How generous are you with money in friendships

[Ryvitas]

Inspired by another thread.
I will likely get criticised for this, but if I go out for a coffee or bite to eat (on the very odd occasion) I will pay for my own, I won't pay for my friends'. I don't like letting others pay for mine, but if they absolutely insist, I will make sure I buy theirs the next time. Otherwise, I will just pay for my own, and let them pay for their own.
I don't buy rounds. Again if someone's bought me a drink I will buy them one, but I won't otherwise.
I don't tend to buy them gifts unless it's an event like a wedding or a new baby.
I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly.
It probably all sounds very transactional and harsh. I believe I'm a supportive friend, but I refuse to mix money with friends.
My partner has a friend who's addicted to drugs and constantly asks them all to borrow money.
I've had several leeches in the past who always forgot their wallet and it's always 'oh I'll pay you back'.
Too many people who like being paid for.

Depends entirely on the company and usual dynamic.

@aperolspritzbasicbitch exactly, if I wanted to try out somewhere nice and have a bit of blow out I would go with friends who would want to do the same. I would not go with friends who I felt would be monitoring consumption, who ordered what, drank what etc. Not because I don't want to pay my share but because it adds an unwanted air of austerity to events.

Comments like 'are you really going to eat all that?', 'You can't want a desert after that surely', 'Have you finished that bottle of wine already?' Bit of a buzz kill.

God that sounds so tight. Mortifying that you don't even LOOK at the bill. Roy Cropper's purse comes to mind.

I kind of agree but it does rely on you being in good company. It's different if you're driving or if you have pisstakers that don't want to pay their way.

super generous but i only have a very very few friends... there is a reason for that ha ha!

Yes, you must be. Only tight people have a problem with paying for what they consumed. Utterly tiresome.

I don't think you are tight at all.

Isn't this how most people do it.

My friends are almost all as financially comfortable as me, so we just share bills and buy each other gifts whenever we feel like it. For friends struggling financially, I invite them out and insist on paying the bill so they won't worry.

I heard a lovely story once. Someone I know, when they are treating people to dinner (and their guests know that it is a treat), when everyone is looking at the menu, the host will make a point of finding either the most or one of the most expensive dishes on it and then say to the group 'I hear the lamb is amazing here' or 'the lamb is divine here if you need any recommendation' - clearing indicating to their guests that they should feel comfortable choosing that dish (rather than feel they should go with cheaper items on the menu because someone else is paying).

This is the sort of generosity of nature I try and aspire to myself (where affordable).

So far removed from reality!

I always, always split the bill at dinner.
Never go anywhere to buy a round.
With the friends I meet for coffee/breakfast, we tend to take it in turns to pay.
Theatre tickets I would expect to get the money back, and always do.
I buy lots of gifts, I love shopping. Birthdays, and Christmas only for one friend, but also will by eg a book/a lipstick/some socks or whatever if I see them and know the person will like them. The friend I do this for the most does the same for me.
I would never lend money. Give it, if I could afford it, but never lend it.

I'm generous with money generally, particularly if I know I have more than my friend.

However even if im on an equal footing with people financially, if I'm out and not drinking alcohol and they do rounds I'm happy to buy their booze drinks while I'm just getting lemonade off them or whatever. Not all night, but if we're only out for a few it doesn't bother me.

I will quite often split the bill if I've had something cheaper as well.

Don't do bday presents except for one friend who has no family so I'll get her something. I've also lent her 500 quid before (which I later wrote off when she tried to pay me back) She is a lone parent so needed it more than me.

If I ever felt like someone was taking the piss though, I would stop doing these things, no bother at all.

It's not me arrogantly determining how other people are to spend their money.

Your comment was obnoxious, I replied in kind.

That is a lovely anecdote. Perfect way of putting your guests at ease.

Real friends wouldn’t expect you to split the bill in this situation. I'm a bill splitter but would be aware if you had ordered significantly less.

Not tight at all. We all look at the costs on the menu. Perhaps you all just order and divide the bill? Not drinking alcohol reduces my costs. I don’t know if you go to restaurants but the bill there includes the drinks. I know my part of the bill so it’s easy to pay my part plus service charge contribution and tip.

I don't really have friends now and mostly go out with DH if I'm going somewhere (he always pays) so don't really worry about that sort of thing. Don't really buy gifts for anyone outside family.

In the past I've preferred to split a bill equally on the day, preferably with someone else taking charge and working out the amount. I can't stand the drama of someone insisting on paying for drinks and having to remember to pay next time. Would just rather split the bill on the day. I hate the whole concept of paying for rounds and avoid if I can help it. Just don't see the point, and hate having to remember orders for a load of people and carry lots of drinks across a bar. Don't care about the money but I'm not a waitress. Plus I never have enough drinks in a bar for everyone to have a turn paying.

Nah putting the exact money down that you memorised from the menu before you even look at the bill is skintflint city.

How do you work out service charge and tip if you don't know how much the bill is?

I think there's a minority of people who will watch to see who can be sponged off, and will then take them for anything they can. None of my friends are like this because they wouldn't be my friends if I thought this of them.

As a result, I do not count up who has paid for what when I'm with friends. There's more likely to be a polite wrangle because BOTH of us want to pay.

In my friendship group, we always pay the bill individually- we literally get our phones out and each take turns with the receipt to add up our own totals. Same in bars, always buy our own. Occasionally a friend will go up and buy me one and I will do the same after to save on queuing but agree with you OP. I have been stung many times on spliting bills and I have paid £10 + more than I consumed. I have a friend who is quite crafty when it comes to money, like she will offer to buy me coffee and say things like - you can buy me a drink tonight. But the drink tonight is about £5 more than the coffee!

Nonsense.
It's easy to go up say I had the beef, add a service charge and pay your share, takes seconds.
Who puts money down?
Most people use apple pay or a card so it makes no odds to the staff.

Exactly, every night out at a group is like this or everyone orders via QR code.
Drinks from the bar.

So you would do this even if everyone else was just splitting it? You would sly off up to the till and pay for the exact thing you had and then let them bring the remainder of the bill back to the table.

Ohh God no, mortification.

"Sly off"
You are making a drama out of nothing here.
Either everyone pays upfront, order at bar or via QR ( popular as staff reduced) or order taken at table, everyone pays either at the table or goes up.
No drama,no sly behaviour,no mortification.

I haven't been in a bill splitting situation since before covid.
I think it's quite a good idea, if someone is not that hungry,not drinking or on a budget then it makes it perfectly manageable.

We speak to each other. We all know the costs. Easy and respectful to others.