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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

701 replies

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:30

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 30/07/2023 21:12

My last was to @RedToothBrush

Olive19741205 · 30/07/2023 21:12

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 30/07/2023 19:52

I didn't really understand your post.

However, you are definitely being very unreasonable to say this about your own, pretty young, child:

we have children, one of whom ... is an awful violent, abusive individual.

You don't sound very nice, though I hope you feel less stressed and all works out well for you soon. Really hope your child has some support from someone caring

What a disgraceful post. How dare you talk to the OP like that when she's clearly struggling with what seems to be a horrendous situation. The fucking irony in your post to say "you don't sound very nice".

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 30/07/2023 21:12

JenniferBarkley · 30/07/2023 21:09

Disgusting. Way way way below the belt and completely undermines any point you think you may be making.

Show quote history

We’ll have to agree to disagree on that. Someone claiming to have ASD suggesting that a child who is masking - and then letting it all out at home - is making a choice? That is deeply unhelpful and just plain wrong.

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No not at all but I have just been masking all day so just letting off steam you know! My bad!

NewName122 · 30/07/2023 21:13

Olive19741205 · 30/07/2023 21:12

What a disgraceful post. How dare you talk to the OP like that when she's clearly struggling with what seems to be a horrendous situation. The fucking irony in your post to say "you don't sound very nice".

Show quote history

To be fair, imagine saying that about your own child. It's not nice.

JenniferBarkley · 30/07/2023 21:14

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 30/07/2023 21:12

We’ll have to agree to disagree on that. Someone claiming to have ASD suggesting that a child who is masking - and then letting it all out at home - is making a choice? That is deeply unhelpful and just plain wrong.

Show quote history

I agree the child is masking. I agree he's not making a choice.

That doesn't make your comment ok on any level.

Greaterwaterparsnip · 30/07/2023 21:15

I can't read any more of the horrible replies you are getting. I don't recall ever wanting to report a post for being simply breathtakingly mean.

So many thick, nasty responses.

If posters feel no empathy for poor OP then FUCK OFF and take your IGNORANCE and STUPIDITY elsewhere.

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 30/07/2023 21:16

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 21:13

No not at all but I have just been masking all day so just letting off steam you know! My bad!

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Not your bad. Your choice right?

MerinoCashmere · 30/07/2023 21:17

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:59

I do, I'm feeling like an absolutely crap individual who caused my home life to be as shit as it is by reading these replies.

So I really appreciate your kind and empathetic response. I needed to hear that, thank you.

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OP your life sounds hellish right now. I didn’t quite understand your OP but you have clarified.

Your husband should not have left you to it today without communicating clearly.

I work in MH and have an adult patient who has PTSD from growing up with an abusive sib who has ASD. The mum is still a victim of his adult strength and violence. You are not exaggerating anything I know.

I am so so sorry. All I can suggest is you each have one weekend of a shit day and an escape day. I have nothing else to suggest as I know support is so limited and I am guessing you have tried to get help. (Have not RTFT).

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 21:17

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 30/07/2023 21:16

Not your bad. Your choice right?

Show quote history

No us with ASD can't control it, remember! So you have to excuse me and whatever I say to you! I mean, that is what you said, right?

EllBellWell · 30/07/2023 21:20

I really feel for you. I have a son and I would be absolutely heartbroken in this situation. OP, you may feel like you aren't getting anywhere, but you're doing your best. You keep going, things will get better, I'm sure of it.

I completely understand why you're livid. You'll also be burnt out after fighting for so long to get support. Please try and take care of your mental health, easier said than done I know. One day your son will look back and know his strong and loving mum had his back every step of the way.

NewName122 · 30/07/2023 21:20

Letting off steam at home is different to being violent and throwing chairs. There is a choice there. The child obviously needs more support.

Treesinmygarden · 30/07/2023 21:21

Eastie77Returns · 30/07/2023 20:08

I’m sorry OP, it sounds really stressful.

I think some of the less understanding responses may be the result of the initial post which was a bit confusing. I’ve had to re-read your posts in order to understand what actually occurred and that your 12 yo was out in a park, I thought he was in his room the whole time and couldn’t understand where/how the bully appeared. It seems from a recent update that you have 3 DC although you only mention 2.

I also couldn’t (and still can’t) understand why you were livid at your DP waking up at 9.30 on a weekend.

Laying all that aside, I think those of us who have NT children really cannot fathom how difficult it is to manage and live with a neurodivese child. I hope the help you are receiving via the psychiatrist eventually pays off and things improve for your family.

Maybe because the OP had been up since sparrow's fart???

TalkingInTheKitchen · 30/07/2023 21:21

Some absolutely shameful responses on here. This is a mother clearly at the end of her tether in an unbelievably stressful situation. She has fought for help for her child and is doing her absolute best. OP I'm sorry you're getting such little support on here, you have every right to be upset and angry, I would be too.

I think someone upthread mentioned the Newbold Family support group on Facebook, it's a much more understanding and supportive place and also worth a look is Parenting Mental Health - also on Facebook - you'll be able to vent and receive support rather than the criticism you've had on here Flowers

Nevermind31 · 30/07/2023 21:21

I don’t understand… why didn’t you agree that he would do the morning and you’d get a lie in?
why didn’t he take the little one?

Bellumbella · 30/07/2023 21:21

If posters feel no empathy for poor OP then FUCK OFF and take your IGNORANCE and STUPIDITY elsewhere.

This.
Not only is the OP daily dealing with a complex and very difficult situation, tonight on her own, her child has just been attacked.

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 21:21

Glitterybee · 30/07/2023 21:04

YABVVVVU

Its his Dads 80th ffs and only 7pm!

I don’t think your son should be out on his own if his behaviour is so unpredictable. If he can’t behave with supervision god knows how he is when out with friends.

I would assume from how you’ve described hon in the OP that he most likely started the fight with the other boy!

Another one who just wanted to put the boot in without anything constructive to add

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 30/07/2023 21:22

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 30/07/2023 21:17

No us with ASD can't control it, remember! So you have to excuse me and whatever I say to you! I mean, that is what you said, right?

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He’s a 12 year old kid who’s just finished his first year at secondary school as is 5 days into his meds. Give him a break and stop making things about you? As PP said we’re all individuals not categories right?

Thegoodbadandugly · 30/07/2023 21:22

Op can I please ask was it today that your child threw a chair?

Treesinmygarden · 30/07/2023 21:24

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 30/07/2023 20:10

I find it really really hard to be only kind and sympathetic to someone who describes their own child as "an awful violent, abusive individual". He's 12. He is disabled. I am a bit shocked at how a lot of posters think this is fine. Nit saying the OP isn't struggling, but this child needs some support, and fast.

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How much do you actually know about getting support? Not much, apparently.

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 21:24

NewName122 · 30/07/2023 21:13

To be fair, imagine saying that about your own child. It's not nice.

Show quote history

I think this whole awful situation is past 'nice' . Don't you?

She's on her knees. Her husband couldn't even be arsed to get up and help before a lovely day out.

She's allowed a safe space to vent

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 30/07/2023 21:24

Olive19741205 · 30/07/2023 21:12

What a disgraceful post. How dare you talk to the OP like that when she's clearly struggling with what seems to be a horrendous situation. The fucking irony in your post to say "you don't sound very nice".

Show quote history

So, I'm taking it that you think it's ok to refer to your own 12 year old as "an awful violent abusive individual"? I see OP is struggling and I feel sorry for her. My own mother struggled, but doesn't excuse the way she spoke to me or the abuse I endured. You can empathise with someone's struggles while also feeling they are speaking out of turn about their child. I feel v sad and sorry for this 12 year old, and worry about their trajectory. I'm sorry if that's not what OP wants to hear. But she is having ample sympathy to balance things out.

I can dare to do whatever I like. I haven't sworn at the OP or called her a disgrace, as you have done to me.

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 21:25

NewName122 · 30/07/2023 21:20

Letting off steam at home is different to being violent and throwing chairs. There is a choice there. The child obviously needs more support.

You think?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 30/07/2023 21:25

WinterDeWinter · 30/07/2023 21:11

Reality doesn't change cos you dish out platitudes to help people feel better about themselves.

They were not platitudes - simply a recognition, which was beyond you, that right here, right now, this woman needs empathy.

I'm sure there are lots of ways she could 'be better'. I'm sure you're just the person to tell her how. But in the middle of the shittest day, when her husband has let her down and she is angry and guilty and ashamed and scared for the future - she just needed empathy.

Here here!

Here fucking here.

Lay into OP another time @RedToothBrush Send her a copy of your perfect parenting book for future reference. Give her your number so she can call you up and get you round to show her how it's done. But right now, back off.

NewName122 · 30/07/2023 21:25

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 21:24

I think this whole awful situation is past 'nice' . Don't you?

She's on her knees. Her husband couldn't even be arsed to get up and help before a lovely day out.

She's allowed a safe space to vent

Show quote history

Yes I know. Its a forum. Are we not on AIBU?