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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

701 replies

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:30

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 21:25

ameanoldscene · 30/07/2023 21:09

So much on this thread doesn't make sense - no mention of a formal diagnosis, no social worker yet a funded key worker, a violent child who is let to roam on the park..lots of swearing from the OP who keeps popping back to keep the argument going...

Eh? Your thread makes no sense.

You clearly have no idea about social care, at all.

And his diagnoses was never discussed on here.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 21:27

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 30/07/2023 21:24

So, I'm taking it that you think it's ok to refer to your own 12 year old as "an awful violent abusive individual"? I see OP is struggling and I feel sorry for her. My own mother struggled, but doesn't excuse the way she spoke to me or the abuse I endured. You can empathise with someone's struggles while also feeling they are speaking out of turn about their child. I feel v sad and sorry for this 12 year old, and worry about their trajectory. I'm sorry if that's not what OP wants to hear. But she is having ample sympathy to balance things out.

I can dare to do whatever I like. I haven't sworn at the OP or called her a disgrace, as you have done to me.

Show quote history

But the OP isn't saying that to her son

She's saying it on here. In an anonymous safe space.

Maybe if you're mum had had MN she wouldn't have been so vile to you

red78hot · 30/07/2023 21:27

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:40

The 12 year old is at home.

I dragged the little one out to collect him, which I had said in my OP.

I also said in my OP he was now throwing things round his room in rage.

I don't understand why people are asking where he is?

Because you don't mention the 12 year old coming home?
No point getting arsey with people just because you wrote a confusing post.

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 21:27

Thegoodbadandugly · 30/07/2023 21:22

Op can I please ask was it today that your child threw a chair?

No, he didn't beat me today either. He didn't smash a window. He didn't even call me a cunt.

Why?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 21:28

NewName122 · 30/07/2023 21:25

Yes I know. Its a forum. Are we not on AIBU?

Show quote history

Yes. The OP's 'mistake'

She should have expected the venom and spite from some

NewName122 · 30/07/2023 21:28

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 21:28

Yes. The OP's 'mistake'

She should have expected the venom and spite from some

Show quote history

Oh grow up you.

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 21:29

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 30/07/2023 21:22

He’s a 12 year old kid who’s just finished his first year at secondary school as is 5 days into his meds. Give him a break and stop making things about you? As PP said we’re all individuals not categories right?

Show quote history

I'm not making it about me, you were the one who said I didn't understand people who have such issues and I told you I was. Maybe you need to apply what you think to everyone else as you can't give others a break it seems.

MerinoCashmere · 30/07/2023 21:31

Posters need to remember that the son is not reading this.
The OP is venting here to release some of her understandable anger and frustration.
She has been with her kids caring for them 24/7, mostly alone today. Managing her older child’s meltdowns whilst trying to protect and meet her younger child’s needs. She rushed out to rescue her son from a fight.

I would say she is doing a great job of parenting under these circumstances.

Thegoodbadandugly · 30/07/2023 21:31

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 21:27

No, he didn't beat me today either. He didn't smash a window. He didn't even call me a cunt.

Why?

Show quote history

I ask to see if your avoiding situations incase your child has a meltdown which is not great, I just wonder if it hasn't happened today then why didn't you all go along to celebrate your partner's dad's 80th? You can't just stop going places just incase. Have you tried descalstion techniques?

ThereIbledit · 30/07/2023 21:32

@NewName122

To be fair, imagine saying that about your own child. It's not nice.

OP said
we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.

What part of the sentence are you taking issue with?

The child is violent. He is abusive. He does have additional needs. Those are factual statements. Is it the qualifier "awful" that you object to? if so.... why? It does sound like that's an accurate word to describe is violence and abuse, i.e. it's not low level, it's not even "average" violence and abuse, it's awful in it's severity and how sustained and frequent it is.

Letting off steam at home is different to being violent and throwing chairs. There is a choice there. The child obviously needs more support.

It's almost as if the child is really struggling with unmanaged additional needs and does indeed need more support.

It's almost as if the OP has been desperately trying to get him this support for years.

If only she'd have said as much on this thread, repeatedly...

EllBellWell · 30/07/2023 21:32

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 21:28

Yes. The OP's 'mistake'

She should have expected the venom and spite from some

Show quote history

Expected venom and spite? Human beings should behave with decency, respect and kindness regardless of where a post lands in here. That's just the basics of being a human for me.

You get back what you put out in the world. For all those being unhelpful, hurtful and judgemental, when something goes wrong for you, remember this unnecessary behaviour.

ameanoldscene · 30/07/2023 21:33

..you clearly have no idea about social care...I do actually OP - I have a disabled child with a social worker who provides funding for my sons key worker..but it's fine go ahead and swear at me.

ReyFinn · 30/07/2023 21:34

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 21:29

I'm not making it about me, you were the one who said I didn't understand people who have such issues and I told you I was. Maybe you need to apply what you think to everyone else as you can't give others a break it seems.

Show quote history

You very clearly don't understand anything outside of your own experience. Your experience being ASD (even if true) doesn't mean that the OP's SEN child is anything, at all, like you.

While that's fine, berating OP is definitely not.

You said that your parents "wouldn't have let you" behave in a bad way - insinuating that the behaviour of OP's 12 year old is her fault.

That was a heartless and ignorant thing to insinuate.

Winksy · 30/07/2023 21:34

OP- Id be angry too if DH had given himself a lie in and then taken himself out for the day and left me on my own with no break, even without any additional needs.

Your comment re not being eligible for a SW because no DV has been directed at child isnt fully accurate though and one Id challenge if I were you (or get relevant schools to challenge if you can). By being present in the house at the time of the abuse and witnessing it, even if it isnt directed at them, the 4 year old is still a victim of abuse. The definition of domestic abuse was widened recently in the last couple of years to include witnessing it, for that very reason. Fully appreciate that you may not have that much fight left within you at this point (and youve done so well to get all that other support in place) but I would really challenge that. Next time the police are called emphasise to them the impact that this is having on your youngest- they have to do a merlin (their equivalent of a referral) when called out to a house with a child in it. Equally if you can get the schools to support with this its worth doing too.

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 21:35

Thegoodbadandugly · 30/07/2023 21:31

I ask to see if your avoiding situations incase your child has a meltdown which is not great, I just wonder if it hasn't happened today then why didn't you all go along to celebrate your partner's dad's 80th? You can't just stop going places just incase. Have you tried descalstion techniques?

Show quote history

We are absolutely 100% avoiding going to places and will continue to do so until he can be taken out in public without calling us cunts and telling us to fuck off, in front of everyone and ruining my poor 80 year old FIL's party/lunch.

For the last year we have been taking him with us to things like this.

Not once has he not managed to make it hell for us, embarrass us, scream at us to fuck off in front of everyone (my brothers wedding a few weeks ago springs to mind) and draw all the attention away from the person it should be about, to us.

I will, 100% be avoiding those situations until the medication kicks in or he gets old enough to manage his emotions better.

Please don't start talking deescalation as though we have not tried many many things over the last 12 months.

OP posts:
ReyFinn · 30/07/2023 21:36

Thegoodbadandugly · 30/07/2023 21:31

I ask to see if your avoiding situations incase your child has a meltdown which is not great, I just wonder if it hasn't happened today then why didn't you all go along to celebrate your partner's dad's 80th? You can't just stop going places just incase. Have you tried descalstion techniques?

Show quote history

OP look! This poster has solved all your problems!

neilyoungismyhero · 30/07/2023 21:37

NewName122 · 30/07/2023 21:05

Don't see why you are allowing a violent 12 year old out on his own. What if he hurts someone? If he is as badly behaved as you say I just do not understand this.

The OP has already mentioned that he doesn't kick off with his friends. There is a particular lad who bullies and hits him and he doesn't retaliate- he gets upset and frightened if and when the other lad starts on him. This doesn't always happen so he is allowed out with his mates for a normal bit of life. He is no danger to others.
It's when he gets home that the shit hits the fan. The OP is allowed to vent her feelings on here - it's anonymous- she can say he's a violent little shit but she doesn't appear to be saying that to him. When he is frightened he knows she is there for him. She loves him, it's clear to see, she's just at the end of her rope after a year of trying to get him the help they all need. Thankfully it might make a difference but it takes time.
All these stupid arse fluffy suggestions she's getting are incredibly pathetic- pretty sure she's gone to hell and back.
I hope the meds kick in soon OP and apart from today hope your husband is a support.

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 21:38

Winksy · 30/07/2023 21:34

OP- Id be angry too if DH had given himself a lie in and then taken himself out for the day and left me on my own with no break, even without any additional needs.

Your comment re not being eligible for a SW because no DV has been directed at child isnt fully accurate though and one Id challenge if I were you (or get relevant schools to challenge if you can). By being present in the house at the time of the abuse and witnessing it, even if it isnt directed at them, the 4 year old is still a victim of abuse. The definition of domestic abuse was widened recently in the last couple of years to include witnessing it, for that very reason. Fully appreciate that you may not have that much fight left within you at this point (and youve done so well to get all that other support in place) but I would really challenge that. Next time the police are called emphasise to them the impact that this is having on your youngest- they have to do a merlin (their equivalent of a referral) when called out to a house with a child in it. Equally if you can get the schools to support with this its worth doing too.

Yes this was my argument too.

I have written many many Child Protections reports to understand the ins and outs of thresholds, the law and policies.

I argued until I was blue in the face and they told me, despite my knowledge, that we did not reach their threshold.

OP posts:
WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 21:38

ReyFinn · 30/07/2023 21:34

You very clearly don't understand anything outside of your own experience. Your experience being ASD (even if true) doesn't mean that the OP's SEN child is anything, at all, like you.

While that's fine, berating OP is definitely not.

You said that your parents "wouldn't have let you" behave in a bad way - insinuating that the behaviour of OP's 12 year old is her fault.

That was a heartless and ignorant thing to insinuate.

Show quote history

I do I work with people with ASD and not one has excuses made for them. You clearly do not understand others as I am just doing what that child is doing but no allowance is given to me for some reason, why not? No they wouldn't, we were given appropriate means to let our emotions out and taught to channel our emotions without hurting others.

sixthvestibule · 30/07/2023 21:38

GoldenGhost · 30/07/2023 20:47

I just wanted to say @Fuckingfumin that you are your family are in my thoughts. It’s obvious (to anyone with a shred of empathy) that you love your children very much and are trying to do your best in an unbelievably difficult situation. Flowers

I wanted to post something like this but @GoldenGhost already said it better. Hang in there OP.

NeverThatSerious · 30/07/2023 21:39

I’m sorry for your troubles OP, and sorry that you seem to be getting so many responses from either behavioural experts or judgemental knobs… or both combined. I don’t blame you for being really upset about today, and think that’s quite a normal (given the circumstances!) response but I would try, if at all possible, not to aim too much of your upset at your husband. He may have been thoughtless but I hope not purposely slack. It was, after all, his fathers birthday.
Best of luck with your son, I really hope you can make positive headway with the help you’re now getting and the medication he has been prescribed, for all your sakes.

Thegoodbadandugly · 30/07/2023 21:40

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 21:35

We are absolutely 100% avoiding going to places and will continue to do so until he can be taken out in public without calling us cunts and telling us to fuck off, in front of everyone and ruining my poor 80 year old FIL's party/lunch.

For the last year we have been taking him with us to things like this.

Not once has he not managed to make it hell for us, embarrass us, scream at us to fuck off in front of everyone (my brothers wedding a few weeks ago springs to mind) and draw all the attention away from the person it should be about, to us.

I will, 100% be avoiding those situations until the medication kicks in or he gets old enough to manage his emotions better.

Please don't start talking deescalation as though we have not tried many many things over the last 12 months.

Show quote history

Avoiding situations is not going to help your son what so ever it will just make things worst, de escalation techniques work very well but you need to stick at it. Your son is going to feel like your constantly punishing him for having meltdowns, you could all have gone today and had a lovely day, had your son started then you could have left and taken him home on your own leaving your partner with your other children.

Treesinmygarden · 30/07/2023 21:40

AlfietheSchnauzer · 30/07/2023 20:39

You just described your own child (who has additional needs) as "awful", what the fuuuuck?! You talk about him as if you hate him! Yes he sounds out of control but treating him with disdain and pure hatred isn't going to help him!

Sounds like he (& you) needs respite care

Do you live in a situation like this?

OP probably does hate his behaviour. There's nothing wrong with that!

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 30/07/2023 21:41

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 21:29

I'm not making it about me, you were the one who said I didn't understand people who have such issues and I told you I was. Maybe you need to apply what you think to everyone else as you can't give others a break it seems.

Show quote history

You posted that the child could control his behaviour and was making a choice to be abusive at home. You made this comment without any context or mention that you have ASD. I find your original comment unhelpful and misinformed regardless of whether you yourself are actually ND or not. When challenged you then announced that you have ASD as if I should have already known this. And call me
a doughnut so I assume you are also 12. You then retreat behind your previously undeclared ASD as defence for any comments. Whilst also seemingly suggesting that because you don’t act like this - no one else on a spectrum should either. Which is bizarrely judgemental and narrow-minded. All of this is entirely irrelevant to OPs original question so I’m bowing out of our interaction. Have a good evening.

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 21:41

ReyFinn
Can you explain why a child and an adult are treated differently and things only apply to certain people who are ND and not others?

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