I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

[Fuckingfumin]

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

Sounds shit and I'm sorry but god yabvu. Don't push your DH away.

No empathy bypass. I feel sorry for OP. I just feel more sorry for the kid. That's ok you know! We can all have different reactions to what people post, and because of our past experiences some may place themselves in OPs shoes, and others in the shoes of DH or one of the children. We can all feel sympathy in different measure for different people in the original post. It's ok to think differently.

OP you're not unreasonable to feel angry hurt and let down. Sometimes we need a place/space to vent and let it out. Unfortunately I think the responses you have here have probably fuelled those feelings. When we don't have the 'normal' family experience we can already feel like we're failing at life and parenting. This may sound daft but have you tried venting on paper? That way you get to express yourself without any judgement. I know when I've found things hard with my ASD child no one has been able to judge me more than I judge myself.

As a PP has mentioned you can legally request a carers assessment which the LA have a duty to complete HOWEVER even if this comes back as eligible for respite it's like hens teeth to secure suitable places and they'll try everything else 1st. It may also result in LA deciding they have a duty of care under S17 (child in need) to offer support which you've mentioned may remove the key worker who you're finding helping so maybe a paperwork exercise for nothing. It doesn't help right now I know, but the support has only been in place for 1yr so a relatively short period of time for any significant changes to be made. Hopefully things will start to shift and soon. I really hope that you find some time to be kind to yourself in all of this.

Oh my days. It’s called masking. It’s not a choice. Ignorance is a choice though when one clearly has access to the internet for research purposes.

YABVVVVU

Its his Dads 80th ffs and only 7pm!

I don’t think your son should be out on his own if his behaviour is so unpredictable. If he can’t behave with supervision god knows how he is when out with friends.

I would assume from how you’ve described hon in the OP that he most likely started the fight with the other boy!

7pm is too late for a 12 year old to be out. I say this as a patent of an SEN child.

Yeah I'm ASD myself but no one made excuses for me as a child and oddly enough I never did anything like this!

I think a lot of posters are minimising what you’re going through OP. It sounds to me that you have a difficult family life, through no fault of your own, and each day is stressful. Many people can’t imagine what that’s like. Then today there was a stressful event that’s really pushed you over the edge.

You're doing everything you can. You can’t do more than that. That makes you a good parent IMO. To answer your question, YES, you’re allowed to be livid.

Not only is that incredibly offensive, it's also absolutely ridiculous. If there were any danger of that, do you imagine the other children's parents would let them play with OP's child, let alone that he would be attending a local secondary school?

Don't see why you are allowing a violent 12 year old out on his own. What if he hurts someone? If he is as badly behaved as you say I just do not understand this.

I also think it’s important to realise that whatever the words OP speaks in anger about her child doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him. She’s venting to get some support. It’s perfectly possible to have sympathy for the OP AND her child, who is also having a really horrific time.

It is very, very common for ND children to mask all day and then when they get home (i.e. into a space where they feel safe to unmask), they explode. It's often why diagnosis takes a while - school staff say the child seems fine but the child is holding it in all day. It's like slowly shaking up a can of Coke before opening it later.

I'm autistic and have ADHD so I can give you an adult's perspective, if that helps. I mask at a high level and it is truly exhausting. I'm the least confrontational, violent person you'll ever meet and if I become overwhelmed outside of my house, I go into "shutdown", where I kind of glaze over and can't speak.

However, I struggle with emotional regulation and if I become overstimulated at home, it doesn't take much to push me into meltdown. When that happens, it's like I'm possessed and I can't be reasoned with. I cannot be touched. I scream and sob, I hyperventilate, I punch and bite myself, I feel like I could rip the walls apart like The Hulk. I have to climb into bed and wrap myself in the duvet, using the pressure to regulate myself. It's not talked about a lot but many autistic children continue to have the "outbursts" they had as kids.

But despite feeling completely unable to control meltdowns in my house, I have never had one outside the privacy of my home. It's like my brain knows there is a boundary that can't be crossed, so I well believe that @Fuckingfumin 's DS isn't violent to anyone outwith his family.

What was the plan originally? So your 12 year old went to the park, presumably he got there on his own and would have come back on his own too except he encountered a bully and wanted you to collect him.

It sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back. You are going through a lot with your 12 year old, stuff that most people just won't appreciate. On top of all of that there is the arguing, advocating for him to get the appropriate support he needs and you all need as a family. Then another child (or 2?) to take care of, working full time and all of the other stuff like cooking, cleaning etc.

Your feelings are valid, your dh knew he was going to be out all day and you were going to have a rough time of it. It would have been nice of him to take over in the morning so you could have had some peace that day. Instead he's used the party as a day off from parenting, probably enjoyed himself and left later. It's not the end of the world and perhaps he felt he needed time off too but it sounds like he does this a lot. Is that true? Ultimately you'll need to talk about it at some point, if you are feeling unsupported it will only cause resentment.

Yeah your ignorance clearly! I am ASD you doughnut so yes I understand as I mask myself but NEVER ever do things like this as my parents would never tolerate it or make excuses.

It doesn't change the fact that the reality is, if this child is behaving like this, allowing them to still play with their mates give the message there is no consequences. Nor does it address the point that they are highly vulnerable and a potential risk to others and the parents are abdicating that responsibility. Even if they are struggling that responsibility doesn't go away.

The OP might be struggling but it doesn't help to pander to that and just give sympathy.

The child needs to be kept safe. So does the sibling.

Between the two parents there is a lack of adequate communication over who took what on today, when things got out of control and how the manage situations which are difficult by planning between them.

There were a pile of different ways to handle today. OP lashing out and saying it's impossible is just wrong.

It starts with communication. There is a whole pile of assuming going on between the two of them. And abdicating responsibility when either of them can get a moment to do so, because it's the easy option at the time. But it's not the only solution. It's because they aren't communicating that they are firefighting.

The husband could have taken the four year old. The husband could have taken the 12 year old. The OP could have phoned earlier. Or told the husband she needed help and to get up.

Neither is right or wrong. But they are working at odds to each other rather than together. And they are taking the easy option of allowing the 12 year old out because it makes life easier on a difficult day, even though it's not appropriate.

All these things add up and spiral until they get into a right old mess.

The OP needs to review the day and think about what could have been done differently. This is about trying to make changes and be critical of how it's started to go wrong early on.

Saying 'oh life's so tough no one understands' is about as useful as a chocolate teapot really.

Reality doesn't change cos you dish out platitudes to help people feel better about themselves.

I hear you, OP. I hear you.
Ignore the provocative, ‘I don’t understand’, ‘explain further’, ‘well, I would have done’ comments. You have more than enough to deal with. They’re only compounding your problems.
Keep venting. You have every need and right to.

Fucking hell. I'll direct you to my post upthread, too.

As you will have often heard, then, and maybe said - you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person.

Degrees, and variations as I said above.

Plus you have absolutely no idea what his comorbidities might be.

So much on this thread doesn't make sense - no mention of a formal diagnosis, no social worker yet a funded key worker, a violent child who is let to roam on the park..lots of swearing from the OP who keeps popping back to keep the argument going...

Disgusting. Way way way below the belt and completely undermines any point you think you may be making.

Or it's time for the OP to realize that her 12 year olds "uncontrollable" rages are not actually uncontrollable, they are timed conveniently.

I am picking on that one line because it was horrible to read. I feel deeply sorry for that kid. I can see the OP is struggling and I feel for her, but I also feel for the kid. And I feel more sorry for the kid than I do for his mum, because he's 12.

OP has posted on AIBU. And I think she is v v v unreasonable to describe her child this way. The fact he is fine with his friends and acts out at home likely is related to the way his mum feels about him. Of course there's more to it, but children aren't stupid. They pick up when a parent thinks they are "an awful, violent and abusive person".

To be fair, the posts on this thread are about 90% supportive of the OP, so I'm sure the odd one or two, which also acknowledge she's struggling but are also picking her up for a few things, including how she speaks about her own young son, won't be causing too much damage. If she had wnat d only sympathy, there are other boards. AIBU is a question, so some people will say - yes you are, and give reasons.

I do hope OP is ok, but for whatever reason, those words about her son have cut me deep. I feel deeply deeply sorry for this kid. It's just my view, and clearly I'm in the minority

I have a child with additional needs, and I 100% agree with everything you've said.

No I've just heard people like you put people down who have disabilities. I've seen a lot that is very true! And yes Jesus do people make excuses!

Reality doesn't change cos you dish out platitudes to help people feel better about themselves.

They were not platitudes - simply a recognition, which was beyond you, that right here, right now, this woman needs empathy.

I'm sure there are lots of ways she could 'be better'. I'm sure you're just the person to tell her how. But in the middle of the shittest day, when her husband has let her down and she is angry and guilty and ashamed and scared for the future - she just needed empathy.