I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

[Fuckingfumin]

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

This poster has been through situations so please don't be an asshole.

Who gave you the means to let out your emotions and taught you to channel your emotions without hurting others?

I disagree. Imagine driving away with a 12yr old who is going to beat you? No, I'm sorry OP needs to protect herself as well as her son. If OP isn't physically and mentally ok, how can she support him?

@Thegoodbadandugly

You'd take a child with SEN who is often overwhelmed and dysregulated and as a result often has incredibly violent meltdowns to a big family gathering? A 3 hour round trip drive, to spend an indeterminate amount of time with a lot of people who he isn't that familliar with in an unfamillar restaurant?

Are... are you not in any way familliar with SEN and the likely triggers for emotional dysregulation, and the fact that a violent outburst for a child with SEN is the outcome from emotional dysregulation?

If you are, why would you want to ruin your FIL's birthday like that?

No I was pointing out how hypocritical you were and still are. You apply your idea to the child but not to the adult who you berate. You still can't see the hypocrisy in your belief and how you apply it to people. Maybe if in future you have a certain belief then apply it to all and not just pick and choose.

I would imagine that what a person says about their child, is what they think about thier child. If you think your child is an awful person, they will pick that up even if you never say it to them. If you think they are an abusive and violent person, they will know that's what you think. Children are not stupid, they know what their parents think of them. Sometimes they live up to their parents idea of them. Sometimes they internalise what they are told.or what they believe others think of them. Sometimes they react badly to being considered 'awful and abusive'. Most kids want their parents to feel proud of them. To think they are wonderful people. In this case, I think OPs views about her son, while I'm sure not intentional, perhaps contribute to maintaining some of the difficulties.

Clearly I am in the minority in the way I am responding to the OPs comments. I'm in the minority to feel more for the 12yr old than I do for OP. She is getting lots of support and empathy from lots and lots of posters, so if that is what she wants and needs, then she is getting quite a bit of it.

(The OP was posted on AIBU. The question being 'Am I being Unreasonable?' and it was v confusing, and it was v angry, so you could be forgiven for responding with 'yes you are being very unreasonable, and these are my reasons'. There are other boards for people who need lots of support and sympathy. Maybe this thread should be moved?)

So why is she plastering it all over the internet then, inviting comments from anyone and everyone?

We are allowed to disagree and think whatever we like about the situation.

We don't have to agree.

And that doesn't make people ignorant either. Just have different solutions.

Everyone

@RedToothBrush - think I am in the minority but I agree.

Hahahah!!! That genuinely made me laugh out loud!!

Do you know the most recent meltdown we tried exactly what you just suggested.

We went out for a pub lunch following a day at a entertainment part type place.

There was one desert on the menu DS could have (many allergies). They had run out.

He threw the menu, started telling all of us to fuck off while still stood at the bar.
I whipped out of the, told DH we had to leave, got the smallest one, packed him in the car.
DS refused to get in. Started throwing stones at my car, screaming at us that we were all cunts.
This is on a sunny day, next to the beer garden. They are ALL staring at us.

Dh Tried to gently get him in the car.

DH tried to firmly get him in the car.

DH tried to physically lead him into the car, this caused him to kick, scream and punch.

I tried calling his bluff and driving away.

we were in a rural village and two people approached him looking worried, clearly wondering why the hell we had abandoned him.
I drove back, he threw more stones at my car, screamed at me that I was a cunt.

ONE HOUR later, after us all sitting in a hot car, we finally got to leave.

ONE HOUR of abuse. An HOUR of embarrassment.

thats just ONE example of many many.

Please don't fucking tell me, that we could just leave.

please don't fucking assume that he would just get up and come with me if I told him.

please don't fucking tell me that I am making things WORSE.

@Fuckingfumin I'm here to offer solidarity and empathy. I've been in a very similar situation to you for many years.

Please ignore those who have no clue what our daily lives are like. We have finally got a social worker and appropriate schooling for our two, but I'm a husk, emotionally drained. Things are improving slowly. I really hope that with some of the support you have in place things improve for you and your family too.

I echo those who have recommended Newbold Hope as a resource for support. There are many families in the group who are living in situations like ours.

I absolutely know how much you love your children, as I know how hard it is to fight for every single bit of support and only love and the fierce mother bear protectiveness would make you keep going.

Because she wants support. Hth

Avoiding situations is not going to help your son what so ever it will just make things worst, de escalation techniques work very well but you need to stick at it. Your son is going to feel like your constantly punishing him for having meltdowns, you could all have gone today and had a lovely day, had your son started then you could have left and taken him home on your own leaving your partner with your other children.

Would you like to drive for an hour and a half with a son in a state in the back of the car?
Would you go to a family party with him having caused problems at your brother’s wedding a few weeks ago?
Which bit of “this has been happening for a year now/the meds haven’t yet kicked in” do you not understand?
Do you like being called a cunt and told to fuck off..and in public?

I know it's difficult it truly is I've been there done that worn the t shirt and persevered, if the child done that we would leave, we have been in situations where we have had people staring but you have to get past that mentally who gives a dam what other people think? The more you keep at it it will start changing when he realises that when he behaves that way you will leave but it all takes time.

What do you mean everyone? So strangers on the street approached you when you were having a meltdown and they managed to calm you down enough to teach you techniques?

I have no personal experience of ASD. But I believe you love your son. I believe you have tried everything. I believe you try and please everyone and come at the bottom of the pack. I believe that you plan and try and accommodate every eventuality but things still go wrong. I believe that you are proud of your son and haven’t given up on him but are at your wit’s end today. I believe you have advocated for him every step of the way and are burnt out.

I just hope that tomorrow is a tiny bit better for you x

Have you asked him, when he's calm, why he calls you a cunt and why he seems so angry with you? Have you spent time with, just you and him, with him taking the lead and you showing an interest in him, praising him and asking him what he needs from you?

I wonder how he would tell the story of the incident you describe at the pub? I bet his perspective would be very different from yours. I wonder where all that rage comes from?

Have you ever heard of 'LadsLikeUs'? Look them up on twitter. Quite interesting.

I've had to drive a car with my child screaming full belt, trying to punch me, yanking my hair and have had to pull over till it stopped and they had calmed down.

Also what helps is if you are going to places try and find places where they have a quiet corner so it's not to crowded and noisy.

You would clearly put your family through it, but I will not.

Why would I put that on my family any longer?
it isn't just me that it has a negative affect on. It's my poor 4 year old that has to leave, has to sit in a hot car with stones thrown at it, that hears and see's what his brother is doing.
Why on earth would I do that?

You and I are clearly very different people.

If you meet criteria for social work support but LA are refusing, I wonder if your MP could help with that?

Sounds a really tough situation. I hope your DS' medication will help x

Thank goodness you're here to put the OP right, your passive aggressive, patronising tone is a real tonic.

Well said. Can people stop being thoughtless and actually read what OP has written? Yes, it’s ok for her DS to be out with his mates when he’s fine with them. Yes, it’s ok for DH to go to his dad’s birthday lunch - but not stay all day!!! He could have got there for 1, stayed 4 hours and headed home. He needs to be sensible.
I bollocked my DH years ago when I was not well with a baby at home. In laws were moving house and DH had promised to help. Fair enough - but the job took ages because they basically weren’t ready. Lord knows why as they owned the new house for weeks before moving. Then they got takeaway which he stayed for. He got home at 11pm. He could have grabbed a sandwich and got Home 3 hours earlier. We had a discussion about thoughtfulness. More a frank statement of views by me. OP, your DH needs to knock off the vague responses and agree to a time and stick to it. Get him told.

we don't meet the criteria and DH emailed the local MP about 6 weeks ago.

I had totally forgotten about that. I'm guessing he didn't get a response because he hadn't said anything.