Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To tell him now or wait until he comes home

132 replies

LyncSync · 01/08/2023 08:27

Hello. So last week we found out that my DMIL was diagnosed with cancer. DH’s mum is late 70’s but it was still a shock to say the least. So fast forward a few days and I have found out that the doctors have only given my DMIL up to 3 months. I’m absolutely gutted but the worst part is my DH isn’t here currently, he’s away (UK) on holiday with our ds. DH was going to cancel the trip but his DM told him to go and she would be upset if didn’t as it’s not fair to let down our ds. So I’m now having a dilemma about what to do. I’ve been awake since 2.30 this morning as everything is weighing heavily on my mind. The small few friends and family I’ve spoken with have all said if it were them they wouldn’t tell DH until he gets home as after all there isn’t anything he can do right now and his DM is not only stable but actually looks really well, better than she has in months, but I’m not sure. If it were me and my DH didn’t tell me this kind of news I’d go ballistic but my DH doesn’t cope well with things like this, I’m not saying anyone does but he is more than likely autistic, as is our ds, so I get why. Him being away with ds is probably the last chance he has to have fun for a while as it’s going to be a difficult few months and although my heart says don’t tell him and let him enjoy the last few days of his holiday but then my head says tell him. I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

NoParticularPattern · 01/08/2023 09:48

I think it was hugely unfair of MIL/SIL/FIL to tell you and leave the telling of their son/brother to someone else. I’d be very cross if my MIL did that (and as it would happen there is an expectation that we will receive similar news-only about a grandparent rather than MIL- in the next few weeks). I have always maintained that my line would be that I won’t keep that secret for them. If they want my husband to know then they tell him themselves, if they tell me then I will tell him straight away. However my husband is incredibly unlikely to be away when the news comes so somewhat different, I guess it would depend for me on when he’s due back? If it was tonight or in the morning then I’d wait, more than 48 hours and I’d be telling him.

Saz12 · 01/08/2023 09:48

In your dh's shoes, Id want to know, particularly if Id asked how she was. But everyone is different.
When you call him, if he asks how she is can you be straightforward without telling him the prognosis unless he directly asks? EG "shes not great" or "not sure the doctors are very optimistic", and wait to see if he wants to ask more.

Irridescantshimmmer · 01/08/2023 09:49

Wait until he's home, your DMIL wants him to enjoy his holiday, and the news would ruin DP and DS holiday.

CaroleSinger · 01/08/2023 09:51

I would just tell him. I know the timing isn't good but there's never a good time for cancer. Tell him now then you'll never have the future arguments and fallouts because you didn't tell him when he thought you should have.

rainbowstardrops · 01/08/2023 09:52

Oh that's so hard. I'm usually one to say he needs to be told now but in this situation, I think I'd wait to be honest. Things are going to change a great deal and this is their last piece of normality for a while.
If you're going to see MIL today, could you explain to her your dilemma and ask how she would like you to handle it?

Hidingawaytoday · 01/08/2023 09:54

I'd be inclined to say wait as well, I guess my only worry would be that you've said she seems to be doing ok now, but what if that only lasts a few more days? And by not telling him it means he loses that time with his mum. I'd think about where they are/ if they're likely to go back - if it was a once in a lifetime trip to Aus for example, I wouldn't say anything, a week in Devon which they do every year, I might do (nothing against Devon, lovely place, but easier to go back at a later date!)

It's so tough, and I'm really sorry you're all going through this and having to make that decision. If you decide to tell him, could you go to where he and DS are on holiday so he's not alone?

DivineLillith · 01/08/2023 09:56

It’s his Mums illness, she wants you to tell him but after the holiday, let her have the pleasure of knowing her child and grandchild are having a lovely time together. To me that’s a done deal but I’m very black and white and just do not do shades of grey.

Winterscomingagain · 01/08/2023 09:59

It's only a short period of time and I particularly wouldn't want my child to get such awful news whilst away from home and not necessarily well supported if his father is really distressed.
I'd consider it a safety issue, 2 very distressed people negotiating travel etc would worry me.

StinkyWizzleteets · 01/08/2023 09:59

Don’t tell him. Let him enjoy what he can of the holiday and he’ll be back in a few days.

you have to work out how to cope
with your own emotion and feelings around your mil being terminally ill without your husband. Ultimately when the time comes for her to die it has to be about him and his siblings & father. His being away is a really good time for you to come to terms with your own grief and to find a way to deal with it because he’s going to need you to be there for him when he gets back .

Batalax · 01/08/2023 10:00

I’m torn. When I was much younger, dp’s didn’t tell me about an issue with my grandparent. I remember the annoyance/upset I felt.
OTOH you have your ds to consider too. And mil insisted he went.

I think if he asks again you can’t lie again. Perhaps you could try fudging it by saying.
”there have been some developments. We can talk about it when you get home”

Then if he wants to know he’ll push further and if he chooses to bury his head in the sand, he can do.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 01/08/2023 10:01

It’s not your place to tell him, it’s your MIL. You cannot take away a dying woman’s wishes, that is beyond cruel.

nolongersurprised · 01/08/2023 10:06

Tell him when you see him. It’s not about him having “a right to know” or deceiving him.

If you wait, you’re telling him in an environment where he doesn’t need to drive distressed and you can emotionally support him.

Your main reason for telling him now is because you are struggling with the emotional burden and want to offload, but don’t.

When he’s back tell him you wanted to tell him but didn’t, because you didn’t want them driving home in while he was emotionally distressed and distracted

parliamoglesga · 01/08/2023 10:07

LyncSync · 01/08/2023 08:31

He’s back on Saturday. I’ve not seen his mum since Sunday but I’m hoping to go and see her today. FIL and SIL have said I can tell him if I want to but it’s not like anything is going to happen in the next few days so it’s my decision.

Tell him.

FlamingoQueen · 01/08/2023 10:08

My way of thinking would be - how will he cope driving home after such news? This could be the last few normal days for some time for him and you dc so I think you are right to leave it. If his parents are okay with not telling him yet, I would go with that.
I am sorry you are going through this.

laveritable · 01/08/2023 10:08

Please do NOT tell him!

Sittingonabench · 01/08/2023 10:09

I’m so sorry your in this position but I would absolutely tell him. Doctors have given his mother 12 weeks - if my husband didn’t tell me for 5 days (and lied) I would feel robbed and betrayed. You’re right there’s nothing he can do to fix it but this is time which he can be spending processing and being with her. There will be fall out but by not telling him your relationship could be impacted.

NoTouch · 01/08/2023 10:12

It is your MILs decision, but if it was to be kept quiet from her own son until he returned the news should have been more contained.

Having been in the position where others made a decision for me that similarly upsetting news was held back, while family all discussed their opinions on not telling me, while they all started to come to terms with the initial upset I can tell you I did not appreciate it. I felt I was reeling, a week behind everyone else in absorbing it and I was a focal point that I did not want to be instead of working through emotions on the same timeline as everyone else.

I would be even more upset you were putting me in such an awkward position telling a "few friends" too before I knew my own mum was terminal with such a poor prognosis. I would find that hard to forgive.

While I understand wanting to protect your dh, I think you have discussed this with way too many people to still be keeping this from your dh now.

CoffeeBean5 · 01/08/2023 10:14

He needs to hear this from his mum or dad. When they feel up to it they can tell their son. They told his sister so they should tell him too.

Mistymountain · 01/08/2023 10:14

I think when he asked specifically I would have told him that the cancer seemed to be advanced, but that his mum wanted him to enjoy his holiday as nothing was likely to happen over the immediate future.
I wouldn't go into the prognosis though, maybe not even when he gets back, nothings definite.
I thought it was unusual for doctors to be so specific, perhaps your MIL is reading between the lines and no firm deadlines have actually been given.

cunningartificer · 01/08/2023 10:15

He went on holiday knowing she had been diagnosed and processing that shock. I'd give him time to finish that before you lay this on him in a place where he's without support. It's not immediate. She wanted him to go. I'd wait and if he asks how she is say that she's had a good day, she's really happy he's on holiday and looking forward to hearing all about it when he comes back. Focus on the fact that he's on holiday partly because she wanted him to have that happy time and that is one of her last gifts to him. Perhaps talk to MIL about this and ask her if she would like him to come back for moral support--her voice either way might help you make the decision.

Hbh17 · 01/08/2023 10:16

A few days will make no difference.
Your in laws have put you in a difficult position by telling you at all, quite frankly, and they should be giving the news to your son. But I agree with everyone else that your husband and son should enjoy their holiday in peace.

Truemilk · 01/08/2023 10:22

I think personally if he asks over the phone again if there's any change you shouldn't lie to him again. If he's actively asking for updates then he himself wants to know what going on.

If he doesn't ask I wouldn't bring it up until he gets home though

Lilibert456 · 01/08/2023 10:23

Let him enjoy his holiday. It is only a few more days and there is nothing to be gained by telling him now except upsetting him when he is far from home. He will surely understand the reasoning behind your decision and may we'll be grateful for it.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/08/2023 10:23

If he's home on Saturday I'd wait until then. This is news for face to face. If he'll struggle with the news he may find the journey home difficult, especially if DS is upset. Love to you all.

nokidshere · 01/08/2023 10:24

It wouldn't even be a dilemma for me to be honest. There's no valid reason for telling him over the phone and while he's on holiday. Wait until he's home and you can all sit and talk together.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6