To tell him now or wait until he comes home

[LyncSync]

Hello. So last week we found out that my DMIL was diagnosed with cancer. DH’s mum is late 70’s but it was still a shock to say the least. So fast forward a few days and I have found out that the doctors have only given my DMIL up to 3 months. I’m absolutely gutted but the worst part is my DH isn’t here currently, he’s away (UK) on holiday with our ds. DH was going to cancel the trip but his DM told him to go and she would be upset if didn’t as it’s not fair to let down our ds. So I’m now having a dilemma about what to do. I’ve been awake since 2.30 this morning as everything is weighing heavily on my mind. The small few friends and family I’ve spoken with have all said if it were them they wouldn’t tell DH until he gets home as after all there isn’t anything he can do right now and his DM is not only stable but actually looks really well, better than she has in months, but I’m not sure. If it were me and my DH didn’t tell me this kind of news I’d go ballistic but my DH doesn’t cope well with things like this, I’m not saying anyone does but he is more than likely autistic, as is our ds, so I get why. Him being away with ds is probably the last chance he has to have fun for a while as it’s going to be a difficult few months and although my heart says don’t tell him and let him enjoy the last few days of his holiday but then my head says tell him. I just don’t know what to do.

I would go and tell him in person. That's what I would want in his position. Everyone's different but for me not being told things is really frightening because then anything could be happening at any point when you're supposed to be relaxing. BUT you know him and your son best.

I wouldn't tell him because it's be worried about him having to pack up in a hurry and drive home whilst also explaining to your DS what was going on. If your MIL is currently ok and not suddenly taking a turn for the worse is wait until he was home. Just out of interest why is your DH calling you and asking about his mum and not actually calling his mum if he knows she's only just been diagnosed?

I thought it was unusual for doctors to be so specific, perhaps your MIL is reading between the lines and no firm deadlines have actually been given.

In my experience when it comes to cancer, the doctors want you to know when it's terminal, and can be quite blunt about it, there's no point giving false hope and it gives the patient time to come to terms with it and put any arrangements in place that they need to.

Did mil tell you? Or did someone else tell you?
if mil - visit and discuss your dilemma with her, see what she thinks and make your decision form there

personally, it’s Monday you were told so Saturday isn’t that long a time to hold off giving the news , given mil told dh to proceed with holiday

Ok, if your sil told you , why? Did you ask her why she burdened you with this whilst her brother was away ? Seems very odd. And not helpful at all.
ok, if op has close relationship to sil, and they were meeting/general phone cal
and sil was overcome with grief, it’s absolutely understandable . But for SIL to have expressly contacted op to tell her this whilst her brother was on holiday, on a holiday her mother had insisted on him going on, it seems a bit self centred and thoughtless. It was always just going to burden op with something that she isn’t actually the decision maker for

No, you have to tell him. At least IMO.

he is clearly already extremely worried, doesn’t have peace of mind.

finding out that my spouse lied about something like this - when I was asking a clear and direct question? I really think that it might shatter me / a lot of trust.

I wouldn't tell him, given he's looking after DS. It's not about him having a good time on holiday (he's already worried and on edge, so it's already spoilt). It's about making sure he doesn't accidentally or intentionally do anything stupid to endanger him or your child.

When I found out my parent was dying, I acted very calmly on the phone. That was perfectly in character: I'm the glue. I'm the one who always copes. Then, as soon as I hung up, I walked in circles for hours. It felt like the sky was falling in, and I had no idea what to do or where to go or how to react, so I just walked and walked and walked in giant loops, sobbing like a crazy woman. I'm sure people looked at me like I was off my rocker, but I couldn't see anyone or hear anyone, I was lost in my own spiral of misery, walking and walking.

I'm not sure what I was trying to do. I think that was the problem. I couldn't figure out what to do, so once I'd settled on something (walking), I couldn't take that thought any further, and without a planned destination, I just kept walking in circles. I suppose the issue was, as soon as I stopped, I'd have to go back to processing the news and dealing with it.

I'm actually crying now just at the memory. That's how painful it was finding out.

I'd say there's no good way to tell someone. It's shit news. So whatever you do, don't beat yourself up if it feels like you've got it wrong.

However, I would strongly caution against telling someone when they have no in-person adult support around them and when they are supposed to be busy being responsible for someone or something. I'm surprised at how badly I reacted, but I guess there's no playbook for what to do when you find out your parent is dying.

I'm not saying I would have deliberately harmed myself, but I could have easily had an accident given I couldn't really see or hear through the overwhelming grief. As your DH is solely in charge of your DS at the moment, I don't think it's right to tell him. Wait until they're both back, and you can hold your DH after you tell him. When you are in so much pain, human touch is the only thing that can take any of the hurt off.

In the end, a friend came to get me. I don't know how I would have made my own way home without her. Rationally, I knew where it was, I was just caught in a loop and couldn't make myself break it, go back to the reality, and go home.

Do you normally facilitate your DH’s relationship with his parents, e.g. the phone calls? I think it is sad that your DMIL does not want to tell him herself. Given your son has ASD and you suspect your husband has ASD too, my initial reaction was to wait until they get back. However, not being honest in response to a straight question is more difficult.

@LyncSync I wouldn't tell him until he got home, mainly because your mil wanted them to enjoy the holiday, and your son will struggle with the change in routine, but also because driving home upset and grief stricken could result in an accident.

Sorry for the awful news OP

This is a case of dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. Your DH could be very angry you didn't tell him or he could understand your actions.

Personally I would not tell him. There is nothing to be gained by telling him the news now. He and your DS would be terribly upset and coming home with that news would be awful however I would also understand if he was very angry at the news being kept from him.

Another one who is curious as to why on earth they told you. Surely they should have just rung your DH?

Ooof. So you haven't just not told him, you've actually lied to him saying everything is fine.

I would be furious honestly if I were in the DH's position. Imagine hearing that your mum is doing okay, feeling that immense relief, enjoying the holiday safe in the knowledge that there's been no change for her, then coming home and finding out you're the last to know.

I personally would much rather know the situation to deal with it than be kept in the dark for my own perceived good. I think this thread is a lesson to us all to talk to our partners and ask their opinions on this sort of thing: if you're away and something bad happens, would you want to know? I know I would. Your MIL might not want the holiday impacted but realistically your DH might value knowing and being able to ring and talk to her to support her right now or considering coming home early to be with her. It's nobody's choice to make but him.

If my DH hid something like this from me it would really impact our trust, being treated like a child who can't cope with upsetting news. And yes, I've been there in my early twenties with my own mum dying.

I wouldn't tell him for DS's sake, he's autistic and he needs this holiday especially if there is going to be really difficult times ahead for all of you. I'd put his needs first seeing as how there's nothing your DH can actually do about the situation - and that's how I'd break it to DH when he does come back.

I'd be very confident that you made the best choice you could in an impossible situation and that MIL wanted them to enjoy the holiday. Do not allow DH to make you feel bad about this - he should have been speaking to his mother during his time away if he didn't want you to handle any arising situations as you saw best. Do what's best for DS in this and know you did the right thing.

I would try to avoid outright lying in future though, say things like 'she was looking really well when I saw her' or 'she was very chatty and talkative'. That sort of thing that doesn't reflect her prognosis.

Tell him. I’ve personally been on the receiving end of not being told for my own good and it wasn’t nice.

There's obviously a lot of emotion around this. I'm sure OP is struggling with shock and grief and anger and guilt. Part of her must want DH home so they can support each other. The harder and more selfless option is to not tell him because both he and DS will find it so difficult. Possibly dangerously so. Perhaps by the time he comes home his parents or sister will feel able to tell him themselves.

Some people say they would be angry they weren't told immediately but DH might be angry that OP has eased her pain by passing it to him

I would absolutely tell him, my DH would be really upset if he found out I knew & didn't tell him. But you know your DH better than anyone OP & everyone is different.

Do people really... think that hearing a very elderly parent has a few months to live will put a grown adult in a position where they actually become a danger to themselves or others?

That seems a little extreme honestly, being upset is normal, crying is normal, but... dangerous? Is there a reason you might suspect that outcome, OP? Or just speculation from others? I know OP said he 'doesn't cope with things well' but I'm struggling to imagine how an adult would hear that news and become a danger.

If it’s only a few days and mil stable it would be better for your son and husband to have you there when you tell him , it will also give mil and sisters time to absorb this bad news and help your husband too . I would hate to be upset on the aero plane or whilst on holiday trying to hide their distress x

I'd wait, given this additional information about your son. Your DH might or might not prefer to know immediately, but I do think you both need to prioritise your DS's mental well-being here.

I think this sounds the best way to deal with an awful situation @LyncSync

I think the only way I'd tell someone early in their holiday about an ill relative was if they were given weeks & not months left. I guess with hindsight a quick chat about what he'd want to happen before he left might have been a good idea, but I guess if you'd all been thinking your MIL had lots longer left then it wouldn't have crossed your minds.

If he asks when you're speaking to him I'd tell him, but it's only a few days until he's home.

I was in a similar situation with my DDad a couple of years ago, he was undergoing tests and I knew he wasn't right and was very worried about him to the point I seriously considered not going on the long anticipated holiday for a week. Dad wanted me to go (and I had organised my adult DDs to keep an eye on him until my brother arrived to stay with him so he wasn't going to be all alone). Pancreatic Cancer spread to liver so stage 4 was diagnosed whilst I was away (I knew as GP phoned me whilst I was away). They said about 6 weeks to live, in fact it was 12 days. It's a hard one to call TBH. They may be very close and he wants to come home to be with her, or not, only you know that.

I don't necessarily think that people automatically become a danger to themselves, but I would imagine it can invade your thoughts and lead to a lot of distraction? Especially if you don't cope well with things, I can compartmentalise my feelings and 'shelve' things if I need to, but some people it becomes all encompassing, only OP knows how her DH is likely to respond.

Do you ever do that thing where you're driving somewhere or walking somewhere and you don't remember the last few minutes? It normally happens when you're so deep in thought that your brain takes over the automatic stuff so you don't remember what happened, you don't run off the road or anything, your brain keeps you safe, but the bottom line is you're not giving your current task (e.g. driving) your full concentration.

I'm surprised he hasn't touched base with his mum considering he knows of the initial diagnosis but I still wouldn't tell him whilst he's away. It'll be difficult enough once they're home but if you tell him whilst they're away it'll taint their annual camping trip for ever.
Every time he takes your Ds away he'll think of the terrible news of his mum's imminent death which will be even worse for your autistic son.

Clearly wait until he gets home.