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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him now or wait until he comes home

132 replies

LyncSync · 01/08/2023 08:27

Hello. So last week we found out that my DMIL was diagnosed with cancer. DH’s mum is late 70’s but it was still a shock to say the least. So fast forward a few days and I have found out that the doctors have only given my DMIL up to 3 months. I’m absolutely gutted but the worst part is my DH isn’t here currently, he’s away (UK) on holiday with our ds. DH was going to cancel the trip but his DM told him to go and she would be upset if didn’t as it’s not fair to let down our ds. So I’m now having a dilemma about what to do. I’ve been awake since 2.30 this morning as everything is weighing heavily on my mind. The small few friends and family I’ve spoken with have all said if it were them they wouldn’t tell DH until he gets home as after all there isn’t anything he can do right now and his DM is not only stable but actually looks really well, better than she has in months, but I’m not sure. If it were me and my DH didn’t tell me this kind of news I’d go ballistic but my DH doesn’t cope well with things like this, I’m not saying anyone does but he is more than likely autistic, as is our ds, so I get why. Him being away with ds is probably the last chance he has to have fun for a while as it’s going to be a difficult few months and although my heart says don’t tell him and let him enjoy the last few days of his holiday but then my head says tell him. I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
AHugeTinyMistake · 01/08/2023 09:15

I think MIL has put you in a no win situation, not her fault as goodness knows what I would do if I'd had her news.

But it's pretty clear that your DH wouldn't cope too well being told while he's away and your DS needs to be thought of as well.

If your DH asks again about his mum, could you ask him if he'd want to be told if there was bad news? He would probably say yes but maybe you could have the conversation and explain you think he needs a good break and if there is news you will wait until he's home because MIL wanted them to enjoy the holiday. I don't know if that would work.

Are you at work currently, is that why you're also not on the holiday? If you're not I would be tempted to go there and break the news in person if you feel he would be really upset at not being told. Really feel for you though OP. There's no good answer I don't think.

Original poster
LyncSync · 01/08/2023 09:15

I don’t want my moment not one bit. I mean would who relish the thought of telling their husband that their mother is dying. I had to go and get him out of work last week to tell him his mother had been taken into hospital and that alone broke me.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/08/2023 09:18

MIL says she wanted the two of them to have their holiday.

Let them have their holiday and then tell him when they're back. It's keeping in with her wishes for the two of them.

Don't put him through having to process that information, consider abandoning the holiday or having to power through alone because you feel guilty about knowing first.

Original poster
LyncSync · 01/08/2023 09:19

I’m not at work as i have the summer holidays off. My husband has taken my ds camping. I don’t do camping and it’s their thing part of ds’a routine they go every summer for a week and have a great time. I’d already considered going up to stay for a night or two but the site is fully booked until the end of summer.

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 01/08/2023 09:19

I’m sorry you are having to bear the shock and bad news alone, but I agree that there is no advantage to spoiling their holiday.

I hope you can find a few minutes today to recharge and be calm. I wish you well for the next few months. You will find the strength.

user1492757084 · 01/08/2023 09:19

You need for your DH and DS to be safe until they get home.
Do not give them huge news unless you really have to.
I would not tell them. (I assume they will be back within a week or two.) Your husband and his mother knew she could likely get worse - it's just the time has become shorter and the recovery - not hopeful.

Let them come home and visit MIL (pronto) with all their happy holiday news. That is what she wanted.
Tell them at the end of the visit to MIL or, better still, have the hospital nurse get your husband really up to speed and well informed.

HoppingPavlova · 01/08/2023 09:20

He’s only away until Sunday, not September, so what would telling him in the next few days add to the equation? What will this achieve, it is what it is, he can’t change anything, and nothings happening in the next few days, so leave him and your son to it.

Original poster
LyncSync · 01/08/2023 09:20

Thank you. I’ll be ok. It’s just awful. I’d craved a bit of alone time after a busy year and now I’m sat at home without them here i feel so emotional and lost.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 01/08/2023 09:23

I'd def wait OP. There's nothing he can do, him coming home won't change the sad situation and it's best if you are there with him when he gets this news, not alone with your DS.

musicforthesoul · 01/08/2023 09:24

I'd wait until they're back. The only way I'd be breaking news like that to someone on a fairly short holiday is if they needed to come back urgently or if they'd explicitly told me they wanted to know immediately no matter what.

If he asks about MIL again I think I'd just say something like she's had a good day today or something about her immediate health. Any questions about a diagnosis I'd say I wasn't sure but i'd find out for when he's back.

I wouldn't ask if he wanted to know if it was bad news or anything like that now as if he knows a diagnosis is imminent then he will probably realise why you're asking so you'd be telling him anyway by asking the question.

Mayhem3 · 01/08/2023 09:28

My worry would be he wouldn’t be in a fit state to drive home and could have an accident.

I would probably be annoyed if someone didn’t tell me tbh as I’m an adult and can make my own decisions, however I would understand why someone wouldn’t tell me in this situation.

Your DH cannot do anything and when we have kids we have to put them first.

It would be much better to wait until he comes back and then you can take full responsibility for DS and let your DH do whatever he needs to do.

As you don’t work during the summer holidays then your DH may want to go and stay with his FIL for a few weeks.

I wouldn’t say anything unless she gets worse and I would be seeing her myself so you’re able to be there whilst DH can’t be.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 01/08/2023 09:32

musicforthesoul · 01/08/2023 09:24

I'd wait until they're back. The only way I'd be breaking news like that to someone on a fairly short holiday is if they needed to come back urgently or if they'd explicitly told me they wanted to know immediately no matter what.

If he asks about MIL again I think I'd just say something like she's had a good day today or something about her immediate health. Any questions about a diagnosis I'd say I wasn't sure but i'd find out for when he's back.

I wouldn't ask if he wanted to know if it was bad news or anything like that now as if he knows a diagnosis is imminent then he will probably realise why you're asking so you'd be telling him anyway by asking the question.

This...

The only caveat is if there was a sudden worsening and he had to be brought home..

Someone I knew of (in her 80s)was given 3 or 4 months and died within a week....

Obvs hope this isn't the case for your mil

Heyhoherewegoagain · 01/08/2023 09:32

Let them have their holiday…unfortunately life’s going to irrevocably change in a few months, so let them enjoy the next few days together while they can

I say that having had to cut a cut a holiday short earlier this year as a relative had a catastrophic health event which meant they weren’t going to hang on till we came home on our original date…it doesn’t sound like things are quite this bad with your MIL

ivykaty44 · 01/08/2023 09:35

TBH Id think you'd be unkind to tell your dh the bad news about his mother at this point, whilst he is away on holiday.

a few days isn't going to change the outcome of the diagnoses
Your dh and ds can have the rest of the holiday without this bad news hanging over them, ignorance is bliss at this point. Even your MIL wanted them to enjoy the holiday - do you not think she would be upset if you now told them and spoilt their holiday?

Maray1967 · 01/08/2023 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What the hell???

Unbelievable. Get your brain in gear and never post an accusation like that ever again.

UserRose · 01/08/2023 09:38

countrygirl99 · 01/08/2023 08:39

I'd wait. You would be leaving him to either struggle on without a hug for the sake of your son or to deal with your son's upset on his own. He has a shit enough time ahead, no need to extend it.

This 100%

UserRose · 01/08/2023 09:39

Maray1967 · 01/08/2023 09:36

What the hell???

Unbelievable. Get your brain in gear and never post an accusation like that ever again.

Show quote history

I second that my god what planet are some people on !

Maray1967 · 01/08/2023 09:39

OP, wait until he’s home. It’s not going to be easy for you but it’s what DMIL wants and from what you’ve posted it’s what would be best for your DH and DS.
So sorry for your DMIL and all the family. 💐

caringcarer · 01/08/2023 09:40

Don't tell him on the phone. He will be there without you to hug him. He might struggle with caring for your DC on his own. Tell him in person when he returns then you can hug him and he can go over to see his Mum.

Spanielsarepainless · 01/08/2023 09:41

Wait till he gets back. You don't want news like that by 'phone. A friend serves in nuclear submarines and the crew have to decide whether they want to receive this sort of news on a six month deployment with no way of getting home, or being told when they dock. Everyone waits.

Shoemadlady · 01/08/2023 09:42

Don't tell him whilst he's away. There's nothing he can do about it and he's going to feel sad and helpless abroad.
It's going to be hard enough to deal with so let them enjoy their holiday.

Isthatyourname · 01/08/2023 09:43

This is the type of news he should be told in person so would wait until Saturday

amusedbush · 01/08/2023 09:43

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What a shite thing to say.

It's perfectly understandable (to reasonable people) that OP is feeling stressed and conflicted about this. The options are:

  • Break MIL's confidence and tell him now, so the holiday is cut short and he comes home. He gets more time with his family but DS and MIL are upset.
  • Continue to lying to her DH so he enjoys his break with their DS. However, he later learns that he spent a week of his DM's limited time away from her and he wasn't given the information needed to make his own decision about that.

I wouldn't want to make that choice and I certainly don't see how that can be dressed up as OP "having her moment". It's a horrible situation for everyone.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/08/2023 09:45

What I would do is wait until Wednesday (they're both due back home on Saturday, right?) and say to your DH "Your mum got an update on her condition since we last spoke and while she is well, right now, the outlook isn't good. It's not even as good as we believed last week. She's doing well right now and is getting the best medical care available. Do you want to come home early or wait until Saturday so you and DS can have the last few days of your holiday?"

So, you're preparing him for bad news but not blurting it out. If he presses you for more details, you can tell him that his mum only has a few months left at that stage.

That's my advice.

Wishing you all the best getting through these coming months.

sandyhappypeople · 01/08/2023 09:47

LyncSync · 01/08/2023 09:15

I don’t want my moment not one bit. I mean would who relish the thought of telling their husband that their mother is dying. I had to go and get him out of work last week to tell him his mother had been taken into hospital and that alone broke me.

I don't think you want your 'moment' but I DO think you're wanting to tell your husband because you want to lift the burden from yourself as you're not handling this news particularly well and want to offload on your DH, it's completely understandable to want to do that and how a lot of relationships are, but you need to start considering what is more important for everyone and try to keep a level head on your shoulders if you can, if there's ever a time to be completely selfless in a relationship then this is it.

If you're husband doesn't handle anything like this well, then you may find yourself having to shoulder some of the emotional burden over the next few months and what comes afterwards, it's an awful time, but you've got to try and focus on what little enjoyment you can all grab at this time and try your hardest not to let it impact your son, so from what you've said, I'd consider whether you want to tell him because you think it's the right thing for him, or you want to tell him because it's the right thing for you.. If it's for you then leave it till he gets back., and if you think he would ruin your sons holiday, then just let them enjoy it for now, but if he asks again, rather than keep having to lie, you could say that she's got an appointment on the day he gets back, so at least he'll stop asking/worrying about any new developments while he's but he can also prepare for bad news. But make sure they PIL are on the same page and won't just blurt it out if he rings them.

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