/2023 08:39

I'd wait. You would be leaving him to either struggle on without a hug for the sake of your son or to deal with your son's upset on his own. He has a shit enough time ahead, no need to extend it.

Nannydoodles · 01/08/2023 08:41

Wait till he comes home, I don’t see what would be gained by telling him now.
Not much he can do at the moment by the sound of it.
Time to be mega supportive later.

INeedAnotherName · 01/08/2023 08:43

DH was going to cancel the trip but his DM told him to go and she would be upset if didn’t as it’s not fair to let down our ds

It's not your decision to make and quite honestly someone has already made that decision already. If she is that ill then accept it as a dying wish.

Original poster
LyncSync · 01/08/2023 08:43

My heart is definitely telling me to wait. I’m desperate to hug him right now and it’s not my mum who is dying. So the thought of me telling him something like that whilst he’s away and not being able to console him would make me so sad.

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 01/08/2023 08:44

Logically you telling him today would solve what ?

Let them both enjoy the last few days of their holiday.

IamfeelingConfused · 01/08/2023 08:46

mynameiscalypso · 01/08/2023 08:30

I think it sounds like his DM wants him to enjoy the holiday and I doubt she'd want him to be told.

this
sorry for your sad news

LanaDelRaybans · 01/08/2023 08:46

This reply has been deleted

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mauricemossmylove · 01/08/2023 08:49

I wouldn't tell him either, let them both enjoy the holiday. I understand the autism factor (we are an ND family) which is why i think you let the holiday continue and tell them when they get back. Also you are respecting MIL wishes and ultimately it is her news, not yours.
Sorry for you all, it's very sad

Lindy2 · 01/08/2023 08:50

Let him and your son have their holiday.

They're back in less than a week. There's nothing they can do for your MIL right now and nothing specific they need to return to do.

If her health was seriously deteriorating or if she urgently needed his support, then yes, he would need to know. But for now everything is under control. Delay his sadness for a few days so he can spend this time with his son as planned.

Original poster
LyncSync · 01/08/2023 08:50

Did you seriously just say that! I’m not desperate to have my “moment” I’m absolutely dreading telling my DH you fool. What a ridiculous thing to say. I’ve been sat up all night panicking about how best to break the news to my DH when he gets home. So quite frankly I find your comment rather upsetting.

OP posts:
cinnamonfrenchtoast · 01/08/2023 08:52

I think your MIL has actually put you in a really horrible position by telling you this before she speaks to her son.

Personally I couldn't keep something like this from my husband and I'd be really hurt to find out something like this had been kept from me, even if I was on holiday.

I seem to be the lone voice on this thread though!

LanaDelRaybans · 01/08/2023 08:53

LyncSync · 01/08/2023 08:50

Did you seriously just say that! I’m not desperate to have my “moment” I’m absolutely dreading telling my DH you fool. What a ridiculous thing to say. I’ve been sat up all night panicking about how best to break the news to my DH when he gets home. So quite frankly I find your comment rather upsetting.

You find my comment upsetting but you're prepared to drop a bigger bombshell on your husband, I presume miles away from home on holiday, to give him that massive panic and anxiety and he will have to travel home with in an emotional state with your no-doubt upset and confused son? Make it make sense.

burnoutbabe · 01/08/2023 08:53

Shouldn't mil tell her son? Can she do a video call with him to speak?

Assuming she is okay to make calls and tell people, why would anyone be upset with you for not saying.

Original poster
LyncSync · 01/08/2023 08:53

Oh and just to be clear. My DMIL has already said that she doesn’t want to be the one to tell my DH and my FIL and SIL are both currently in pieces so who else would you have tell my DH?

OP posts:
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