How generous are you with money in friendships

[Ryvitas]

Inspired by another thread.
I will likely get criticised for this, but if I go out for a coffee or bite to eat (on the very odd occasion) I will pay for my own, I won't pay for my friends'. I don't like letting others pay for mine, but if they absolutely insist, I will make sure I buy theirs the next time. Otherwise, I will just pay for my own, and let them pay for their own.
I don't buy rounds. Again if someone's bought me a drink I will buy them one, but I won't otherwise.
I don't tend to buy them gifts unless it's an event like a wedding or a new baby.
I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly.
It probably all sounds very transactional and harsh. I believe I'm a supportive friend, but I refuse to mix money with friends.
My partner has a friend who's addicted to drugs and constantly asks them all to borrow money.
I've had several leeches in the past who always forgot their wallet and it's always 'oh I'll pay you back'.
Too many people who like being paid for.

When it comes to new friends, bits of shopping and card declined? Yeah OK, coffee, yeah occasionally. Maybe even a cheap lunch.

Friends who are poorer than me, I'll pretty much get their coffee/lunch all the time.

Friend who used to get me lunch when I was a broke 18/19 year old. She needs to forget she has money when she sees me. I'll pay for her, every time, no questions.

I buy the odd gift, especially for friends who are generous too in the way they have friendships. I always intend to give more than I get back.

Wouldn't be my bag at all, don't think I have ever done it to be honest. The bill comes, we split it, all throw in a tip and that's it.

No calculators.
No going up alone to the till.
No totting up.

I suppose it depends on the friend group.

I'm an accountant so it may be that, but I usually know what I have ordered, and in a group of 4 or fewer, what everyone else has ordered, what that cost, what service charge il expecting and therefore what everyone would end up paying if they paid exactly. There's no deliberate memorising or anything really, and adding 10 or 12.5% takes seconds.

Then I can decide whether to suggest we split it (if it's within a couple of quid) or not, if it's not. I might well still offer to split if it's me who has ordered less but I would never do that if it was me who has ordered more - hence preferring to keep track in my head.

Having done a grad scheme in accounting and then worked in finance I have a Lot of friends who are accountants and they would pretty much all do the same thing.

Maybe we are an exceptionally strange breed.

I made the mistake of lending a 'friend' money once and I never got it back.

On the rare occasions I eat out with a group I will want to pay for what I've had and that's it. I also hate when people want to split the bill equally, when they have had more drinks and more expensive food than everyone else. CFs.

If I ever need to borrow money from someone in an extreme situation, like if I have no cash and it's cash only, I will transfer them the money asap.

And as for rounds, I don't drink and these favour those who do. No thanks.

It's perfectly normal to do this where I am.
No-one splits bills anymore.
How does that work anyway?
Everyone pays or one person?
How 2018 to sit there transferring money !

Everyone pays...kinda like when you don't split the bill and just pay for exactly what you got.

It's not 2018 not to be a skinflint where I come from :)

The only thing I wouldn't do is get into rounds because I don't drink and there is only so much Coke you can drink when people are out for a few drinks.
I totally understand staying on your own drinkswise if it is a night out but food? Nah, split it down the middle.

So it's exactly same?
How ridiculous.

I'm not a skinflint, I pay for what I have and that's exactly what everyone else does.
Zero drama or issues.

Actually I think it's far more inclusive, people can relax and enjoy it without worrying about about being hit with a big bill or having to explain they aren't drinking etc

Always interesting how heated these things get. I prefer to pay for what I eat because sometimes I'm watching my spending. I'm not 'tight' I'm just not always able to afford as much as other people.

It's rude IMO to put others in a tricky spot with money. Good manners is to be understanding of other people's situation.

I'll pay for coffee etc. and my friends do likewise. When we go out for dinner with our husbands we usually split the bill. Sometimes the restaurant objects and then we take turns paying. It's not a big deal. It's not like a law or something, in some circumstances you pay (a bit more), on other occasions a friend insists to pay. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Words like tight arse and skinflint are also incredibly rude just because some people do things differently to you. You're entitled to do what you want, as are we.

With my close friends we tend to take it in turns but I stopped with one friend because I was always paying.

My close friends recognise if they've had alcohol and I've not so pay extra to cover it (if we are paying separately). I couldn't keep covering the alcohol.

I'd loan money to close friends but I've never needed to for years. If I really needed money I'm sure they would help me.

I've had to practice not being a people pleaser with everyone else because some just take advantage.

It's not heated 😂
I would prefer not to be called names because my experience is different so I'm not stooping to that.

I think we must live in very different areas.
It's the norm here, busy bars , restaurants etc and it cuts down on people leaving without paying if it's paid for upfront.
It's no more difficult to say I had xyz and pay than it is for everyone to pay 56.23

I can see it might be different in a smaller place.
I totally agree, it's far better to just pay your way.
It is morei nclusive and understanding.

If you're splitting the bill between a few, you still need to get the calculator out (or do the Maths) to work the figure out. Whoops..

My best friend is a newly single Mum I tend to pick up the tab as much as possible as I am double income she is single income but if she catches on that it really isn't my turn she insists.
We tend to socialise with similar people so it all evens out in the end.

Susan had Prawns for an extra £3, I am not going to quibble over that ha ha.

I have just asked my sister for her opinion as she is here and she said she has been out on a couple of occasions where someone insists on totting up their own and some poor fecker is always left paying the surplus coz skinflint forgot to add on their coffee or the surcharge on their steak.
I suppose it just boils down to how careful your are with your cash and if you count the pennies. I can't think of anything worse than totting up what I ate but I do know a lot of people do do that. To me, it is miserly, to them it may be just the way they are or they could be struggling for money and if it is the latter that is perfectly understandable.
At the end of the day though it is person's own prerogative on how they deal with it same as the person's own prerogative on whether they judge it as mean or thrifty.

No, the server does that, just divides the bill by the number at the table. the diners do nothing.

Not everybody is forgetful and/or bad at maths.

The name-calling is irritating. As long as people ultimately pay for what they had, how does it matter how they got there?

Ok I'm financially very comfortable luckily but that is a very privileged position to be in given current state of the economy to go out with no idea of what you will pay.
That's a no for many people right now.

Can I ask that people stop with the whole skinflint thing, it's rude and unnecessary.

The city I live in many places, particularly brunch type places and cocktail bars it's the norm to order via QR code .
It's also the norm to either order at a bar and pay or pay individually with the waitress just taking off what you had.
No-one is being sly, making a scene or anything like that.

Exactly, it is incredibly rude.
Stop now with the names.

You've been told by several people now to stop.

I apologise for the skinflint thing, that was out of order.

I just have honestly never gone out for dinner and it wasn't just split and I would find it incredibly mortifying totting up what I had and just asking to pay for that. However I have paid for a friend when we were out as I knew they could not afford it so I would pay for 2/6 but it would still be divided 6 ways. I just have never seen it done any differently.

Thank you.

Apology accepted
There's no totting up
Either you pay upfront via QR/ app or at the bar.
Or you say what you had, server hits a button or something 😅and gives you a total.
Zero issues.
I can see if it's a boozy one with bottles of wine etc it might get tricky but we are all teetotal these days !

Life is too short to figure out who spent 50p more or less than someone else and thankfully my friends feel the same. I also think it’s just nicer all round to split the bills and then it’s easier for a tip etc.

I can see there are examples of ‘well I don’t want to pay as I had a tap water and one slice of lemon biscuit cake and others had 3 x cocktails’

I find it so bizarre that you would ever be in that situation…? When I go out we always get the same sort of things as each other. Would be odd to have one of us have a water and others 3x cocktails/drinks. The only time we haven’t is if someone pregnant as obviously not drinking and go home earlier. Odd to be socialising with others who you don’t have any common values/alignment with imo.

I know I just couldn’t stand tight people/people who try not to pay. I imagine it’s always those with the most money who try to avoid paying up. So embarrassing - I just couldn’t ever do that or be friends or even socialise with anyone like that tbh.