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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

701 replies

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:30

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:30

GrinAndVomit · 30/07/2023 20:28

To bring the 12 year old, who doesn’t have permission to be out and is incredibly violent, home.

Show quote history

Why would he not have permission to go out?

At no point has he been violent, abusive or beaten anybody outside.

He saves that for home.

OP posts:
Twyford · 30/07/2023 20:30

OP, has a care assessment been carried out, and do you get any help with respite care? It sounds as if you qualify for it.

FredWinnie · 30/07/2023 20:30

RedToothBrush · Today 20:02
RedToothBrush · Today 20:22

@RedToothBrush

My God you really put the boot in

So it's okay for the dad to sod off and abdicate all responsibility, but woe betide the mum who snuck a 1 hour break?

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:30

GrinAndVomit · 30/07/2023 20:28

To bring the 12 year old, who doesn’t have permission to be out and is incredibly violent, home.

Show quote history

Have you ever phoned the police before? Do you imagine they would drop everything and run over to pick up a 12 year old who went out when not supposed to?

And you're purposefully ignoring the fact that the OP has said he isn't violent towards other children

mcmooberry · 30/07/2023 20:30

No wonder you're livid, it sounds horrendous. And if he left at 11, would have been there at 12.30 so staying 5 hours he could have come home at 5.30pm and given you a break. Hope you can get help soon, sounds like an awful weekend for you xx

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:31

Twyford · 30/07/2023 20:30

OP, has a care assessment been carried out, and do you get any help with respite care? It sounds as if you qualify for it.

Actually read the thread.

GrinAndVomit · 30/07/2023 20:31

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:27

So I tell DH not to go?

What should I have done? I can't stop him going?

Just because I would never have left them all alone, doesn't mean DH wouldn't.

Clearly he would. He did.

So yes, I can absolutely be angry at leaving us for too long, when I never would have left them at all.

Show quote history

My point is, if you’re so scared of your son that you cannot be alone with him, you should not be inflicting that situation and responsibility onto children.
He could seriously hurt or kill another child.
And if it means your husband can’t go to the party, then yes you say “no. You can’t go”

Thegoodbadandugly · 30/07/2023 20:31

Begonne · 30/07/2023 20:26

Of course your dh should have been up with the younger ones this morning to give you a bit of a lie in. I really don’t understand why he didn’t bring the four year old too, if it takes two to protect him.

In different situations, no one would bat an eyelid at him enjoying his df’s birthday but your family is in crisis. You’ve already held the fort for one day of the weekend, and in the circumstances he is massively taking the piss.

It is not wise to push the only other adult caregiver to the point of breakdown. I’d be furious tbh. And I’ve been furious for less, and thankfully dh has learned to think.

I think pps have valid concerns about the wisdom of letting a 12 year old with sn out unsupervised - for his sake as well as others. But I’d also love to hear their solutions for keeping him in. I don’t envy you op. It’s a lot.

It's not about keeping the 12 year old in, there are lots of things she could be doing with him all of all the children outside burning their energy off, rather than letting him out on his own where he could attack other children, it's really really tough. But all the children need supervising properly. Op perhaps you might be better giving up your job so at least you get a break while your son is in school.

HRTQueen · 30/07/2023 20:31

Op I just felt sad reading your post

sad for you all I would be angry to I hope the support you have finally got and no doubt have had to fight for (which is disgusting) starts to make life a bit easier

rant away but would also take the advice from pp to look for a more understanding forum with parents who can also give advice from their own experiences

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 20:31

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 30/07/2023 20:10

I find it really really hard to be only kind and sympathetic to someone who describes their own child as "an awful violent, abusive individual". He's 12. He is disabled. I am a bit shocked at how a lot of posters think this is fine. Nit saying the OP isn't struggling, but this child needs some support, and fast.

Show quote history

WHICH SHE HAS BEEN TRYING FOR A LONG TIME TO GET HIM

Or did you miss that part?

Bb234 · 30/07/2023 20:31

Hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but why couldn’t your husband take the younger children and you stay with the 12 year old?
why didn’t anyone book an Uber for said 12 year old to come home? He’s old enough to use a taxi I take it? I’m just trying to think of things that might have made this situation easier, I feel your frustration is from feeling trapped with a really stressful home life you have at the moment and it sounds really difficult. ☹️

GrinAndVomit · 30/07/2023 20:31

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:30

Have you ever phoned the police before? Do you imagine they would drop everything and run over to pick up a 12 year old who went out when not supposed to?

And you're purposefully ignoring the fact that the OP has said he isn't violent towards other children

Show quote history

Yet.

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ODFOD

Maddy70 · 30/07/2023 20:31

Yanbu, You're having a bad day. That's not your DH fault. He's visiting his father for his 80th birthday He's not in a strip club! He's entitled to do that. You sound like you need respite care so you both have some downtime don't spoil your husband's nice day by being anger at him

Babyroobs · 30/07/2023 20:32

thegreylady · 30/07/2023 20:30

Some of the criticism of this mother is shameful. Very few of us have experienced a situation like hers. And while she is waiting at home, desperate for help while her husband is out, she understandably becomes furious with the situation. What she needs isn’t criticism it is understanding and awareness that some people live in a shit storm with no easy fix.

Excellent post.

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:32

Acourtof · 30/07/2023 20:30

It sounds like the 12 year old needs additional care to what’s provided at home. It must be terrifying for the little one.

Show quote history

What additional care?

A psychiatrist perhaps? Maybe a key worker as well? And the police when things are desperate?

All the things that has taken me a year to put in place?

Ah yes, all those things. Those things that we have. Them?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 20:32

Bb234 · 30/07/2023 20:31

Hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but why couldn’t your husband take the younger children and you stay with the 12 year old?
why didn’t anyone book an Uber for said 12 year old to come home? He’s old enough to use a taxi I take it? I’m just trying to think of things that might have made this situation easier, I feel your frustration is from feeling trapped with a really stressful home life you have at the moment and it sounds really difficult. ☹️

I am speechless...

An uber??

emmylou24 · 30/07/2023 20:32

Hey there, I'm living this life too and it can be difficult, must admit mine is 10 and I wouldn't let him out unsupervised as would worry about others. We've just put a sensory den basically a shed in the garden which has helped so much over the last couple of months and even been somewhere I can go for some quiet time to get mu zen back a little. I would be more annoyed at him not getting up early then him not coming home early but understand your feelings. Looks up some ot activities as sometimes some of the sensory activities can be used to help calm him. We have a pile of magazines that son can rip up and throw around. Also being able to hit a wall with a ball, bouncing on a gym ball. Takes a lots of patience. We are starting to get a bit better and he finally do not feel in danger of being killed after a 2 years of perseverance and hard work so can be done

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:32

THANK YOU to those who are being kind.

I really really needed this, thank you. X

OP posts:
AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 30/07/2023 20:33

I don't think it is fair to say that he would and did leave them "all alone"? You've lost me there.

You also can't say he can never go anywhere for a few hours because you wouldn't do so.

However. You as a unit need to plan things like this with precision, and he seems resistant to that, which makes him a bit of a twat.

supersonicginandtonic · 30/07/2023 20:33

@Fuckingfumin sorry if you've already answered this but does your son have a diagnosis of anything? Is it additional need related or mental health?

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:33

GrinAndVomit · 30/07/2023 20:31

Yet.

Show quote history

Yeah. Best to let him continue to terrorise the 4 year old at home instead

meercat23 · 30/07/2023 20:34

supersonicginandtonic · 30/07/2023 20:33

@Fuckingfumin sorry if you've already answered this but does your son have a diagnosis of anything? Is it additional need related or mental health?

Oh for goodness sake. Have you read any of the OPs posts?

Caprisunny · 30/07/2023 20:34

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:28

Presumably because she was hoping he'd hang out with his friends and not be punched in the head?

Show quote history

He is 12 and vulnerable. And out without permission and op couldn’t have been sure exactly where he was.

Either Op does think he shouldn’t be out but couldn’t have stopped him in which case she could have called her dh then and he would have been almost home.

Or she was fine with him going out, so didn’t need to let her dh know.

i 100% get why op may have felt it was just easier to let him go out. But if she didn’t really want him to go and knows he and others are at risk due to his uncontrollable rages she could have told her dh to come then or called the police. If she wanted him home there was options available that she didn’t take.

It sounds to me like she let him go because she knew keeping him in wouldn’t work but also because, understandably, it gave her a break. But it’s caused even more trouble. Now op is making out he went out against her wishes.

If someone posted that their dh was away for the day and their NT 12 year old walked out without permission people would tell her to call her husband and or the police. And this child is more vulnerable.

I have an autistic 12 year old. If he left and o didn’t want him to the first person I would call would be his dad and I am not even with him.

Twyford · 30/07/2023 20:34

RedHelenB · 30/07/2023 20:29

Why didn't you tell violent ds to make his own way home?

Show quote history

Oh, FFS! Demanding that a vulnerable child with quite severe additional needs gets himself home when he has been attacked and is upset? That's going to go really well, isn't it?