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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws and my new sister-in-law

395 replies

RozDoylessister · 30/07/2023 22:34

My in-laws are late 70s 80s old enough to be my parents’ parents. They are bloody lovely!

They are Catholic and are not English, kind, generous and very family oriented.

When my brother and sister-in-law announced that kids weren’t invited to their wedding I knew my parents weren’t going to be impressed but I was dreading my in-laws finding out as they would be so upset. In the end my kids were invited.

Anyway didn’t my in-laws (along with husband’s niece who is 10) turn up at the church for my brother’s wedding yesterday. They absolutely wouldn’t have thought that they were doing anything wrong. They would very genuinely have thought that they were showing respect to my family. My Father-in-law handed over a card to my brother with £50
My sister-in-law was just not impressed. She was thunderous. She came snarling at me asking what they thought they were doing. I had no idea that’s what they planned.

When we went down for breakfast today sister-in-law’s mother asked if they had been trying to wangle an invitation.

Husband is mortified. What would you say to Sister-in-law? DH thinks there’s going to be a rift. Went back to my parents’ this afternoon and they were laughing but my mum said sister-in-law’s family was going on about my in-laws.
Mum has just phoned and said brother has mentioned it as well and sister-in-law is still annoyed.
My in-laws meant nothing by it. Niece behaved impeccably and they all left immediately bride and groom got in car.

OP posts:
Epidote · 31/07/2023 08:59

Anyway what is the fuss about? How they dare to pop into a public ceremony and gave us 50 quid? And bring a niece when I' ve clearly said child free?

How they dare!

OP brother and SIL doesn't know how churches work and it is their own ignorance about the matter what is speaking very loud and saying more of the kind of people they are other that the in laws doing anything wrong. Because they didn't.

Don't want the risk to get un invited people? Do a private ceremony in a private rented venue or got rich and get your own chapel and marry at 3 a m so only the priest, God and two witnesses can witness the blessing.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 31/07/2023 09:00

I think it's quite normal. I've been to a few weddings just for the service (DMs godchildren, schoolfriends, neighbours' children). Or I've walked to the church to see them go in/come out.

Sometimes for friends from hobbies or colleagues I've been invited to the evening do and have gone to the church, waved them off, gone home for dinner and re-joined them later. Sometimes that's better than going to the whole thing!

They even took a gift, which was lovely of them.

SertralineAndTherapy · 31/07/2023 09:00

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:55

I know. I never said otherwise.

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When asked whether anyone can attend a church wedding, you wrote, "Muslims cannot for example."

That sounds to me like "all Muslims." You can see why people are getting annoyed about that if that isn't what you meant!

JenniferBarkley · 31/07/2023 09:00

RampantIvy · 31/07/2023 08:55

Does anyone have an image of @JenWillsiam sitting there with her fingers in her ears singing la la la?

More like a pot with a large spoon.

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 09:01

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:56

So without being funny if the SIL is not catholic who cares what Irish catholic customs are?!

Ive been to numerous church weddings, as I’ve now said multiple times - parishioners fine. But that isn’t what happened here.

Show quote history

Do you not respect any customs that aren't your own? The SIL should be able to understand that the in-laws didn't mean this rudely. Surely you can see where the in-laws are coming from? They didn't know the wedding was child-free and they didn't know they wouldn't be welcome to follow the tradition and custom of the church the SIL had chosen to marry in.

Anyone marrying in a church needs to understand that it will be a religious ceremony and that anyone can attend and also bring children if they want. And that in some church communities, this will actually be expected and be the norm of that particular community. Anyone who doesn't like it should do as you did and not marry in a church.

Bonbon21 · 31/07/2023 09:01

If they wanted a private ceremony they should have chosen a private/different location.
They are all being very childish and ungrateful, no to mention RUDE!!
Your lovely in-laws attend a PUBLIC event with respect, joy and generousity. Then they left. They didnt intrude, they didnt expect anything and they brought a very kind gift and card.
Whats not to like!!
They sound lovely... much nicer than the wedding party in fact!!!

The reason church wedding are open to the public... this goes back centuries...

“If any person here present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, they should declare it now.”

CatNoBag · 31/07/2023 09:04

I'm Welsh an every single wedding I've been to in Wales has a crowd of people from the village outside who've come to have a look and wish the bride and groom well. I think it's lovely and shows everyone is part of a community and that people who aren't close friends and family still want to wish them well. And they don't even bring a card, let alone one with £50 inside!

Superfood · 31/07/2023 09:04

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:43

Doubt it all you want. But you would be wrong.

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Wow. I'm Jewish and have never been barred from a church service. Guess those people (including my ex FIL, who was a vicar) didn't understand the special made up racist rules you just invented.

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 09:05

The Muslim thing feels like a really weird tangent! What was the relevance??

Caffeineislife · 31/07/2023 09:05

They didn't do anything wrong and we're following tradition. How lovely of them to go. As long as they sat near the back and didn't object to anyone getting married there is no issue. Anyone can go to a church wedding. If they wanted strict wedding guests only then they should have done their research and got a hotel/ country house wedding venue.

I got married in the small village church where my grandparents live and half the village attended the wedding. Weddings are rare in the village and I was the first one for 5 years and when the banns were read the whole church community was so excited. One of the old ladies offered to decorate the church for £50 to buy flowers. Another old lady asked what hymns i had chosen so the choir could practice. Everyone who wasn't part of the wedding party sat or stood at the back or in the choir stalls. It was lovely and I would never dream of being upset with them as anyone can attend a wedding in a church.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 09:06

RampantIvy · 31/07/2023 08:58

It’s predictable to me that people cannot see why for some the idea of people just turning up with a child in town might upset the couple getting married. Parishioners I would expect possibly. Some distant relatives by marriage. No.

Because most of us wouldn't be insulted or upset by this. It must be exhausting to be so easily offended all the time @JenWillsiam

Nice narrow viewpoint there.

diddl · 31/07/2023 09:06

If there will be a rift-how would that affect anyone?

Do you mean between your Ils & your brother & SIL?

Or that your parents will find it difficult as they often invite your ILs to things?

Katey83 · 31/07/2023 09:08

Your Sil sounds like a massive drama queen. I think a firm ‘they meant no harm, it’s a sign of respect in their culture and a church ceremony is open to all’ needs to be your final word on it. Don’t feed her, this is such a non issue and if this is all she can focus on after her wedding day she needs to get a life! I got married (very very small
wedding) last month and loads of DH friends from his teenage years who happened to be visiting the area for another reason gatecrashed the evening party - i thought it was lovely and we all had a great time. Take things in the spirit they are meant or you will end up miserable!

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 09:09

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 09:06

Nice narrow viewpoint there.

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But how narrow is your viewpoint if you can't understand that choosing to marry in a church means accepting the customs of that church and that you can't do it your way? They can't change the way they do weddings; it's up to the couple to understand the conditions that go along with a religious ceremony.

If someone gatecrashes a private wedding, I totally understand the upset. But you'd have to be incredibly blinkered not to understand that a church wedding isn't private.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 31/07/2023 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

But it’s the OP’s in-laws who have become part of a different culture here, not vice versa. If anyone needs to understand the cultural angle, it’s them.

CwmYoy · 31/07/2023 09:12

SiL sounds awful. It will only get worse. Poor BiL.

Iwasafool · 31/07/2023 09:12

Feel sorry for the bride that she has nothing better to think of on her wedding day. A happy bride wouldn't even notice a few extra people in church.

Dulra · 31/07/2023 09:13

Your poor brother! Your sil got married and all she can bang on about is two people that sat at the church, gave them a gift and wished them well and then went on their merry way, didn't intrude, didn't try and wrangle an invite to the reception. Surely your sil was more focused on getting married and her wedding day to let this upset her?
I am also guessing they are Irish, very normal, happens all the time. When I got married in the Parish I grew up in neighbours, friends parents, local busy bodies all came to wish me well and sit at the back of the church for the service. Genuinely confused why anyone would be annoyed by this?
Also my brother did actually invite my in laws to his wedding which was lovely and they really enjoyed it. I invited my sisters in laws to mine, it was an Irish catholic wedding and they were even Hindu! shock horror

LadyLapsang · 31/07/2023 09:14

Totally normal to go to see the bride or to attend the Church service if you have a connection. I remember a custom in Scotland where they used to throw money out of the cars for local children who had gathered to see the newly married couple.

As long as they were not dressed up to the extent it looked like they were fishing for an invitation to the wedding breakfast, I would think they were very kind and family orientated.

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 09:14

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 31/07/2023 09:10

But it’s the OP’s in-laws who have become part of a different culture here, not vice versa. If anyone needs to understand the cultural angle, it’s them.

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No, the church has cultural expectations - anyone welcome at the wedding is one of them. The couple marrying in church need to understand the cultural expectations of the church. We're talking about religious expectations here. I know the in-laws are also not English, but the relevant issue here is that English (and other) churches have this tradition and it's the SIL who should have adjusted to that if she wanted a church wedding.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 31/07/2023 09:15

Codlingmoths · 31/07/2023 03:33

It isnt some ancient law - it is the basic very current fact that anyone can attend a church wedding, and it is very common for people to attend to wish the couple well. Our wedding had lots of these. Your sil needs a huge dose of get over it, I would call your brother and say I can’t believe you had no idea this is a thing, it’s not trying to wangle an invite, it’s really small minded of either of you to even think of that, and it is not my or my in laws fault you have no clue about some very common customs. You should have got married in a locked private home to keep out all those nasty people who have only ever been kind and hospitable to you. You two need to accept YOU made an honest if dim witted and rather unkind mistake, stop holding others accountable for it, stop focusing on things you were unhappy about wiht your wedding day, and get over it and enjoy being married.

Yeah, and punch them both in the face afterwards. And maybe pour boiling water over their reproductive organs. Only language these people understand.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 09:15

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 09:09

But how narrow is your viewpoint if you can't understand that choosing to marry in a church means accepting the customs of that church and that you can't do it your way? They can't change the way they do weddings; it's up to the couple to understand the conditions that go along with a religious ceremony.

If someone gatecrashes a private wedding, I totally understand the upset. But you'd have to be incredibly blinkered not to understand that a church wedding isn't private.

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I can understand it but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t bother me. And would if I believed in god prevent me from marrying in a church. It’s nothing to do with being easily

Dulra · 31/07/2023 09:16

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 31/07/2023 09:10

But it’s the OP’s in-laws who have become part of a different culture here, not vice versa. If anyone needs to understand the cultural angle, it’s them.

Show quote history

She got married in a Christian church that is the culture she needs to get used to as others have pointed out if this was part of the church culture that she didn't like she should have rented a private venue for the service

BurntWindowcleaner · 31/07/2023 09:16

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 31/07/2023 09:10

But it’s the OP’s in-laws who have become part of a different culture here, not vice versa. If anyone needs to understand the cultural angle, it’s them.

Show quote history

But several UK posters have said it’s common where they live for neighbours etc to go to church weddings to see the bride.

diddl · 31/07/2023 09:17

Perhaps they should just have gone to the church but not handed the card over as well?

Is that what SIL & her mum were pissed off about?

That they made themselves known?

Or that they are assuming more of a relationship than there is?