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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner’s family booked a holiday without me

314 replies

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 22:32

Hi, looking for opinions on this situation:

I’m from another country, my partner is from England. We used to live in London, but shortly before our children were born we moved out of London so we could buy a house. We settled near to his family; after our children were born the relationship between me and my partner’s family deteriorated. I found MIL very overbearing and after a few intense situations, I have limited contact with her. MIL and FIL see children weekly.

I used up all my holiday for visiting my home country with my partner and children and have no holiday left for this year, I work part time (3 days during the week and every Saturday).

My partner’s family ( his parents, sister and her partner) have booked a caravan holiday next weekend and my partner and children are expected to attend. There has been no mention of me attending (I’m working on Saturday and can’t book any time off).
My partner is more than capable of looking after the children. However I feel sad and don’t think it’s appropriate to book a holiday for my children(both under 5) without me being there…Am I over reacting or you think this is ok?

OP posts:
slashlover · 31/07/2023 07:57

Isthisrea · 31/07/2023 00:43

Wow, the amount of responses is overwhelming. I have been abroad to see my family with my partner, not without him.

Show quote history

If your partner decided that he didn't want to use most of his annual leave to visit your family would you then not visit them at all?

IamnotSethRogan · 31/07/2023 07:58

It's the summer holiday and you don't have any annual leave left. The children are going to get a little trip in the holidays to break it up. I don't think they should have waited until you were available, especially if lots of people were going, this may have been the only date that worked during the holidays. If your husband told his family that you had no leave left they didn't nothing wrong.

luckylavender · 31/07/2023 08:00

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 22:32

Hi, looking for opinions on this situation:

I’m from another country, my partner is from England. We used to live in London, but shortly before our children were born we moved out of London so we could buy a house. We settled near to his family; after our children were born the relationship between me and my partner’s family deteriorated. I found MIL very overbearing and after a few intense situations, I have limited contact with her. MIL and FIL see children weekly.

I used up all my holiday for visiting my home country with my partner and children and have no holiday left for this year, I work part time (3 days during the week and every Saturday).

My partner’s family ( his parents, sister and her partner) have booked a caravan holiday next weekend and my partner and children are expected to attend. There has been no mention of me attending (I’m working on Saturday and can’t book any time off).
My partner is more than capable of looking after the children. However I feel sad and don’t think it’s appropriate to book a holiday for my children(both under 5) without me being there…Am I over reacting or you think this is ok?

Win win

Sooze2023 · 31/07/2023 08:01

There's no love lost between you so just wish them all a lovely weekend and have yourself a home pamper day in peace.
Everyone's a happy bunny!

ActDottie · 31/07/2023 08:08

DinoRoar14 · 30/07/2023 22:38

But a parent will be there.
You can't go. And don't like them

This sounds like a win win

This, I don’t think you’d enjoy it if you went anyway

saraclara · 31/07/2023 08:12

Overthebow · 30/07/2023 22:52

You used your holiday visiting your family. Your DH may want to holiday with his.

That. It turns out that you're working, but that's not his fault.

pinkdelight · 31/07/2023 08:16

Real lack of empathy for OP here, probably from a bunch of people who live on the same street they were born in and are constantly "popping in and out" of each others houses and go full on tribal to "blow ins".

Huge assumption there. I'm literally on my own for a few days while my DH takes the kids to stay with the in-laws on holiday. I get on with them a bit better than OP with hers but we're not close and it works better this way. I'd also take DC to see my parents without DH and have done occasionally but he's very easy-going so it's less of an issue for him to spend holiday time that way. A holiday is supposed to be relaxing and fun so it sucks to have the tension of people not getting along even if they're civil about it, hence why my perspective - and many here - is that the current scenario is the best outcome for all. Which doesn't sound like people who stayed on the street they were born in at all. It's just being pragmatic.

CaptainMyCaptain · 31/07/2023 08:18

Ponoka7 · 30/07/2023 22:35

I think that it's fine for one parent to holiday with the children, or any other family member. I don't think that the children should miss out because of the working hours of the parents, it's selfish. You've had time with the children with your family, now it's your DH's turn.

I got the impression the OP wasn't even asked though. It would have been better manners to ask even if she had to say she couldn't come.

converseandjeans · 31/07/2023 08:20

OP honestly it’s unreasonable to expect your in laws to literally plan their holiday dates around you when you are limited contact with them.

Agree with this. You can't expect to be invited if you make it obvious you don't want to spend time with them.

Also it's not really a holiday but a weekend away.

Do you have any holiday left? One minute you are saying that you don't but then a bit later you say you have done extra hours and can take some days.

Just organise something in a few weeks time with DH & kids.

Twyford · 31/07/2023 08:24

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 22:59

I expect to be invited, as I think it’s rude to not be asked.

But if they knew you wouldn't be able to come, it's not rude.

Twyford · 31/07/2023 08:27

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 23:11

I think that if we got on, there would have been an attempt to organise the holiday when everyone has availability.
I have been talking extra hours at work and have built up “ additional holiday”, but I need more than a week’s notice to book time off.
Thanks for your comment, it has given me food for thought.

Show quote history

It's July. By the time you've build up enough entitlement and have given notice the summer will be well and truly over, and a caravan holiday just won't work. Just be grateful that your children are being given an extra treat and you have some nice child-free relaxation time.

Calmdown14 · 31/07/2023 08:27

With caravan holidays it's not usually a lot more (if any) to add extra people to the booking provided they are within the limit of capacity.

If the say sleeps 8 it means one double bed, a fold out double in the lounge (which may need to be walked through to access toilet) and two tiny bedrooms with very narrow single beds.

I love a static caravan but you wouldn't want to be in one with people you don't like!
It's easier to accommodate their son and a couple of kids than a whole extra family and it may well have been a 'we are booking this anyway, you fancy it l, up to you ' type message. Not huge organisation or planning behind your back.

LlynTegid · 31/07/2023 08:29

If you were approached first, then fine. Not otherwise.

readbooksdrinktea · 31/07/2023 08:31

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 22:59

I expect to be invited, as I think it’s rude to not be asked.

Why? You're low contact and don’t actually like them.

That's strange thinking.

Tapasgoofy · 31/07/2023 08:34

Isthisrea · 31/07/2023 06:45

Thanks for everyone’s input, I was shocked at the lack of understanding at the initial responses, but I’m relieved to see that some of the most recent posters understand my concerns and situation.

Living here has been very alienating, as it’s a small town and not very open to foreigners.
There are significant differences in world-views and values between my partner’s family and I. It’s neither party’s fault we don’t see eye to eye. We are polite, but very superficial in conversation. This is isolating in itself,but not being considered when booking holiday has taken it to another level.
When I say limited contact, I mean we wouldn’t call each other for coffee or a chat, we will see each other when the children are involved, but keep our distance.

As already mentioned I feel that my partner, kids and I are one unit and we go together. In my country you accept the partner as part of the family whether you like them or not. Regardless of differences, everyone’s partners are invited to gatherings, Christmas, birthday parties.
I feel like there’s a presumption from a lot of posters that as my MIL and I don’t gel, she is excused for not wanting me there… this sounds absurd.. would I be excused for hosting a family party without inviting her…No, because that would be very rude, we are family (not but choice) and have to put up with each other on occasions.

The most objective/ helpful point of view is that it wouldn’t be particularly pleasant to spend a weekend together in a caravan anyway, so let them have fun and enjoy my time alone.

Something that seemingly only a few posters understand is that when we go abroad to visit my home country we do so to mainly get my parents to spend time with the children, which my MIL and SIL get to do on a weekly basis.

In my country you accept the partner as part of the family whether you like them or not

You are not in your country though… We don’t have to be false here and invite people that don’t like us and who we don’t like to parties. Things can remain separate.

You are a family yes but that doesn’t mean you have to go to every event together.

You don’t even like them.

MichelleScarn · 31/07/2023 08:34

Duckingella · 31/07/2023 01:03

Yes it's abit rude but now you don't have to spend time with his family,you get a weekend off parenting and you get the house to yourself.

Stop worrying about your in-laws and enjoy star fishing the bed,a full nights sleep,a bath in peace,drinking a coffee whilst it's still hot,not having anyone following you to the toilet,blasting the radio,whatever you want on the TV,your favourite foods,a lie in,shopping with a friend etc

Have a bloody great weekend and look after you for a change.

@Duckingella That sounds AMAZING!!

KrisAkabusi · 31/07/2023 08:35

Wow, shocked and horrified by all these people saying YABU to expect an invite when you and ILs don't get on

It's not just that, it's also the fact that they know she doesn't have any holiday time left! Why invite somebody that you know can't attend, and yes, also doesn't want to go.?

BlastedIce · 31/07/2023 08:36

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MichelleScarn · 31/07/2023 08:39

slashlover · 31/07/2023 07:57

If your partner decided that he didn't want to use most of his annual leave to visit your family would you then not visit them at all?

Show quote history

Exactly. Wonder what the responses would be to poster who said, "my dp won't let me go and do things with family unless he's there too. His rule is we only do things as a full package or not at all.'

slashlover · 31/07/2023 08:42

Completely off topic, but what sort of job gives you more holiday for working overtime? I do loads of overtime and I get more money and am sometimes paid slightly more per hour for holiday time but I can't accrue holidays.

DiddyHeck · 31/07/2023 08:44

slore · 31/07/2023 03:42

YANBU. It's completely inappropriate and plain wrong for extended family to take pre-school children away on a holiday without their mother, without even consulting her or inviting her. No matter what the circumstances.

They should have asked via your husband if this was ok, or if you wanted to book your own caravan nearby, or whatever.

Good morning 1950s.

Did you miss the fact their perfectly capable father would be going with them?

Susuwatariandkodama · 31/07/2023 08:48

I think it’s very rude, you should always be given the option to decline and my dh would not go on holiday with his family and our children without me joining him, he’d politely decline but I also know neither my in laws or my parents would ever book a family holiday that excludes one of us.

VyeBrator · 31/07/2023 08:56

Susuwatariandkodama · 31/07/2023 08:48

I think it’s very rude, you should always be given the option to decline and my dh would not go on holiday with his family and our children without me joining him, he’d politely decline but I also know neither my in laws or my parents would ever book a family holiday that excludes one of us.

So your DH would be happy for the kids to miss out on a holiday with their grandparents because you don't like them, chose to go low contact with them and spent all your own holiday visiting your own parents?

Poor kids.

LIZS · 31/07/2023 08:58

It is rude not to at least ask about availability but maybe your dh recognised you might be happy to pass . Tbh you can't have it both ways and as long as he is capable of looking after dc well you could just take advantage of the break. Alternatively is joining them after work or for the day feasible?

Seaside3 · 31/07/2023 08:59

I'm genuinely shocked by the amount of people who think it's OK to not invite a partner on holiday.

Low contact to keep things civil doesn't mean "we hate each other and can never be in the same place". It is a hostile act from the in-laws who clearly didn't ask, or make any attempt to accommodate op. She only works a few days a week, I'm sure something could have been organised.

I'm grateful I'm not related to any of the people posting that the family are right to exclude her, what a spiteful way to live. I'd also hazard a guess that most posting that they wouldn't care actually would be hurt if they were in the ops shoes, and that they would judge harshly if op just didn't invite her mil to a family gathering.