How to politely ask FIL to NOT touch me

[Bluesky5512]

I’ve known FIL for the last 15ish years. He is 75. He has been a thorough gentleman all through. Inlaws live in the US, we visit them every year. MIL passed away a couple of years ago in a sudden accident. Ever since FIL has been visiting us more often and at times staying for 2-3 months at a time. We stuck a friendship during his recent visits. We talk about politics, astronomy (is was a professor) and yoga (my passion). I see him as a father figure and a friend. DH works in a hospital and I work from home. I take FIL out and about with me - grocery, school runs etc

He has been acting weird lately. Pinching my cheeks, Putting his hands on my shoulder, and yesterday on my waist. WTF !! I was totally taken back and he doesn’t seem to realise. He was never a “creep” IYKWIM. But this touchy behaviour is making me very uncomfortable. I don’t know how to tell him to stop without ruining our friendship.

I think words are not your friend here, actions are. I would move away every time he did this. A subtle shaking off move is also good if he touches your arm. Shrug your shoulders if he puts his hands on them. Take a step back if he pinches your cheeks (WTF!!) or even better move back if you can preempt him.

I agree that he is testing boundaries. He puts his hands on you, you shake them off / move away. Horrible to have to do this, but he is putting you in this horrible position.

I have a friend who is overly touchy feeling and I told him clearly not to touch me a while ago. He stopped for a bit, but started up again, and this strategy of not accepting his touch worked well.

Good luck. WhoTF gives a shit WHY he's doing this, you have to protect and project your boundaries and hold firm. Hopefully it won't take much of this, but it isn't something you should tolerate, even though you're friends as well as in laws.

OK I've not read the whole the thread because I wanted to skip the arguing about boundaries.

As someone said, it could be down to several innocent things (or not), but the op doesn't have to put up with it.

Op - I would go with whatever style is your usual. If you are used to calling him out on things, go with your usual approach. In your shoes I'd probably go with obvious physical communication - pushing him away, dodging him, making a face. Add in a firm "don't do that".

You shouldn't need to go into a full on confrontation but don't be afraid to if you need to. If it sours your friendship for a while or forever then...so be it. His problem, really, not yours.

I'd aim to approach kindly but firmly, until/unless there becomes a need to do otherwise.

We should all be taught how to deal with difficult situations at school but weren't!

Do you know why you dont like to be touched? If you do share that with him. But whetther you do or dont know why you dont like being touched, you need to tell him that you don't like being touched. You dont need to offish ir shappy about it. Just say it. That's it.

@Mirabai Ok, I will concede it’s relevant if appropriate techniques to stop the touching can be offered.

My problem with some comments on this thread has been the pressure for the OP to excuse the behaviour - because dementia or because he’s lonely or whatever.

As long as it’s not offered in that way and there is actual support - like @ArcticSkewer ’s useful post - then it’s helpful. Otherwise just more fodder for women quashing their needs.

So the fuck what? Seriously??

Inappropriate sexualised behaviour in the elderly is often the first sign of dementia but so the fuck what?

Maybe he'd like some treatment to slow down progress of his health condition? Medication to help him? Time to prepare his affairs? I dunno, what do you think? Just fuck him and his health? Jesus!

Just move away from his touch when he does it. Move away immediately. He should get the message.
If not then eventually you'll have to have a polite "Im not a touchy feeling person conversation."

This!

No means no. Why should you put up with it as he’s lonely? It sounds like he’s emotionally put you as his partner. 2-3months is so bad to have someone that long. I’d be 2-3 days!

You are totally his female companion in life now and he’s trying more.
Especially with his views on women’s place in the world

Wow you guys are really misinterpreting my posts.

‘So the fuck what’ refers to:

• his motivation isn’t important if we focus on supporting the OP in how to make it stop.

• concentrating on why he does it may pressurise the OP to put up with it.

So just to make it clear, yes dementia needs to be treated, yes dementia can cause these behaviours. Yes it is relevant to him and how his family cope with his care.

But the OP is asking how to make unwanted touching stop.

Hi @Bluesky5512 I would find those touches (very) uncomfortable too. I can see why he has probably changed since his wife's death, and now wants/needs more physical contact, but there is no-way you should have to put up with them. I think that his Son needs to have some discussions with his Dad, and gently explain to him that although you love him, and the conversations that you have with him, you are not a very tactile person, so could he please stop touching you.

I think that if he then does it again it will be much easier for you to move slightly away from him, and say something along the lines of "I thought Dave told you Dad that I don't like being touched, so please try not to. It doesn't mean that I don't love or care for you, it is just that in my family we were not very tactile".

Apart from an initial hug and a kiss on the cheek when I see someone I care about, I absolutely hate being touched by, or having my personal space taken up by, most other people. There are only 9 people who I love giving hugs to, and having cuddles from, and 3 of them are my Grandchildren! The others are my Husband, my Children and their long-term partners (I am very lucky that they have absolutely wonderful partners, who I love very much).

Unfortunately for me, only my first born is at all a tactile person, so I never try to hug any of the others apart from my youngest Grandchildren who are still babies. But as soon as they show that they don't want hugging or kissing anymore, I will stop. I don't agree with making children give grandma, or auntie or anyone really, a hug and/or a kiss, if they don't want to.

My oldest Granddaughter has not been keen on being hugged or kissed since she was about 2.5 years old, and when her Mum used to tell her to give her Grandma or Granddad (us) a kiss goodbye when she very obviously didn't want to, I would ask her Mum to not force her to, but I would also laugh and tell my DGD how much I loved her, and then blow her a kiss, which she would then often bat away with her hand - but we would grin at each other as she did it!

I think that the PPs on here who wouldn't mind having their cheeks pinched, or having hands put on their shoulders (which is often a way of restraining people and having control over them), or even an arm around their waist, by anyone who isn't their partner or a young family member, are the strange ones. I really do think that his behaviour needs nipping in the bud sooner rather than later - which has probably already happened by now as my one finger tying on my phone takes me so long! If it hasn't been sorted yet OP then I am wishing you lots of luck in getting things back on an even keel very soon. 💐💐💐

Sorry what? Seriously WTAF?

”Do you know why you don’t like to be touched?”
Did you ask that as to why she’s not putting up with unwanted sexual contact? Which hands on waist and back is. Why should we put up with it. If we wouldn’t accept it from a stranger in the street or an office worker stalking our daughter then not for us. Fucking hell.

It’s not weird at all. You are not weird.

is he touching your husband more?

He's 75. It's in the first line of the OP.

Just say, oh don't do that please, I don't like it.

No

i would just step away
feels wrong somehow to say dont touch

It is never wrong to tell someone not to touch you if you don't feel comfortable with it.

Develop a reflex reaction. Like whacking him in the nuts or a slap in the face. Oops, sorry FIL, I react badly to being touched.

YANBU!

Exactly! It just feels wrong to say. He lost his wife, his daughter doesn’t care much. He only has us for some kind of “family” connection. I don’t want to offend him or make him feel unwelcome.

just that I don’t want to be touched. that’s all.

There are two issues here:

FIL lost his wife suddenly a mere two years ago. He may be missing physical contact (my step-mum who was NEVER physically demonstrative, quite the opposite, when her partner was alive, suddenly became very touchy feely after he died, so desperate that she sometimes asked for hugs 😞). Or he may have any of the getting older issues that everyone is referring to. Or he may not.

You don't want to be touched, 100% fair enough. It doesn't matter why he's doing it but you don't like it.

Can you, in the context of the way you normally speak to each other, make light of it in a way that is clear that you want him to stop? If he was my FIL I'd be able to say "listen you old bugger, I know you want a hug sometimes, and that's fine, sometimes, but I'm not really a hugger, except with DH and it's making me nervous...so can you try not to do it?" And then give him whatever kind of normal hug/kiss you usually do, and then back off laughing...like that's his lot for the day?

Whatever is going on here, you need to have put boundaries in place, in a way that whatever his motivation, he stops. And if his motivation is entirely innocent - as I'm sure it will be (or at worst a bit misguided, emotionally replacing his wife with you) - then no harm will have been done to anyone's pride or emotional wellbeing. Just a re-set that everyone can cope with. And if his motivation is less benign, then hopefully he'll just be quietly embarrassed and back off...without you having had to name it.

Tricky stuff, I hope you manage to sort it out ok.

It is not weird at all, and the PP who said that was, in my opinion, wrong to do so. Everyone is different about what they are comfortable with, the point is, you felt uncomfortable. I think it is arrogant of others to decide they know better than you, especially a stranger on the internet!

Very difficult for you OP as you don't want to upset him but you're going to have to.
Just bite the bullet and say " Fred I don't like being touched, grabbed,having my cheek pinched so can you stop doing it "

Note I didn't put a 'please ' in there.
If he gets defensive tough !

@ChrisPPancake it would be nice to think so, but if you'd seen his smarmy smirk, it was clear he resented me "putting him in his place" as he saw it and was trying to regain power in the exchange. He has form in the village. In fact the first time I encountered him was when I heard a forthright neighbour saying very loudly "Get your hand off my arse" in the village hall. He is nothing if not persistent.

I didn't mean to derail your thread OP. Back to your situation. I think the "I'm not really a touchy person FIL" while moving away is the answer. You can say it in a light-hearted tone the first time. Get more emphatic if necessary if he persists.

Ask your DH to keep an eye on him so he can see what his dad is up to and he can back you up. You really have to do this yourself though. And you can.

Except he isn't touching his own son more, he's touching you. Just you. More.

Losing his wife doesn't give him the right to touch you as he pleases.

your actions can speak louder than words, i would hope that by side stepping him you can prevent it
or without being personal to him, say you are not a touchy feeling person perhaps

I really dislike being touched by anyone but my DC (and their dad when we were together) so I completely get that OP. I agree with PP’s, it should be your DH that deals with this. In the mean time I’d be avoiding getting within arms reach of him (but that’s how uncomfortable physical touch makes me, not saying you should or have to do that).