I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

[Fuckingfumin]

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

Because some of us can see the frustration and desperation.

It's clear she does love him by how she's fighting to get him help

Just wanted to send my support @Fuckingfumin - I've been almost exactly where you are, but I was a single parent. I would be livid in your position today, too.

The only thing I would say to you is that when things are a bit calmer (I realise that might be a while), it might help to talk with your DH about better communication and more teamwork. Someone upthread nailed it when they said you need to tag team this one. It doesn't sound like it's particularly fair or equal at the moment and how could that not breed huge resentment.

So glad you have a good keyworker. My DS sadly ended up in care and never came home. He now has severe mental health problems as an adult. None of us got nearly enough support despite fighting for my family for years until I myself had a complete breakdown. I know that's just my experience, but I do empathise with where you are at. Take whatever help you can get, keep fighting for your children, but look after yourself as much as you can - in whatever form that may take.

💐

No. Clarification was not what they were asking for - and even if it were, do you seriously think the OP was asking for a reasoned, let's have all the facts response to her AIBU?

She was desperate and venting and needed kind words

I don't think it's fair to be angry with your husband for being out all day at his dad's birthday because you didn't agree a time he'd be home. I have read that you asked him a few times and he said he didn't know which is unhelpful from him. Maybe in future agreeing a time rather than asking could work? Neither of you were to know that your son would be attacked tonight.

Likewise with him being in bed this morning, could you have discussed that last night? Or woken him up if you needed him? If you were up with the kids he might have felt that it was all in hand, and if it wasn't, he could have been woken up to help?

It's completely understandable that you're livid though because it sounds like every day is a struggle, and it would have been ideal if he was at home or round the corner so that he could have helped. When you're under immense stress and pressure then any inconvenience is enough to trigger an angry response.

I'm glad you're getting the support you've been asking for now! Hopefully things will start to change for the better for you all.

God OP that sounds so hard, I'm so sorry. YANBU to be raging at the world. I do think YAB a bit U to resent your DH staying out for the birthday, not least because he's presumably on the verge as well, but

A) he should have been up at 6:30 to give you some downtime this morning
B) he should have stayed in touch about his plans, especially once he realised he wouldn't be back until after the 4yo's bedtime
C) he needs to give you a similar break at the earliest possible opportunity.

Fuckinfumin you yourself said you couldn't stop him doing out.

I get your utterly frustrated - I've been there.

But your saying your ds is uncontrollably violent and saying you can't stop him going out.

And are then saying you let your child you describe yourself as violent out alone unsupervised.

I'm certainly not judging any decision but you are changing your wording or implications of the situation in response to others posts.

I know a lot of people would like to help. But to do that we need to know what's actually the truth.

Did you let your ds out knowing there was a risk you'd have to rescue him or did he go out despite you saying no? Or do you not say no because you worry about a violent response to that?

Yes this is exactly what happened/is happening.

The trigger was the start of secondary school. He couldn't cope at all and it all came out at home.
Unfortunately though it hasn't ended with the school term.

He has started meds though, we are 5 days in and hopeful.

You do realise this thread isn't about you, right?

Do you realise how self centered you sound?

OP has every right to vent how she's feeling, you getting 'cut deep' is honestly ridiculous. Maybe stay away from the Internet.

Not unusually, Social Services are lying to you. Your child certainly meets the threshold for a care assessment because, by virtue of his disability, he meets the definition of being a child in need which means that SS have no choice but to do an assessment under section 17 Children Act 1989. They should also do carers' assessments of you and your DH as carers. And, as you have identified, your 4 year old qualifies because he is witnessing violence on.a regular basis.

It might be worth your while contacting solicitors with expertise in this area who offer legal aid (e.g. Simpson Millar, Coram, Irwin Mitchell, Sinclairs) at least to get advice. If any sort of legal action might be called for, you may well be able to get legal aid in your child's name.

Sorry OP, I totally sympathise, I've got an autistic 12yo and have had to drag my 3yo out of bed to collect her before (she was actually with DH but things had become too difficult between her and our other child). My 3yo also has SEN and life is fairly challenging right now although yours sounds harder, we're lucky DD is rarely violent.

Not spiteful, bitchy or faux concerned. Just giving my honest opinion and expressing that my sympathy mainly lies with the 12 year old. Clearly I'm in the minority.

I let my kid out because he isn't violent and abusive outside the home.

As I have said several times.

And during the times he has left without permission, the police have been called.

Why in earth would I have not let him out today to see his friends when it finally stopped raining?

I never really understand posts that say things like "I feel so sorry for your kid, look at how you speak about them" in response to posts like this.

Isn't this a parenting website? I know AIBU specifically has a reputation but if you don't post much, you may well post there thinking it's the most (and might be) the most active board as it also comes up a lot in google searches. I made my very first MN post on AIBU for that reason too.

People come here to express feelings they bottle up inside in the face of difficult feelings, specifically because the one relationship where it's not okay to criticise behaviour at face value and where you have to put up with frankly at times, a crock of shit, is parenting.

Shame on those of you who would come here and hear a woman talking about her angst at a particularly difficult (and avoidable) bad day and shaming her for having negative emotions.

The fact he is fine with his friends and acts out at home likely is related to the way his mum feels about him. Of course there's more to it, but children aren't stupid. They pick up when a parent thinks they are "an awful, violent and abusive person".

Or - he masks the rest of the time and unmasks where he feels safe.

difficult behaviour* not feelings

Hi OP
I know this might not be helpful but are the kids in bed now? Can you get yourself a nice drink and go have a lovely bath? Pathetic I know but it might just help you relax a bit and unwind a little. I know you wil probably have 101 things to get organised on a sunday night but instead of waiting for dh to arrive and start arguing and getting more upset then leave him a note saying had a shit day gone for an early night this this and this needs doing you can sort it please. Then sleep on it, You had a terrible stressful day and nothing you can do now will make it better arguing with dh wont help you any either right now. I hope you get the help you all need working well for you and your family. Tomorrow when you have had a good sleep you might feel more in a place to have a discussion with dh calmly. I am sorry your life is so tough right now really I am.Look after you too if you can a bit cos you sound like the glue that keeps it all together and they all need you.

So when did you have your empathy bypass??

I personally can't imagine how horrendous it must be to be dealing with the behaviour of this child 24/7.

I'm allowed to have a reaction to comments posted on a thread. A lot of people's immediate reaction to OPs thread was concern and sympathy for OP. My immediate reaction was concern and sympathy for the 12 year old. That's ok. She posted on AIBU not on a parenting board.

At no point has he been violent, abusive or beaten anybody outside.

So he can control it then. He is making a choice in his home then.

Great post @whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher - I'd second this

I cannot believe some of the responses on this thread.

To break it down, these are my thoughts, for what they’re worth.

Op’s husband of course should have been allowed to go to the lunch- and she didn’t say he couldn’t! But would have excepted him home earlier- better communication was probably needed but she was understandably angry when she realised he was hours away and a situation with the older one happened. I actually don’t think it’s the fact he wasn’t home, it’s the fact that because of the 12 year old, they can’t have a ‘normal’ life where it’s fine for Op’s husband or herself to go out for hours and leave the other one in charge of the kids because it’s too dangerous. It’s the not being able to have the ‘normality.’

Op hasn’t had a break. She works hard. And then has to deal with her husband lying in on the day he’s already getting to go out. That would make me really cross even with NT kids.

To all those saying things along the lines of, ‘just don’t let him out’. Do you have any idea what a strong, angry 12 year old with SEN issues could do?! Seriously. Kids of this age with issues are not just going to obey. Maybe if both OP and her partner were there to physically restrain him (and that’s a whole other issue).

To those saying get more help/respite etc. These services are just so unbelievably stretched and underfunded. It’s almost impossible.

To those saying the 4 year old won’t have been traumatised- imagine what he/she (sorry I’m not sure) is seeing every single day. The OP had managed to have a calm hour and get the child to bed and they then had to be dragged out half awake and contend with a sibling screaming and shouting.

I’m so sorry OP. 💐

I feel sorry for the OP going through all this, and feel her 12 year old is lucky to have such a strong mum. Venting is part of coping, and she should be met with support and empathy, not judgement and repeated questioning.

I'm getting really sick of you type of vipers. You've always been around but it's getting particularly nasty and I hope it becomes less tolerated.

OP, sounds like you and your DH need a very big conversation about how to manage things like this in the future. He should be able to give you a time frame and stick to it. If he is delayed or whatever, he calls you to let you know. Horrible things and situations feel less horrible when the end is in sight.

I understand that going along today was important to him and his dad. He was right to go. But he should have communicated clearly with you and done everything he could to make things easier for you.

You've not had a break at all this weekend between him working, sleeping in and then out all day today. I hope you've managed to find some time since you've got back to unwind. I think you're doing a great job.

Can I just ask, how old is the other child? You said you had 3. Just wondering how they deal with all of this?

He didn’t leave them “all alone” he left them with you, so that he could attend a family celebration for his elderly father’s quite possibly last ever milestone birthday. An 80th birthday is a big deal… neither of my parents lived anywhere near that long. Of course he didn’t want to come rushing back as soon as he’d finished his dessert.

You can’t expect him to literally never leave your side on the off chance that you find yourself having difficulties with your child/ren. And if/when he does go out, if you expect him to be back at a certain time, you need to say so.

Equally, perhaps it might help you to try and get even short periods of breathing space. A few hours here, an afternoon there if you can. Even if just to demonstrate to him how tough it can be for you.

I really, truly do feel for you and I can’t imagine how desperate you must feel, but I think in this particular instance your anger is misdirected. The situation you are in is horrific, and so unfair, but it’s not of your DH’s making, and his wanting to be with his family on such an important occasion is not unreasonable.