Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

701 replies

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:30

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:34

You also can't say he can never go anywhere for a few hours because you wouldn't do so.

At NO point did I say to DH or on this thread that he could not go.

OP posts:
Thegoodbadandugly · 30/07/2023 20:34

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:30

Have you ever phoned the police before? Do you imagine they would drop everything and run over to pick up a 12 year old who went out when not supposed to?

And you're purposefully ignoring the fact that the OP has said he isn't violent towards other children

Show quote history

Why would the 12 year old be violent to the parents but not other children? You cannot guarantee that he would not harm another child.

almostoverthehill · 30/07/2023 20:35

supersonicginandtonic · 30/07/2023 20:33

@Fuckingfumin sorry if you've already answered this but does your son have a diagnosis of anything? Is it additional need related or mental health?

I asked a similar question? Trying to understand the situation a bit clearer. (I think I may have come across as nosey)

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 20:35

@Fuckingfumin

I don't know about you being angry but I'm enraged on your behalf at some of the vile answers on this thread.

The lack of reading comprehension, the lack of imagination and the lack of empathy beggars belief.

I am sorry you've had such a shit day. I'd have been angry too. The very least, knowing he had a day away, that he could have done, was get up early to give you a break at the start of the day.

I hope help comes soon Flowers

Bb234 · 30/07/2023 20:35

Yes she’s on her own with other children, just put one to bed. Could have booked an Uber and stayed on the phone with her son the whole time.
Im only trying to help…..

WinterDeWinter · 30/07/2023 20:35

That's not your DH fault. He's visiting his father for his 80th birthday He's not in a strip club! He's entitled to do that.

@Maddy70 there is no 'entitled' when things are at the kind of extremes that the OP is living with.

As sad as it is, and as difficult as you find it to comprehend, the parents of children with severe SEN just have to do what needs to be done. Thank your lucky stars you live in a world where 'entitled' is a thing.

nonamesavailable123 · 30/07/2023 20:35

How old is the other child? Where are they?

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 30/07/2023 20:36

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:32

THANK YOU to those who are being kind.

I really really needed this, thank you. X

You will be in my thoughts long after this thread dries up. I hope that the measures that you have managed to get in place alleviate the pressure on you all. ❤️

User1367349 · 30/07/2023 20:36

Bloody hell, @Fuckingfumin, just know that there are people (in fact probably most people) who see how shit it is, and that this is the final straw. This is not your fault, you are doing everything you possibly can and from what you have said you may finally be making progress. I understand why you feel let down and unsupported.

I also understand how having to wake your 4 year old in that way for that reason feels like further abuse. I completely agree that you can find your son intolerable and be unable to control him, as well as loving him and needing to protect him.

Ignore the ignorant and spiteful posters. They are really showing themselves for the awful people they are.

supersonicginandtonic · 30/07/2023 20:36

@meercat23 I did say sorry if you've already answered it. No need to be so rude!
Once I know what's wrong I may be able to offer some advice.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 30/07/2023 20:36

I would be angry too op.
I can’t imagine that most of these replies have been very helpful though.

We went through similar with one of our ds. It was incredibly lonely because people didn’t get it. The suggestions of reward charts or punishment were laughable.
Luckily for us it was resolved but it cost me my marriage and affected all of our mental health.

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:36

Thegoodbadandugly · 30/07/2023 20:34

Why would the 12 year old be violent to the parents but not other children? You cannot guarantee that he would not harm another child.

Show quote history

Do you imagine that everyone who commits domestic abuse punches everyone they meet in the street and friends too?

Peopl, including children, unfortunately lash out at home because that's where they feel safe to do it

User1367349 · 30/07/2023 20:37

Sending all the solidarity and hugs you can cope with. If I knew you in real life, I would (I hope) be offering support.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 30/07/2023 20:37

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:34

You also can't say he can never go anywhere for a few hours because you wouldn't do so.

At NO point did I say to DH or on this thread that he could not go.

You kinda did though. You describe this afternoon as leaving you for "too long". What is the limit? Is it 3 hours? 4? If you have one you need to mutually agree on one, especially if his family live a good drive away.

Tapasgoofy · 30/07/2023 20:37

Twyford · 30/07/2023 20:34

Oh, FFS! Demanding that a vulnerable child with quite severe additional needs gets himself home when he has been attacked and is upset? That's going to go really well, isn't it?

Show quote history

Why would you let a vulnerable child with quite severe additional needs out in the first place…

Twyford · 30/07/2023 20:37

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:31

Actually read the thread.

Show quote history

ODFOD. I have. OP says there has been psychiatric involvement and there is a key worker. That is not the same as care assessment under the Children Act 1989, nor is it the same as respite care.

Hiddenvoice · 30/07/2023 20:37

op you’re getting a tough time here!

First of all, are you okay? Maybe take a break away from this thread as it definitely won’t be helping how you’re feeling.

I completely understand you’re upset with dh. Yes he’s more than entitled to go out and celebrate his dads birthday which you’ve said numerous times but he’s stayed out so long knowing you’ve not had a break today.

Is your little one okay and back to sleep now?

I’m glad you’re finally getting the help you need for your 12 year old, no one can know how hard your life is and the stupid posts about discipline know nothing about a child with sen. It’s also horrible to hear how bullied your son is. Things must be hard for you all but he doesn’t deserve to be beaten up and filmed. I’m glad you’ve reported it.

bookworm44 · 30/07/2023 20:37

I'm afraid i have no advice, just wanted to say i am so sorry. I have been in your shoes and totally understand how awful it is, scared of your own child in your own home.

Whippetlovely · 30/07/2023 20:38

Op the people on here don’t understand how hard it is to live with an abusive child. My brother had adhd and outbursts and was hell to live with at times. You stating this fact doesn’t mean you don’t love your son , I recall my dad telling me he hated my brother once and that he wished he wasn’t born. He loved him of course but was so stressed out with him and the police constantly coming round , the arguments it was making him very sick. He of course loved him it was just the stress of it all. All parents unconditionally love their kids sometimes they need to vent. it’s impossibly hard to deal with a child like this. Ignore the comments because they wouldn’t be saying my darling son if they lived with that shit day in day our you are at the end of your tether. And saying he can’t go out you can not physically restrain a child. My mum used to take my brother to school he would then walk out no adult could stop this from happening. It doesn’t mean op doesn’t care about her son or try her best for him. Please don’t take this out on your husband though he is right to see his dad and probably part of him didn’t want to come back and needed a break (as do you). Parents with children like this are much more likely to split up because of the stress. You need to work together. Take some time out both of you at different times. If you have any family or friends that could come round whilst the other parent is out getting me time do this. And try and spend some time as a couple. My mum and dad always went out once a week and made it happen we had older sensible cousins to babysit and they weren’t far away in case anything happened. It sounds like your son is more violent than my brother but hopefully when you can get some help you can get some time back to cool off and be you.

Caprisunny · 30/07/2023 20:38

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:36

Do you imagine that everyone who commits domestic abuse punches everyone they meet in the street and friends too?

Peopl, including children, unfortunately lash out at home because that's where they feel safe to do it

Show quote history

Most people commuting domestic violence aren’t doing so because of the same reason this child does.

Most people committing DV do not have uncontrollable rages.

It’s not similar at all.

Twyford · 30/07/2023 20:38

Tapasgoofy · 30/07/2023 20:37

Why would you let a vulnerable child with quite severe additional needs out in the first place…

Show quote history

OP has explained that he is not violent with his friends.

WinterDeWinter · 30/07/2023 20:38

Thegoodbadandugly · 30/07/2023 20:34

Why would the 12 year old be violent to the parents but not other children? You cannot guarantee that he would not harm another child.

Show quote history

Well darling nothing in life is guaranteed. The whole of life is a series of calculated risks.

But aside from this truth .. you really want to use that to punch this desperate woman when in truth she probably had no option, and with everything else in her OP?

You're mean.

meercat23 · 30/07/2023 20:39

supersonicginandtonic · 30/07/2023 20:36

@meercat23 I did say sorry if you've already answered it. No need to be so rude!
Once I know what's wrong I may be able to offer some advice.

That would be great. So how about you take the time to read the OPs posts..

AlfietheSchnauzer · 30/07/2023 20:39

You just described your own child (who has additional needs) as "awful", what the fuuuuck?! You talk about him as if you hate him! Yes he sounds out of control but treating him with disdain and pure hatred isn't going to help him!

Sounds like he (& you) needs respite care

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:39

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 30/07/2023 20:37

You kinda did though. You describe this afternoon as leaving you for "too long". What is the limit? Is it 3 hours? 4? If you have one you need to mutually agree on one, especially if his family live a good drive away.

Show quote history

You are fucking clutching at straws, nitpicking over something completely in your head against a woman who is clearly having a traumatic time in a quite frankly (currently) awful sounding life.

Why the fuck is that?