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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws and my new sister-in-law

395 replies

RozDoylessister · 30/07/2023 22:34

My in-laws are late 70s 80s old enough to be my parents’ parents. They are bloody lovely!

They are Catholic and are not English, kind, generous and very family oriented.

When my brother and sister-in-law announced that kids weren’t invited to their wedding I knew my parents weren’t going to be impressed but I was dreading my in-laws finding out as they would be so upset. In the end my kids were invited.

Anyway didn’t my in-laws (along with husband’s niece who is 10) turn up at the church for my brother’s wedding yesterday. They absolutely wouldn’t have thought that they were doing anything wrong. They would very genuinely have thought that they were showing respect to my family. My Father-in-law handed over a card to my brother with £50
My sister-in-law was just not impressed. She was thunderous. She came snarling at me asking what they thought they were doing. I had no idea that’s what they planned.

When we went down for breakfast today sister-in-law’s mother asked if they had been trying to wangle an invitation.

Husband is mortified. What would you say to Sister-in-law? DH thinks there’s going to be a rift. Went back to my parents’ this afternoon and they were laughing but my mum said sister-in-law’s family was going on about my in-laws.
Mum has just phoned and said brother has mentioned it as well and sister-in-law is still annoyed.
My in-laws meant nothing by it. Niece behaved impeccably and they all left immediately bride and groom got in car.

OP posts:
SpinMeRightRoundBabyRightRound · 31/07/2023 08:07

Your in laws sound lovely but your brother and new SIL sounds like a chore!

It’s perfectly normal for well wishers to turn up to the church and very generous of them to give a gift. Honestly, what an overreaction…

Toddlerteaplease · 31/07/2023 08:08

It's nice to hear an OP that loves her In-laws!

RampantIvy · 31/07/2023 08:09

Toddlerteaplease · 31/07/2023 08:08

It's nice to hear an OP that loves her In-laws!

It is. My late MIL was lovely. She was like a mother to me after my mum died over 30 years ago.

WhistPie · 31/07/2023 08:18

We regularly went to our church on a Saturday to see weddings of people we knew by sight, or didn't know, in the 60s - we knew they were on as they'd been announced in the church the Sunday before when the church's diary for the week was read out!

Twyford · 31/07/2023 08:20

RozDoylessister · 30/07/2023 23:17

I do know that the families of three of DH’s siblings-in-law have invited my in-laws to their weddings. Secretly. I didn’t even tell DH that I was embarrassed that such a thing wouldn’t have crossed my brother’s mind in spite of him knowing them and receiving hospitality from them.

To be fair, it would never have crossed my mind to invite my siblings' in-laws to my wedding. I too have met them and received and given hospitality to them, but it's purely on a duty basis and I still don't feel I really know them or that they are a part of my family.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:22

poppettypop · 31/07/2023 02:04

Can I please ask why?

They didn't turn up as guests they turned up to support the happy couple.

It really is a pretty normal thing to do.

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You had people you didn’t invite turn up at your wedding?

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:23

Saoirse82 · 31/07/2023 06:02

Then don't get married in a church. You don't get to pick and choose who comes into a public service.

The ILs thought they were doing something lovely by dropping in and giving their best wishes which in normal and traditional in Ireland.

You sound as insufferable and ungrateful as the Bride.

Show quote history

I didn’t get married in a church. Because I don’t believe in god. But that doesn’t alter my position that turning up at a wedding when you aren’t invited is far from the norm.

WhistPie · 31/07/2023 08:23

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:22

You had people you didn’t invite turn up at your wedding?

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You do not seem to understand what a church wedding is.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:24

Get over myself for not wanting random people turning up at my wedding with kids? Hardly 😂

WhistPie · 31/07/2023 08:25

Or, indeed, to be capable of reading and understanding all the previous posts that have explained it to you

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 08:31

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:23

I didn’t get married in a church. Because I don’t believe in god. But that doesn’t alter my position that turning up at a wedding when you aren’t invited is far from the norm.

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It's the norm in some communities. In fact, there are people who would think it would be rude for them NOT to show up at the church. If you're not a church-goer and didn't have your wedding in a church then I can see this sounds weird to you but lots of traditions or customs do seem weird to others outside of it. For the SIL to choose to marry in a church but then complain about the norms of a church wedding marks her out as very ignorant. It's something people need to understand if they choose that venue.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:33

WhistPie · 31/07/2023 08:23

You do not seem to understand what a church wedding is.

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I’m aware that it’s a public event and that parishioners have the right to rock up. But that doesn’t mean anyone can. And it certainly doesn’t mean should.

JenniferBarkley · 31/07/2023 08:35

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:33

I’m aware that it’s a public event and that parishioners have the right to rock up. But that doesn’t mean anyone can. And it certainly doesn’t mean should.

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That's exactly what it means.

BurntWindowcleaner · 31/07/2023 08:35

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:33

I’m aware that it’s a public event and that parishioners have the right to rock up. But that doesn’t mean anyone can. And it certainly doesn’t mean should.

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So they can, as it’s an event in a public building, often do, as it’s a longtime custom, but you feel they shouldn’t? Why not?

RampantIvy · 31/07/2023 08:36

You had people you didn’t invite turn up at your wedding

Yes I did, and I was very flattered.

But that doesn’t mean anyone can

Sorry, but it does.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:37

JenniferBarkley · 31/07/2023 08:35

That's exactly what it means.

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No it doesn’t. Muslims cannot for example.

And for those who can it doesn’t mean should.

JudgeJ · 31/07/2023 08:38

grumpycow1 · 30/07/2023 22:56

Your SIL sounds awful. Pay no mind, if they get married in a church that’s what they should expect!

Tell them if they were regular church attendees and not just those who use it for the pretty pictures they would have known that anyone could watch a wedding. Are they returning the generous gift as a mark of their disapproval?

JenniferBarkley · 31/07/2023 08:40

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:37

No it doesn’t. Muslims cannot for example.

And for those who can it doesn’t mean should.

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Is there really a rule that Muslims can't go in a Christian church? I'm not a religious person but I highly doubt that.

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 08:40

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:33

I’m aware that it’s a public event and that parishioners have the right to rock up. But that doesn’t mean anyone can. And it certainly doesn’t mean should.

Show quote history

But clearly you understand that the expectations of a church wedding are different to a civil service because you chose not to have one due to not believing in God. So you do get the difference. Why not this one? It's part of the church community culture for some people. You insisting it's not acceptable is as tone-deaf as if you were claiming there shouldn't be prayers or hymns in the service. Well-wishers showing up is as much a part of it as those are - go to Ireland some day and see! I do get that it's strange if you've never understood that community but it's the case, and for the bride to insert herself in and expect to take only what she wants is absurd.

Takoneko · 31/07/2023 08:41

This was totally normal where I grew up and I am not Irish. I’m only in my 30s and grew up on the outskirts of London. At the local Church of England parish church it was the done thing for extra well wishers to come for wedding ceremonies. Usually neighbours, in laws, friends of the family who didn’t have invites. At the last wedding I attended there there were loads of them. Some older neighbours of the bride’s parents, a close friend of the bride’s sister, some people who knew the groom’s grandparents through church. Everyone thought it was lovely, the bride and groom thanked them for taking time out of their day to come and wish them well.
Some had grandkids with them who wanted to see the pretty dress. I remember being taken along in the same way as a child. We’d only stay for the ceremony and sometimes just stay in the churchyard until the bride arrived if the church was packed.
I think your SIL is being weird.

diddl · 31/07/2023 08:42

Your husband needs to stop being mortified & be proud of having such thoughtful & generous parents.

Your mum needs to tell your brother to stop being such an idiot & perhaps he should give the money back as he is so pissed off at people going into a church to watch a wedding.

What an embarrassment!

aSofaNearYou · 31/07/2023 08:42

Tbh I can totally see why they were annoyed and confused. I've never encountered people thinking this was the done thing. But I do think they should understand and accept it once you've explained this was a cultural difference and they meant well.

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 08:42

And honestly, @JenWillsiam you think 'they can but shouldn't' - for a Catholic couple in their 70s they absolutely think they SHOULD - for them, it would be rude and insulting NOT to turn up. It's a clash of cultural expectations.

JaniceBattersby · 31/07/2023 08:42

When I got married in the Catholic Church that I’d gone to throughout my childhood, before I moved away for uni, there were probably 50-ish uninvited old ladies at the back of church (big church - 600 capacity!) It was so lovely to think they cared enough to come and watch me get married. Lots brought cards and horseshoes and confetti and I’ve still got all the mementoes. They were in the background of my life, so I thought it was nice they were in the background of my wedding.

Your SIL sounds miserable as sin. I’d refuse to entertain her.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:43

JenniferBarkley · 31/07/2023 08:40

Is there really a rule that Muslims can't go in a Christian church? I'm not a religious person but I highly doubt that.

Show quote history

Doubt it all you want. But you would be wrong.

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