Page 9 | How to politely ask FIL to NOT touch me

Bluesky5512 · 2023-07-30T06:38:54+00:00

I’ve known FIL for the last 15ish years. He is 75. He has been a thorough gentleman all through. Inlaws live in the US, we visit them every year. MIL passed away a couple of years ago in a sudden accident. Ever since FIL has been visiting us more often and at times staying for 2-3 months at a time. We stuck a friendship during his recent visits. We talk about politics, astronomy (is was a professor) and yoga (my passion). I see him as a father figure and a friend. DH works in a hospital and I work from home. I take FIL out and about with me - grocery, school runs etc He has been acting weird lately. Pinching my cheeks, Putting his hands on my shoulder, and yesterday on my waist. WTF !! I was totally taken back and he doesn’t seem to realise. He was never a “creep” IYKWIM. But this touchy behaviour is making me very uncomfortable. I don’t know how to tell him to stop without ruining our friendship.

SerafinasGoose · 30/07/2023 12:54

PimpMyFridge · 30/07/2023 12:50

Dodge him / push his hand away and say No Thank You.
Clear, non confrontational, but most importantly, clear.

Very good advice.

tootallfortheshelf · 30/07/2023 12:58

'Oi leave it out mate'
(In your gruffest voice)
If this happened to me that would be the most polite response I would be able to give, if someone tried to pinch my cheek I would physically shove them away hard

Mummy08m · 30/07/2023 12:59

But if you don’t like being touched then try to convey that without making out like he’s a pervert for wanting to show physical affection

Nah. Op, don't worry about how you make him feel. Just do whatever you need to do to avoid this happening again. Whether that means a stern word or just not seeing him any more (would be my preferred option)

Your FIL doesn't give a monkeys about how uncomfortable he makes you feel by pinching your cheek or putting his hand on your waist. He does it because he wants to feel your waist.

He wants to touch your waist so that he can have the pleasure of feeling your waist.

Do not prioritise saving his pride or keeping the peace.

tootallfortheshelf · 30/07/2023 13:00

Imagine if he did that to a man, imagine what kind of response he would get . . .
Of course he wouldn't because he knows fine well the man might lamp him one, but because you're a woman he thinks he can rely on your being submissive and him being able to push your boundaries
Urgh☹️

orangeyeahthatsright · 30/07/2023 13:24

Denimdreams · 30/07/2023 07:57

Jesus Christ!
Women aren't support animals for men's needs!
So what if he needs " touch"
It's not for him to just go round touching anyone he likes.

Show quote history

This 100%!!! Bloody hell. Just because someone enjoys physical affection does not mean they get to touch whoever they like however they like.

PimpMyFridge · 30/07/2023 13:34

The fil had already expressed views which show he doesn't believe that women should have their own agency. He isn't overt enough to stamp on op when op contradicted these views... But now he's closer and enjoying more emotional intimacy his pov of women's place is underwriting his entitlement to touch her in a way that wasn't part of their relationship before.

His motive for wanting to do this is irrelevant. So, bereaved or whatever is irrelevant.

He's a guy who thinks women's role is to be a support act to the important humans and he's decided the time is ripe to take his liberties.

tootallfortheshelf · 30/07/2023 13:50

He wants to touch your waist so that he can have the pleasure of feeling your waist
Yes, he's doing it because you're young and attractive and he enjoys touching young attractive women. He doesn't do it to men because he doesn't find them and attractive or enjoy touching them.
He's indulging himself.

TucSandwich · 30/07/2023 14:04

God I've got the right ick just reading this. If your relationship is now ruined it's totally on him.

blahblahblah1654 · 30/07/2023 14:10

Have you mentioned it to your husband? What does he say. Perhaps he can say something to FIL. If my FIL was being a creep I'd definitely say something.

PuzzledObserver · 30/07/2023 14:19

Do you know why you dont like to be touched? If you do share that with him.

Why should she have to???

I know why I don’t like being touched - because I was sexually assaulted when I was six. But that’s my information and I decide with whom I share it, and when.

Plus - think of the implication of what you’re saying: there are valid reasons for not wanting to be touched, and if you’ve got one, you should tell people….. but if you haven’t got a valid reason, you should grow up and accept the touch. That’s the message you are conveying.

Sod that. No-one has to accept any touch from anybody that they don’t want to. And they don’t have to explain why.

SequentialAnalyst · 30/07/2023 15:02

Just say sharply "please don't touch me" immediately he tries to. Every time.

You may hestitate to do this the first time, for fear of embarrassing yourself. Overcome the hesitation, it will be easier the next time (if there is one). And don't get into an argument about what you've done, or try to explain or justify yourself.

He's the one that should be embarrassed.

stallonesbicep · 30/07/2023 15:29

PuzzledObserver · 30/07/2023 14:19

Do you know why you dont like to be touched? If you do share that with him.

Why should she have to???

I know why I don’t like being touched - because I was sexually assaulted when I was six. But that’s my information and I decide with whom I share it, and when.

Plus - think of the implication of what you’re saying: there are valid reasons for not wanting to be touched, and if you’ve got one, you should tell people….. but if you haven’t got a valid reason, you should grow up and accept the touch. That’s the message you are conveying.

Sod that. No-one has to accept any touch from anybody that they don’t want to. And they don’t have to explain why.

Agree. Its an awful attitude. I was not sexually abused as a child, does that mean I have to let men put their hands on me whenever they feel like it because I dont therefore have a valid "reason" to say no? Fck right off with that. Noone needs to provide a reason to not want to be touched by men. Men have no right to go around touching women's bodies without their express consent. End of.

Original poster

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 15:33

I haven’t told DH yet. I feel he’ll say I’m being overly sensitive. His mom was a bit of a narcissist, so he struggles to see the shit his parents do and even if it’s obvious, it’s just easier for him to blame me rather than stand up to them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 15:38

Dealing with this is 100% on me

OP posts:

PimpMyFridge · 30/07/2023 16:05

When you remove his hand or dodge him and say No Thank You (or whatever, just keep it short and sweet). Be prepared for the 'What's the matter can't I hug my Dil?' or 'only being friendly' or whatever retort which is designed to make you doubt your reaction, or make you feel unreasonable.
Just ignore the discomfort, stick to your guns and say, 'it's no thanks and that's that'.
Don't explain
Don't apologise
If he doubles down - repeat
If he goes moody - ignore
If he maintains an uncomfortable silence - let him
If he demands an explanation/What's up with you - repeat.
Calm, solid, clear.

blahblahblah1654 · 30/07/2023 16:07

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 15:33

I haven’t told DH yet. I feel he’ll say I’m being overly sensitive. His mom was a bit of a narcissist, so he struggles to see the shit his parents do and even if it’s obvious, it’s just easier for him to blame me rather than stand up to them.

It's pretty shitty if your DH blames you! I wouldn't keep it secret anyway in case the behaviour escalates as he's testing his boundaries. Next time please tell him to stop and/or move away.

PimpMyFridge · 30/07/2023 16:09

It's a pity you know your DH won't be a help in this scenario, but that's what toxic family dynamics do to people, they f* them up.
Doesn't mean you can't break the pattern of bending to the will or not daring to exert boundaries. All our to you op.
What he's doing is a cheek and ick-worthy and why he is doing it is nothing you need to worry about. Its perfectly ok to put a firm stop to it without concerning yourself with his feelings.

lemmein · 30/07/2023 16:10

'Oi, Mr Handsy - rap it in or I'll chop it off!'

Or....you could do a dramatic scream every time, like that Catherine Tate character who is startled by everything!

Seriously though, I would really hate this, a hand around the waist is really quite intimate. It sounds like he's escalating too, pinching cheeks to touching your shoulder and now your waist - it's not ok and you're more than reasonable to tell him bluntly to keep his fucking hands to himself.

Mirabai · 30/07/2023 16:10

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 15:33

I haven’t told DH yet. I feel he’ll say I’m being overly sensitive. His mom was a bit of a narcissist, so he struggles to see the shit his parents do and even if it’s obvious, it’s just easier for him to blame me rather than stand up to them.

Explain that age related brain changes can affect behaviour of elderly people, that this behaviour is new and you need help dealing with it.

If he’s intelligent surely he will understand that?

PimpMyFridge · 30/07/2023 16:12

lemmein · 30/07/2023 16:10

'Oi, Mr Handsy - rap it in or I'll chop it off!'

Or....you could do a dramatic scream every time, like that Catherine Tate character who is startled by everything!

Seriously though, I would really hate this, a hand around the waist is really quite intimate. It sounds like he's escalating too, pinching cheeks to touching your shoulder and now your waist - it's not ok and you're more than reasonable to tell him bluntly to keep his fucking hands to himself.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Mummy08m · 30/07/2023 16:21

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 15:33

I haven’t told DH yet. I feel he’ll say I’m being overly sensitive. His mom was a bit of a narcissist, so he struggles to see the shit his parents do and even if it’s obvious, it’s just easier for him to blame me rather than stand up to them.

I'm really sorry to hear this update. I would feel pretty devastated if dh didn't back me up in something like this.

If it was me I'd go back to my proposed plan A, which is meet FIL far less, keep a table physically between you when you have to see him, be vigilant and avoid him as much as you can.

Everything you say about both FIL and your DH tell me that it'd be explosive if you say anything to FIL. FIL would bad mouth you to your DH and cause drama, I hate drama.

I hope you're wrong about your DH though because this update makes him sound like a very bad partner

housingplanningquestion · 30/07/2023 16:23

'FIL, you've been more affectionate recently. I'm glad you are feeling welcome and comfortable with us. Can I ask you to stop touching me? I know you don't mean anything by it, but I'm not a person who is comfortable with casual touching. My personal space is very important to me. Is that OK? Do you think you will be able to change that behaviour?'

If he continues, 'FIL I've asked you to stop touching me. This is important. Are you forgetting that I've said that? What is going on here?'

If he still continues, medical assessment / stop seeing him. Would that work?

PuzzledObserver · 30/07/2023 16:23

@stallonesbicep I agree 100% - you don’t have to have any reason other than you don’t like it.

You don’t owe men (or anyone, actually) access to your body. Nor do you owe them an explanation as to why you don’t want their touch.

BasiliskStare · 30/07/2023 16:28

I agree with a couple of posters here - there is no answer needed except - please don't do that I don't like it. & say it every time and if he carries on - I have told you I do not like this - please stop. Whatever his reasons don't matter - the point is you don't like it so just tell him to stop.

PuzzledObserver · 30/07/2023 16:33

housingplanningquestion · 30/07/2023 16:23

'FIL, you've been more affectionate recently. I'm glad you are feeling welcome and comfortable with us. Can I ask you to stop touching me? I know you don't mean anything by it, but I'm not a person who is comfortable with casual touching. My personal space is very important to me. Is that OK? Do you think you will be able to change that behaviour?'

If he continues, 'FIL I've asked you to stop touching me. This is important. Are you forgetting that I've said that? What is going on here?'

If he still continues, medical assessment / stop seeing him. Would that work?

It’s a no from me to that approach. She doesn’t need his permission to ask him to stop touching her, or to ask if it’s OK, or ask if he can change his behaviour. What does she do if he says no?

A bit of a shrug/swerve to avoid or end the contact, combined with “Please don’t touch me like that, I don’t like it.”

If he argues, or “forgets”, then it’s avoidance tactics - limit contact, make sure there’s a table between them etc.

I have had to do the furniture between tactic twice with men who for work-related reasons I could not completely avoid but who hadn’t done anything which was overt enough to have counted as assault, although they totally gave me the ick. It worked. They didn’t like it, but it worked in that they couldn’t get near me.

Actually - full disclosure - in neither case had I said anything to them first. But I was young, they were a lot older, and the power politics meant I might have been seen to have been being unreasonable had I told them not to touch me. Cos, you know - they hadn’t actually groped me. So I did what I needed to do to make sure they couldn’t get even the little bit of thrill they were presumably getting from what they were doing.