ILs so irritating since being pregnant

[NewMumsy0086]

Been with DH for 15 years, married for 3 and first (and only) child on the way imminently. I've had a great relationship with my ILs over the past 15 years, but since becoming pregnant, I can't seem to tolerate their demands or want to meet their expectations anymore.

Whenever there is a family event, we are basically ordered to attend as if its expectation rather than invitational. Usually dates and timings for gatherings over the last 15 years has been at the convenience of when my DHs younger brother can attend (as they have 3 kids), and I'm beginning to get tired of us living our lives around them at their convenience, rather than a mutually agreeable time and date.

MIL recently interfered and invited her neice to our house whilst she was holidaying in our area. This lead to an awkward incoming message to me on FB (not hubby) from his relative asking what our address is and will we be around on said dates for a visit?! To be honest, I've seen this person twice in our marriage at family gatherings, we aren't exactly friends and the last time I saw her was 6 years ago... I'm just married to her cousin (my husband)!. I declined her own invite to our home and messaged her back (I felt sorry for her as I'm sure she was encouraged to reach out to us by MIL to come round), and said im heavily pregnant and want to spend time with hubby so didn't want to commit to visitors at that time. But I was quite cross being put in an awkward position to have to turn this visit down, we don't associate with hubby's extended family outside of gatherings so I found it intrusive and wierd. Any way I said no and forgot about it. On the ILs next visit to ours (bit of yoyoing about that, as again they wanted all at their convenience and their retired 🙄) the MIL mentioned the cousin and their holiday to our area 3 times which I ignored, then the fourth time she said has 'x' been in touch, (I wanted hubby to interject but he was passive as ever,) I said yes and I've declined her coming round, we don't associate outside of gatherings and I think I'd find socialising one on one with them in OUR home after not seeing them for 6 years a bit staged and wierd...we would find the visit a forced interaction that we hadn't chosen nor are comfortable with. I just hated being put in this position, and looking like the bad guy! She said Oh OK, but looked really put out and there was dead silence afterwards....really awkward exchange and I end up feeling bad for saying how we both really felt about it.

We were round theirs on a visit and as we were leaving mentioned they were having a party in a two weeks - so we will see you then? I said unlikely, I'm pregnant getting bigger and we've got stuff to do round the house. MIL messaged a day before asking me what food we wanted for said party, again, I was the left telling them we wouldn't be going as had stuff to do...again I'm the one delivering all the nos. I guess I'm just getting hacked off with being bossed and herded around by by ILs and also getting so frustrated at how passive my husband is....he doesn't defend us or our time, it's so unattractive? I don't want to be dominated when our baby comes along, I just want to have choice...and I do actually want them included in our lives, but not in an overbearing way,when its suitable for us too and want to feel like it is OK to say no every now and again, without the expectation and awkwardness.

When they also visit, FIL spends the whole time watching sport on his phone, if we meet for dinner/breakfast will always ask for wi-fi code and will log on to watch sport in a restaurant...which I find incredibly rude given the amount fuss they make about seeing us!

Is this just pregnancy related aggravation I now have with the ILs or will this pass?

AIBU to feel irritated?

YANBU at all, In fact you have handled these incidents brilliantly in what you have said to the ILs. However your DH is going to up his game and do more to support you. Don't be afraid of putting a few boundaries in when the baby is here.

Why would you be expected to host?

As others have said-you need to turn it over to your husband.

I kind of agree with this

Why couldn’t this cousin just message her DP directly? If my DP’s cousins want to see him that’s between them! Why are people blaming OP for interfering with a visit between her DP and his cousin as if she’s his social secretary?!

Issue here isn't the in-laws it's your husband. My husband used to do this and it drove me fucking mad. His mum would ask about events, gatherings etc and he'd just sit there like a lemon and wait for me to answer

I told him I wasn't doing it anymore, he needed to dealing with his family from that perspective. Next time it happened I stayed silent and looked at him for his response....

He wouldn't expect to be doing it with my family so I wasn't doing it the other way round.

Tell your husband it's down to him now to sort arrangements and communicate with his family. Especially with baby coming

"Why are people blaming OP for interfering with a visit between her DP and his cousin as if she’s his social secretary?!"

The solution was to pass the message to him, rather than to make the decision on his behalf (like a social Secretary!)

Has the saying no actually been a problem? Has there been fall out you haven’t mentioned?

From what you’ve said here, it seems like there is some adjustment going on as the pregnancy and your preparation for your new role naturally cause a change in your commitments and priorities. You’re setting boundaries with your PiL and, it seems, they are learning to accept that. They aren’t quite ready for it (hence the asking you about food for the party when you’d indicated a week before hand that you probably wouldn’t be coming) but this is part of the process of adjusting.

You don’t mention any backlash from them when you do what you want, so I’m wondering, is there actually a problem here or is the issue more that you feel bad for saying no because you haven’t before, but your PiL are actually okay with it?

They’ve adjusted to your BiL having a family and try and arrange gatherings around his family’s needs, do you have a good reason to think they won’t do the same for your family?

Your DH’s passivity would piss me off. I do think being pregnant makes the upcoming change having a baby will create much more obvious to women than their partners, in general. And maybe pregnancy hormones compound that. So maybe he needs a bit of a kick up the backside to start stepping up and mediating the relationship with his parents. But also - does he maybe just have a different way of handling them? Is he hiding behind you, or is he just letting it all wash over and you don’t need to step in (maybe, even, cause friction by doing so) just need to follow his line and ignore? You don’t provide much detail about your DH’s passivity and how the interactions end up being on your plate, so this could easily be way off base, but I thought it might be worth considering this perspective. As women were often socialised to step into this sort of support role without thinking and maybe you just shouldn’t.

I genuinely feel I have no obligation in life to do what displeases me anymore. My family aren't this overbearing, hubby has no interaction or expectation to anything with family from my side of things, they message ME, they are my family....if I can't make something or don't feel up to it that's cool I don't get judged if I don't fancy doing something where my family are concerned. His parents don't message him as they don't get a response for days, and they like a reply within an hour.....so they then get on the blower to me.

You know your husband is the issue as well as the general inlaw dynamics.

you need to set you stall out firmly and let them know you (plural) are not for turning
You deal woth your family (this includes cards gifts whatever) he deals with his

Get some set phrases...

"you should ask DH."
"Ohhhh next thursday. I'm not sure what we are doing. Let me check with DH and he will get back to you."
"I fwded your invite to DH... he'll let you know"
"what did DH say when you messaged him?"
"Did DH not tell you we are busy on saturday? Thsts a shame maybe he forgot! You can see the baby on tuesday at 3 or thursday at 10 if you want."

Then opt out, pass them on to your husband. You can’t choose to be the chief of message receiving and then complain about it.

I guess people and families differ. Some are very gregarious and have the view the more the merrier and have infinite capacity for socialising. Any excuse to meet up and mind each other's business (eg my mother's family. It's hard to imagine anything they could do or say (after all you can't have a good argument if you don't see each other) that would affect their relationships!

When the chips are down they will all rally. Very good in a crisis. You could knock on any one of their doors and be welcomed in and be put up etc. A problem for one is a problem for all to solve,

Other people are perhaps much more self sufficient and don't need or want the same interaction or interference. Much more sensitive and particular with whom they share intimate moments or personal problems.

The problems come when expectations clash. Just do your own thing if you don't want to be part of the clan. They will adjust because they are used to people having different views and won't be phased. They'll just shrug and move on. No doubt welcome you back whenever you want to be included.

I don't choose to.....get lumbered with it actually.

His parents don't message him as they don't get a response for days, and they like a reply within an hour.....so they then get on the blower to me
Surely the obvious solution is to adopt the same strategy as your husband, i.e just ignore them🤷

This is what you have to do. My in-laws started messaging me while I was at work, because DH wasn't replying (because he was at work). So now I don't reply either.

But you will have to tell your DH that you're not playing any more and if he ignores them then they will be ignored full stop.

Hmmmm, I think that if she tells her husband what her strategy is he will up his game and look for another way to offload them onto her
ultimately his goal is for it not to be his problem

Yep used to get text messages and emails during the day at work, which I wouldn't respond straight away to as at work....then I'd get texts and watsapp 3 hours later asking, have you seen my email?! 😂 Relentless....not my parents?!

The more I write, the more I think I've put up with people pleasing for 15 years... I've said no to things twice this year....so sue me 🤷‍♀️😂
It isn't because I'm pregnant I feel this way, it's because I know I've got a baby on the way and I can't be at every little request made of us anymore, ILs need to get used to the word no.

I sais YANBU, as it’s up to you what you do with your time, but also you sound a bit like you don’t want to see them at all, or entirely on your terms.

It sounds like MIL is really lonely, which od understand if her husband has his head constantly in his phone!

They should be contacting your husband though, who should be running things past you.

As so often, you have a DH problem and there's misogyny at the heart of this.

I’d quit being the social secretary. My MIL pulled this on me. She demanded I copy her address book, so I’d know when to send extended family birthday, anniversary, etc cards. And the addresses, of course. I refused. If people were important enough to my dh to send cards to, he’d have all the information because he’d have been sending cards himself.

I’d step back. Tell dh to deal with his parents, and tell the in-laws to contact him. “You’ll have to ask dh.” would be my standard response.

He’s an adult. He shouldn’t need you to manage his relationships.

This!

Each message either tell them to contact him or say I've forwarded your message to your son.

Then it's on him to reply or not. It's not your job to manage his family as well as your own @NewMumsy0086.

I would stop making convoluted excuses though. Sorry we're busy or something simple is fine.

He needs to step up and stop being shit.

I disagree. The whole point is that he's scared to say no to mummy, so if the OP says that if he doesn't reply, nobody will, it's more likely to get him to muster a reply. He won't want his mum phoning him up to chase a response.

I had about a year of this with my mil. It was a battle of wills and a hill i was happy to die on.

You direct back every. Single. Time. No matter what.

When she would complain about him not replying I would say "oh he is the same when i ask! Its annoying right? Maybe try calling him" 🙄

Whatever happens do what you want when the baby arrives.

I am amazed that so many people think YABU.

You don't have an in-law problem, you have a DH problem. They need to message him, not you. Either that or demand that both your ILs and your H pay you for your time spent being their social secretary.

Like some sensible posters have already suggested, ignore their messages or (if you're feeling generous) forward them to your husband.

He can then say to you (like a normal person), "NewMumsy, my parents are having a family party on Saturday. Do you want to go?" You can then accept or decline, depending on how you feel and your other commitments. Radical suggestion here, but maybe he could also visit his family... without you... shock horror!