Does it really have to be like this with babies?

[Juno999]

Just from one or two friends who've had them in the last year. One friend says they won't be leaving the UK for several years now that they have a baby. It's not a monetary issue, they are very high earners.
I mean it's their choice of course, just seems a bit restrictive.
Both friends have incredibly strict naptime routines. Maybe it helps with the baby's sleep at night, but they will never deviate from the routines, the entire days revolve around them.
I suppose I was naive, I know some babies will only sleep in certain places but overall they're portable. I'd always thought I'd take my baby with my where I went, rather than limiting how much I can go out or do anything due to very strict naptimes.
Sorry if this all sounds naïve.

We've been away every summer with DC since they were babies! :) Great fun!

Nap routine and meal times did rule my life a bit for the first couple of years. Wish they hadn't, but they did!

Well 2 points- firstly it was to show the OP that it is not ‘necessarily’ nightmarish.

But in relation to others I think some people really make a mountain out of a molehill. It’s one thing to say “I don’t want to.” but quite another to say “It’s not possible”. (OK trekking to Machu Pichu with 3 pre-schoolers isn’t going to happen, but trekking in the Alps definitely does.)

If you want it to be possible- it will be possible. Are there specific things you find overwhelming -maybe I could advise.

My two were sods about going to sleep, but tended to find it easier in prams/ cars which is less restrictive than the type who need total black-out, silence in their own cot.

The earliest flight we did was at 4m to see family, and that was pretty straightforwards. We did a few UK caravan holidays in the early years, partly to reduce the stress of night wakings and other people in close proximity, and partly because of multiple food allergies.

Our first "proper" holiday abroad was at 3y/ 18m when I was happier about the state of allergies and not breaking DS1 with hotel food, although debatably a tour of Ireland in our car 18m earlier was sort of an international holiday hibrid.
Anyway, many years later DS1 fondly remembers the holiday and it was worth it.

While holidays with very young children do contain a significant amount of same shit different location (especially when nappies are involved) it is still good to have a change of scenery and an open mind about going away as to what works for both parents and baby. Different levels of compromise work for different babies/ parents.

Babies ( in the main) are quite stressful and have a habit of causing chaos and depriving you of sleep and sanity. This is why people get a bit twitchy and obsessional about routines as sometimes it’s the only way of getting a few minutes peace/ sleep.

It doesn’t have to be like anything.

My baby sleeps 5pm - 7am, which I would
love to maintain, so I am strict with naptimes. We have no intention of a foreign holiday for a few years either. Your priorities change when you have a baby. But, I will say this, I thought it sounded like hell too, but it is utter bliss. I’ve loved every second. So, I hope your friends aren’t putting you off!

These are two really different questions.

On routine, I think it depends on the baby and the parents. My DS1 was on quite a strict nap routine and was a terrible nighttime sleeper. Most of his napping years were during lockdown though so we didn't have much else to do.

DS2 is the smiliest, most go with the flow type toddler and I have been way more relaxed with his routine as well. He started sleeping through the night reliably at 8 months without any sleep training; I could/can just breastfeed him around bedtime for 15 minutes to relax him and plonk him down in his cot. He's just slotted into all our existing routines really easily.

On foreign holidays - my two haven't been abroad yet and eldest will be 4 in December. This is partly because flying sounds like a nightmare but also because of the expense. I've got a family member getting married in Greece next spring and the cheapest we can find flights and accommodation for the 4 of us is £3,000 for a week!

That said I'm currently writing this from a lovely UK holiday. I'm in Devon in a holiday cottage, kids have been running around on the beach rockpooling and in the amusement arcade at our complex all day, we got fish and chips for tea, they've been down for 3 hours now and DH and I are chilling in front of the telly with some wine. It's gorgeous here. It's not at all same shit different place because neither DH nor I are working so we can actually spend family time together. I'm not missing foreign holidays at all right now.

The only place i read about people being restricted with babies is on MN.

I'm surrounded by people who have had babies and the babies have slotted in to their life - simply because they have to! Horses still needed feeding twice a day, for example. Stay away horse shows still happened - it just had to work so they made it work. Going to festivals etc, nothing changed. Happy babies growing up with active families. It was how me and my siblings were raised too.

Both babies were 4 months old on their first abroad holiday. Which meant, when the youngest was 4 months, his brother was 2.5 years. I'm not saying it was always easy, but it was worth it.

Mine had strict nap times too, which helped with the sunbathing 😂

My baby thrived on routine and napping in familiar surroundings. Every nap attempt in stroller, car seat etc failed. However naps were over at round the age of 2 - 2 and a bit. Due to infant-hood (I was too overwhelmed having to think all that had to be packed that first year) and covid we couldn’t travel the first 3 years. I’d say if covid wasn’t a thing we would have stared at about age 2 as that’s when I felt more settled.
From the age of 3 we did few long haul, several shorter trips (4hrs+ flying) and he loves travelling.

I think for most people, it doesn't have to be this way, no. I travelled with mine when young - it's not as difficult as it might seem - but some people are anxious and maybe it just seems overwhelming for them. Maybe they can't afford it (even if you think they can), maybe their mental health is shot, whatever and the 'it won't work for the baby' is just an easy enough explanation.

I do have some friends who were obsessive about baby napping though. Literally, fork down in the middle of lunch at ours, pack everything up and run out the door at the first sign of tiredness, singing and clapping the whole way home to keep tired baby awake, so that they could sleep in their cot in a dark room at exactly the correct time. It seems madness to me. But if that's what you need to do to get by, then I guess that's what you have to do. I think for a rare minority, it's necessary. I think for lots of people though it's anxiety about routines and probably unnecessary. I do get people are exhausted (been there, done that), but there has to be a balance with quality of life as a whole, seeing friends, getting fresh air, eating a meal, getting support from others etc., the things that are lost if you literally never leave the house because of the nap schedule.

Amazed by people who think those of us who need to stick to baby’s routine are doing it for fun 🤣

Im currently nursing and cosleeping my 5th baby, my babies have slept wherever as
long they have me next to them and the boobies for milk, we have always stayed home for the first 3/4 months and then travelled somewhere in scotland,no air travel etc.

It is too by choice not because of the funds, i want chill get a away where i can stop whenever i want to nurse the baby and i can take it easy, not stress about making it next flight in airport with milk dripping boobies baby crying etc.

Things change when you become a mum travelling is not so attractive,some do but most prefer netflix and cuddle at home with baby

Even for 1 night you have to take so much stuff with you, it’s just doing the same things less conveniently and in an non-babyproofed place

We travelled always with ours (3) from very young 4/5 months old always within Europe/Canaries. A family member with 6 kids travelled abroad with them from being very young. Loads of our friends have 3-4 kids always travelled when they were young. My DSis travelled transatlantic 11 hour flights with hers annually to meet family from very young ages.

There is no such thing as a portable baby imho. That is a MN myth. 2 of my kids have ASD, one of the ND was an absolute terror for sleep and a complete flight risk but we just got on with it. The other two were easier but they had their own challenges. Both DH and I are very go with the flow and DH runs and is extremely fit which helped enormously with the chasing after the flight risk/come escape artist who no exaggeration as a small tot ran everywhere morning, noon and night and on holidays he was relatively unconfined compared to how we could set things up at home. I actually breast fed him for a much longer time than I would have otherwise to keep him in one place for brief periods for a bit of peace. We actually had brilliant holidays too which I look back on very fondly.

It all depends on so many factors. My baby is nearly a year old and we've been on a few foreign holidays, including one that involved a transatlantic fight. The flights have actually been ok, and some babies are fairly portable. BUT and it's a major but, there can be a price to pay. Travelling around lots on our last trip seemed to dislodge our baby from sleeping through the night, and it took a week or so after getting back to get her sleeping through again. That was tough with being back at work, and we ended up being pretty tired instead of refreshed!

Sleep is such a major thing for parents (because it's HARD getting woken up a lot!), so try not to judge your pals if they doing what they need to to get that precious sleep...

I don't do anything that derails the bedtime routine, and so haven't taken our baby out in the evenings since she was younger (until I think about 6 months old she would stay asleep in the pram, so we could get away with it). We take it in turns to be out late, or get a babysitter.

By contrast, we are fairly relaxed about going out during the day, even though it can mean a later nap (or a nap in the buggy) for our baby. But not all babies will sleep in a buggy. If babies are tired and can't get to sleep, they cry... which isn't fun for anyone.

Routine seems like a drag but I cling to ours a bit because our baby has slept through from young without us having to let her cry... and although there's no way to know if that's due to her routine, I don't want to upset the applecart by messing with what works.

Also often going abroad means no childcare: your friends might like to stay local where family or trusted babysitters can give them some time off... Our next major trip will be to an all inclusive resort with a baby club... the younger me would probably scoff but there we go: we all change!

It's because babies can quite often be in pain (e.g. teething), and they get colds/fevers. Poor little things.

We buy a lot of bonjela for the same reason.

I hope you don't glare at the mums in the pharmacy, they are doing their best!

Haha yes, we went away for the weekend recently and as we were leaving the house with – pram stuffed to gills with rain cover, parasol, snoozeshade, sunhat, SPF, water cup, changing bag hanging off the back, each of us wearing a sling/baby carrier, giant suitcase because blackout blind, white noise machine, cot sheet and sleeping bag (as he settles better away from home with the familiar smells), plus the clothes and toiletries for four, but also snacks and train lunch in another bag because a Greggs pasty at Euston won’t cut it for a preschooler and a baby, with damp flame in a Tupperware and spoons and pouches, and the preschooler’s rucksack with toys and Very Important Things To Bring and a colouring book for the train – our lovely neighbour wished us well with “going away for the summer”.

In fairness he was much more portable as a newborn and didn’t need half the sleep paraphernalia; it’s as they get bigger and more aware you need to work at the sleep a bit more. And once they can navigate a sandwich and don’t put food in their ears you can pack a bit lighter too.

"the things that are lost if you literally never leave the house because of the nap schedule."

The 'nap years' last about 3ish years give or take. It's not 'anxiety' that makes parents choose processes that make their lives a little less stressful.

Dealing with a strung out baby who just cries for hours because you wanted a skinny decaf mochaccino with oatmilk and low foam, is miserable. Why would you put yourself through that for a Starbucks?

If you have flexible babies, great but don't condescend to those who don't and blame it on anxiety. Coffee and lunch dates aren't going anywhere - there's plenty of time once naps are done - just do what works for you, eh?

I'm guessing it's the same crew who once your kid gets to school are always at you to help out with the PTA. They hate being alone. I quite liked being alone before I had my kids and now I bloody love it. I love my kids but if I hadn't had that 90 minute lunch break and Skyrim session every day till I went back to work I'd have gone round the bend.

Quite @Anycrispsleft
I mean my horrendous babies are now 21, 18 and 14 and the time I spent making sure they got a decent nap during the day so I could down tools for a while and just stop, is a distant memory. Although my 21 year old autistic ds continues to need a considerable amount of help that still feels overwhelming as a single parent of 3, even at their ages.

Kids don't come preprogrammed. And a lot don't come with the memo that they're not doing what they should to make our parental lives easier!

The question of the OP in thread title was "does it have to be like that". Not "can it be like that for some people "?

Quite clearly, it doesn't have to be like that.
Of course some babies are horrendous sleepers or car sick and make travelling difficult.
But I often fly a route with our child in a plane full of parents with babies and toddlers, as it serves mainly EU workers visiting family. The moral of the story IMO, is that it's a choice. Like everything, babies and toddlers get used to things like travel. And whilst some cry on the plane longer than others, some are running around the airport with parents running after, some have SEN and need more patience etc... we somehow all muddle through.

OP, when I was single I felt very let down by the behaviour of friends like you describe. I was determined to be different and if you are too, you don't need to worry about being stuck in one place.
I have friends who used mat leave to backpack around Australia with the baby. One step too far for me but basically, parenthood is also largely what you make it.

If things seem ott to you now, if you become a parent, it's unlikely those views will change. You'll just "live and do whilst tired" :)