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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does it really have to be like this with babies?

196 replies

Juno999 · 30/07/2023 13:26

Just from one or two friends who've had them in the last year. One friend says they won't be leaving the UK for several years now that they have a baby. It's not a monetary issue, they are very high earners.
I mean it's their choice of course, just seems a bit restrictive.
Both friends have incredibly strict naptime routines. Maybe it helps with the baby's sleep at night, but they will never deviate from the routines, the entire days revolve around them.
I suppose I was naive, I know some babies will only sleep in certain places but overall they're portable. I'd always thought I'd take my baby with my where I went, rather than limiting how much I can go out or do anything due to very strict naptimes.
Sorry if this all sounds naïve.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 31/07/2023 06:41

Babies can be portable. My dc would nap anywhere. It was easier to get them to nap in a pram than a cot. I also trained them to sleep in noisy conditions. I didn't want to be stuck to home at set times.

Before aged 1 we did 3 foreign holidays and a uk break with dc1. Then stuck to twice a year abroad once in the uk.

Holidays aren't as much fun once you have dc.

autienotnaughti · 31/07/2023 07:15

My first 2 were very portable, they would just fall asleep were ever we were.the third was a very screamy child and had specific nap times ideally at home. We were ruled by this . Luckily it prepared us as he has asd so we lead a very structured life now. Be empathetic to your fri and see how it is for you

autienotnaughti · 31/07/2023 07:18

Also we waited until our dc was 7 to go abroad mainly because we felt they would enjoy uk holidays more and we didn't want to sully our holiday memories by doing abroad with a toddler😂

Berklilly · 31/07/2023 07:29

Beyond the naps concern, there is the practicality of taking a baby/toddler on a plane. With an 18mo and a 2mo, we travel with a loads of stuff (travel cot, car seat, pushchair, toys,...) and I would find it difficult to manage with less - although I know lots of parents do it so it's also personal preference.

At the moment we go were we can drive, so UK or France. When they are older and can enjoy walking and visiting places we will take them further abroad, hopefully 4-5 yo.

But also our toddler only naps in a bed, usually 3h in the afternoon and sometimes 1-2h in the morning. Then he goes to bed at 7-8pm (he wakes up very early). That would massively limit what we can do within foreign countries opening hours, and yes we can skip/shorten a nap here and there but only occasionally.

Basketballqueen · 31/07/2023 07:31

Their babies their rules.

seems a bit weird to just decide now not to travel etc to me but we travelled, mainly for family reasons, and had babies who would sleep anywhere.

Worldgonecrazy · 31/07/2023 07:41

Mine was very portable and easy going. It probably helped that we have always done long car journeys, no routines, no lifestyle changes, and I took the advice of not being quiet during daytime naps so baby learned to sleep through anything. Now she’s a teen she sleeps through her alarm clock! Hmm?

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 31/07/2023 07:48

My babies were quite portable, I was never one to be ruled by nap times. Dd2 hated sleeping anyway no matter where she was so being at home or not didn’t make any difference. some people prefer to stick to a strict routine and that’s their choice, I used to find it a bit frustrating when making plans with friends, but you have to do what you have to do to make life easier.

I get not wanting to go abroad though with a baby. You still have to do everything you have to do with the baby, just in a hot and unfamiliar environment. The baby will probably not really enjoy it and may well be a lot less settled than at home. Abroad holidays are lost on under 5s. So unless you’re desperate to to, there’s not much point.

Boomchuck · 31/07/2023 07:58

My experience with babies is that you can either have predictability with the baby’s sleep or you can have flexibility, but usually not both. Parents choose what they think will give them the best quality of life. 🤷‍♀️ Some people value the sleep predictability, others value the flexibility. I think it’s a bit ignorant and mean to judge parents on what they choose as different people are allowed to value different things.

Our first were twins and we had a really strict nap schedule because without it, we were really getting no sleep (one would wake up just as the other was going to sleep, as infinitum). The nap schedule meant they slept so much better at night and I also had predictable times of the day when I could sleep or get stuff done. We did, however, take them on holiday to all sorts of places. We went to Asia when they were 3 months old. I am a big believer in traveling with babies whilst they are free and immobile!

My third needed to be a lot more flexible with her nap times as I had the other two to think about. She was a happy and portable baby, but the sleep was very unpredictable and she took about 2 years to sleep through the night. That was not such a big deal for us, though, because there was just one of her. 😅

Berklilly · 31/07/2023 08:07

aus12 · 30/07/2023 14:15

I was very relaxed about naps for the first 10months but not anymore. He needs to nap in the car or cot at set times or else he just won’t sleep. I’ve tried walking for hours in the pram & he won’t go no matter what. I tried to go to the zoo yesterday with a friend, tried to go with the flow & ignore the nap schedule & it was a living nightmare. Had a screaming baby who was awake for 8hrs despite being so incredibly tired & wouldn’t even fall asleep in the car. Lasted a whole 90mins at the zoo so that was a waste of money

Yes this! This is the reality of "babies are portable": hours of screaming and screeching...😖

Also it's not about whether you are strict with routines or not. I absolutely wasn't until he stopped napping in the pushchair. And once you get to that stage it's easier to have a loose routine so you can try to plan stuff around it.
It will also depend on your childcare situation: nursery or childminders might have set routines and the kids get used to it.

TarquinOliverNimrod · 31/07/2023 08:18

All babies are different, some are high needs and cranky. My 10m son is easy going and adaptable. He comes everywhere with us. As far as overseas holidays go, we’ll only go to somewhere with a crèche otherwise it’s not really a holiday watching a v mobile and active baby that needs entertaining every minute of the day.

Peony654 · 31/07/2023 08:21

YANBU - everything’s a choice. Maybe they are friends you drop for a while…

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 31/07/2023 08:26

Holidays abroad with toddlers would be depressing to me. All the same shit as at home, but without your home comforts like baby gates, washing machine, separate bedroom to escape to when they go to sleep.

I remember we went away when our first was 9 months old. It was fun, but also tedious. We just sat around whispering to each other once he was asleep. I'd rather save my money and put it towards holidays abroad once they can go into a kids club!

Original poster
Juno999 · 31/07/2023 08:30

What if you've family abroad though?

OP posts:
Whatames · 31/07/2023 08:37

Depends on the baby. I have been really lucky to have chilled babies. We’ve not been abroad as we can’t afford it but have just come back from a festival with 4 kids including a baby and toddler. Toddler napped on floor at night under coats and baby in her pram whilst we watched the bands . I don’t know what the answer is though—I have kids that have no bother sleeping wherever. I love my sleep and think they have inherited it. I have never been rigid in nap times or chained to the house….but that’s because they haven’t needed it. If they do a crotchety kid is no fun anywhere

professionalnomad · 31/07/2023 08:52

I traveled extensively with my baby - they are easy and portable. My toddler not so much - its just AIs with a nice kid's pool now.

I am a pretty easy going parent but I always kept to nap times because both my kids were such devils if they were tired it was easier for everyone all round. Small baby happy to sleep on the go but we're always back home by 13.30 with the 2.5 year old so they can nap.

whatabeautifulwedding · 31/07/2023 09:03

Juno999 · 31/07/2023 08:30

What if you've family abroad though?

They travel to you for a while?

Matronic6 · 31/07/2023 09:21

So both our families live abroad and we have visited them with our 1 year old. Staying with families is easier as we our not paying accomodations costs and actually have babysitters on hand which means we can go out for a meal or do something together. For me, it would not be worth paying the money for a holiday when so much of our day is determined by baby's needs and especially having to be back at every evening for 7pm. Just feels like a complete waste of money for time being.

Before I had a baby, I thought my life would stay the same but soon realised baby was much happier/settled with a routine. We pretty much stick to it about 80% of the time, and do some naps on the go at weekends to see friends etc.

ActDottie · 31/07/2023 09:25

We are due January and planning an abroad holiday next year but looking at all the logistics and extra things to take part of me thinks we may stay in the uk for the next few years. My other friend with a 4 month old has already been abroad with baby twice and is looking at New Zealand with baby next year!!! Madness in my mind but I think different parents do different things and worry about different things.

stayathomer · 31/07/2023 09:26

We had a number of babies on our flight this year and my god the poor parents trying to keep them quiet while non sympathetic people openly tutted! Then you deal with not having your own stuff with you to ease them when you’re on holiday or you need to keep them in the shade etc- I can totally see why you wouldn’t bother taking them abroad until older. As for the nighttime routine-I had two sleepers, two non. Over tiredness if things don’t go to plan results in you being awake at 2 3 and 4 and them cranky the next day. (Ps I make parrying sound awful but there’s so many pros than cons but they do just become your right arm, always there in a lovely way but other people don’t always understand it’s easier to have them there than not)

oneforyou22 · 31/07/2023 09:29

I didn't just because I didn't feel it would be a a holiday, but could imagine it being quite stressful. We first went abroad when ds was 3 and that was hard enough, couldn't imagine them being any younger. I have a friend with 2 dc, aged 20 months and 7 months and they have been Dubai, Majorca and enjoy it.

DappledThings · 31/07/2023 09:33

WWYDIYWMRN · 31/07/2023 05:05

My youngest is 5 and still not taken him abroad, because what's the point? He's just as happy in a caravan 30 miles up the road, and honestly I don't want the hassle. Probably going to do it next year for an extended family holiday

We've done it because holidays aren't just for the DC. We want to go on holiday and see new places too so DC come with us. We stay in bigger hotels with pools than we used to and stay in one place generally rather than a couple of days here then a train somewhere else for now but otherwise we have the same kind of holidays we had pre-DC.

From the beginning we said we would try to be flexible but not get frustrated if we couldn't be. Bought tickets for our usual festival for when DC1 would be 8 months before he was born on the basis that it is as naive to say "that's 100% doable and easy" as it is to say "that's insane and impossible". As it was it was doable and plenty of fun. But if it had turned out not to be that would be OK too.

Pollywoddles · 31/07/2023 09:36

Juno999 · 31/07/2023 08:30

What if you've family abroad though?

It’s easier with family but by no means relaxing. I’m just back from a month abroad staying with my FIL. Someone had to sit in with the baby (14 months) every evening and as it’s not my country or friends then that was me. We couldn’t commit to later evening activities with friends as she’d fall asleep in the car and then we’d be up half the night trying to get her to sleep again. We got out for a couple of hours one evening for a meal when my SIL came to stay.

The travelling and existing is fine but you miss a lot of the fun things about going away when you have a baby to care for.

WonderingWanda · 31/07/2023 09:37

When I had my first I imagined the same as you. And we did travel around the UK a bit but not abroad. Whilst in theory he was portable as I was breastfeeding it was exhausting. He wasn't a great sleeper, went in for massive bouts of unpredictable cluster feeding etc so I would often be spending my nights feeding and be too tired to enjoy anything the next day. Then there's the unexpected, like when he got a cold and couldn't sleep on his back because the snot made him projectile vomit over himself. The nappy explosions and trying to give him a 2 am bath in a hotel sink. The general feeling of being a hot, sweaty milking machine that made me feel grim and frumpy whatever I wore.

When I had dd I was obviously a pro by that point and she just got carted along with us wherever. But out of the blue she became unwell and that resulted in multiple hospital stays and follow up appointments, again this prevented us travelling abroad.

Mostly I just craved routine and familiar surroundings. Having a baby turns your world upside down and it's best to approach it without any preconceptions because you just have no clue how it will turn out.

Original poster
Juno999 · 31/07/2023 09:38

Yes sorry, I meant what if your family live a plane ride away? Are you supposed to just not see them for 5 years or however many?
Yes they can come to you, until they're elderly/disabled/have dementia and can't.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 31/07/2023 09:40

Oh, we did go and stay abroad with friends when ds was about 10 months. The plan was to go out for dinner and that the babies would sleep laid down in their pushchairs. Ds was having none of that and he also wasn't going to sit quietly at the table. It was far too exciting. He then decided he wasn't going to bed that night full stop after being up past his usual bedtime. Then he caught a tummy bug so the flight home was fun!