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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

701 replies

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:30

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

OP posts:
WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 22:32

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 30/07/2023 22:27

My point Willy was that you were obviously taught techniques and had support from somewhere. You didn't just magically know how to deal with everything. OP is learning from professionals right now. Her son is learning from professionals right now. So they won't yet have all the tools they need. They will hopefully have them one day, but right now, they are still learning...

No kid magically knows, I got support as do most kids from their family to teach them what is right and wrong and to show that being frustrated/angry/overwhelmed is ok but this is how we deal with it isn't that what ALL parents do with their kids? Or should do. I do not class psychiatrists as professionals at all but that is purely given what I know about an oppressive system. Psychologists yes, psychiatry no! They will not get the tools from a psychiatrist that is for sure.

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 30/07/2023 22:33

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 22:32

No kid magically knows, I got support as do most kids from their family to teach them what is right and wrong and to show that being frustrated/angry/overwhelmed is ok but this is how we deal with it isn't that what ALL parents do with their kids? Or should do. I do not class psychiatrists as professionals at all but that is purely given what I know about an oppressive system. Psychologists yes, psychiatry no! They will not get the tools from a psychiatrist that is for sure.

Show quote history

Agree.

supersonicginandtonic · 30/07/2023 22:34

@Fuckingfumin so glad the keyworker is helping you.
It is absolutely disgusting that people like yourself have to fight so hard for support.
I have everything crossed for you that things start to improve.
Has everything calmed down now?

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 22:36

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 22:32

No kid magically knows, I got support as do most kids from their family to teach them what is right and wrong and to show that being frustrated/angry/overwhelmed is ok but this is how we deal with it isn't that what ALL parents do with their kids? Or should do. I do not class psychiatrists as professionals at all but that is purely given what I know about an oppressive system. Psychologists yes, psychiatry no! They will not get the tools from a psychiatrist that is for sure.

Show quote history

Are you honestly truly assuming that I have not patented my child, tried to teach him right from wrong and put strategies in place for him when he is angry/frustrated?

Are you really, seriously making that assumption?

Your book must be the most patronising book in the fucking world and I would never buy it.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 30/07/2023 22:37

Who looks after your DC when you are working?

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 22:38

supersonicginandtonic · 30/07/2023 22:34

@Fuckingfumin so glad the keyworker is helping you.
It is absolutely disgusting that people like yourself have to fight so hard for support.
I have everything crossed for you that things start to improve.
Has everything calmed down now?

Everyone in the house is fast asleep, everyone is calm. I'm watching SATC and dropping the odd post on this thread.

Thank you for asking. 🙂

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 30/07/2023 22:39

Is your DH home now @Fuckingfumin

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 22:39

toomuchlaundry · 30/07/2023 22:37

Who looks after your DC when you are working?

Why? What assumption are you making?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 22:40

toomuchlaundry · 30/07/2023 22:39

Is your DH home now @Fuckingfumin

Yes, 10 hours later.
He is sheepishly in the bedroom.

I don't want an argument, he knows I'm cross and that's enough.

I've had 2 large glasses of wine, vented on here and to my mum.
Tomorrows another day.

OP posts:
Bellumbella · 30/07/2023 22:42

I came on here to ask if I was being unreasonably livid about my husband.

If your twelve year old had come home unharmed and independently, would you be livid?

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 22:42

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 22:36

Are you honestly truly assuming that I have not patented my child, tried to teach him right from wrong and put strategies in place for him when he is angry/frustrated?

Are you really, seriously making that assumption?

Your book must be the most patronising book in the fucking world and I would never buy it.

Show quote history

Well what strategies did you teach him to use and why does he not use them? What did you teach him about right and wrong and does he understand this, looks like he doesn't understand it or he wasn't taught it if it isn't a choice behaviour.

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 30/07/2023 22:44

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 22:36

Are you honestly truly assuming that I have not patented my child, tried to teach him right from wrong and put strategies in place for him when he is angry/frustrated?

Are you really, seriously making that assumption?

Your book must be the most patronising book in the fucking world and I would never buy it.

Show quote history

Please don’t try and engage in useful conversation with WWW9. Go back to your wine and hold onto your zen x

Lavender14 · 30/07/2023 22:45

I'm so sorry you're dealing with so much op, it sounds incredibly tough.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with your dh going to his dad's 80th, to be honest I actually think those things are important to try and make the most of when there's so much chaos going on. But there's a sacrifice on the other person's side to allow that to happen and its important that you're both recognising that.

I think it has to be an agreement between you both when things like this come up, so when he's going out and you're holding fort and you both know it's likely to be tough going, you need a time frame to work to so you know how long you're holding fort for, and then you need him to jump straight in when he is back.

And then you need to be able to take yourself out the following weekend or whenever is manageable and he holds fort so you are both getting down time and a bit of respite and still feeling like you're able to engage with the nice things that are happening in life as well.

On a side note, it seems wrong to me that you don't have a social worker. I work with families in very similar situations to yours and they have key workers, but also a social workers and they've respite options so if things get too much, the child who's struggling to manage their emotions gets brought on a residential for a few days and the family gets a bit of down time. It doesn't sound like you're getting everything you're entitled to. If your son doesn't meet the threshold for family intervention social work, he should meet the criteria for a disability social worker. It's such a fight to get the right support and it's 10x harder when you're already burning the candle at both ends just trying to get through the day so you have my absolute sympathy- it shouldn't be so hard.

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 30/07/2023 22:46

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 22:42

Well what strategies did you teach him to use and why does he not use them? What did you teach him about right and wrong and does he understand this, looks like he doesn't understand it or he wasn't taught it if it isn't a choice behaviour.

Show quote history

I find it terrifying to think you work with people with ASD. I wouldn’t let you within a country mile or my ND kids.

supersonicginandtonic · 30/07/2023 22:48

@WeeWillyWinkie9 you do realise that every person with ASD is different don't you?
You realise that when somebody is in a full blown meltdown they have lost control and won't be thinking about t "strategies"
You realise this boy is 12, out of control hormones are thrown in there too.
You realise the OP is a mum at breaking point?
What works for you won't necessarily work for others.

BrunoMarzipan · 30/07/2023 22:48

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 30/07/2023 22:46

I find it terrifying to think you work with people with ASD. I wouldn’t let you within a country mile or my ND kids.

Show quote history

Same here.

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yeah I'm asking, pretty simple to answer.
What did you teach him because it seems he didn't understand, pretty simple again.
No I didn't write a book, I was being flippant to the flippant person, why did you think I did?!

supersonicginandtonic · 30/07/2023 22:49

@SmellsLikeTeenSpirits I completely agree with you

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 22:50

Lavender14 · 30/07/2023 22:45

I'm so sorry you're dealing with so much op, it sounds incredibly tough.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with your dh going to his dad's 80th, to be honest I actually think those things are important to try and make the most of when there's so much chaos going on. But there's a sacrifice on the other person's side to allow that to happen and its important that you're both recognising that.

I think it has to be an agreement between you both when things like this come up, so when he's going out and you're holding fort and you both know it's likely to be tough going, you need a time frame to work to so you know how long you're holding fort for, and then you need him to jump straight in when he is back.

And then you need to be able to take yourself out the following weekend or whenever is manageable and he holds fort so you are both getting down time and a bit of respite and still feeling like you're able to engage with the nice things that are happening in life as well.

On a side note, it seems wrong to me that you don't have a social worker. I work with families in very similar situations to yours and they have key workers, but also a social workers and they've respite options so if things get too much, the child who's struggling to manage their emotions gets brought on a residential for a few days and the family gets a bit of down time. It doesn't sound like you're getting everything you're entitled to. If your son doesn't meet the threshold for family intervention social work, he should meet the criteria for a disability social worker. It's such a fight to get the right support and it's 10x harder when you're already burning the candle at both ends just trying to get through the day so you have my absolute sympathy- it shouldn't be so hard.

i also work with families in very similar situations to mine who have SW, I wonder if you and I have the same/similar jobs.

What has really stood out to me is the fact that my family come under a different LA, so I speak to the SW at work and they give me advice based on their LA and whilst all SW should be working to the same policies and legislations, I've found out that they don't.
And that true for all LA's after having a run in with a Brummy SW whilst working and staying my concern about a family - their reaction and our SW's reaction? Vastly different.
Im digressing, that is probably the two glasses of wine.

OP posts:
WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 22:50

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 30/07/2023 22:46

I find it terrifying to think you work with people with ASD. I wouldn’t let you within a country mile or my ND kids.

Show quote history

So you'd discriminate against those with ASD, thanks for admitting it.
I work wonders and have been told I am the most patient with those who are having a meltdown, maybe because I understand them better than others. I also don't let them take the piss, they can have all the emotions in the world no one is saying they can't.

MerinoCashmere · 30/07/2023 22:50

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 30/07/2023 22:46

I find it terrifying to think you work with people with ASD. I wouldn’t let you within a country mile or my ND kids.

Show quote history

I don’t have ND kids but I agree that that poster’s views are potentially very damaging to families.

JenWillsiam · 30/07/2023 22:51

It’s hard but I don’t think you’re fair to be this livid. Livid that over stretched services are failing. Yes. Livid that your child isn’t getting the support he needs. Yes. Livid that you and your family aren’t getting the help you need yes.

livid at your OH, who I assume is right in this with you, took a day to see elderly relative? Sorry that’s not fair. It’s a day. And at some point you will need a day for something. The day isn’t the issue. It’s the overwhelming pressure of life.

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 22:51

BrunoMarzipan · 30/07/2023 22:48

Same here.

Show quote history

I would be thankful that you weren;t a parent I had to deal with, those who discriminate against staff with ASD are the worst.

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 22:52

BrunoMarzipan
I see you aren't consistent with your thinking as others aren't. Kids who are ND can do what they want. Adults can't.

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