How generous are you with money in friendships

[Ryvitas]

Inspired by another thread.
I will likely get criticised for this, but if I go out for a coffee or bite to eat (on the very odd occasion) I will pay for my own, I won't pay for my friends'. I don't like letting others pay for mine, but if they absolutely insist, I will make sure I buy theirs the next time. Otherwise, I will just pay for my own, and let them pay for their own.
I don't buy rounds. Again if someone's bought me a drink I will buy them one, but I won't otherwise.
I don't tend to buy them gifts unless it's an event like a wedding or a new baby.
I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly.
It probably all sounds very transactional and harsh. I believe I'm a supportive friend, but I refuse to mix money with friends.
My partner has a friend who's addicted to drugs and constantly asks them all to borrow money.
I've had several leeches in the past who always forgot their wallet and it's always 'oh I'll pay you back'.
Too many people who like being paid for.

It’s not buying their food and drink, swings and roundabouts whether someone spends £2 more this time than last. Fair enough if someone is struggling for money but generally I find it petty to sit there working it out and would rather meet friends for something else than sit there working out how much mine came to.

This is an interesting question OP!

I actually feel like I have become more tight in recent years as I am naturally generous but have ended up feeling a bit silly or taken advantage of at times. If it's a coffee I'd get one for my friend if it's a good friend and I'm there first. For lunch and dinners I'm happy to split the bill unless some people are drinking and I'm not. I've done this before when pregnant and out with friends who were drinking a lot and one of them said "shall we split the bill?" I said no I'm not paying for all your drinks (which cost more than the food!).

I do but gifts but I'm a lot more money conscious than I was and I do it less. I think I need to go back the other way a bit though as a few times I've regretted not giving more!

Haven't really loaned money but I do have a friend who always forgets her purse or asks for stuff and I just refuse now.

I think im pretty generous with friends. I think friends are generous with me too, but we are realistic when skint.
I think we are all just a bit shit with money really 😄

I have a close circle of friends. There are 6 of us.
gay couple, lesbian couple, and another couple in me and my partner.
Sorry what are you implying here? If one is gay or a lesbian it impacts how they handle money or split the bill? Do they eat more or just have expensive tastes? Or you're cool because you're straight but have gay friends? Sorry, feel free to enlighten me!

But I don't think anyone is talking about £2 more.

If OP buys 1 course, why would she fund people buy 3 courses?

I think it can be mainly be avoided by eating with like minded people but there are times when you can't avoid it.

Well, I'm sure you love showing your largesse to your non-paying friend, don't you? I mean, you must, mustn't you, after calling the OP a miser?

OP's friendships are very different to what you've stated as your own experience so, where do you get off on calling her names?

==

OP... I understand, it's a barometer and most people get it and behave accordingly. It doesn't need talking about, it's just there and friends instinctively know where it currently lies. Takers don't/won't - feel free not to pay for them and ignore clueless people who call you a 'miser' based on their own non-comparable situations..

Never do rounds ( we are in a walking group and if we go to the pub everyone pays for themselves. Everyone simply expects that. Some people come every week, some only every six weeks or so so it would be very messy to work out who owed who a drink)
Pay for myself everytime, unless it's a friends birthday treat ( they are always friends who return the gift)
Mum pays for what she has I pay for what I have.
Have never, ever been asked to lend money to anyone. Never would. I was a skint single parent of 2 for years. I wouldn't have dreamt if asking anyone for a penny.

I check the prices before I order and know how much I’ve spent. I then put that money in with a contribution to the service charge and a tip. I don’t need to see the bill to have to check the amount I owe. I don’t do rounds so that doesn’t concern me

Jesus. Wind your neck in, caped crusader.

My friendship circle is 2 lesbian couples, and a gay couple.

We are all flaming homosexuals, so nobody is straight or "cool" for having gay friends.
And yes, I'd say that we probably do have expensive tastes.

Our demographic is relevant to us because none of us have to consider the kind of pressures that might be on heterosexual couples of our age group.
None of us have children, for example, so nobody is parenting at home while the other works, none of us are funding kids, and our money ours to spend as we see fit, which can alter the dynamics of finances within friendships. In our case, it makes things much more relaxed.

One hopes that madame has been suitably "enlightened".

No I mean I’m not going to bother treating anymore! Halfs only from now on

@Verv I'm no cape crusader. What's relevant is the not having children part. Being gay doesn't mean you can't have children nor does it mean you only like posh stuff. Being gay has nothing to do with how one spends their own money imho. I think you're perpetuating bad stereotypes but to each their own. Let's agree to disagree and let it go.

~Take it in turns to buys coffees, but don't massively keep track so either of us could end up paying 2 on the trot
~split bills mainly, none of us would sit and have an extra course
~sometimes do rounds, sometimes just order our own
~on occasion, as I'm leaving the house for a drink with friends my DP might have me over some cash to cover my night, I'll always use some of that for a round, regardless of what anyone else does
~we buy birthday gifts for each other and our children, but don't do Xmas
~ would lone money as long as it didn't leave us with nothing. My friends ex husband screwed her over a few years ago money-wise, so I dropped a Tesco gift card through her door to take the pressure off the food shop for a few weeks.

I find it easy to be relatively generous with my friends though, as I know I'd get nothing but the same back

No, let's not.

Being gay DOES sometimes mean different spending habits.
It's why the phrase "pink pound" is regularly referenced and companies are more aware of it.
You've heard of the pink pound right?

Now, I don't know who you are, but I'm speaking from a place of experience, and I don't take kindly to being told that I'm "perpetuating bad stereotypes" when discussing how my friends and I, all of whom are gay, spend our money, split our bills, or enjoy socialising.

You are implying that having spending power, expensive tastes, or disposable income is "bad".
Thats a you problem. Not a me problem and certainly not a gay problem.

So, unless you've got some direct experience, I'd suggest that it would be exceptionally wise, not to merely "allow me off the hook" by "agreeing to disagree" but to step back entirely and stop trying to monitor what the fuck i've got to say about the way that my own circle spends its earnings.

You can start by not explaining what being gay means. Pretty sure we're aware.

I am generous but then I feel I am lucky (so far) to have generally been surrounded by like minded people - regardless of financial status. The most common arguments would be people trying to pay the whole bill not trying to get out of their share. When we know someone maybe struggling the group would just naturally take care of it, without embarrassing them.

If someone took they piss or seemed to be quite 'tight' or 'transactional', they just wouldn't fit in and perhaps this is why we naturally gravitate to like minded people.

I have been in work scenarios where it has been calculated down to the last penny - which is also fine but I wouldn't enjoy that socially or with family.

@Verv off to google pink pound...

Happy to do rounds, pay for a friend's food & drink, buy them a ticket to an event.

I wouldn't lend money to anyone, even my most trusted friends. It's a minefield.

I think that having read a lot of the replies it seems I lack close friendships that some posters seem to have. I couldn't imagine anyone ever buying me a top, dropping shopping off at my house or anything like that.
What I can say is that when it's come to baby showers, weddings and hen parties I've attended every celebration and paid a lot out. I'm not sure I will get the same in return sadly. I may do, these friends are just all too 'busy' these days.
We used to do secret Santa which I thought was a great idea, however nothing anymore sadly.

See the Op saying she had a friend who ordered steak and champagne and she ordered water and a sandwich. How does a night like occur?

I just can't envisage having a meal with a friend and ordering champagne and steak if they were going to sit with a sandwich and tap water. Awkward beyond belief.

To be honest though, If I fancied blowing out - I would always go with other like minded friends (or insist it was my treat).

The steak and champagne was an example, albeit exaggerated. I have been out once where the 4 friends had about 3 cocktails each, a starter, a main, then said, oooh shall we order a dessert?
I just had one soft drink and one course.

Step too far! Utter tight arse!

We are close friends with another couple (that we see frequently anyway), and the unwritten rule is basically if there's a nice restaurant we want to try out, we only really bother to invite the other couple.

We match each other very well in our eating, and drinking, abilities and we know it's not going to be a cheap bill. We can all relax knowing that no one is going to be feeling stressed or concerned about how much it will all come to.

You can call me whatever you like, you do you and I'll do me. I don't need to resort to lame insults.

I see @Ryvitas - in that scenario in my friendship group the disparity would be noticed and I (and others) would never dream of expecting you to split the bill - we would not even put you in the position of having to ask to pay only for what you consumed, someone would say @Ryvitas wasn't drinking and only had one course so lets take that off and then split.

See, if you trust people that much, no harm in one of you paying, and then getting re-imbursed later.
It also doesn't take that long.

I also think it's a bit of a 'privileged ' view. If your attitude is 'that's the price of socialising' then you're excluding people in financial difficulties who may have to count every penny.

I'm doing well now but I remember when I was just starting out I would do things like order a starter as a main. When people split the bill I was inevitably left out of pocket - that was my grocery budget gone for the rest of the week.

I think the key principle is not whether you split the bill. It's whether you are considerate. If you say 'well we split, but we pay extra for drinks or treat the poors' blah2 then you are going to as much 'faff' as people who pay for their own.

If you do a blanket 'anything other than splitting is bad' then you're implying that people without the means to subsidise others are unwelcome.

People are like 'well it's just a fiver' but that's a lot of money when it's all that you have left until payday!

So sorry, I read that as 'I'm not going to be just as miserly!' 😄