How generous are you with money in friendships

[Ryvitas]

Inspired by another thread.
I will likely get criticised for this, but if I go out for a coffee or bite to eat (on the very odd occasion) I will pay for my own, I won't pay for my friends'. I don't like letting others pay for mine, but if they absolutely insist, I will make sure I buy theirs the next time. Otherwise, I will just pay for my own, and let them pay for their own.
I don't buy rounds. Again if someone's bought me a drink I will buy them one, but I won't otherwise.
I don't tend to buy them gifts unless it's an event like a wedding or a new baby.
I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly.
It probably all sounds very transactional and harsh. I believe I'm a supportive friend, but I refuse to mix money with friends.
My partner has a friend who's addicted to drugs and constantly asks them all to borrow money.
I've had several leeches in the past who always forgot their wallet and it's always 'oh I'll pay you back'.
Too many people who like being paid for.

I think most people would help out people they love whether that’s financially or emotionally if they were able to and I’d do it again tomorrow if she needed it, she’s been there for me for over 25 years and supported me in ways I could never thank her enough for, I think we both agree we are very lucky to have each other

I don't do rounds mainly because I only drink soft drinks and I'll be blowed if I'm paying for people to drink pints of expensive lager or vodka &coke all night.

If I go for a meal with others I will order according to where I am with my budget that week, so I'm only paying for my own meal, rounded up, with a bit of a tip. I'm not going for this "just split it 12 ways please waiter" shenanigans.

I sound like a right skinflint don't I?

I've got a mate who can't drive and I would generally offer to pick her up (going past the pub we'd be going to to do so) but she started taking the mick eg on occasion I might go for a meal first with OH, and she'd ring and ask if I could nip out of the pub to pick her up. Or she'd ask for a lift home, but then keep ordering drinks when she knew I wanted to leave. She'd also ask to borrow £20, but then "pay me back" by buying me drinks I didn't really want so I didn't really get to see the physical cash again. (This is the mate whos behaviour has got me so agsinst buying rounds!)

Day to day wise like this I am stingey with money (and petrol!). However I will treat my friends. I might send them pamper parcels from Etsy if they're having a hard time. Even posted a friend a particular tool when she struggling with DIY once. Or treat them to a meal. Or a ticket to a concert or festival if we both want to go but they can't afford it. I mainly pay for boyfriend's share of our holidays as he just can't afford it (I'll also go away by myself too, he's not freeloading onto every little jaunt away I fancy!).

i think it's the expectation of others I don't like. If they're not expecting it I'll happily pay. Little stuff like if someone is going on a bacon butty run at work and someone hasn't got cash I'm pay for theirs. Every now an again on my day off I'll take my boyfriend a mcdonalds breakfast and one time all his colleagues shouted "Wheres ours?" so the next time I bought 4 breakfasts instead.

I've also lent someone £18k once which was my entire life savings, but I knew they were 100% reliable (well maybe only 99%, I did shit my pants on a small scale incase they let me down!)

As a Christian I also tithe monthly to my church. Which is totally my choice, it's not something they particularly push.

My philosophy on money is once I've got enough to be getting by, and a bit in savings, then it's nice to help give people a warm fuzzy feeling with some of what I have left. So many people can't get by and I'm blessed to be in a position where I can pay all my bills and have some left over for fun things.

I lend money to a colleague once so he could pay his rent instead of getting a loan. We then went to the pub and he bought people a round.
I knew another girl who had to ask the landlord to give her extra time to pay the rent. This was a girl who owned a horse... and also went on and on about how massages were amazing to lose weight and so relaxing. She'd also go partying every week. I try not to be a very trusting person now. I just get resentful and I find it harder and harder to get past things. I should be more forgiving but in reality I just dwell on things in a very negative way.

@Ineedwinenow
I'm not 'judging' her for needing the money. I've no idea why she needs it. I'm judging her for never mentioning it to you and for not offering to pay it back. Never mentioning it to you again is easiest for her? Have you kids? Wouldn't you rather they had any excess money you had?

What would you do though if you were her? Would you never say anything about it or would you offer to pay it back, very slowly if necessary?

Nope, I have no children and I didn’t want the money back nor did I need it!

Her on the other hand has 3 children and her and her husband were about to lose her house due to both getting made redundant at the same time due to Covid

i think it's the expectation of others I don't like. If they're not expecting it I'll happily pay.
This right here sums it up for me but I feel like most expect it now. I feel like I can't get my guard down or I'll be stung again.

I’d hate to eat out with you. I always split the bill with friends. Everyone I go out with is happy to split the bill, and I eat out with friends a lot. If I ate 3 courses (never do) and they had 1 I’d obviously offer to pay more or pay for own items, and if we eat out in a group and some people are drinking and others not then those drinking alcohol pay more. But more often than not, we go 50/50. I lent a friend 12k last year, for her to buy a camper van a year earlier, as her pension was due and she wanted to travel around. She paid me back, with interest. I’d only borrow money to friends I know will pay me back but generally I don’t loan money to friends but would if asked to good friends

YANBU OP!
Also I don't understand people who are like 'it all evens out'. In my observations most people's eating and drinking patterns don't vary wildly. I don't eat much at a single meal (because I do small meals throughout the day) and have one drink at most - water otherwise.

Most people have at least a main and starter/dessert, one or two drinks.

Why should we split the bill?

I don't mind if what we've ordered is broadly the same but otherwise, no. It will never even out for me. Why would I suddenly change my habits and start bingeing?

With close friends one person pays and I pay them back (I round it up). But no way with strangers. Sometimes I go out with friends of friends and I always make it clear. If they have a problem they can choose not to see me again. So far, nobody has chosen to forsake my delightful company :)

We split the bill when out, take turns having our group of friends over for meals, buy each other nice things if we see something one of us would like so I’d say we’re all generous. It’s easy though as we’re all financially comfortable and responsible and were a close group.

I did lose a ‘friend’ years ago who took the piss borrowing money from me.

I’d hate to eat out with you. I always split the bill with friends. Everyone I go out with is happy to split the bill, and I eat out with friends a lot. If I ate 3 courses (never do) and they had 1 I’d obviously offer to pay more or pay for own items, and if we eat out in a group and some people are drinking and others not then those drinking alcohol pay more.

So you would do what OP does - people paying for what they eat and drink.

So no different to the OP!

Why do so many posters think you can't be a generous person but still not want to split bills. The two things aren't mutually exclusive.

As others have said, I match the generosity level of the friend. Only then does resentment not kick in.

I couldn't be as regimented or as miserly as the OP, though (sorry). It just seems a bit joyless to me. I can understand you've been burnt before and want to protect yourself, but there is definite Scrooge undertones here!

My two closest friends get a birthday or Christmas present, sometimes both.

Also, why would it annoy posters if someone in their group only wanted to pay for their own food and drinks. It's no bother to them and doesn't effect what they are doing.

Honestly if people want to give me a wide berth because I won't buy their food and drink, that's quite ok with me!

I think some people are magnet for chancers, and that makes you more cautious.
I certainly was.
I've been told that I have a nice listening face and I can be quite patient. Being ND myself I always feel sorry for people who don't have many friends so I tried to give them a chance.
It also didn't help that I earned a lot for my age! Of course I didn't go around telling people my salary but people assumed from my profession and they wer correct.

These days I'm very selective and so can loosen up a bit

@FunGamesStuff exactly.

I'm too old to bother with other people's entitlement these days. If they want to select themselves out of my friendship group find with me. Life's too short to put up with people on different wavelengths.

MyOtherCarisAFerrari
I think you get to know your friends.

One of my friends will often have one course and a couple of glasses of wine. I don't drink alcohol but like to have a starter or a side dish. Over time it probably all comes out in the wash.

Same with siblings. Some days we might have DC with us, some are adult only, sometimes one of us will have a savory snack because we're meeting on their lunch break, others we both have tea and cake. It comes out in the wash.

Other friends,like you mentioned, have very different eating and drinking habits so if probably pay for our own with those friends. They're not CF though so never suggest splitting the bill

I pay for what I have. The bill can then be split by the others if they want to split the bill. I don’t drink alcohol and this adds a big cost to the bill if drinks are ordered. In cafes I pay for myself.

I would hate the faff of trying to split a bill based on exactly what everyone ordered, or each person going up to buy their drink in a bar instead of doing rounds.

Yes, I may technically lose out as I’m not a big eater or drinker, but surely that’s the price of socialising with friends? Not everything in life is about scoring on the spreadsheet.

I have a close circle of friends. There are 6 of us.
gay couple, lesbian couple, and another couple in me and my partner.

If we meet for dinner we bill split, as we all consume pretty much the same and I dont really care about the cost difference between a coke and a g&t.

If we meet up not as a 6, eg if I meet my best mate to go to the cinema then one of us will get tickets and the other will get snacks. If we go for coffee then one of us will get the bill and the other next time etc etc.

We're laid back about it but its long standing close friendships and nobody has ever taken the piss.

I would lend any of them money and them me, but we're all working or financially independent so the only loans have been things like if someone leaves their wallet at home or if something is cash only and they only have card. All paid back by PayPal FF same day so a total non issue.

No, we never get out a calculator and work out who owes what. 9/10 we split the bill, if we have drinkers pay more they pay £10 more each for example. If anyone had any objection they could pay for what they had, but we never have anyone want to just pay exact amount. As I say far easier to split the bill

I used to be the friend who would always offer to buy our coffees - never got it back but didn’t mind. I also treated us to takeaways and they never offered to pay (which again fine). Went out for lunch the other week and they paid for it - I treated us a coffee after. I was then sent the bill later that night lol not sans drinks I’d bought either! I’m happy to go half’s of course but I think after that I’m going to be just as miserly and ask for my half and not bother treating as it’s not a two way street. My friend is lovely and I’m sure they have no idea that it rubbed me wrong mind so I say this with only the most love for her

So if all your friends regularly had 3 courses and you just had the 1 course, you would be happy to keep splitting the bill?

You’re going to keep treating someone who asked for your half?

I think you’re so bent on not being miserly that you’ve become a mug.

i am very generous and my friends all seem to have a similar outlook, if we argue over who is going to pay it’s because one of us is insisting I’ll get these it’s my turn. If we were to go out for a bigger meal/drinks then the bill would be split down the middle with most friends, but have some good old friends who we will pay for then they pick up the next one. In terms of lending money, then yes absolutely, I have a small circle of good friends who would only ask if they really needed it and would always pay me back. Many years ago I used to have a real penny pinching friend, she was incredibly tight, as was her husband (they wouldn’t even buy each other a drink in the pub let alone anyone else), It was miserable and embarrassing going to eat out with her, at the end of the night the calculator would come out, she’d pay to the penny for what she had (which was usually only £1 or £2 difference to others on the table) and would then refuse to leave a tip. I always leave 10-20% so would end up adding extra on to cover her as well. We didn’t socialise together for very long her behaviour was just mortifying to me and no she wasn’t skint just incredibly tight, she was always happy for someone else to pay though! I lent her my horse box once (hers was in for repair and she had an event booked), it’s not an uncommon thing for horsey friends to do but it’s kind of the unwritten rule that you return in the state you got it in and if you collected it with half a tank then you would top it up to more than cover what you had used. She returned mine having worked out the average mpg and put that exact figure into it, something like £19.06 any normal person would of shoved £20 in the tank, of course she had calculated it wrong based no doubt on motorway miles rather than country lanes and steep hills, so even my favour to her cost me money, with anyone else I wouldn’t of cared less but the fact that she took me through her sums to work out how much she had used as if to highlight her good deed really grated on me.