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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell him now or wait until he comes home

132 replies

LyncSync · 01/08/2023 08:27

Hello. So last week we found out that my DMIL was diagnosed with cancer. DH’s mum is late 70’s but it was still a shock to say the least. So fast forward a few days and I have found out that the doctors have only given my DMIL up to 3 months. I’m absolutely gutted but the worst part is my DH isn’t here currently, he’s away (UK) on holiday with our ds. DH was going to cancel the trip but his DM told him to go and she would be upset if didn’t as it’s not fair to let down our ds. So I’m now having a dilemma about what to do. I’ve been awake since 2.30 this morning as everything is weighing heavily on my mind. The small few friends and family I’ve spoken with have all said if it were them they wouldn’t tell DH until he gets home as after all there isn’t anything he can do right now and his DM is not only stable but actually looks really well, better than she has in months, but I’m not sure. If it were me and my DH didn’t tell me this kind of news I’d go ballistic but my DH doesn’t cope well with things like this, I’m not saying anyone does but he is more than likely autistic, as is our ds, so I get why. Him being away with ds is probably the last chance he has to have fun for a while as it’s going to be a difficult few months and although my heart says don’t tell him and let him enjoy the last few days of his holiday but then my head says tell him. I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
ThreeTrebles · 01/08/2023 13:51

NoTouch · 01/08/2023 10:12

It is your MILs decision, but if it was to be kept quiet from her own son until he returned the news should have been more contained.

Having been in the position where others made a decision for me that similarly upsetting news was held back, while family all discussed their opinions on not telling me, while they all started to come to terms with the initial upset I can tell you I did not appreciate it. I felt I was reeling, a week behind everyone else in absorbing it and I was a focal point that I did not want to be instead of working through emotions on the same timeline as everyone else.

I would be even more upset you were putting me in such an awkward position telling a "few friends" too before I knew my own mum was terminal with such a poor prognosis. I would find that hard to forgive.

While I understand wanting to protect your dh, I think you have discussed this with way too many people to still be keeping this from your dh now.

I completely agree with this.

thereisnorightanswer · 01/08/2023 15:56

SilkyMint · 01/08/2023 11:37

Do people really... think that hearing a very elderly parent has a few months to live will put a grown adult in a position where they actually become a danger to themselves or others?

That seems a little extreme honestly, being upset is normal, crying is normal, but... dangerous? Is there a reason you might suspect that outcome, OP? Or just speculation from others? I know OP said he 'doesn't cope with things well' but I'm struggling to imagine how an adult would hear that news and become a danger.

Well, it happened to me. I broke down and it’s by fortune of where I was at the time that I didn’t cause myself or others any harm. If I had been near a road, I could have easily walked into it by mistake - I couldn’t see or hear. Everything was just one big awful traumatic blur.

And I normally cope well with everything, and I’d been half-expecting the news.

Hate to break it to you, but some sensible, grown-up adults do find the news of their parents dying to be so horrific that yes, they don’t act normally or rationally.

Have some compassion. Hearing your parent has a terminal illness is tough.

SilkyMint · 01/08/2023 16:23

thereisnorightanswer · 01/08/2023 15:56

Well, it happened to me. I broke down and it’s by fortune of where I was at the time that I didn’t cause myself or others any harm. If I had been near a road, I could have easily walked into it by mistake - I couldn’t see or hear. Everything was just one big awful traumatic blur.

And I normally cope well with everything, and I’d been half-expecting the news.

Hate to break it to you, but some sensible, grown-up adults do find the news of their parents dying to be so horrific that yes, they don’t act normally or rationally.

Have some compassion. Hearing your parent has a terminal illness is tough.

Wow, I'm sorry you went through that.

I have first-hand experience, yes, of getting that news in my early-twenties. I can't say I've ever known anyone respond the way you describe. Of course it's tough. Sounds like a pretty intense response and I'm glad you weren't harmed.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 01/08/2023 17:03

If your dh is to drive safely home with ds of course you don't tell him over the phone...

Zanatdy · 01/08/2023 17:53

He needs to know this info. You don’t know for sure nothing will happen now, and if it did he wouldn’t forgive that. Neither would I

BrawnWild · 01/08/2023 18:41

Dont tell. They're is nothing to be gained between now and Saturday.

Unless you think DH will genuinely stop working/any other activity from now until her death then as hard as it is, life does unfortunately have to carry on (from personal experience, not a callous comment).

I wouldnt want to get that information when I'm miles away and have to put on a brave face and look after a child alone, especially when I have no other adult there to hold my hand

thereisnorightanswer · 01/08/2023 22:39

SilkyMint · 01/08/2023 16:23

Wow, I'm sorry you went through that.

I have first-hand experience, yes, of getting that news in my early-twenties. I can't say I've ever known anyone respond the way you describe. Of course it's tough. Sounds like a pretty intense response and I'm glad you weren't harmed.

I guess it was the straw that broke this camel's back.

The point is grief is unpredictable. And finding out someone is dying is a form of grief. They might still be with you, but you know you're on a timer. You know everything is going to come crashing to an end.

Because it is so unpredictable, I don't think it's a good idea to tell someone over the phone unless there's any other way, and I don't think you should tell someone if they don't have adequate support around them.

In this scenario, the risk is he would struggle to hold it in around his child, or he would lean too heavily on his child. Parents are supposed to look after their children - their children aren't supposed to take care of them.

I am famed for holding it together and never crying. I still reacted badly. The OP's DH is known for not holding it together... Yeah, I'd wait. I'm holding firm on that.

Yes, he might be upset with the OP for not telling him sooner. That will pass. Whatever the OP does or doesn't do, there is a risk he will say something wildly unreasonable and awful. When we're in pain, a lot of us lash out with our words. We shouldn't, but we do.

I suspect MIL has told the OP so she can process the news before OP's DH - because MIL thinks he is going to need to lean on her heavily.

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