To tell him now or wait until he comes home

[LyncSync]

Hello. So last week we found out that my DMIL was diagnosed with cancer. DH’s mum is late 70’s but it was still a shock to say the least. So fast forward a few days and I have found out that the doctors have only given my DMIL up to 3 months. I’m absolutely gutted but the worst part is my DH isn’t here currently, he’s away (UK) on holiday with our ds. DH was going to cancel the trip but his DM told him to go and she would be upset if didn’t as it’s not fair to let down our ds. So I’m now having a dilemma about what to do. I’ve been awake since 2.30 this morning as everything is weighing heavily on my mind. The small few friends and family I’ve spoken with have all said if it were them they wouldn’t tell DH until he gets home as after all there isn’t anything he can do right now and his DM is not only stable but actually looks really well, better than she has in months, but I’m not sure. If it were me and my DH didn’t tell me this kind of news I’d go ballistic but my DH doesn’t cope well with things like this, I’m not saying anyone does but he is more than likely autistic, as is our ds, so I get why. Him being away with ds is probably the last chance he has to have fun for a while as it’s going to be a difficult few months and although my heart says don’t tell him and let him enjoy the last few days of his holiday but then my head says tell him. I just don’t know what to do.

I said I was torn about what to do because I was.

If you tell him while he is away what will you achieve? You need to be there to support ds and dh when break the news, don't do it over the phone.
Obviously tell him if her condition changes and he needs to come home but as she wanted them to enjoy the trip don't take that away from them now.
Just because you would want to know doesn't mean that is the right thing to do, neurodiverse people often require a different approach.
I am like you but my dh has autism, I would wait in your circumstances.

I would categorically wait. You are thinking what you’d want and have said both dh and Ds process things differently. If they were away for a month, perhaps, a few more days, absolutely not.

Personally I think she doesn't get to refuse to tell him herself and simultaneously control when you tell him.

How will your husband feel if he finds out that this has all been hidden from him? If someone hid this from me I would be heartbroken and also pretty angry, tbh.

I get what you’re saying. I was leaning towards not telling him until he gets home but then I felt a sense of guilt as it’s his mum yet I know about her condition before he does.

@LyncSync I am so sorry that you are in such a difficult and traumatic situation. From everything that you have written, I feel that it would be best for everyone to wait until your DH is back.
However, is he likely to ask you how his DM is on the phone? How would you answer?

So sorry to hear the sad news you know you DH the best, what do you think he would want you to do. Has he not asked about his mum, whilst he and DS have been away knowing she has had tests? Or did he not know before he went away? My DH doesn’t cope well in these situations either, he tends to bury his head in the sand, so I can empathise there OP. Would MIL be annoyed if they came home early, if she wanted them to enjoy the holiday. Wishing you all the best, we lost MIL to cancer, it’s such a cruel disease.

Oh, and I am autistic as well and would categorically want to be told so that I can decide what to do myself.

I would hate to find out things were kept from me just because I have autism.

He asked about his DM on the phone last night right after I’d got off the phone to SIL. I was in shock and didn’t know what to do so I lied and said that there was no change. I don’t feel proud about it but I was still processing things myself.

Let dh and ds have their trip. After all life won't be the same soon.. Let them have this time in ignorant bliss.

@LyncSync I've been the one on holiday and come home to sad news. Initially I was upset for not knowing - felt guilty about being off enjoying myself while reality was happening back home and cross about not being in control of it - like, if I was told I could have decided if I was staying on holiday or not.

But quite quickly I understood and appreciated the decision, it wouldn't have made any material difference and being rested from holiday helped me with emotions. My guilt and crossness was just reacting to the news, not a true feeling, and in hindsight I think the right decision was made in my case, and if tables were turned, and its only a couple of days, you can wait til your DH returns. Nowadays I look back viewing it was a sad time, and the holiday is bittersweet memories before reality took hold. But if I'd been told, it would have been a ruined holiday followed by sadness - I think the former was better really.

Won't he be even more angry and hurt to find out he's been lied to for the best part of a week, though?

I know posters are saying that he should be left to enjoy his holiday but he'll find out when he gets home that everyone has been lying to him anyway

That would be enough to ruin any nice memories anyway for me.

Ouch. Luckily no-one else seems to have read OP this way.

OP, doesn’t sound like there is much to be gained by telling dh whilst on holiday. All the best.

Wait til he is home.

His Mum told him to go on the holiday, she wants him to have his holiday.

He needs to take bad news ‘delicately’: away from you, with responsibility for your Ds is a big thing for him to cope with and will almost certainly lead to upset for Ds.

Your MIL has people around her this week, she wanted him to go on the holiday. What good is done by depth-charging the holiday when he is himself without you there to support him?

Given the situation you’ve described and the opinions of other parties involved, I can’t see ANY good argument for telling him.

Your desire to tell him seems to come from how you’d deal with the situation if you were in his position, but he isn’t you, and neither is anyone else.

Ooof. Your comments have been quite unkind, not really fair on op who doesn’t appear to be giving any indication of being attention seeking etc. Wind your neck in.

OP - you have been put in a terribly difficult dilemma, but it sounds like you know what to do, just need some reassurance it’s right. The point is either option is horrible for your DH. Not telling him at least salvages time for your son.

That's an awful thing to say!

It sounds like YOU have some serious issues for you to jump to this conclusion!

Sorry you fine yourself in such a sad and difficult situation. For me, I think your son's needs tip the balance to not telling him.

I'm sorry for the impossible place you been put in op.

If it is affordable and feasible, I would go to where your dh is holidaying and tell him face to face.
Or meet with close family and friends from your side to share your experience with.

One good advice is not to tell him over text message.

You poor thing - sounds so hard. Given your update re your son I would wait till they get home. Will give you a chance to process as well.

Wait until he gets home.

If he asks again how your MIL is then just report back on how she's doing at that particular time, not the long term, ie "she's had a good day today" or "she's feeling very uncomfortable today"!

It doesn't to me. It doesn't sound like OP wants a "moment" at all. OP I'd wait

I would definitely wait until he gets home.

Don't feed it, posters. There are always those who get their jollies trying to make an upsetting situation even worse.

I wouldn't tell him, it's up to his mother and sounds like she wanted him to have a nice holiday. At the very least you should check what she wants you to do.