I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

[Fuckingfumin]

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

This child almost certainly lashes out when he is overwhelmed and unable to cope. It is not a case of him hurting others deliberately and deserving some sort of retribution.

Because your OP is confusing.

@Fuckingfumin I am long past having young children at home and when I did I never had to cope with what you are coping with. I hope you feel that you have had some support on here but you have very definitely had to read some unpleasant and I would even say some spiteful responses.

I do know how hard it is to get the help you need and you have done a great job in getting at least some of that help in place.

I can understand how, just one day too many, especially when coping on your own, is just too much and to need a safe space to scream into.

I hope tomorrow is a calmer day and that you get some space to recover.

Could she phone the police?

Maybe you should just leave the thread if it's making you upset.
Is there anyway one of you can reduce working hours to make things less stressful. It is stressful in any family for both adults to be working full time including a weekend day when you could be both having a bit of a break if you both had the 2 days off.
Do you claim DLA for your 12 year old - would that extra money enable one of you to drop hours a little to give you both some breathing space?

If that was the case why didn’t the Op call her husband and tell him he needed to come home because the son had gone awol?

It sounds thoroughly shit OP, I'm sorry. I don't think leaving late was necessarily unreasonable, but he should have gotten up earlier and joined in, to take the load from you before he then had the day to himself.

Of course your dh should have been up with the younger ones this morning to give you a bit of a lie in. I really don’t understand why he didn’t bring the four year old too, if it takes two to protect him.

In different situations, no one would bat an eyelid at him enjoying his df’s birthday but your family is in crisis. You’ve already held the fort for one day of the weekend, and in the circumstances he is massively taking the piss.

It is not wise to push the only other adult caregiver to the point of breakdown. I’d be furious tbh. And I’ve been furious for less, and thankfully dh has learned to think.

I think pps have valid concerns about the wisdom of letting a 12 year old with sn out unsupervised - for his sake as well as others. But I’d also love to hear their solutions for keeping him in. I don’t envy you op. It’s a lot.

How would that help?

So I tell DH not to go?

What should I have done? I can't stop him going?

Just because I would never have left them all alone, doesn't mean DH wouldn't.

Clearly he would. He did.

So yes, I can absolutely be angry at leaving us for too long, when I never would have left them at all.

I feel for you - the situation sounds unbearable but I do think your anger towards your DP is misdirected - an 80th birthday is enormous and as others have said, at that age you don't know how many more there would be.

Your family desperately needs support and I hope you get it soon x

What gave you that impression?

Because OP is under extreme pressure!

OP said he habitually responds with a curt 'I don't know' when she asks when he'll be back. Not only refusing to do his bit but also I imagine trying to imply that all this is somehow caused by her. He is not behaving like a good husband or good father.

OP yes you have every right to be livid. Livid at your DP for not communicating with you knowing you were in the trenches today, and for not having a check point through the day to see if you needed him home earlier.

You have to have 100% open lines when your handling a ND pre-teen with aggressive meltdowns, plus additional children at home.

Your DP should be making better plans, he could of left earlier this morning to be back earlier (are the meltdowns more likely to happen later in the day?)
Your 12 year old brings the unknown each day, your DP shouldn't be adding to that.

Your DP does have every right to see his DF on his birthday especially a big one, but he needs to plan, organise and be on top of his communication with you on these occasions. Have you got anyone you can have as back up? Someone who can watch the younger children whilst you support the 12 year old?

I'm glad you are finally getting some support for your 12 year old, and in turn I hope this helps support you and the rest of your family.

Op I feel you need to delete this thread. People who don't have SEN children don't understand.

Nah, just people who are arseholes.

I do think you should proabably walk away from the thread for your own sanity OP. I'm so sorry that Mumsnetters have piled on, and I am crossing everything for you that the help you desperately need for him is finally coming very soon.

Presumably because she was hoping he'd hang out with his friends and not be punched in the head?

To bring the 12 year old, who doesn’t have permission to be out and is incredibly violent, home.

Yes we do get DLA.

I have asked DH to leave his job, I earn 3 times as much as him, I cannot leave my job.

Why didn't you tell violent ds to make his own way home?

What's your job OP?

I thought the same thing. I don't have a SEN child and I don't need to in order to understand that this mother is going through extremely tough times.

It sounds like the 12 year old needs additional care to what’s provided at home. It must be terrifying for the little one.

Some of the criticism of this mother is shameful. Very few of us have experienced a situation like hers. And while she is waiting at home, desperate for help while her husband is out, she understandably becomes furious with the situation. What she needs isn’t criticism it is understanding and awareness that some people live in a shit storm with no easy fix.

Chose not to go???

WTF is wrong with some people on this thread??

She was supposed to go with the children even though she knew categorically her eldest wouldn't cope and would absolutely ruin the day for his grandfather?

Really? She should have done that?