Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've spent nearly 10 years trying to decide whether or not to have a kid

334 replies

ForestGoblin · 31/07/2023 06:29

I think I must be the weirdest person on the planet. Everyone knows, right? But not me. I want to want kids. Been pregnant a couple of times but even then didn't feel any resolution. Mostly panic but uncertainty then relief then sadness.

Don't enjoy the company of kids but then they do say it's different when it's your own.

Husband would make a lovely dad but he says it's my choice and we already have a loving life together.

I want to be a better person and I think children could make me that but what if it made me bitter and cruel instead.

I have terrible social anxiety. Maybe it would make me strong for them. Or maybe I'd mess them up.

Worry about old age but know we're fundamentally all on our own for that.

A glimmer of me wants to meet "my" baby but a huge bit of me knows this is sentimental.

What if the baby has additional needs.

What if I have a birth injury.

What if my husband gets sicker (he has kidney disease).

What if I don't then at 45 something clicks.

What if I get bored. Either way.

Life is just so scary I hate it.

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 31/07/2023 12:14

I think the loneliness thing is something you need to work on yourself first, before making a decision.

What happens when the kids grow up and likely move away?

Coatimundi · 31/07/2023 12:15

Children grow up. They move away and have their own lives. Especially likely now that the UK is going through hard times. I live in a different country from my mum. Most people can't afford a big family these days anyway, and that bring its own problems.

Rathouse · 31/07/2023 12:19

Hibiscrubbed · 31/07/2023 11:43

Another valuable post. Not so much.

Also you should see a doctor if you’re so lacking in energy at 33.

Show quote history

God this post is so patronising. Having children is tiring at many ages the poster just meant she wouldn't start having anymore at 33. It's mentally tiring too. I doubt the GP can do much for that 😅

chezpopbang · 31/07/2023 12:19

For me kids are something you really have got to want because it is so hard. I didn't want kids for a long time. I just saw them as a lot of hard work. Then I met my husband and I just wanted to have that family life with him. I wanted to share something with him. I wanted to see both him and myself in a little person and watch them grown. It also helped that I knew he would be an amazing dad, I'm not sure I would have wanted it had I not had the supportive partner I did. I still think kids are very hard work but somehow sharing the load makes it easier.

DirectionToPerfection · 31/07/2023 12:26

Rathouse · 31/07/2023 12:19

God this post is so patronising. Having children is tiring at many ages the poster just meant she wouldn't start having anymore at 33. It's mentally tiring too. I doubt the GP can do much for that 😅

Show quote history

I mean she literally said it was too tiring at that age, as if 33 is ancient. 🙄

Anyway it's not particularly helpful to the OP who is older than that and has no children. What a 33 yo who already has kids would do is completely irrelevant.

Annaishere · 31/07/2023 12:28

I really do feel so aged and worn out compared to when I was in my twenties. Maybe it’s just the life I had

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 31/07/2023 12:51

I am considerably older than 33 and I feel good. But I only have myself and husband to think about.

I hate how socialised I am on this whole thing - I like to think I'm a free thinker but guess no woman is an island.

OP posts:
tothelefttotheleft · 31/07/2023 13:02

AbsoIutelyLovely · 31/07/2023 07:58

I didn’t realise what a witch I was until I had kids so don’t do it just to make yourself a better person ffs 😂

I read something that said having children shows you who you really are.

LaMaG · 31/07/2023 13:02

OP obviously only you can make this decision but it sounds to me like you are happy to not have children but feel you are somehow letting everyone else down and missing out on something you can't quite fathom. Its OK to be a couple without children, you shouldn't feel ashamed of who you are or how you feel. Some people (like my sis) are not maternal and it doesn't mean she isn't a kind sensitive person.

What struck me was the kind of detached way you spoke of previous pregnancies, I think that is an indication of what you really feel deep down? For me MC was devastating, and if I hadn't had children after I'm not sure if I could ever move on. But it sounds like you were OK?

Rathouse · 31/07/2023 13:03

@DirectionToPerfection well if she's pondering 10 bloody years it doesn't sound like she needs to add a baby to the mix. You or I can't make that choice for her she's had lots of feedback. To be honest it is life changing but it does sound extreme that OP has been toying with idea for 10 years! There are no guarantees with motherhood lots of twists and twists and turns along your own individual motherhood journey. Your experience and mine won't be the same.

PrrrplePineapple · 31/07/2023 13:06

I'm almost 40 and have known for years that I didn't want kids. I thought carefully about it for a long time but ultimately I knew because every time I imagined how life would be with kids, I actively felt displeasure at the thought of it. I did worry for a while that my biological clock would kick in and make me desperate for a child, but it hasn't so far and I'm pretty sure it never will. I have never once regretted not wanting kids. I prefer my life without kids and I definitely feared feeling resentful if I'd chosen to have kids because that would have led to so much unhappiness and guilt and that's just not something I want for myself or my potential kids. Some of my friends love having kids, some of them feel resentful because they think their lives were so much better before kids, some are really struggling and are deeply unhappy and some seem to really relish parenthood.

Parenthood is not for everyone, and that's just fine. There's no need for guilt or anguish about it, do what feels right for you and figure out how to enjoy your life the most you can whatever your choice is.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 31/07/2023 13:08

KimberleyClark · 31/07/2023 06:32

If you really wanted a kid you would have done something about it by now.

Fearing regretting not having a kid is not the same as really wanting one.

This.

You don’t want a child.

DirectionToPerfection · 31/07/2023 13:09

Rathouse · 31/07/2023 13:03

@DirectionToPerfection well if she's pondering 10 bloody years it doesn't sound like she needs to add a baby to the mix. You or I can't make that choice for her she's had lots of feedback. To be honest it is life changing but it does sound extreme that OP has been toying with idea for 10 years! There are no guarantees with motherhood lots of twists and twists and turns along your own individual motherhood journey. Your experience and mine won't be the same.

I'm really not sure where you got the idea that I'm trying to push the OP towards motherhood, if you actually read my posts I've said something very different.

FreeRider · 31/07/2023 13:09

I'm 55 soon and I haven't had children - and neither have my two brothers.

I knew from an early age, pre 10, that I didn't want children. I'm the child of a man who didn't want children, and the only reason myself and my two brothers even exist is because my mother is Catholic.

My parents really shouldn't have had children - both were extremely self absorbed/selfish and never put us first. We were fed, clothed and housed...but that was it. There was no emotional bond between my parents and zero towards us. I've never been hugged or kissed by either parent. My mother had children because her religion told her she 'should' - but she made it pretty obvious she disliked parenthood.

I've been pregnant twice and terminated both without a moments hesitation or regret. When I think of the terminations now, all I feel is what I've always felt - incredible relief that that option was available to me.

My mother bothered me for literal decades about having children, she only really stopped when I was in my mid 40s. I have never felt a moment's guilt for not giving her grandchildren...I know I have disappointed her with most of the choices I have a made as an adult, but that's fine...she has disappointed me my whole life. Like me, she will just have to live with that disappointment.

Jo190 · 31/07/2023 13:11

Oh and I can confirm that they literally cost thousands, without even thinking about what else they cost us in a metaphorical sense. Like I said, I’ve only got a young child but we’ve spent enough on their supplies as a baby even - just the very tip of the iceberg before education etc comes into the equation. Something else to consider.

FreeRider · 31/07/2023 13:14

I should also add that neither myself nor my brothers were planned - we were all 'accidents'....something my mother neither tired of telling us as children. My father finally got around to having a vasectomy after my younger brother was born.

meatbaseddessert · 31/07/2023 13:16

Greatest joy imaginable

Hmm not what my 'really honest' friends have told me. They've been quite clear about the drudgery, boredom, sometimes hatred, then the logistical nightmares, the reasoning with little dictators etc etc and you've only got to toddlerhood.

They've been quite clear that they would never have done it if they knew what they did now. Both were desperate for children from an early age. Of course no one can own up to not actually wanting them now they are here so they say 'of course I wouldn't be without them now' which is double speak for 'I'm stuck with the fuckers.'

If you are wavering why do it?

Your brain has an evolutionary element of survival that is one of the strongest forces you will experience. To procreate and do it as many times over. But its incredibly base. Thankfully humans have an outer cortex of intelligence that can override the monkey, drug addicted brain within.
If you have any doubts. Any. Don't go there.

Rathouse · 31/07/2023 13:18

@DirectionToPerfection I wasn't I was just giving my opinion...

Benihana · 31/07/2023 13:19

I don't regret my DC, but they have put immense pressure on my marriage. This is with the following advantages:
both ND
had them young
am physically and mentally fit with zero anxieties
have sufficient money
had loving and relatively decent parents

And still it is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I am still helping them through life, even as young adults, because these days parenting does not stop at 18.

Benihana · 31/07/2023 13:20

Ugh, I meant both my DC are NT, not ND. Always confuse the two.

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 31/07/2023 13:22

I suppose the thing is - it's easy to be confident with my choice when I could still change my mind. Harder when the door is locked. BUT agree definitely better to come to terms with no kids than to have a child and feel regret.

The human experience is bonkers, huh.

OP posts:
Benihana · 31/07/2023 13:24

I think we can all agree the human experience is bonkers! I think a certain amount of regret is inevitable no matter what you choose. I think if I had more family nearby- mine are scattered- I might not have had DC.

Miajk · 31/07/2023 13:26

It's better to regret not having a child than regretting having one.

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 31/07/2023 13:31

I think my nieces and nephew have cemented the cons side for me for sure (their parents seem to have pretty equal and respectful arrangements but they are exhausted and resentful that they can't do all the things I do). But they are under three and I know this won't last forever. One day they will have free time AND hopefully young people they feel proud of.

Talking to older relatives I wonder what it will be like when I am the old one.

OP posts:
Evaka · 31/07/2023 13:38

Hi OP. I wrangled with the same question for many years. Read a book earlier this year called Motherhood: is it for me? Cannot recommend it enough. I reached the decision not to have kids at last and haven't had so much as a hint of doubt since. It helps separate your true desire from social expectations which are fucking intense! I'm 41 and excited about all the things I can do without a second thought as a childfree woman, and also can be a really supportive aunt as my nieces and nephews grow up. Good luck on your journey!