I've spent nearly 10 years trying to decide whether or not to have a kid

[ForestGoblin]

I think I must be the weirdest person on the planet. Everyone knows, right? But not me. I want to want kids. Been pregnant a couple of times but even then didn't feel any resolution. Mostly panic but uncertainty then relief then sadness.

Don't enjoy the company of kids but then they do say it's different when it's your own.

Husband would make a lovely dad but he says it's my choice and we already have a loving life together.

I want to be a better person and I think children could make me that but what if it made me bitter and cruel instead.

I have terrible social anxiety. Maybe it would make me strong for them. Or maybe I'd mess them up.

Worry about old age but know we're fundamentally all on our own for that.

A glimmer of me wants to meet "my" baby but a huge bit of me knows this is sentimental.

What if the baby has additional needs.

What if I have a birth injury.

What if my husband gets sicker (he has kidney disease).

What if I don't then at 45 something clicks.

What if I get bored. Either way.

Life is just so scary I hate it.

Well who else is it going to be about at this stage? The child doesn't exist.

No, I don’t “see a desire for children clouded by anxiety”
I see a big cloud of anxiety, and I think that what OP wants is an unknown even to herself.

It’s not that each feeling is unusual, because you’re right they aren’t, what is unusual is a pattern where 100% of feelings are anxious/fearful feelings. The only positives listed by OP are what should be statements, as a pp worded it, they read like things that are socially expected of motherhood, not things the OP is feeling in her gut.

I don't think it's that unusual to be unsure. I think it's more common for men to feel ambivalent and go ahead only because their partner wants children.

My best friend doesn't have children, she is a bit of a fence sitter and probably would only have them if a partner wanted them, now shes 30 and single so i suspect she never will. It's OK to not want children, they are a lot of work and can create a lot of strain on your relationship with a partner.

I love my kids and am glad I had them but with my first I did mourn my life before a bit (by second I had accepted it!) and I wanted kids and actively tried to have them.

I have seen some pretty batshit ideas expressed on here about how choosing g not to have a child is denying a child the chance of life.

It's totally normal to worry about these things. I worried that my baby would hate me and vice versa.

Having my daughter has been amazing. She's just the best girl and I can't believe how lucky I am. She was an easy baby and is an easy toddler , and I've not found motherhood as hard as I was told it would be or thought it would be. She's only 2 though, maybe that will change in time.

I'm terrified at the thought of another. What if the next one is a terror? They say no 2 are the same. What if I regret it? What if they don't get along? I didn't get along with my sister throughout our teens and 20s and the thought of my child going through that is horrible. Then again, what if they are best friends and our family felt complete? What if adding another child is the best decision?

Maybe stop contraception. Don't try but don't prevent. If it happens it happens. If it doesn't that's fine too.

Honestly? Don't do it. Everything you've written screams at me that you would hate it. As you get older you're more settled in life and a baby blows that out of the water.

I adored having my first 2DC - every age & stage as kids. DC1 is still a joy, DC2 is a very tricky teen and DC3 (who I had at 39) has ASD, ADHD & epilepsy and despite loving every inch of him if I'd known what life is now (very tough) I wouldn't have made the decision to have another. That sounds harsh, but I'm being very honest. I feel like I've lost me & my freedom.

@BillaBongGirl I'm responding based on your own words:

"If she had no desire for children, it’s doubtful she would have been mulling it over for ten years."

Anyway, I think we can agree that OP would benefit from some treatment for her anxiety and that she shouldn't feel critical of herself for making either choice.

'Maybe stop contraception. Don't try but don't prevent. If it happens it happens. If it doesn't that's fine too.'

Not that I think you would, but obviously DON'T do this! Terrible advice 🤦🏻‍♂️

Maybe stop contraception. Don't try but don't prevent. If it happens it happens. If it doesn't that's fine too.

Again awful advice. All babies deserve to be positively planned for and actively wanted. Don’t take the risk of it happening g if you are not 100% sure you want it.

It couldn't be clearer you don't want to be a parent. So don't! You really don't have to.

I fluctuated.
By the time I found out I was pregnant with my twins, I'd separated from my husband, was not in a good way mentally or financially, and was in no state to be having children.

Having not worked hard enough on myself and my issues, I totally fucked up the first four years of their lives (not totally, but I carry a lot of guilt and shame). I wish I was the person I am now when I was pregnant.

My twins do have additional needs and it's really tough being on my own with them, but these days I love being a parent and like myself as an individual, so things are so much better.

I guess that doesn't answer your AIBU, but just wanted to share some of my experience.

I desperately wanted a child and was so broody but motherhood (and parenthood according to my husband) does cause you to miss your previous freedoms. Eg I miss my quality time with him as our marriage has been affected massively despite having a wonderful relationship previously. (We still do but it’s not what it was..) I miss taking care of myself like I did before. I miss not worrying about everything! I have a young child though so hope I’ll be able to do these things again one day - maybe in a couple of decades. 😁 Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change things for the world and I’d be devastated if I couldn’t have been a mum, but if you’re not too bothered either way, I perhaps wouldn’t start a family. Especially if you’re anxiety prone as am I. I constantly worried about many things throughout pregnancy and it hasn’t got any easier now they’re here. But I love being a mum too. It’s full of conflicted feelings! I wish people were more open about this in real life as it would have made my transition to motherhood easier. All I heard about was the “baby bubble” which I actually didn’t experience.

All the best in your decision but I think you’re right to not be taking the decision lightly. It’s a huge one, it goes without saying. So many don’t give it much thought - that it deserves.

You sound very sensible, OP.

I hope this doesn’t come across as the most insensitive post on the thread (I truly don’t mean it to be) but 3 things to consider

You sound like you don’t want a child or children. You don’t even seem like you’re on the fence at all. That’s okay.

The fact that you have adhd means that there’s a higher risk a child of yours would be nd. This is something to consider. It means that parenting would be even more challenging.

Do you have any pets? I think you could live an extremely fulfilling life with just one (or more) and still get to nurture something and feel loved in return.
And it’s fine too to not want any pets. Being a woman doesn’t mean you have to be a nurturer

To echo what others have said, it would be far better to live with the regret of not having had a child.

Read up on the stats for divorce/ splitting up once kids are born. The highest rates occur between 0-5 years....there is a very good reason for that.
Your husband's comment about it being you decision would give me pause for thought, but while ultimately it's you that has to gestate the baby once it's born, (breast feeding aside) the parenting should be 50:50.... I mean it normally isn't which no doubts adds to the separation statistics.
Things to think about, would you work full time? Who would take time off when the baby/ toddler / child is Ill? Is there a good nursery or childminder? Would a grandparent be prepared to look after said baby/ toddler/ child?
Are you prepared to put your life on hold for several years? Are you accepting of the fact any hobbies you and your husband have, would likely be put on hold for some considerable time?

That just getting out the door with a baby or toddler in tow, takes so much longer? That packing for a night or two suddenly becomes a mission in its own right? (Okay slightly exaggerating, but pre kids I'd be packed and ready to go in quite literally ten mins, once dc came along, it seemed unbelievable the amount of stuff I needed)
Children won't lessen your anxiety, if anything they will heighten it, and once they become teens and get more independent that anxiety becomes an even heavier burden....so whilst having teens is physically much easier, and you start to get a bit more freedom in terms of getting your life back, the worry of where they are, what they are up to, and the dramas around friendships and online stuff is whole other dimension.
I love my dc, and therein lies the issue, because I love them I worry about them, and those worries get greater as they get older, whilst I know my job is to guide and pick up the pieces when things go wrong, it doesn't take away the pain of seeing them suffer. I'm sure there are a few parents who glide through parenting and child rearing, but I think they are very much in the minority, for most of us it's a hard and long path, yes it can be very rewarding, but bloody hell we need some rewards occasionally or no one in their right mind would ever have children!
I don't regret having children but I wouldn't be encouraging mine to have them, in fact I've rammed it home to both, career first family later, I've also told them, I have no wish to be a burden on them if I make it to old bones, it's not their job to look after me, I'd hope and want them to be off doing their own thing.

Another valuable post. Not so much.

Also you should see a doctor if you’re so lacking in energy at 33.

If you have to ask, you know the answer, and just need validation.

Don't do it op. I say that as a 63 year old whose mother has always been very clear that she never wanted children. Choice was trickier and empire line bridal gowns weren't unusual in 1960. Having me didn't make her happy.

Unless you have a burning and deep seated desire for children, I'd suggest it would be better not to have them.

Your ALLOWED to not have children.
Your life seems so full of things that worry you.
You have been pregnant and I think your comments show that maybe life has decided for you. I would instead focus on enjoying the life you have and ensure you don't fall pregnant again.
Decide to decide on being child free and live your best life.
You can now just shrug and say what a shame it was not to be and get rid of any guilt...

I see a big cloud of anxiety, and I think that what OP wants is an unknown even to herself.

Obviously I can't speak for OP but her posts read to me like she clearly doesn't want children, but is anxious about the implications of making that decision. Also some self criticism for not feeling how she thinks a woman is supposed to.

I really really appreciate all of your thoughts. I know intellectually that a child free life can be great and I agree that the social pressure to have children can make it impossible to know your own mind. I have found on occasions in the past (on much less profound matters) that I've stubbornly ploughed my own furrow then discovered that people do things the original way for good reason. I wouldn't like to do that here. But also I think the pressure to pretend to be happy once it's done probably plays a role for some.

I hate being lonely is another thing. I know children don't stop loneliness (and being a new mum can be one of the loneliest times in life). But there's sort of an urge to make a mini tribe of people who will know that I exist.

I also really really recognise what the poster earlier said about extreme gratitude for living in a time where we have choice.

Tbh I do believe that OP would massively benefit from therapy and help with her anxiety, mainly because it will help with all those "guilt" feelings.

Children don't make you less lonely.

A big family might give you a sense of security in this world, though? (I am too old for a big family anyway)

I would feel lonely without my son

I agree. The school gate will be the loneliest place in the world to be if you have social anxiety.

Sorry for all the pessimism