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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

701 replies

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:30

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 30/07/2023 20:39

FredWinnie · 30/07/2023 20:30

RedToothBrush · Today 20:02
RedToothBrush · Today 20:22

@RedToothBrush

My God you really put the boot in

So it's okay for the dad to sod off and abdicate all responsibility, but woe betide the mum who snuck a 1 hour break?

I said that a) if he was that bad the father should have taken him b) if he's that bad he shouldn't be out because the parents have no way of knowing if he's doing the same there

These are realities. Realities don't cease to exist even if they are hard to hear.

FredWinnie · 30/07/2023 20:39

@Fuckingfumin Fuckingfumin

Solidarity
I'm so sorry you're getting berated for doing your best
FWIW your DH should not have left you to cope for such an extended time
I really hope you see light at the end of the tunnel very soon

ItsNotRocketSalad · 30/07/2023 20:39

You'd be crazy not to be livid at being let down so badly that only now are you getting help. But I agree with others that your husband is the wrong target for your rage.

Please try to go out for a day yourself soon, even if you have to take the four year old. All of you need regular breaks from the 12yo.

supersonicginandtonic · 30/07/2023 20:40

@meercat23 I've read some, I haven't had the time to read them all, im slowly getting there.
You can't tell people they are being rude or mean when doing it yourself 🙄

Tapasgoofy · 30/07/2023 20:40

Twyford · 30/07/2023 20:38

OP has explained that he is not violent with his friends.

Show quote history

Right …. He’s still a vulnerable child with quite severe additional needs…. If he has severe additional needs and he’s vulnerable then he shouldn’t be out on his own in the first place.

BubziOwl · 30/07/2023 20:40

tattygrl · 30/07/2023 19:59

I think there are some replies on this post assuming that this situation is milder and more controllable than it is.

"Why would the 4 year old be terrified" and suggesting that OP needs to be more relaxed about her DH taking some chill time, and "you've only got one child to manage at home if 12 yr old is out!".

Naivety, sorry. OP is experiencing domestic violence from her oldest child. She's got a 4 year old to shield and try to give a "normal" childhood too, and is angry that her DH has taken a day as if there's not a crisis situation at home. DH may be objectively reasonable to take extra time at his dad's 80th birthday party, but in this situation, I can well understand OP feeling enraged and upset that she's been flying solo all day while he's had a lie in and stopped out late.

I've never experienced anything like what OP describes, and even I can tell that there's a lot of totally clueless people on this thread just excited to give a struggling mum a verbal bashing.

Anyone who doesn't feel the desperation in OP's posts is perhaps not very imaginative or emotionally intelligent.

I have nothing to suggest OP or anything that will help, I just want to send you all the best wishes Flowers

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:40

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 30/07/2023 20:37

You kinda did though. You describe this afternoon as leaving you for "too long". What is the limit? Is it 3 hours? 4? If you have one you need to mutually agree on one, especially if his family live a good drive away.

Show quote history

You need to make your mind up on what you're giving me grief for because it keeps changing.

No, I did NOT tell DH he could not go. Nor would I.

Yes, it would have been better to know that it would have been 4 hours

Its currently 20 to 9 and he still isn't home.

He left the house nearly 10 hours ago.

Yes he should have told me what time he planned on leaving and not just shrugged and said "I don't know" like he has 100 times.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 30/07/2023 20:40

But how the fuck do you imagine she can either stop him or supervise him whilst she has the four year old? What are you purposely not understanding? It's just so unbelievably stupid for you to agree with

I'm not purposely not understanding anything.

I said I agreed he shouldn't be out unsupervised - not that it's easy to stop him. (Actually I agreed with the promise of someone's else's post!!!)

There are things you can do if a violent child absconds alone. Police for a start.

I have my own neuro diverse child and have raised him alone. I actually do get it more than most people on this thread.

Maddy70 · 30/07/2023 20:40

WinterDeWinter · 30/07/2023 20:35

That's not your DH fault. He's visiting his father for his 80th birthday He's not in a strip club! He's entitled to do that.

@Maddy70 there is no 'entitled' when things are at the kind of extremes that the OP is living with.

As sad as it is, and as difficult as you find it to comprehend, the parents of children with severe SEN just have to do what needs to be done. Thank your lucky stars you live in a world where 'entitled' is a thing.

I have an autistic child I know very well about the violent outbursts. I would definitely have sent my husband off happily to his father's 80th birthday and hoped he and his dad would have had fun together. You have to live with this and not parents need respite from it.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 30/07/2023 20:40

Bb234 · 30/07/2023 20:31

Hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but why couldn’t your husband take the younger children and you stay with the 12 year old?
why didn’t anyone book an Uber for said 12 year old to come home? He’s old enough to use a taxi I take it? I’m just trying to think of things that might have made this situation easier, I feel your frustration is from feeling trapped with a really stressful home life you have at the moment and it sounds really difficult. ☹️

He was being beaten up. How would an Uber help?

ReyFinn · 30/07/2023 20:40

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 30/07/2023 20:10

I find it really really hard to be only kind and sympathetic to someone who describes their own child as "an awful violent, abusive individual". He's 12. He is disabled. I am a bit shocked at how a lot of posters think this is fine. Nit saying the OP isn't struggling, but this child needs some support, and fast.

Show quote history

You're picking on that one line and isolating it as an excuse to kick the OP down, because it makes you feel high and mighty.

OP has clearly said she's had enough today, with zero support, do you really, truly have so little empathy and emotional awareness that you can't see that clearly the OP loves her children beyond anything and is doing everything in her power to help them, and it's just letting off steam.

FredWinnie · 30/07/2023 20:41

RedToothBrush · 30/07/2023 20:39

I said that a) if he was that bad the father should have taken him b) if he's that bad he shouldn't be out because the parents have no way of knowing if he's doing the same there

These are realities. Realities don't cease to exist even if they are hard to hear.

Show quote history

But it was okay for the dad to fuck off and leave the mum to cope on her own? Seriously?

WinterDeWinter · 30/07/2023 20:41

Mean, and also very poorly informed about how children with the kind of difficulties the OP's son has very often only take out what to them is literally unbearable frustration and anxiety on those who love them. Because they feel safe doing so, in a world where nothing else feels safe.

Cheeseplantt · 30/07/2023 20:41

I can quite see why you are livid and I would be too. In your situation, my DH would have been up with the DC to give me a lie in until 11 when he left & we would have agreed when he would be home by.

I feel that some people don't understand how bad your home life must be. You and your other DC are experiencing domestic abuse. In any other case, social services would insist that the abuser be immediately removed from your home to protect your children from the damage of living in this situation, but because its a child who is the abuser you are all expected to live with it. So apparently they only suffer if the abuse is from an adult and not a child - its messed up. It's an awful way to live & I commend you for coping as well as you do.

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:41

Caprisunny · 30/07/2023 20:38

Most people commuting domestic violence aren’t doing so because of the same reason this child does.

Most people committing DV do not have uncontrollable rages.

It’s not similar at all.

Show quote history

The fact is there are zero instances of him hurting another child and countless ones of him hurting the OP and at least terrifying her four year old.

I know which option is pick the letting him out when the OP is on her own

No evidence to suggest he's going to hurt an outside kids, plenty of evidence he will cause trauma at home if she makes him stay.

pinksheetss · 30/07/2023 20:41

I think you are being unreasonable with the anger toward DH and it seems like anger from your life and easy to just direct at him

Life sounds very tough and I really feel for you and do think you need to reach out for help as a family overall.

Your DH took time out for a big birthday with his father. It's not like he went out to the pub for a few. You both need to get some time to yourselves which is why I think trying to see what help is available to you is best

bookworm44 · 30/07/2023 20:42

Whippetlovely · 30/07/2023 20:38

Op the people on here don’t understand how hard it is to live with an abusive child. My brother had adhd and outbursts and was hell to live with at times. You stating this fact doesn’t mean you don’t love your son , I recall my dad telling me he hated my brother once and that he wished he wasn’t born. He loved him of course but was so stressed out with him and the police constantly coming round , the arguments it was making him very sick. He of course loved him it was just the stress of it all. All parents unconditionally love their kids sometimes they need to vent. it’s impossibly hard to deal with a child like this. Ignore the comments because they wouldn’t be saying my darling son if they lived with that shit day in day our you are at the end of your tether. And saying he can’t go out you can not physically restrain a child. My mum used to take my brother to school he would then walk out no adult could stop this from happening. It doesn’t mean op doesn’t care about her son or try her best for him. Please don’t take this out on your husband though he is right to see his dad and probably part of him didn’t want to come back and needed a break (as do you). Parents with children like this are much more likely to split up because of the stress. You need to work together. Take some time out both of you at different times. If you have any family or friends that could come round whilst the other parent is out getting me time do this. And try and spend some time as a couple. My mum and dad always went out once a week and made it happen we had older sensible cousins to babysit and they weren’t far away in case anything happened. It sounds like your son is more violent than my brother but hopefully when you can get some help you can get some time back to cool off and be you.

I beg to differ, not all parents unconditonally love their children.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 30/07/2023 20:42

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:39

You are fucking clutching at straws, nitpicking over something completely in your head against a woman who is clearly having a traumatic time in a quite frankly (currently) awful sounding life.

Why the fuck is that?

Show quote history

A) Stop swearing at me.

B) So you disagree that he needs to communicate properly and agree to a max time out of the house on weekends, as opposed to him just making a guess as to what time he can get away with before the OP reaches the end of her tether? Really?

supersonicginandtonic · 30/07/2023 20:42

@Fuckingfumin does your son have a social worker?
My friends has a son very much like yours. Her social worker managed to get her some weekend respite. Not much but some. It enables her and her husband to spend time together and with their other child.
Does your son take medication? Sorry if you've already answered. I'm slowly reading through your thread.

beeswaxinc · 30/07/2023 20:42

I haven't read the whole thread, just your page 1 responses but the pain, frustration and end-of-tether-ness is ringing out from you so clearly.

I don't have any advice but I really really hope things get better for you Flowers

RedToothBrush · 30/07/2023 20:43

Twyford · 30/07/2023 20:38

OP has explained that he is not violent with his friends.

Show quote history

Parents of a SEN child in DS's class have said this .

This child has attacked half the class with sticks and grabbed one child and held them up against a wall by their throat.

I simply don't believe it to be the case. If they can't manage their anger at home how are they managing to control it outside the home?

Summermeadowflowers · 30/07/2023 20:43

Maybe just try taking her word for it.

WinterDeWinter · 30/07/2023 20:43

Maddy70 · 30/07/2023 20:40

I have an autistic child I know very well about the violent outbursts. I would definitely have sent my husband off happily to his father's 80th birthday and hoped he and his dad would have had fun together. You have to live with this and not parents need respite from it.

Show quote history

Bully for you. You should not extrapolate from your own situation onto the OPs. You must know that there are massive gradations and variations between children - but mainly, you shouldn't have done it because it's fucking mean and smug and bullying and kicking a woman when she's down.

WunWun · 30/07/2023 20:44

A) not a fucking chance. I'll swear at who I like thanks.

B) i was responding to your nitpicking alone.

itsgettingweird · 30/07/2023 20:44

And you're purposefully ignoring the fact that the OP has said he isn't violent towards other children

Doesn't matter. In my area if a violent child (especially one with send and is vulnerable) is found to have absconded home unsupervised the police will respond.

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