ILs so irritating since being pregnant

[NewMumsy0086]

Been with DH for 15 years, married for 3 and first (and only) child on the way imminently. I've had a great relationship with my ILs over the past 15 years, but since becoming pregnant, I can't seem to tolerate their demands or want to meet their expectations anymore.

Whenever there is a family event, we are basically ordered to attend as if its expectation rather than invitational. Usually dates and timings for gatherings over the last 15 years has been at the convenience of when my DHs younger brother can attend (as they have 3 kids), and I'm beginning to get tired of us living our lives around them at their convenience, rather than a mutually agreeable time and date.

MIL recently interfered and invited her neice to our house whilst she was holidaying in our area. This lead to an awkward incoming message to me on FB (not hubby) from his relative asking what our address is and will we be around on said dates for a visit?! To be honest, I've seen this person twice in our marriage at family gatherings, we aren't exactly friends and the last time I saw her was 6 years ago... I'm just married to her cousin (my husband)!. I declined her own invite to our home and messaged her back (I felt sorry for her as I'm sure she was encouraged to reach out to us by MIL to come round), and said im heavily pregnant and want to spend time with hubby so didn't want to commit to visitors at that time. But I was quite cross being put in an awkward position to have to turn this visit down, we don't associate with hubby's extended family outside of gatherings so I found it intrusive and wierd. Any way I said no and forgot about it. On the ILs next visit to ours (bit of yoyoing about that, as again they wanted all at their convenience and their retired 🙄) the MIL mentioned the cousin and their holiday to our area 3 times which I ignored, then the fourth time she said has 'x' been in touch, (I wanted hubby to interject but he was passive as ever,) I said yes and I've declined her coming round, we don't associate outside of gatherings and I think I'd find socialising one on one with them in OUR home after not seeing them for 6 years a bit staged and wierd...we would find the visit a forced interaction that we hadn't chosen nor are comfortable with. I just hated being put in this position, and looking like the bad guy! She said Oh OK, but looked really put out and there was dead silence afterwards....really awkward exchange and I end up feeling bad for saying how we both really felt about it.

We were round theirs on a visit and as we were leaving mentioned they were having a party in a two weeks - so we will see you then? I said unlikely, I'm pregnant getting bigger and we've got stuff to do round the house. MIL messaged a day before asking me what food we wanted for said party, again, I was the left telling them we wouldn't be going as had stuff to do...again I'm the one delivering all the nos. I guess I'm just getting hacked off with being bossed and herded around by by ILs and also getting so frustrated at how passive my husband is....he doesn't defend us or our time, it's so unattractive? I don't want to be dominated when our baby comes along, I just want to have choice...and I do actually want them included in our lives, but not in an overbearing way,when its suitable for us too and want to feel like it is OK to say no every now and again, without the expectation and awkwardness.

When they also visit, FIL spends the whole time watching sport on his phone, if we meet for dinner/breakfast will always ask for wi-fi code and will log on to watch sport in a restaurant...which I find incredibly rude given the amount fuss they make about seeing us!

Is this just pregnancy related aggravation I now have with the ILs or will this pass?

AIBU to feel irritated?

Your 'hubby' sounds like a bit of a lazy sap to be honest. Ignoring his parents for days, letting you respond to messages and then meekly standing ther like a nodding dog when you have to be the bad guy and say no. He needs to buck up a bit.

I do think you're both being a bit unfair to the extended family. Being invited to a party and having DH cousin visit is hardly offensive. And the excuse of 'no you can't come because I want to spend time with my hubby (who I live with)' is a bit pathetic towards a (DH) relative you've not seen for years and is in the area.

YABU because you have created this people pleasing dynamic and are resenting others for your behaviour. It sounds like you are a fully integrated, loved and valued member of their family. It doesn’t really sound like they’ve done anything wrong.

DH is another story, My sympathies, having a ‘Nice Guy’ partner is awful, you always look like the bad guy. He should have dealt with his cousin.

I would just say that when you start putting boundaries in place, please be mindful that you don’t make a classic people pleasing mistake of going from completely ignoring your needs to completely ignoring the perspectives of others. It’s perfectly acceptable, to decline invitations or push back to find alternative dates, just make sure while you do it’s clear you still value your ILs. Sometimes people can be so heavy-handed it becomes like a punishment that the other side doesn’t deserve. That being said with the best intentions in the world, but if your husband remains passive it will sabotage your efforts.

I found that when I was pregnant it made me put myself first, especially becoming heavily pregnant. It feels weird saying no to things especially as I was always a people pleaser - pregnancy made me feel like it was OK to start doing this when I knew I would be tired and just lack any interest in doing anything other than being at home or sorting baby bits out.

So I think being honest it sounds like your husband is the issue here, your in laws may think it’s you saying no rather than your husband… without realising it’s a mutual thing. I’d be a bit upset if my husband didn’t speak up to his family and say, sorry, we can’t come as she’s quite pregnant now and gets tired quick, maybe we will do x y or z when baby is here to celebrate. I think he’s making you look like the bad guy whilst trying to remain the good guy.

I would of done the same with the cousin inviting themselves over.

congratulations x

I’m with you OP. Pregnancy is the perfect time to set boundaries and make changes.

I recognise the sneaky “what food do you want in?” when you already said you weren’t going. And I love how you described to mil how the interaction would have felt fake and staged rather than “politely” going along with it. Good for you.

I had a big family via an ex and went through the same pressure. I always admired the people who had the guts to not turn up to things, knowing everyone else would tut.

Well done for standing up for yourself and speaking your mind! You’re right to put boundaries in place now before your baby is here. DH’s family so he should deal with them imo.