Page 10 | In-laws and my new sister-in-law

RozDoylessister · 2023-07-30T21:34:24+00:00

My in-laws are late 70s 80s old enough to be my parents’ parents. They are bloody lovely! They are Catholic and are not English, kind, generous and very family oriented. When my brother and sister-in-law announced that kids weren’t invited to their wedding I knew my parents weren’t going to be impressed but I was dreading my in-laws finding out as they would be so upset. In the end my kids were invited. Anyway didn’t my in-laws (along with husband’s niece who is 10) turn up at the church for my brother’s wedding yesterday. They absolutely wouldn’t have thought that they were doing anything wrong. They would very genuinely have thought that they were showing respect to my family. My Father-in-law handed over a card to my brother with £50 My sister-in-law was just not impressed. She was thunderous. She came snarling at me asking what they thought they were doing. I had no idea that’s what they planned. When we went down for breakfast today sister-in-law’s mother asked if they had been trying to wangle an invitation. Husband is mortified. What would you say to Sister-in-law? DH thinks there’s going to be a rift. Went back to my parents’ this afternoon and they were laughing but my mum said sister-in-law’s family was going on about my in-laws. Mum has just phoned and said brother has mentioned it as well and sister-in-law is still annoyed. My in-laws meant nothing by it. Niece behaved impeccably and they all left immediately bride and groom got in car.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 31/07/2023 09:18

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 31/07/2023 09:10

But it’s the OP’s in-laws who have become part of a different culture here, not vice versa. If anyone needs to understand the cultural angle, it’s them.

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It’s the people who have married in a church that don’t understand the culture

The in laws have done absolutely nothing wrong, or even unusual.

Moveoverdarlin · 31/07/2023 09:19

Lots of people go to the church bit of a wedding and not the rest, regardless of an invite. I had a huge wedding, but some of my Mums friends who she worked with years ago came to the church, wished us all the best and left after the service. I remember doing the same as a little girl. You don’t sit at the front, you tend to sit at the back to watch the service. You don’t wear wedding guest attire. Your SIL sounds ignorant and has no etiquette when it comes church weddings. I’d be furious with her for being furious. Like I said, she just doesn’t understand.

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 09:20

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 09:15

I can understand it but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t bother me. And would if I believed in god prevent me from marrying in a church. It’s nothing to do with being easily

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Sure, I can see you might not like the idea that anyone can attend and if that outweighs the desire to marry in a church then that's your decision. But it's just part and parcel of a church service; no one can change it (unless you have a Royal wedding!) Anyone choosing to marry in a church doesn't have the right to get upset about it being a church service; you can't pick and choose.

stayathomer · 31/07/2023 09:20

Of course they wouldn’t have thought they were doing anything wrong- they weren’t!!! Am Irish and catholic and the church is open to anyone to come and see your wedding. Your sil is batshit and a bridezilla!!!

Wishimaywishimight · 31/07/2023 09:21

"using some ancient law to gatecrash" - what on earth does this mean?

Honestly, what a fuss over nothing. It's not like they turned up at the hotel demanding dinner!!

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 09:21

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 09:20

Sure, I can see you might not like the idea that anyone can attend and if that outweighs the desire to marry in a church then that's your decision. But it's just part and parcel of a church service; no one can change it (unless you have a Royal wedding!) Anyone choosing to marry in a church doesn't have the right to get upset about it being a church service; you can't pick and choose.

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And the approaching them and giving a card? That normal practice as well? It’s intrusive and awkward.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 09:22

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 09:20

Sure, I can see you might not like the idea that anyone can attend and if that outweighs the desire to marry in a church then that's your decision. But it's just part and parcel of a church service; no one can change it (unless you have a Royal wedding!) Anyone choosing to marry in a church doesn't have the right to get upset about it being a church service; you can't pick and choose.

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And regardless it’s more than just being easily offended as one snidey poster assumed.

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 09:22

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 31/07/2023 09:15

Yeah, and punch them both in the face afterwards. And maybe pour boiling water over their reproductive organs. Only language these people understand.

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What??

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 31/07/2023 09:23

Technically there’s no such thing as a private wedding.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 09:25

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 31/07/2023 09:23

Technically there’s no such thing as a private wedding.

Er yes there is 😂😂

Dulra · 31/07/2023 09:25

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 09:21

And the approaching them and giving a card? That normal practice as well? It’s intrusive and awkward.

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Give over it is the grooms sisters in laws hardly strangers they are also grandparents to the grooms nieces and nephews. I have a great relationship with my siblings in laws, we see them as part of the wider family now, you always meet at family occasions such as birthdays and christenings. The sil and her mother are being unreasonable in this situation and I feel sorry for the groom

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 09:25

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 09:21

And the approaching them and giving a card? That normal practice as well? It’s intrusive and awkward.

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I don't know how giving someone a card is awkward and intrusive. People go up to the bride and groom to congratulate them when they come out of church, don't they? A little girl I'd never met before ran up to me and said I looked like a princess when I came out the door, would that upset you too? I thought it was lovely.

eggandonion · 31/07/2023 09:25

My ds got married in an Irish Catholic Chapel near my husband's workplace. The congregation included Hindus,Muslims,two gay couples, and assorted Northern Ireland protestants. Plus about 100 Irish Catholic relations.
My husband sent an email to everyone in his department letting them know the time of the ceremony and a few dropped in for a gawk. Plus a team of Irish dancers who were passing did an impromptu display outside.
Our local hotel has a deck which overlooks the local church. It is very fabulous on a nice sunny afternoon to have a coffee and observe weddings opposite.

Iwasafool · 31/07/2023 09:26

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 09:21

And the approaching them and giving a card? That normal practice as well? It’s intrusive and awkward.

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It happens with all sorts of services in a Catholic church, I remember my First Holy Communion and lots of people we knew from church (or my dad knew from the pub) were outside and gave me money. Same with a Baptism, tradition in my day was people would turn up and put silver in the baby's hand so they'd never know want.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 31/07/2023 09:26

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 09:22

What??

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I’m trying to point out that that poster’s suggestion that OP phones her brother and rants at him about how he and his new wife are small-minded, unkind, dim witted etc. might just be the tiniest bit over the top.

Hercisback · 31/07/2023 09:26

And the approaching them and giving a card? That normal practice as well? It’s intrusive and awkward.

Nope, perfectly culturally normal in the church.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 09:28

Dulra · 31/07/2023 09:25

Give over it is the grooms sisters in laws hardly strangers they are also grandparents to the grooms nieces and nephews. I have a great relationship with my siblings in laws, we see them as part of the wider family now, you always meet at family occasions such as birthdays and christenings. The sil and her mother are being unreasonable in this situation and I feel sorry for the groom

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So pick a side.

They’re either there because they’re entitled to be there, church wedding public blah blah.

Or they’re there as family members. Uninvited family members. Who crossed a line.

Just because you get on with your in laws doesn’t mean all do.

countrygirl99 · 31/07/2023 09:28

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 31/07/2023 09:10

But it’s the OP’s in-laws who have become part of a different culture here, not vice versa. If anyone needs to understand the cultural angle, it’s them.

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But it is normal in any church including CofE, Methodist, Baptist whatever else. The problem is people have become so detached from religion and the normal practices in places of worship that they think they can dictact events.

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 09:28

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 31/07/2023 09:26

I’m trying to point out that that poster’s suggestion that OP phones her brother and rants at him about how he and his new wife are small-minded, unkind, dim witted etc. might just be the tiniest bit over the top.

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Explaining the misunderstanding is a bit of a way from punching them in the face! And they have been pretty dim-witted. I'm sure the OP will try to handle it tactfully but they are completely in the wrong.

Hankunamatata · 31/07/2023 09:28

Really common where we live for locals to come to the church and witness the wedding and wish bride and groom luck

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 31/07/2023 09:28

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 09:25

Er yes there is 😂😂

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No there isn’t.

No Uk wedding can prevent anyone who wishes to object from entering. It’s part of the law

Its easier to avoid, or deal with discreetly, at a hotel or registry office, but that’s why banns are put up - so people can turn up.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 09:29

Hercisback · 31/07/2023 09:26

And the approaching them and giving a card? That normal practice as well? It’s intrusive and awkward.

Nope, perfectly culturally normal in the church.

I have NEVER seen that ever. People just randomly walking up to people at a wedding and handing over cards. What’s the bride supposed to do with the flipping thing? Sorry but you’re making stuff up as you go along.

101jobs · 31/07/2023 09:29

Your in-laws sound so lovely. What a kind, generous and respectful gesture they made.

Your SIL however sounds horrid and precious.

I hope she returned the money to your in-laws as she was so insulted by them!

OP, you sound lovely too, as you seem to appreciate your in-laws for the lovely people they are.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 31/07/2023 09:30

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 09:29

I have NEVER seen that ever. People just randomly walking up to people at a wedding and handing over cards. What’s the bride supposed to do with the flipping thing? Sorry but you’re making stuff up as you go along.

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So everyone else that’s saying it’s a common thing is wrong and you’re right because you haven’t… ego much 😂

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 09:30

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 09:28

So pick a side.

They’re either there because they’re entitled to be there, church wedding public blah blah.

Or they’re there as family members. Uninvited family members. Who crossed a line.

Just because you get on with your in laws doesn’t mean all do.

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The OP has said there is a friendly relationship. There is no such thing as univited guests at a church wedding. Anyone can show up: people you know (even if you don't want them there, and the OP's in-laws clearly didn't know they weren't welcome!), vague acquaintances, total strangers - anyone at all.