ILs so irritating since being pregnant

[NewMumsy0086]

Been with DH for 15 years, married for 3 and first (and only) child on the way imminently. I've had a great relationship with my ILs over the past 15 years, but since becoming pregnant, I can't seem to tolerate their demands or want to meet their expectations anymore.

Whenever there is a family event, we are basically ordered to attend as if its expectation rather than invitational. Usually dates and timings for gatherings over the last 15 years has been at the convenience of when my DHs younger brother can attend (as they have 3 kids), and I'm beginning to get tired of us living our lives around them at their convenience, rather than a mutually agreeable time and date.

MIL recently interfered and invited her neice to our house whilst she was holidaying in our area. This lead to an awkward incoming message to me on FB (not hubby) from his relative asking what our address is and will we be around on said dates for a visit?! To be honest, I've seen this person twice in our marriage at family gatherings, we aren't exactly friends and the last time I saw her was 6 years ago... I'm just married to her cousin (my husband)!. I declined her own invite to our home and messaged her back (I felt sorry for her as I'm sure she was encouraged to reach out to us by MIL to come round), and said im heavily pregnant and want to spend time with hubby so didn't want to commit to visitors at that time. But I was quite cross being put in an awkward position to have to turn this visit down, we don't associate with hubby's extended family outside of gatherings so I found it intrusive and wierd. Any way I said no and forgot about it. On the ILs next visit to ours (bit of yoyoing about that, as again they wanted all at their convenience and their retired 🙄) the MIL mentioned the cousin and their holiday to our area 3 times which I ignored, then the fourth time she said has 'x' been in touch, (I wanted hubby to interject but he was passive as ever,) I said yes and I've declined her coming round, we don't associate outside of gatherings and I think I'd find socialising one on one with them in OUR home after not seeing them for 6 years a bit staged and wierd...we would find the visit a forced interaction that we hadn't chosen nor are comfortable with. I just hated being put in this position, and looking like the bad guy! She said Oh OK, but looked really put out and there was dead silence afterwards....really awkward exchange and I end up feeling bad for saying how we both really felt about it.

We were round theirs on a visit and as we were leaving mentioned they were having a party in a two weeks - so we will see you then? I said unlikely, I'm pregnant getting bigger and we've got stuff to do round the house. MIL messaged a day before asking me what food we wanted for said party, again, I was the left telling them we wouldn't be going as had stuff to do...again I'm the one delivering all the nos. I guess I'm just getting hacked off with being bossed and herded around by by ILs and also getting so frustrated at how passive my husband is....he doesn't defend us or our time, it's so unattractive? I don't want to be dominated when our baby comes along, I just want to have choice...and I do actually want them included in our lives, but not in an overbearing way,when its suitable for us too and want to feel like it is OK to say no every now and again, without the expectation and awkwardness.

When they also visit, FIL spends the whole time watching sport on his phone, if we meet for dinner/breakfast will always ask for wi-fi code and will log on to watch sport in a restaurant...which I find incredibly rude given the amount fuss they make about seeing us!

Is this just pregnancy related aggravation I now have with the ILs or will this pass?

AIBU to feel irritated?

The reason she invited the random cousin is because she has no boundaries and considers your home to be an extension of her home, therefore she can invite whomever she wants there.
You need to make sure she is punished or humiliated for every transgression.

I said yes and I've declined her coming round, we don't associate outside of gatherings and I think I'd find socialising one on one with them in OUR home after not seeing them for 6 years a bit staged and wierd...we would find the visit a forced interaction that we hadn't chosen nor are comfortable with. I just hated being put in this position, and looking like the bad guy!

You actually said that to your MIL, who you profess to having had a good relationship with?
MIL probably thought it was a nice idea as cousin was in the area. You could have just said yes but we couldn't find a day to suit, which is actually true because no day would suit you.
There is absolutely no need for you to be so rude (AKA saying how you really feel about it).
You need to get from up your own arse.

....and don't be surprised if your MIL isn't there for you if you need her in the future.

It doesn't sound like a stay it sound alike she was visiting in the area and thought it would be nice to catch up over a cuppa. Big bloody deal

I think it's so weird to say no to a visiting family member.

You're pregnant, we get it. The world doesn't stop.

The issue is everything is going through you not your husband so just say to MIL to direct Invites to him. But I can see this not being good enough for you either because he will say "mil has invited us to x" and you'll be like "pft I'm always left out the loop, I'm not fucking going"

Blah blah. Just have your baby, become antisocial and get divorced.
The end. :)

Did you ask your DH before you told his relative to FO? I would be pissed if my other half didnt even consult me.
You cant go to their party as you have things to do? Why cant you just do them before or after?
You just sound hard work, I am amazed they even invite you

Haha, yes spot on. OP seems to say shes pregnant as an excuse for her behaviour

Why isn’t dh dealing with all this? They are his relatives.

Two — you sound very regimented, even hostile, about how much contact you have with your extended ILs, despite saying you’ve had a ‘great relationship’ for 15 years. You also sound resentful as hell about invitations, and that timings of family get togethers have tended to prioritise the family with three young children.

She is a control freak

I agree with this. OP sounds like she is playing the pregnant card.

Is there a difference in background or culture Op?
I’m northern and that if you are ever in area do pop in is very much how my mum is. She lives in a seaside place and even her former neighbours would call in.

"seems to say shes pregnant as an excuse for her behaviour"

@PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling what behaviour does she need to excuse? Not wanting a home visit from someone she isn't close with and hasn't seen for 6 years? Or not wanting to go to a party? Tbh I don't do or go anywhere that I'm not happy with unless it's part of my job 😂 I don't need an excuse for that!

MIL recently interfered and invited her neice to our house whilst she was holidaying in our area. This lead to an awkward incoming message to me on FB (not hubby) from his relative asking what our address is and will we be around on said dates for a visit?!

So she didn't invite the niece to your house? She (at most, but you don't actually know this) suggested the niece get in touch with you to arrange a visit?
I get that you don't feel like you know her, but it's weird to be annoyed at the suggestion she comes to see you and DH. And most people wouldn't turn down a day visit (was it just a daytime visit, not staying overnight?) because they're pregnant. I do think it's weird she messaged you though, not your DH. I'd probably have asked me DH to get in touch with her, rather than saying no myself - I assume you discussed her visiting with your husband before saying no?

I thought it was just to visit?

OP doesn't have to go to the party if she doesn't want to, or host the cousin. The issue is that she is also answering for her husband and being pretty rude about it too.

I don’t think your in laws are in the wrong Op, I think it might be your hormones talking … I say that as someone who struggled through pregnancy. If their behaviour was fine for 15 years and now suddenly it’s not, it’s you that’s changed and not them. Likewise about your husband- if you want him to speak up more tell him. I’m sure he’s always let you take the lead and you’ve only just now begun to take notice.

For the record, hubby was consulted and didn't want them to visit either and felt it wouldve been an awkward visit - I was just left being the messenger!
To be fair the cousin probably didn't want to come either, like I said all a forced interaction from MIL. Hubby doesn't socialise with them either not exactly on mobile phone number terms - to me like strangers coming to your house, it just felt wierd to me!
We've also holidayed with them twice this year already (I do more than my fair share to please them, I can tell you that) with them and see them every 3rd week too (with little effort from them to see us). I guess I'm tired and cranky (still working FT) getting no sleep at the minute and just want some weekends of peace and preparing for baby, I thought they'd understand that rather than being put out and being expected to be at everything for everyone else. The party again was a family history party (no birthday event or anything), but to go through the family tree (again I'm sorry but both hubby and I aren't interested in it and know all about the updates when we visit anyway - well I have to sit and listen to it, whilst he watches sport in their kitchen 😂). Maybe we've seen them too much?!
My hubby feels the same, but doesn't say...

Bit much to decline a party invite in two weeks cos you've got stuff to do around the house. I think that's rude and strange. I think you've gone into major irritability mode due to pregnancy; it's normal! But maybe try to bare it in mind and fight against it

Absolutely not being unreasonable, love. Pregnancy can really turn up the dial on our emotions, but it sounds like you've got a proper case of the in-laws overstepping their boundaries. Have a chat with your hubby about it, yeah? It's alright to put your foot down and say no, especially now when you've got a little one on the way. You're not being difficult, you're just looking after yourself and your bub. Hang in there!

I can't believe some of the replies on this thread!

OP is not rude or even ND for wanting some boundaries!!

Why shouldn't she decline a party if she doesn't want to go? It's that simple. You don't want to go don't.

The PIL sound pushy and rude, they should not be trying to dictate like this.

Ok on second thoughts - wtf is a family history party? I wouldn't want to go to that either😂

The husband agrees with her but is a spineless, silent coward apparently... Going by her update

I've read a few posts like this and you feel how you feel.
I think it's sad really that families don't want to get together or have to make appointments months in advance to visit. How long would the niece have stayed? a hour or so probably- time for a cup of tea and a piece of cake and a chat about the family goings on. You seem a tad rude really the way you're behaving with your in laws; there might come a time when you need their support without an appointment lets hope they're a little more gracious.

I don't think I've read what other posters have since I agree with you op, they sound suffocating.

Why are you doing all the life admin? If my partner's cousin messaged me I would simply reply "hi, do you have my partner's contact details?"
If my MIL asked me if a cousin had contacted me I wouldn't dance around the houses. I'd challenge her back and demand to know why she thought it was acceptable to arrange something not at her home, for someone you don't know and without speaking to her own son.

You have your own friends/life to be organising, this is just taking over your time which you're never going to get back.

If MIL asks about the party say "I don't know, what did your son say?" And when she replies "nothing" say - well there's your answer then!

Exactly that, I'm left with all the corresponding, when I do have family of my own to help look after and fit in. I just find it all overwhelming sometimes.