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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

701 replies

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:30

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:44

supersonicginandtonic · 30/07/2023 20:42

@Fuckingfumin does your son have a social worker?
My friends has a son very much like yours. Her social worker managed to get her some weekend respite. Not much but some. It enables her and her husband to spend time together and with their other child.
Does your son take medication? Sorry if you've already answered. I'm slowly reading through your thread.

No, I have begged for a SW.
We don't meet the threshold because he doesn't aim any of his violence towards the 4 year old.

In fact, we only just met the threshold for key work!

Who has been absolutely amazing since we got her about 4 weeks ago.
So im actually relieved he don't have a SW because we wouldn't have a key worker.

OP posts:
BubziOwl · 30/07/2023 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What an absolutely vile thing to say

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:45

itsgettingweird · 30/07/2023 20:44

And you're purposefully ignoring the fact that the OP has said he isn't violent towards other children

Doesn't matter. In my area if a violent child (especially one with send and is vulnerable) is found to have absconded home unsupervised the police will respond.

Lol.

OsirisservesAnubis · 30/07/2023 20:45

This sounds so unbelievably difficult OP.

Whilst I do not think DP was being unreasonable staying until 7pm when there was no agreement, I don't think YABU to be livid though.

I think you are livid at the situation, rather than at DH in this particular instance - seems like a cumulation of issues.

If the decision for him to go alone was made yesterday, then he absolutely should have got up this morning and done the parenting to allow you a break.

Is all sounds horrific. I'm glad you are finally getting support.

GrinAndVomit · 30/07/2023 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:45

itsgettingweird · 30/07/2023 20:44

And you're purposefully ignoring the fact that the OP has said he isn't violent towards other children

Doesn't matter. In my area if a violent child (especially one with send and is vulnerable) is found to have absconded home unsupervised the police will respond.

He did not abscond.

Why are you making things up?

I knew where he was. He was hanging out with his friends at the park.

As I said.

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 30/07/2023 20:45

RedToothBrush · 30/07/2023 20:43

Parents of a SEN child in DS's class have said this .

This child has attacked half the class with sticks and grabbed one child and held them up against a wall by their throat.

I simply don't believe it to be the case. If they can't manage their anger at home how are they managing to control it outside the home?

Show quote history

However understandable your concern about that particular child, maybe you should not direct it towards this woman who is, right now, really really struggling. Read the fucking room.

CopperSeahorses · 30/07/2023 20:46

I keep seeing respite care being mentioned but there is NO respite care out there, there are very few people who are willing to provide respite care. I qualify for respite care for my little one , the funding is available but there are no carers.

OP, I hope you can find a safe, understanding place to rant because heaven knows you need it. I will be holding you and all of your children in my thoughts.

GoldenGhost · 30/07/2023 20:47

I just wanted to say @Fuckingfumin that you are your family are in my thoughts. It’s obvious (to anyone with a shred of empathy) that you love your children very much and are trying to do your best in an unbelievably difficult situation. Flowers

Acourtof · 30/07/2023 20:47

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:32

What additional care?

A psychiatrist perhaps? Maybe a key worker as well? And the police when things are desperate?

All the things that has taken me a year to put in place?

Ah yes, all those things. Those things that we have. Them?

Show quote history

I work in residential and respite care in two areas… Learning Disabilities and Young Adult Mental Health. Referrals come through social services and there’s always more demand than beds available.

It sounds like you are already fighting for support though those channels. Wishing you all the best getting more help.

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:48

GoldenGhost · 30/07/2023 20:47

I just wanted to say @Fuckingfumin that you are your family are in my thoughts. It’s obvious (to anyone with a shred of empathy) that you love your children very much and are trying to do your best in an unbelievably difficult situation. Flowers

Thank you.

My 12 year old is bloody awesome. He's funny, cute, empathetic, caring and really intelligent.
I absolutely bloomin adore him. Thank you for seeing beyond my anger.

OP posts:
MILLYmo0se · 30/07/2023 20:48

Custardslices · 30/07/2023 20:16

So your 12 year old is violent and you can't deal with him yet let him go out alone so others have to deal with him.

Imagine if someone says or looks at him wrong.

How in the world would she stop him from leaving the house?! This is a 12 yr old that has the police called on him, smashes windows and hits his mother, does it really sound like a matter as simple as 'no you cant go out' would work?

Eviebeans · 30/07/2023 20:48

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:11

I did type and explain that about 3 times but deleted it because I could handle the back lash.

If I can't stop him smashing his windows through and throwing items at my head or beating me, I sure as heck can't stop him walking out when I ask him not to.

I'm ignoring any suggestions of "have you tried discipline or a reward chart" responses to this because I can't handle more BS.

Show quote history

absolutely agree with this. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to stop him leaving the house when he chooses to
This doesn’t sound like a situation that will improve with standard stuff like sticker charts etc and anybody suggesting stuff like that clearly have no clue
i am guessing that the OP and her husband are not sleeping properly and are tired, stressed, frustrated- it must be absolutely exhausting for the family

it must be really draining for both parents and frightening at times for the younger children

it would be really great if others with first hand experience could offer support and advice

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:49

This thread is literally giving me palpitations so I'm going to have to leave.

I'm sorry it's so awful for you OP. Fingers crossed you continue to get joy from the key worker 💐

ameanoldscene · 30/07/2023 20:49

A few posters making some odd and unhelpful suggestions, more posters asking for clarification. Anyone asking questions is being shouted at by other posters for 'not reading the thread', being mean, not uderstanding SN - those posters are the worst.

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 30/07/2023 20:49

ReyFinn · 30/07/2023 20:40

You're picking on that one line and isolating it as an excuse to kick the OP down, because it makes you feel high and mighty.

OP has clearly said she's had enough today, with zero support, do you really, truly have so little empathy and emotional awareness that you can't see that clearly the OP loves her children beyond anything and is doing everything in her power to help them, and it's just letting off steam.

Show quote history

I am picking on that one line because it was horrible to read. I feel deeply sorry for that kid. I can see the OP is struggling and I feel for her, but I also feel for the kid. And I feel more sorry for the kid than I do for his mum, because he's 12.

OP has posted on AIBU. And I think she is v v v unreasonable to describe her child this way. The fact he is fine with his friends and acts out at home likely is related to the way his mum feels about him. Of course there's more to it, but children aren't stupid. They pick up when a parent thinks they are "an awful, violent and abusive person".

To be fair, the posts on this thread are about 90% supportive of the OP, so I'm sure the odd one or two, which also acknowledge she's struggling but are also picking her up for a few things, including how she speaks about her own young son, won't be causing too much damage. If she had wnat d only sympathy, there are other boards. AIBU is a question, so some people will say - yes you are, and give reasons.

I do hope OP is ok, but for whatever reason, those words about her son have cut me deep. I feel deeply deeply sorry for this kid. It's just my view, and clearly I'm in the minority

Caprisunny · 30/07/2023 20:50

MILLYmo0se · 30/07/2023 20:48

How in the world would she stop him from leaving the house?! This is a 12 yr old that has the police called on him, smashes windows and hits his mother, does it really sound like a matter as simple as 'no you cant go out' would work?

Show quote history

Op says he did abscond. She was fine with him going out.

Caprisunny · 30/07/2023 20:50

Caprisunny · 30/07/2023 20:50

Op says he did abscond. She was fine with him going out.

Show quote history

Didn’t

WinterDeWinter · 30/07/2023 20:50

I will be thinking of you too OP. I hope you can find some pity in your heart for the arseholes who respond with criticism and (pleasurable) outrage rather than kindness to another human being who is at the end of their tether.

I think the FB group for the parents of ODD children that a poster mentioned above would be worth looking at if you haven't already.

ameanoldscene · 30/07/2023 20:51

@HungoverBeforeDrunk - totally agree

Twyford · 30/07/2023 20:51

RedToothBrush · 30/07/2023 20:43

Parents of a SEN child in DS's class have said this .

This child has attacked half the class with sticks and grabbed one child and held them up against a wall by their throat.

I simply don't believe it to be the case. If they can't manage their anger at home how are they managing to control it outside the home?

Show quote history

It's actually quite common. Children with social communication disorders tend to manage to hold themselves in and mask their difficulties in school and other places outside the home, and then explode as soon as they get home and are with people they perceive as safe. Your experience of one child is anything but universal.

Custardslices · 30/07/2023 20:51

@Caprisunny exactly

beeswaxinc · 30/07/2023 20:51

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 30/07/2023 20:42

A) Stop swearing at me.

B) So you disagree that he needs to communicate properly and agree to a max time out of the house on weekends, as opposed to him just making a guess as to what time he can get away with before the OP reaches the end of her tether? Really?

Show quote history

I don't have much experience of this but am starting to look into it as my 5 year old is showing signs of in my opinion neurodiversity possibly ADHD and is worsening since starting school.

I do believe that "normal"/authoritative parenting strategies often don't work on ND kids or even without the label, kids showing a clear difference in how they respond to life and order.

So OP picking battles and also having respite if the 12 year old is usually okay outside, I don't see how that's a negative for anyone.

Kids with behavioural difficulties are still human beings capable of functioning and they need more care and understanding from their parents, not less.

Ownbag · 30/07/2023 20:51

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 30/07/2023 20:01

It's because I feel really sorry for the 12 yr old. I can't imagine how horrendous it must feel to be described this way by your own, very angry, mum. Sure, I feel sad for OP that she's stressed. We r all stressed! Life is stressful. But the poor kid is just a child. He needs a mum that loves him and doesn't see him as such a bad person. Of course I feel a bit sorry for OP, but ai feel waaay more sorry for the kid. And I feel a bit sorry for the DH too.

As someone in the receiving end of a crazed and angry mum, while I have some sympathy, it's the children who need the support more. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Show quote history

Crikey , what a spiteful bitchy faux-concerned comment. She’s venting on here, not telling her kid she hates him. You’re just putting the boot in and enjoying doing so

OCDmama · 30/07/2023 20:51

I'm not sure why you've posted here OP. You're not asking questions or looking for a discussion - you just want everyone to agree with you.

The initial post is very confusing (I'm still not sure how many children you have or how old they are - you say 3 kids, 1 12yo, 1 4yo but I dunno about the other) and you're spitting at everyone replying in any way you don't like.

The consensus seems to be that no, you're extremely violent 12 yo shouldn't be out unsupervised, and you're husband hasn't done anything wrong.

Hope you get the right kind of support soon.