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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ILs so irritating since being pregnant

130 replies

NewMumsy0086 · 30/07/2023 10:01

Been with DH for 15 years, married for 3 and first (and only) child on the way imminently. I've had a great relationship with my ILs over the past 15 years, but since becoming pregnant, I can't seem to tolerate their demands or want to meet their expectations anymore.

Whenever there is a family event, we are basically ordered to attend as if its expectation rather than invitational. Usually dates and timings for gatherings over the last 15 years has been at the convenience of when my DHs younger brother can attend (as they have 3 kids), and I'm beginning to get tired of us living our lives around them at their convenience, rather than a mutually agreeable time and date.

MIL recently interfered and invited her neice to our house whilst she was holidaying in our area. This lead to an awkward incoming message to me on FB (not hubby) from his relative asking what our address is and will we be around on said dates for a visit?! To be honest, I've seen this person twice in our marriage at family gatherings, we aren't exactly friends and the last time I saw her was 6 years ago... I'm just married to her cousin (my husband)!. I declined her own invite to our home and messaged her back (I felt sorry for her as I'm sure she was encouraged to reach out to us by MIL to come round), and said im heavily pregnant and want to spend time with hubby so didn't want to commit to visitors at that time. But I was quite cross being put in an awkward position to have to turn this visit down, we don't associate with hubby's extended family outside of gatherings so I found it intrusive and wierd. Any way I said no and forgot about it. On the ILs next visit to ours (bit of yoyoing about that, as again they wanted all at their convenience and their retired 🙄) the MIL mentioned the cousin and their holiday to our area 3 times which I ignored, then the fourth time she said has 'x' been in touch, (I wanted hubby to interject but he was passive as ever,) I said yes and I've declined her coming round, we don't associate outside of gatherings and I think I'd find socialising one on one with them in OUR home after not seeing them for 6 years a bit staged and wierd...we would find the visit a forced interaction that we hadn't chosen nor are comfortable with. I just hated being put in this position, and looking like the bad guy! She said Oh OK, but looked really put out and there was dead silence afterwards....really awkward exchange and I end up feeling bad for saying how we both really felt about it.

We were round theirs on a visit and as we were leaving mentioned they were having a party in a two weeks - so we will see you then? I said unlikely, I'm pregnant getting bigger and we've got stuff to do round the house. MIL messaged a day before asking me what food we wanted for said party, again, I was the left telling them we wouldn't be going as had stuff to do...again I'm the one delivering all the nos. I guess I'm just getting hacked off with being bossed and herded around by by ILs and also getting so frustrated at how passive my husband is....he doesn't defend us or our time, it's so unattractive? I don't want to be dominated when our baby comes along, I just want to have choice...and I do actually want them included in our lives, but not in an overbearing way,when its suitable for us too and want to feel like it is OK to say no every now and again, without the expectation and awkwardness.

When they also visit, FIL spends the whole time watching sport on his phone, if we meet for dinner/breakfast will always ask for wi-fi code and will log on to watch sport in a restaurant...which I find incredibly rude given the amount fuss they make about seeing us!

Is this just pregnancy related aggravation I now have with the ILs or will this pass?

AIBU to feel irritated?

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 30/07/2023 11:09

@NewMumsy0086
In my family I would expect a relation, however distant, to visit if she was in the area. Particularly if we hadn't seen her for a long time. I'd think it was weird if she didn't and would wonder if I had done something wrong. To be honest, I'd think your response was strange and rude. I'm not saying I'm right. Just that other opinions are available and valid.

Wenfy · 30/07/2023 11:10

They are a closeknit family. And of course a family with 3 kids will take more time to coral them around - especially if they need to work around school.

I think you’re creating problems where there are none. As you said you were happy for 15 years. I’d chalk this up to hormones and be grateful you have such a close family available to you for when your baby is born.

SweetPotatoAndPeanutStew · 30/07/2023 11:14

YABU and super precious.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/07/2023 11:23

NancyJoan · 30/07/2023 10:38

You can’t go to a party for a couple of hours in two weeks time, because you have things to do around the house?

That's what's known as 'I'm going to be in the last couple of weeks of pregnancy, I've got shit tons of stuff I'd rather be doing than go to a party with you lot, up to and including cataloguing my maternity pads and cleaning behind the cooker knows, rather than being poked around and asked 'haven't you had it yet? You're MASSIVE! Are you sure there's only one in there?'.

It's the 'I've had enough of all this, leave me alone, I want to stay at home and have my last days of peace and quiet for a couple of years'.

EvilElsa · 30/07/2023 11:29

Highlyflavouredgravy · 30/07/2023 11:08

You sound a nightmare
You are pregnant not dying

Your poor dh

I agree with this.
I understand being hormonal and narky -I remember it well. Unless you are unwell you can go to a party pregnant though! I doubt it's going to be a rave, surely you just sit on your arse and eat cake and chat for a few hours?
If you've had a great relationship for 15 years maybe MIL is a bit confused why all of sudden you are furious with her. Maybe just phone her and say I'm feeling a bit knackered and need a rest rather than getting cross at her for reasons she can't comprehend. I doubt she is purposely trying to piss you off by inviting you to a party. If you explain you might stop getting the messages that annoy you.
Take a deep breath. Pretty soon you will have a baby and it can be really nice to have a close family. I had shit inlaws who didn't give a fuck about us or our kids.

rainbowstardrops · 30/07/2023 11:30

I can appreciate its annoying to be expected to make certain dates that are primarily centred around one person's available dates but I think yabu with the rest of what you've said.
Unless the cousin wanted to come and stay (then you wouldn't be unreasonable) then why on earth couldn't you say they could pop in for a catch up, or suggest to DH to meet up with them?
Also a party for an hour or two in a couple of weeks time and 'you've got things to do'? Again, why didn't you just say it depends how you're feeling but of course DH can pop along for a bit?

Amniceandgenuine · 30/07/2023 11:32

Sorry OP ,you do come across as if you are the tricky one . I have cousins that I very rarely see and they very occasionally come our way . I would be quite bemused if they didn’t attempt to see us if they were close by . Also your response about the party comes across as rude .
I feel sorry for your MIL ,she probably is bewildered as to why you are now holding the family at arms length .

WandaWonder · 30/07/2023 11:32

You are pregnant it is what had been happening to women throughout history, the world does not stop because of pregnancy

Wheresmyrobe · 30/07/2023 11:35

So your DH has no say in when he can see his family then?

Workingonweekendssuck · 30/07/2023 11:41

YABU, you want to spend time with your DH because you are having a baby in the near future? You’ve been living together +15 years and presumably will continue to do so after baby arrives? Weird attitude to have.

Do your in law’s live far away or something?

autienotnaughti · 30/07/2023 11:42

Have you always just attended? If so it may seem strange that you can't go because you're pregnant? Also your response came across rude. Did your husband want to go? Re the cousin I'd leave my husband to decide if he wants his family member to visit. You could go out if you really didn't want to spend time with then.

Saying that family do tend to get a sense of entitlement around new babies so you may well find they want to spend lots of time with you.

NeverThatSerious · 30/07/2023 11:45

I have to be honest OP, some of your complaints I can understand (the sports thing is rude for sure) but a lot ot this just sounds like you are quite hostile towards your husbands family and don’t want to be around them.. ever. You complain that they accommodate your husbands brother first and foremost because of his children but to be fair here your mil messaged to ask what food you’d like so they could cater to you and your likes/dislikes, which strikes me as quite kind. Also the excuse of ‘I’m pregnant’ to avoid a family party, one to which you were invited by your husbands mother, is, at best, very poor.

Notonthestairs · 30/07/2023 11:46

Out of interest what was the reason for the party you turned down?

CurlewKate · 30/07/2023 11:48

"Saying that family do tend to get a sense of entitlement around new babies so you may well find they want to spend lots of time with you."

AKA happy and excited about welcoming a new baby......

loobylou10 · 30/07/2023 11:52

TBH you sound like hard work

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 30/07/2023 11:53

The party - YABU. You could stop in for a couple of hours. I don't understand the issue there.

As for the rest - gotta love "wifework". Your husband is passive because it means everyone goes through you to sort things, which suits him. MiL tried this on me - "It's DH's cousins's birthday next week." "Oh, ok, best let him know." Am I buggery organising cards for his side because I have a vagina. Why are both of them messaging you and not him?

Greenpin · 30/07/2023 12:00

In brief I think you sound rude and unfriendly.

applesandmares · 30/07/2023 12:01

It sounds to me like you are becoming very protective of your space, time with your husband and your 'peace' - I have always been a little bit like this but it went into overdrive while I was pregnant. I became irritated by expectation I would go anywhere, because it made me feel guilty for saying no. This isn't made any easier by the compulsion of people (especially close family!) to want to see you more once you're pregnant.

That said, declining an invite for a party two weeks in advance because of things you need to do in the house is a bit OTT. I think you need to pick your battles a bit if you want to protect the relationship you have built with your ILs. How far away do they live? Could you have just said that you've got a lot on but will swing by for an hour or two?

I also think you need to consider in advance what your boundaries will be once the baby is here (in terms of people visiting the house, or you leaving to visit them) and start laying the groundwork now so that you can manage your families expectations.

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 30/07/2023 12:02

GlitchStitch · 30/07/2023 11:07

It's all about what you want and not much consideration for your husband. Is he allowed to "associate" with his family outside of gatherings? You sound controlling and your excuses for refusing visits and invites are ridiculous. Why does your husband have to agree with you?

Exactly this.

It’s possible your pregnancy hormones are having an effect on you, but take a step back and think about how you would feel if your husband behaved like this with your family.

Ella31 · 30/07/2023 12:04

You are really in the wrong here. That's your husbands cousin, not yours, he does have a link to her. You are lucky to have nice in laws.

DinoMummsy · 30/07/2023 12:05

You shouldn't be forced into having anyone visit your home unless you both actually want them to and are comfortable with this - MIL inviting random cousin to yours is just odd imo. Also, invites to parties/meetups etc, should also be optional with no being an acceptable response from you/your husband - it should never just be assumed that you want to/can go to these things. Think you might need to chat to your husband about what boundaries you both want/need to set re visits before baby comes along. Last thing you will want is this escalating when you've got a newborn. Late pregnancy can be v hard going and uncomfortable so it could be that it's lowering your usual tolerance to the ILs nonsense. It would definitely annoy me too though. Good luck for baby's arrival. 😊

Heronwatcher · 30/07/2023 12:09

The cousin part sounds really odd TBH. I’ve just had my cousin to stay for a week. We lost touch for a while when we were younger but it’s been great getting to know her again and we’re now really close. I do think she should have messaged your DH rather than you but surely you could have managed a visit for a couple of hours?

WildfirePonie · 30/07/2023 12:15

YANBU. Drop the rope. Let DH deal with everyone from now on and if some cousin comes round when he is not there (or anyone else), then don't bother answering the door! Let DH visit all he likes, you can do what you like and you don't have to go and visit them.

tootallfortheshelf · 30/07/2023 12:16

They are following the usual script of taking the opportunity to dominate you whilst you are pregnant and vulnerable.
Why are they doing this?
because you're vulnerable and it's easier to get in control of you when you're vulnerable.
Start being rude just ignore them or say a flat no.

Dixiechickonhols · 30/07/2023 12:17

Your long post and response to MIL about cousin coming over sounds like you probably have social anxiety issues and/or are neurodivergent.
The cousin thing sounds like MIL has said why don’t you get in touch with them as they are in area. Perhaps you were easier to find or Facebook or she messaged you and she wanted to make sure you were ok not just hubby saying yes when you are pregnant.
Assuming it was just a can we meet for a coffee/lunch I don’t think that’s odd request from a family member even one you don’t know well.
Speak to husband and agree how to deal. Did he want to go to mum’s party?