Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

701 replies

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:30

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 30/07/2023 20:19

So he drove 3 hour round trip and spent about 6 hours up there.

Sounds about right to me.

You need need a real from the 12yo and you can have it next week when your both off.

You're aiming your rightful anger and frustration in the wrong direction.

Caprisunny · 30/07/2023 20:19

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:11

I did type and explain that about 3 times but deleted it because I could handle the back lash.

If I can't stop him smashing his windows through and throwing items at my head or beating me, I sure as heck can't stop him walking out when I ask him not to.

I'm ignoring any suggestions of "have you tried discipline or a reward chart" responses to this because I can't handle more BS.

Show quote history

So when your son went out and you told him and you didn’t want him to….did you phone your dh and tell him to get home asap as your 12 year old had gone awol? If you did then your dh is an arsehole for not coming home then.

Also I am not saying your son isn’t bullied. But he has uncontrollable rages. He can’t control them. Which means all the other kids he is with are at risk.

I am not sure if you let him out (and I get why you would feel it was easier to) and you are now changing it or if you didn’t. But if you didn’t I don’t get why you didn’t call your dh or the police. He could have been anywhere.

You seem to think he has uncontrollable behaviour except when he goes with his friends. And to date, that may be the case. But it only takes once to realise it’s not confined to the home anymore. By which time another child could be seriously hurt.

Birdsmakingnests · 30/07/2023 20:19

Life just sounds so awful for you and it’s is crisis, you sound so angry.

Yes, your hubby has taken the piss slightly, but it’s his dads birthday , probably time just went by celebrating with his family. Don’t be angry with him, get the kids settled if you can and talk this through.

Personally, if it was me, and I might get flamed for this, but take your son to SW dept tomorrow with a packed bag, ask for the duty worker, and demand respite from tomorrow. Now, we both know, that the likelihood of you getting it is zilch. But it will let them know you are broken, and you need time for your family to repair. Do not feel guilty!

Do you have a safe space or padded room that you can contain your child in, if not, think about this for moving forward.

Also, have you considered full time residential? Please, please considerate it. Don’t feel guilty, it’s time to take steps to keep your 12 year old safe,
yourself and hubby safe, and the other children safe.

good luck x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/07/2023 20:19

Do you have Uber where you live I would have got the 12 year old one.
You definitely need help as a family can you contact your local early help service.
Next time husband goes out agree in advance time to be home. Next few days off do a rota of who gets up early and who gets a lie in x

TomatoSandwiches · 30/07/2023 20:19

At 12 my eldest son was already much taller than myself, I wouldn't have been able to restrain him let alone keep a younger sibling safe whilst doing so.

Some people have no idea.

AllyCart · 30/07/2023 20:19

leopard22 · 30/07/2023 20:17

There are some proper arseholes on this thread

Great contribution 👏🏻

Yahyahs22 · 30/07/2023 20:20

drpet49 · 30/07/2023 20:16

@Acourtof why? Who is safeguarding the 4 year old? Or do they not matter.

Show quote history

The OP has stated that her son is finally getting the help he needs. Do you really think ripping him away from him mum and dad will help him? Absolutely not. He would be worse. So, every child with SEN who have violent outbursts and younger siblings needs to just be given up on, thrown into the system and forgotten about? No. What a monstrous thing to suggest.

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 20:20

OnAWobblyFence · 30/07/2023 19:44

Well it’s not your FIL’s or your husband’s fault that your child is like this. It’s not your child’s fault either, but that goes without saying. Your FIL and your husband still want to spend time together on his big birthday, you can’t be annoyed with them for that.

You’re at the end of your tether, and that’s understandable, but your husband has done nothing wrong in wanting to be with his dad on his birthday. And so what that he got up at 9.30 on a day off? He wanted to leave at 11. That’s plenty of time to get ready and help you with a few things before leaving.

Wonder what time @Fuckingfumin had to get up...

Nearlyspring23 · 30/07/2023 20:20

I have a sen child that has had violent behaviour.
@Fuckingfumin please check out this kind and understanding community of parents in the same situation.
It has turned the situation around in my household and really helped me to see my child as someone who is extremely anxious and scared rather than someone who is violent, abusive and horrible - despite their behaviour feeling very much like the latter.
I really hope you take a look, join the Facebook page and get the support that you need from the thousands of other parents that totally understand, without judgement, what you are going through right now.

Home

https://www.newboldhope.com/

Sometimeswinning · 30/07/2023 20:20

Acourtof · 30/07/2023 20:13

Your poor 4 year old. Your living situation sounds appalling.

If your older child is extremely violent and unmanageable, at what stage does he need to go into care.

Yes. I don't understand why the op hasn't made a quick call. Requested help and had it immediately delivered to her. It's puzzling for really clueless, prize twats.

There are some vile posters on this thread tonight. Just glad there are some supportive posters to even you lot out!

Coulditreallybe · 30/07/2023 20:20

Ignore the idiots on here @Fuckingfumin
Mumsnet really has dived of late.
really hope things get better for you soon

Middlefadiddle · 30/07/2023 20:21

You are allowed to be livid and to rail against the unfairness of life. 💐

RedToothBrush · 30/07/2023 20:22

ladyvivienne · 30/07/2023 20:06

What's the situation with your 12 year old? How has it come to this? Diagnosed behaviour issues? On medication? Why is he having violent outbursts in the first place?

My child is autistic with ADHD. Not an excuse for poor behaviour. It's bloody hard work and he's twice the work of a 'normal ' child ( I can say that, I have a normal child as well) but he's certainly not throwing things around violently and causing a 'violent' household for others. And if he was like that, I certainly wouldn't let him out unaccompanied. My son is constantly 'watched' so to speak. Sent DH to a party with him today with full instructions to be on high alert in case he was triggered and at risk of a meltdown. There's not a cat in hell's chance I would let him out unaccompanied if he were like you're describing. You're literally risking deliberately exactly what happened. I wouldn't let him out as it is, and he's not violent.

Plenty of SEN parents on here. We have walked in your shoes. Can possibly help with ways/strategies to avoid this. Could you not have asked your neighbour to pop in for 5 mins to watch your 4 yr old whilst you were collecting your 12 yr old? You literally made it worse by dragging the 4 yr old into it.

It was still your husband's Dad's 80th birthday. He's allowed a full day off. I would have let him stay overnight. You need to communicate because parenting an SEN child is bloody hard work and you both need adequate breaks. Communication is key.

This.

You didn't call your DH until nearly 7pm assuming that he will have left at a certain time.

Despite knowing you'd been struggling all day.

You didn't call him to let him know that there was a problem at home. So he didn't know.

If your son is causing this many problems, you don't let him out unsupervised. It's a recipe for disaster.

And you communicate with your partner about what you can cope with and what your expectations are.

Equally you didn't say anything to your husband about him getting up at 9.30pm.

Instead everything has built up because you've assumed, not supervised or otherwise failed to communicate.

If you are struggling this much your number one thing is to a) communication with your husband b) don't take on too much on a day when you have to cope alone (so yeah stay home) c) take responsibility for a child who isnt behaving well enough to be unsupervised - you can just neglect them - and that's what letting them out alone in this situation is. It's only going to backfire if you do. SEN kids need more adult support than normal kids.

If they can be trusted with an adult at the FIL bday party they can't be trusted out alone with mates. As difficult as that may be for you or for you to hear.

If that was the alternative, then your DH should have taken them to the FILs party.

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 20:22

Zodfa · 30/07/2023 19:54

Why should he have rushed home from his family to help you out when one child (as planned) was out and the other was in bed? Could he have reasonably foreseen that his son was going to get into trouble?

I would have thought the odds were strongly that there would be some form of issue from what the OP has said

itsgettingweird · 30/07/2023 20:22

MySugarBabyLove · 30/07/2023 19:50

OP it sounds as if the key here is communication.

Your DH went to his dad’s birthday lunch. He wasn’t unreasonable to do that, it’s his father’s 80th and it’s not unreasonable for him to have gone.

But when your ds called to be picked up you called dh assuming that he would be around the corner. Clearly you hadn’t actually agreed on a time he would come back or even discussed it.

Family life is difficult right now, and it’s not unreasonable for him to have relaxed and even enjoyed a bit of a break, and that’s likely why he didn’t think that he should be on a curfew given you didn’t actually discuss it.

As an aside, if your twelve year old is too violent to go to a family dinner, is too violent and out of control to not be trusted to not smash things and fly into violent rages, then he absolutely shouldn’t be out on his own with no adult supervision.

In the same way that you feel your DH was wrong not to come home sooner, you are wrong to let an out of control child out with no adult supervision.

Agree with this 100%

Beelezebub · 30/07/2023 20:22

Someone has asked about a padded room.

Fuck
Me

Some of the replies on are absolutely shameful

WinterDeWinter · 30/07/2023 20:23

AllyCart · 30/07/2023 20:19

Great contribution 👏🏻

Show quote history

Conversely it may be a really great contribution from the OP's POV.

She now knows that not all of us agree with all the arseholes who are telling her that she is the problem here. She might feel a bit better about the gaslighting. It may help her put one foot in front of the other for another day of hell.

FFS.

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:23

OP I'm so sorry you've had such disgusting, ignorant responses here. I really hope he's back soon x

SlashBeef · 30/07/2023 20:23

Difficult reading.
I feel heartbroken for the little 4 year old in this.

Coulditreallybe · 30/07/2023 20:24

@OnAWobblyFence and a few others that oh so adorably and indulgently wave off the fact that the man (bless him) had a lie in on his day off and may have had a few mins to ‘help’ before he had his lovely day with his dad…

its ops day off too. She doesn’t get a lie in. And it’s not ‘help’ when it’s 50% his responsibility.

arghhhfffssssskarghhhhhh

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 30/07/2023 20:25

Coulditreallybe · 30/07/2023 20:24

@OnAWobblyFence and a few others that oh so adorably and indulgently wave off the fact that the man (bless him) had a lie in on his day off and may have had a few mins to ‘help’ before he had his lovely day with his dad…

its ops day off too. She doesn’t get a lie in. And it’s not ‘help’ when it’s 50% his responsibility.

arghhhfffssssskarghhhhhh

Did I miss the bit where the OP said it's also her dad's 80th birthday?

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:25

itsgettingweird · 30/07/2023 20:22

Agree with this 100%

Show quote history

But how the fuck do you imagine she can either stop him or supervise him whilst she has the four year old? What are you purposely not understanding? It's just so unbelievably stupid for you to agree with

GrinAndVomit · 30/07/2023 20:25

Coulditreallybe · 30/07/2023 20:24

@OnAWobblyFence and a few others that oh so adorably and indulgently wave off the fact that the man (bless him) had a lie in on his day off and may have had a few mins to ‘help’ before he had his lovely day with his dad…

its ops day off too. She doesn’t get a lie in. And it’s not ‘help’ when it’s 50% his responsibility.

arghhhfffssssskarghhhhhh

But it does sound like it’s a one off and a very rare occurrence that’s she’s left alone with the children.
They both need breaks.

itsmylife7 · 30/07/2023 20:25

You've every right to be pissed of with your husband OP.
A lovely lay in and a lovely long drive , followed by leisurely lunch with parents.

He should have got his arse out of bed early and let you lay in. He knew he was going to have a "normal" day so should have been more thoughtful.

And he definitely should have been back by 7 the latest for kids bedtime.

All the people on here making shity comments....STOP IT. this is a woman who's needing support not your awful insulting comments.

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 20:25

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 30/07/2023 20:01

It's because I feel really sorry for the 12 yr old. I can't imagine how horrendous it must feel to be described this way by your own, very angry, mum. Sure, I feel sad for OP that she's stressed. We r all stressed! Life is stressful. But the poor kid is just a child. He needs a mum that loves him and doesn't see him as such a bad person. Of course I feel a bit sorry for OP, but ai feel waaay more sorry for the kid. And I feel a bit sorry for the DH too.

As someone in the receiving end of a crazed and angry mum, while I have some sympathy, it's the children who need the support more. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Show quote history

You're not at all sorry.

And do you think the OP describes her child like that to their face?

And my stresses (and I bet yours) don't come anywhere near what the OP feels.

What she and her family are living through isn't just stress

Swipe left for the next trending thread