Page 8 | How to politely ask FIL to NOT touch me

Bluesky5512 · 2023-07-30T06:38:54+00:00

I’ve known FIL for the last 15ish years. He is 75. He has been a thorough gentleman all through. Inlaws live in the US, we visit them every year. MIL passed away a couple of years ago in a sudden accident. Ever since FIL has been visiting us more often and at times staying for 2-3 months at a time. We stuck a friendship during his recent visits. We talk about politics, astronomy (is was a professor) and yoga (my passion). I see him as a father figure and a friend. DH works in a hospital and I work from home. I take FIL out and about with me - grocery, school runs etc He has been acting weird lately. Pinching my cheeks, Putting his hands on my shoulder, and yesterday on my waist. WTF !! I was totally taken back and he doesn’t seem to realise. He was never a “creep” IYKWIM. But this touchy behaviour is making me very uncomfortable. I don’t know how to tell him to stop without ruining our friendship.

momonpurpose · 30/07/2023 11:51

DustyLee123 · 30/07/2023 07:42

Are there any signs of dementia ? This can make them frisky.
Other than that you need to tell DH that he makes you feel uncomfortable and why.

No no no. Dementia and loneliness does NOT make it ok. He can get a dog if he needs to touch something. My God would you say this to your daughter????

momonpurpose · 30/07/2023 11:52

nobird · 30/07/2023 07:53

He might not think it’s creepy. Maybe he misses the human touch and affection and I don’t mean in a sexual way.

It doesn’t sound massively creepy to me… he’s a part of your family that you’ve known fifteen years and he’s probably grateful to have you and his son, especially as his wife died only a year ago. I wouldn’t be assuming he’s making a move on you.

If him touching your waist is unacceptable try taking his hands on yours and giving them a friendly squeeze and moving away. Each time he touches you in a way you don’t like, do the same. Do you really think pinching your cheek or putting hands on your shoulders is weird? I think it’s weird that you think it is.

Not all touch is meant in a creepy, harmful way and it sounds to me that he’s just trying to show you he appreciates having you in his life as a daughter figure. But if you don’t like being touched then try to convey that without making out like he’s a pervert for wanting to show physical affection. Men need hugs and touch too.

Does his son give his dad hugs at all?

WOW

momonpurpose · 30/07/2023 11:53

momonpurpose · 30/07/2023 11:51

No no no. Dementia and loneliness does NOT make it ok. He can get a dog if he needs to touch something. My God would you say this to your daughter????

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Apologies Dusty. I quoted the wrong post! 3 hours of sleep and at the airport

LuvSmallDogs · 30/07/2023 11:54

If you and FIL get on well otherwise and you believe he values his relationship with you, could you say "I feel really uncomfortable being touched like this, I don't want to stop coming to see you but I will have to if it carries on".

You said FIL's daughter doesn't care much, by this do you mean she isn't round FIL a lot? Sadly, if FIL is very conservative, he might feel uncomfortable being physically affectionate with his adult son beyond a pat on the back. I had a coworker years ago who was utterly contemptuous of his younger colleagues "man-hugging", I think he called it "their gay-boy behaviour". 😳

BMW6 · 30/07/2023 11:55

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/07/2023 11:43

Except he isn't touching his own son more, he's touching you. Just you. More.

Losing his wife doesn't give him the right to touch you as he pleases.

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This! If he wants physical contact he can hug his son!

Why is he touching YOU more than before? Because you are female? Fuck that!

dorriss · 30/07/2023 11:58

a bit ageist to call it demential.And older people are not 'them'.Maybe he needs physical touch and misses it.But yes you have to tell him

dorriss · 30/07/2023 12:00

i find hugging is often forced on one and means often nothing.Hugging is not a sign of kindness as some of the biggest huggers in my life have shafted me.But yes homophobia not good.

blahblahblah1654 · 30/07/2023 12:03

Just move away next time. He'll get the message. I find I do that automatically if someone gets too close for comfort

Daffodilwoman · 30/07/2023 12:04

I think it is creepy.
Why isn’t he putting his hands around his son’s waist and pinching his cheeks?
Tell your dh immediately and tell him he must tell fil to stop it.
Also tell him yourself to stop, do it straight away. Just say “Stop doing that, I don’t like it.” And move away from him. If he continues I would tell your dh that you don’t want to be around him so he will have to take annual leave and spend time with fil if he keeps visiting.
Many, many men believe they are entitled to women’s undivided attention. They also believe they have a right to be with younger women.
You might have thought he was a great guy when with mil but lots of men are like this.

tootallfortheshelf · 30/07/2023 12:09

Don't be polite, remove his hand immediately and briskly and say don't do that.

Blossomtoes · 30/07/2023 12:10

ArcticSkewer · 30/07/2023 11:07

Start with a check up with his GP or equivalent. That won't as such help you to get him to stop touching you but at least you can identify the health related reason why it's started
I'm not sure what there is that can stop a person with dementia or parkinsons from displaying inappropriate sexual behaviour but perhaps there is medication. Once you know what you are dealing with then you can start to investigate that route
Be aware that this may also be happening or may start happening to other women he meets or is in contact with. The sooner it is addressed the better, in case of police involvement.
Have you raised this with other family members, in particular those who may be able to see other day to day changes that may be relevant for a health professional to know about?

Start with a check up with his GP or equivalent.

How’s that work? You can’t make appointments with a GP on behalf of another adult without their consent.

EerieSilence · 30/07/2023 12:10

nobird · 30/07/2023 07:53

He might not think it’s creepy. Maybe he misses the human touch and affection and I don’t mean in a sexual way.

It doesn’t sound massively creepy to me… he’s a part of your family that you’ve known fifteen years and he’s probably grateful to have you and his son, especially as his wife died only a year ago. I wouldn’t be assuming he’s making a move on you.

If him touching your waist is unacceptable try taking his hands on yours and giving them a friendly squeeze and moving away. Each time he touches you in a way you don’t like, do the same. Do you really think pinching your cheek or putting hands on your shoulders is weird? I think it’s weird that you think it is.

Not all touch is meant in a creepy, harmful way and it sounds to me that he’s just trying to show you he appreciates having you in his life as a daughter figure. But if you don’t like being touched then try to convey that without making out like he’s a pervert for wanting to show physical affection. Men need hugs and touch too.

Does his son give his dad hugs at all?

Fucking hell!!!! Why do we women always feel like we need to be some sort of little furry submissive creatures, always smiling, always nice, so all people feel comfortable around us why we feel like shit because we're grabbed against our will?
Touchy behaviour is inappropriate if the touched side doesn't feel comfortable about it.
This is the biggest problem with our culture. A man being touched against his will will simply say that. As women, we are being told to shut up and just go with the flow because otherwise we are some sort of hysterical harpies.

@Bluesky5512 - these are the signs of dementia. We had an elderly neighbour who started like this. It will only get worse. Please talk to your family about it.

Daffodilwoman · 30/07/2023 12:12

Perhaps there is a reason his daughter doesn’t care much. Think about it. She is not obliged to tell you anything.
I’m reminded of a friend I had. Her ex last fil tried it on with her. The last time he dragged her onto the floor, climbed on top of her and tried to force himself onto her. Everyone thought he was ‘a great guy.’

ripplingwater · 30/07/2023 12:12

Daffodilwoman · 30/07/2023 12:04

I think it is creepy.
Why isn’t he putting his hands around his son’s waist and pinching his cheeks?
Tell your dh immediately and tell him he must tell fil to stop it.
Also tell him yourself to stop, do it straight away. Just say “Stop doing that, I don’t like it.” And move away from him. If he continues I would tell your dh that you don’t want to be around him so he will have to take annual leave and spend time with fil if he keeps visiting.
Many, many men believe they are entitled to women’s undivided attention. They also believe they have a right to be with younger women.
You might have thought he was a great guy when with mil but lots of men are like this.

I agree, its creepy. If it was just about affection then why isnt he doing it to his son or daughter?

Noone is entitled to affection, not even if they are lonely. Noone is entitled to touch someone, even if they are lonely, same way that noone is entitled to sex if they are sexually frustrated. Some comments on this thread mystify me- the idea that women are responsible for men's loneliness and are therefore obliged to hug them and touch them even when they dont want to because "he's lonely". No. Just no. Loneliness doesnt trump other people's personal boundaries. If he truly is lonely, there are many, many groups or activities he could join in the community to chat to others, strike up friendships and have interaction. But he doesnt seem to want that, he just wants to touch a much younger woman yet conversely shows no interest in hugging his own son. Creepy AF.

Willmafrockfit · 30/07/2023 12:12

is he american?
and you are british?

so speak to him like an american!
british are reserved, tell him so

MixedBlessings · 30/07/2023 12:39

Denimdreams · 30/07/2023 07:57

Jesus Christ!
Women aren't support animals for men's needs!
So what if he needs " touch"
It's not for him to just go round touching anyone he likes.

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And they never touch other men in the same way do they?

EerieSilence · 30/07/2023 12:40

MixedBlessings · 30/07/2023 12:39

And they never touch other men in the same way do they?

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They shouldn't for sure. Consent goes both ways.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/07/2023 12:42

I'd find someone pinching my cheek incredibly weird. Isn't that a patronising gesture made exclusively by socially awkward old people towards young children?

It would be hard not to respond with a 'WTF?', a big step back and frown, or a light push away.

Who goes around pinching other adults' cheeks?

SerafinasGoose · 30/07/2023 12:46

mangochops · 30/07/2023 08:33

I agree with the blunt and polite approach. It doesnt matter what his reasons are, if someone doesnt want to be touched, that is the end of it and they shouldnt be touched.

As PP have suggested, I'd say "FIL, I really dont like being touched. I'm not a touchy feely person" then move the conversation on. Repeat every time it happens, firmly but politely. That isnt rude, its affirming a boundary, politely.

Agreed, and it's disappointing (but unfortunately predictable) how many posters have responded merely to tell OP to ignore her personal boundaries.

No, women don't just have to grin and get on with it when something makes us feel uncomfortable. FGS, why are some people still so hellbent on hammering home that message?

OP, if it makes you feel uncomfortable that's the only consideration that matters. Its a tough situation because you're fond of him, but as per the above post, politely stating and reinstating a boundary is a request for the very least of the courtesies you're entitled to expect. Unfortunately you're going to have to rinse and repeat until he gets the message. You could also reasure him that it's nothing personal.

It's rather concerning that this is a sudden change in the behaviour dynamic between the two of you as you've always known it. Of course this alone will feel discombobulating, so the dynamic gently needs restating the way it was (and perhaps a careful eye kept on FiL to ensure he's okay). But it has to be owned that pinching the cheeks of another adult is odd, intantalizing, and quite disrespectful behaviour. That's not to suggest it's sexual or 'creepy', it's just in no way appropriate.

OP - YANBU. Personal, physical boundaries are sacrosanct - always.

Anyport · 30/07/2023 12:47

Just turn round the next time and say please don't touch me because I am uncomfortable with it. If he ignores your request then you will have to be a bit more forceable.

GalaApples · 30/07/2023 12:49

As you value the friendship with him, I would say "FIL, you know I value our friendship and enjoy your company, but really I am not a touchy-feely person". You could also add, "So I don't enjoy your hands on me". If he persists, talk to your DH and get him to speak to FIL, as ignoring your direct statement means there would me more to this.

PimpMyFridge · 30/07/2023 12:50

Dodge him / push his hand away and say No Thank You.
Clear, non confrontational, but most importantly, clear.

PimpMyFridge · 30/07/2023 12:50

He's encroaching and pushing boundaries... Nip. It. In. The. Bud.

tootallfortheshelf · 30/07/2023 12:52

If someone tried to pinch my cheek 😲
I think I might grab his nose and yank it
Ducking hell who does that😬

SerafinasGoose · 30/07/2023 12:53

Why do we women always feel like we need to be some sort of little furry submissive creatures, always smiling, always nice, so all people feel comfortable around us why we feel like shit because we're grabbed against our will?

This is a question that occurs to me pretty much every time I visit this site. The sheer mountains of advice to women with variations around this theme - be nice; be kind to the men; what if he has depression; rude/selfish are the worst two things you can be; make sure you let him down 'gently' - is pretty astonishing for a site with a reasonably educationed, intelligent user base.

Women are allowed to have boundaries. We don't have to tolerate unwanted behaviour, much less tolerating it with a fixed smile plastered upon our faces. Because ... Be Kind.