ILs so irritating since being pregnant

[NewMumsy0086]

Been with DH for 15 years, married for 3 and first (and only) child on the way imminently. I've had a great relationship with my ILs over the past 15 years, but since becoming pregnant, I can't seem to tolerate their demands or want to meet their expectations anymore.

Whenever there is a family event, we are basically ordered to attend as if its expectation rather than invitational. Usually dates and timings for gatherings over the last 15 years has been at the convenience of when my DHs younger brother can attend (as they have 3 kids), and I'm beginning to get tired of us living our lives around them at their convenience, rather than a mutually agreeable time and date.

MIL recently interfered and invited her neice to our house whilst she was holidaying in our area. This lead to an awkward incoming message to me on FB (not hubby) from his relative asking what our address is and will we be around on said dates for a visit?! To be honest, I've seen this person twice in our marriage at family gatherings, we aren't exactly friends and the last time I saw her was 6 years ago... I'm just married to her cousin (my husband)!. I declined her own invite to our home and messaged her back (I felt sorry for her as I'm sure she was encouraged to reach out to us by MIL to come round), and said im heavily pregnant and want to spend time with hubby so didn't want to commit to visitors at that time. But I was quite cross being put in an awkward position to have to turn this visit down, we don't associate with hubby's extended family outside of gatherings so I found it intrusive and wierd. Any way I said no and forgot about it. On the ILs next visit to ours (bit of yoyoing about that, as again they wanted all at their convenience and their retired 🙄) the MIL mentioned the cousin and their holiday to our area 3 times which I ignored, then the fourth time she said has 'x' been in touch, (I wanted hubby to interject but he was passive as ever,) I said yes and I've declined her coming round, we don't associate outside of gatherings and I think I'd find socialising one on one with them in OUR home after not seeing them for 6 years a bit staged and wierd...we would find the visit a forced interaction that we hadn't chosen nor are comfortable with. I just hated being put in this position, and looking like the bad guy! She said Oh OK, but looked really put out and there was dead silence afterwards....really awkward exchange and I end up feeling bad for saying how we both really felt about it.

We were round theirs on a visit and as we were leaving mentioned they were having a party in a two weeks - so we will see you then? I said unlikely, I'm pregnant getting bigger and we've got stuff to do round the house. MIL messaged a day before asking me what food we wanted for said party, again, I was the left telling them we wouldn't be going as had stuff to do...again I'm the one delivering all the nos. I guess I'm just getting hacked off with being bossed and herded around by by ILs and also getting so frustrated at how passive my husband is....he doesn't defend us or our time, it's so unattractive? I don't want to be dominated when our baby comes along, I just want to have choice...and I do actually want them included in our lives, but not in an overbearing way,when its suitable for us too and want to feel like it is OK to say no every now and again, without the expectation and awkwardness.

When they also visit, FIL spends the whole time watching sport on his phone, if we meet for dinner/breakfast will always ask for wi-fi code and will log on to watch sport in a restaurant...which I find incredibly rude given the amount fuss they make about seeing us!

Is this just pregnancy related aggravation I now have with the ILs or will this pass?

AIBU to feel irritated?

Exactly this! I hate the whole thing of some people thinking it's a free for all on commenting on and touching your body when pregnant. Definitely a valid reason for avoiding family parties etc in late pregnancy.

Well it’s simple, you no longer decline events for your DH. Simply say “oh I’m unable to make it, so sorry, you’ll need to message DH and see if he can make it though as we’ve not discussed it.” Your DH will very quickly start standing up for himself or start attending to his family alone.

I'm not sure your MIL had done anything wring (FIL & his sports is another matter)
You need your DH to step up, he needs to be able to advocate for you during labour if necessary and if he won't even say no to his family is he going to be able to?

Families do tend to want to get more involved when a baby arrives and mostly it's great that they want yo build that relationship. Now is the time to set the expectation that is DH they communicate with to organise this.

Why are you taking all the correspondence on then if you dont want to? presumably your DH has fingers so why cant he message them?

Hand it over to him to deal with- he's a grown man fgs

Sounds like the issue is with your husband.

Get ‘hubby’ to take over communications then. Forward messages to him, if he doesn’t reply, who cares?

YANBU about the relatives visiting, I wouldn't have wanted to either (although I probably would have done it, just because it was clearly a one off and sometimes you just have to suck it up and do things you don't want to do)

But YABVU about getting pissed off about the party invite. How precious do you have to be to say you can't attend a party in a few hours just because you're pregnant. When are you even due? I'm due next Sunday and went to a family party yesterday. It's only down the road.

My hubby feels the same, but doesn't say...

Then I'd do what PP suggested and just decline for yourself. "I'm busy that weekend, what about you DH?" "I can't make it, you'll have to speak to DH to see if he's free though."

YABU.

So your DHs cousin was visiting the area and wanted to catch up but you aaid no, you wanted to spend time with your husband? This is really weird, I would expect a cousin to get in touch if they were holidaying in the area and saying you want to spend your time with your husband is quite rude imo. Your husband probably isn't passive, he's probably biting his tongue trying not say anything to you.

Hardly the crime of the century being invited to family gatherings either! Be careful not to ruin relations with your ILs over petty things like this. They'll be a likely be a godsend when your baby comes.

I've had exactly this situation too. Sadly it's just got loads worse since baby was born and he's now one. I have no answers. I cannot stand them. My parents would never dream of doing to my partner what they do to me. I just stay out of their way as much as I can.

From your updates, it sounds as if your DH doesn't want to attend these events either but doesn't speak up, so to coin a MN phrase, 'You've got a DH problem'.
I don't think his family have done anything wrong (at least your in-laws bother with you) but I'd be batting it back to DH every time!

Give it a rest. MIL will have likely said give them a shout if you're in the area. This is what NORMAL people do.

It's you and the OP that are odd AF.

Your in laws sound like perfectly nice people, I can't see what they've done wrong tbh.

You'll be begging a stranger to take your baby after months of sleepless nights.

Looks like some on here don't know what it's like to have domineering in-laws.

That said, OP, I think your DH needs to be dealing with his family directly instead of leaving it to you.

You've reached this breaking point because you married a mummy's boy who won't put his wife and marriage first. It's been more important to your husband to appease his mum and do what she wants than working with you to create your own space and boundaries.

I don't think you dislike your in-laws, and I don't think they are awful people, but your mother-in-law is used to getting her own way, and for you, it's now just all too much.

You have a husband problem, and you had best hash this out before the baby arrives.

Read the updates. OP's DH didn't want to see them either. They are not close.

Hubby didn't want them to come though? And I'd be the one expected to host this visit (family that he doesn't see or make effort with) strangers virtually really? I can't see how the conversation would go.... nothing in common...

Every time pass it back to your husband to deal with. They are his family, not yours. Obviously, it helps if you and DH are on the same page.

In fairness, OP, your ILs sound nice and I would meet them half way with parties etc. The thing with the cousin sounds a bit nuts though.

YANBU to decline gatherings / visits you don’t want, but not sure where the pregnancy comes into it? Are you hoping for the same accommodating attention you feel your BIL has had with three kids? I know having a baby may seem massive in your life right now, but you are sounding a bit PFB… and the baby isn’t even here yet.

you married a mummy's boy who won't put his wife and marriage first
This, your husband has been trained from birth to obey his domineering mother, he is continuing to do this and she expects you to obey her too.
His primary bond may still be with his mother rather than his wife, in other words he has not properly separated or 'fledged' from his family of origin; baby bird still obeys mummy bird🐣

You are right, I like them a lot....but I also just like to rest and sometimes say no when things don't suit us, that's all. Just wish that was OK.

We say yes to a lot....and have done plenty of things that have put us out over the years at the detriment of ourselves. When little one comes along, we can't please everyone all of the time....
I did ask if DH wanted cousin to come - it is his home, and I go out for the morning with friends whilst they visit (he did not want that).... 🤷‍♀️ he said he wouldn't know what to chat about either.

I just felt its inviting a stranger to our home without asking us, and felt it's interfering...to then be interrogated about it when we were seen as well, just felt I was prodded too many times to not say how we really felt. We have the right to say who comes to home surely?!

Family tree party? What the hell is that? It sounds the most boring party ever!
Make your husband reply to all the requests from his family whether you want to go or not. His family his job.

I don't think you should communicate on behalf on your husband. Leave it up to him.

I did ask if DH wanted cousin to come - it is his home, and I go out for the morning with friends whilst they visit (he did not want that)
He wants you there to save him the bother of trying to keep the conversation going.
I think I would agree to it and then go out and expectedly and leave him to cope ... he won't make the mistake of letting them come over again then will he.

I know, but its all their interested in and seems to be a new hobby, but honestly we hear about it everytime we time we go (actually it's all I hear as I entertain it - I'm not that bad despite the replies on here; hubby goes into another room and watches sport) ....bordering on obsessive about knowing about family that aren't here anymore. When we were on holiday with them, they bought a laptop with them specifically to have updates 🙄 ....and was so annoyed when wi-fi wasn't working 😂.