ILs so irritating since being pregnant

[NewMumsy0086]

Been with DH for 15 years, married for 3 and first (and only) child on the way imminently. I've had a great relationship with my ILs over the past 15 years, but since becoming pregnant, I can't seem to tolerate their demands or want to meet their expectations anymore.

Whenever there is a family event, we are basically ordered to attend as if its expectation rather than invitational. Usually dates and timings for gatherings over the last 15 years has been at the convenience of when my DHs younger brother can attend (as they have 3 kids), and I'm beginning to get tired of us living our lives around them at their convenience, rather than a mutually agreeable time and date.

MIL recently interfered and invited her neice to our house whilst she was holidaying in our area. This lead to an awkward incoming message to me on FB (not hubby) from his relative asking what our address is and will we be around on said dates for a visit?! To be honest, I've seen this person twice in our marriage at family gatherings, we aren't exactly friends and the last time I saw her was 6 years ago... I'm just married to her cousin (my husband)!. I declined her own invite to our home and messaged her back (I felt sorry for her as I'm sure she was encouraged to reach out to us by MIL to come round), and said im heavily pregnant and want to spend time with hubby so didn't want to commit to visitors at that time. But I was quite cross being put in an awkward position to have to turn this visit down, we don't associate with hubby's extended family outside of gatherings so I found it intrusive and wierd. Any way I said no and forgot about it. On the ILs next visit to ours (bit of yoyoing about that, as again they wanted all at their convenience and their retired 🙄) the MIL mentioned the cousin and their holiday to our area 3 times which I ignored, then the fourth time she said has 'x' been in touch, (I wanted hubby to interject but he was passive as ever,) I said yes and I've declined her coming round, we don't associate outside of gatherings and I think I'd find socialising one on one with them in OUR home after not seeing them for 6 years a bit staged and wierd...we would find the visit a forced interaction that we hadn't chosen nor are comfortable with. I just hated being put in this position, and looking like the bad guy! She said Oh OK, but looked really put out and there was dead silence afterwards....really awkward exchange and I end up feeling bad for saying how we both really felt about it.

We were round theirs on a visit and as we were leaving mentioned they were having a party in a two weeks - so we will see you then? I said unlikely, I'm pregnant getting bigger and we've got stuff to do round the house. MIL messaged a day before asking me what food we wanted for said party, again, I was the left telling them we wouldn't be going as had stuff to do...again I'm the one delivering all the nos. I guess I'm just getting hacked off with being bossed and herded around by by ILs and also getting so frustrated at how passive my husband is....he doesn't defend us or our time, it's so unattractive? I don't want to be dominated when our baby comes along, I just want to have choice...and I do actually want them included in our lives, but not in an overbearing way,when its suitable for us too and want to feel like it is OK to say no every now and again, without the expectation and awkwardness.

When they also visit, FIL spends the whole time watching sport on his phone, if we meet for dinner/breakfast will always ask for wi-fi code and will log on to watch sport in a restaurant...which I find incredibly rude given the amount fuss they make about seeing us!

Is this just pregnancy related aggravation I now have with the ILs or will this pass?

AIBU to feel irritated?

I have to say, if my dp declined a meeting with one of my relations without consultation I would be seriously pissed off! And would you rather they hadn't invited you to the party? Obviously you shouldn't go if you're not feeling up to it, but it does sound as if you're cross you were asked!

I wouldn't want a random relatively assuming they can come and stay at my house.

That would piss me off.

There seem to be a lot of family gatherings going on, that would equally irk me.

If my cousin messaged my husband to invite themselves over, I'd be 100 times more "WTF" than if they had asked me themselves!

If my husband declined my cousin visiting despite how distance without speaking to me first I'd be so annoyed.
Also as someone who's husband doesn't get invited to his family parties and watches all the other relatives go, I find YABU that your complaining that your IL are inviting you.

Your IL family seems to be a closer family, you've accepted it for 15 years and suddenly you refuse since your pregnant? I'm sorry seems like your wanting to create a dislike for your IL just to fulfil the 'MIL is the worst' criteria.

Totally your choice not to go to the party, though it seems like your declining just because your pregnant. And I'm saying that as someone who couldn't walk without support after 32 weeks thanks to spd!

I don’t know why you’d be so hostile to your DH’s family. His cousin stopping by really isn’t going to put you out or monopolise your time, especially as they rarely get to meet.

I think it’s nice they have lots of gatherings and invite you. Lots of people would love a close family and it’s not like they are turning up at yours unannounced and demanding entry.
It’s an invite to a party. They can’t possibly find a date that suits everyone. You can say no and stay away but I would be thankful for time with people who want to see me on the whole. Pregnancy shouldn’t be a reason for people to stop inviting you. I was completely mobile until the day I gave birth and would have resented an assumption I couldn’t go over for lunch!

The issue is you feeling you can’t say no. But also crucially it seems more that you wanting to turn them down is about feeling you have control rather than actually not wanting to be there which is a bit odd maybe and you might want to consider where that comes from.

Anyway your ILs sound ok to me and you are clearly not liking the fact your DH is easy going about it all so direct your ire at him. But accept that if he wants to see his family and is happy having his cousins visit it might not be fair to ask him to decline just on your account.

You can’t go to a party for a couple of hours in two weeks time, because you have things to do around the house?

They sound completely reasonable and nice. The cousin was asking if you were around for a visit, what's wrong with that? Would it really be so bad for your husband to get to spend some time with his relative in his own home for a bit?
And I don't get why pregnancy would stop you from going to the party. You're being obstructive.

Having said all this, my pg and postnatal hormones did make me a bit weird when it came to ILs- I just wanted to nest and then to settle with my baby, and I wasn't really all that empathetic. Think about it from their perspective- They're about to become grandparents to your baby, and they're trying to include you in family stuff. You're rejecting them for no real reason.

Be empathetic and kind OP. They will love your child and that is a very, very precious thing.

Yanbu. It doesn’t sound like you don’t want to see them - but that you want to be okay saying no when it isn’t actually convenient and that to be okay with them. Which it should be! Alas it seems that, because you were both child free and more able to be flexible, you’ve unwittingly fallen into this pattern where they expect you to always mould to their plans, because you’ve been easy going enough for it not to be an issue until now.

Stand firm. Speak to DH and get on the same page. He needs to step up here and back you up/protect your time. And be firm with boundary setting. Nothing you’re saying to them is unreasonable but they’re pushing back. They don’t like not getting everything their own way. And they need to deal with that and accept that you are grown adults with your own lives, which are about to get much busier with a newborn. Unfortunately you and dh can’t be the endlessly accommodating ones at the moment.

with the cousin, I get it 100%. It’s effectively a near stranger asking to come and hang out at your house, who you then have to host and make conversation with! No thanks. And again, that doesn’t mean you dislike the person, or don't want to see them and catch up at family events. But they’re not your friends or close family, so trying to have that type of interaction IS weird! Mil sounds a little emotionally immature and unable to see things from others perspectives while FIL and his sports watching is just plain rude.

Hopefully this is just an adjustment period. Would DH feel able to talk to his mum. Explain that you love seeing them etc, and he knows that previously you’ve both been pretty relaxed with arrangements and able to come to things whenever, but that you’re going through big changes at the moment, and you just can’t accommodate requests like you used to. It’s not a slight on them. But if they want to do things with you, there needs to be more dialogue and consideration of your plans, as opposed to you being able to just go along with whatever they want, which they’ve grown used to. It’s nothing personal. It’s just the nature of starting a family. And unfortunately they need to either get on board with that, or they’ll keep feeling slighted and put out, by imagined slights

yanbu!

I can get where you're coming from on the events thing if they're like my in laws.

It's always a case of "here are all the dates you need to put in your calendar" rather than "these are the dates, we'd love you to come" or "be lovely to see you, when are you free?". The latter of which is my parents' approach.

(the peak of this was six gatherings across nine days over one Christmas, and a look of absolute astonishment when we said that we'd work out our plans with my family, our friends and some sodding downtime too before letting them know which...)

However, you do seem pretty antagonistic to the idea of even being invited! After a few years of saying no or yes, my ILs are now getting the message, and are inviting, not summonsing.

Honestly if my or my husband's cousin was visiting our area and they didn't get in touch to see if we wanted to meet up, I would find it super rude. I don't know why you're so hostile to seeing his cousin, it's hardly a massive commitment and just because you haven't met them much doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice to connect. They sound a bit pushy around the party but equally being pregnant doesn't mean you can't leave the house.

I can’t work out, did the cousin want to come and stay with you? In which case you’re definitely within your rights to say no. Or did they want to come and visit you for a few hours while they’re in the area? I think it’s quite rude to say no to that for no proper reason, and not consult with your DH. He could meet them for a coffee if you didn’t want them in the house!

Two things strike me in your post.

One, you keep referring to your DH’s ‘passivity’ — but it’s not clear whether he feels similarly unwilling to see his family, or does he actually want to see them, and would like to say yes more?

Two — you sound very regimented, even hostile, about how much contact you have with your extended ILs, despite saying you’ve had a ‘great relationship’ for 15 years. You also sound resentful as hell about invitations, and that timings of family get togethers have tended to prioritise the family with three young children.

In the nicest possible way, you sound socially awkward, and as if any social interactions, as guest or host, are a terribly big deal, rather than casual give and take with family you say you like. Yes, I’d probably have been mildly irritated my MIL invited someone to my house, but if I liked the person, and it was a time I was available, I’d probably have been ok with a half-hour coffee, but being clear that I had plans afterwards.

Are there enormous distances involved or something? I mean, do these family ‘gatherings’ whose timings you find so onerous involve hours of travel to PILS’ house or something? Or you have a demanding job that involves antisocial hours and shift work?

Otherwise, this all sounds like a mountain being made out of a molehill, if these are people you are fond of.

@NewMumsy0086
In my family it would be entirely normal for a relation, however distant, to want to visit if they were in the area. To me it would be completely weird for them not to, and I would wonder why they hadn't and if I had done something wrong. It sounds as if the DP's family is the same. To be perfectly honest I would have found your response rude. Not saying I'm right-just that other views are available and valid.

Cousin, not a random relative of her DH.

I found my in laws were desperately trying to claim as much of our time as possible when I became pregnant. I think it was an attempt to stake their claim on time with us when the baby arrived and due in part to their insecurities around only having sons.
It didn’t work though, their intensity meant that for the first time in my life I avoided them. It was the right decision though because now we have a more respectful and mature relationship.

Hmmm…it basically reads that you don’t want to see them, ever, and you want absolutely everything on your terms.

You don’t mix with ‘extended family’ outside of normal family gatherings. That’s a bit odd - cousin IMO is not ‘extended’.

Is what you are reading as your DH's 'passivity' actually because he would be happy to see his cousin/go to family gatherings?

Also declining on behalf of your DH for his cousin to come and see you was rude.

I’d be really annoyed if dh declined a visit from my cousin without consulting me first.

nothing you have said sounds too bad, you seem pretty closed off to your in-laws. You said you used to all get on, apart from you being pregnant what’s changed?

I think you come off far worse in this than your ILs do.

I hardly ever see my cousins but if they wanted to come and visit I’d happily host them, I’d be very annoyed if my husband turned them away on my behalf.

It's all about what you want and not much consideration for your husband. Is he allowed to "associate" with his family outside of gatherings? You sound controlling and your excuses for refusing visits and invites are ridiculous. Why does your husband have to agree with you?

I think when you are pregnant there is a tendency to "nest" at home sometimes.Quite understandable .However they are not asking to go clubbing with you! Maybe in the months you are not feeling well then obv not .If you feel OK you may surprise yourself and enjoy being fussed over,having some food and drink talking about Babe and so on.Why not say yes next time ,as baby approaches you may be glad of some help and its nice for LO to have a good RL with GDP as well

You sound a nightmare
You are pregnant not dying

Your poor dh

I would be really annoyed if my husband declined my young cousin visiting without asking me first. Unless there is more to this story (and other things that have happened with MIL and FIL) then I do think you are being unreasonable.

This.