How to politely ask FIL to NOT touch me

[Bluesky5512]

I’ve known FIL for the last 15ish years. He is 75. He has been a thorough gentleman all through. Inlaws live in the US, we visit them every year. MIL passed away a couple of years ago in a sudden accident. Ever since FIL has been visiting us more often and at times staying for 2-3 months at a time. We stuck a friendship during his recent visits. We talk about politics, astronomy (is was a professor) and yoga (my passion). I see him as a father figure and a friend. DH works in a hospital and I work from home. I take FIL out and about with me - grocery, school runs etc

He has been acting weird lately. Pinching my cheeks, Putting his hands on my shoulder, and yesterday on my waist. WTF !! I was totally taken back and he doesn’t seem to realise. He was never a “creep” IYKWIM. But this touchy behaviour is making me very uncomfortable. I don’t know how to tell him to stop without ruining our friendship.

How close is he standing that he's able to put his hands on your waist? Step back, all the time. If it carries on tell dh to tell him and if that doesn't work you must tell him you don't like being touched. I'd hate an old man to touch me, and I'm 79.
Good luck. 👍

I’m beginning to doubt if this is dementia or depression or both.

There are no other obvious signs of dementia. Although now I remember, the other day he did something quite strange with a routine thing he did for years. (I won’t mention what it is, as it is really outing. Something to do with a hobby). I’ll keep an eye on him and start logging things in a book if I see anything weird again.

Yes, this. For goodness sake, just tell the man to stop touching you, tell him you feel uncomfortable and he mustn’t do it again, easy.

My DF has Alzheimer's - he is now 89 and was diagnosed about 6 years ago, but I realised something was going on three years before that. It was extremely subtle - and different from what you're experiencing with your FIL. It was more that he would laugh at things that weren't funny, the expression on his face would seem just not quite right - as I say, very subtle and hard to describe. But he was different from before.

I was walking on a footpath about 3-4 meters ahead of FIL. I was talking to him too. DH was about 10 meters ahead of me. We all were walking to the car parked at the end of the street.

Mid conversation, FIL came to my left and put his arm on my waist! Not around me, but like a pat on the back, but lower to the opp side IYKWIM. I couldn’t move out as I would step on to a busy road. I couldn’t move to my left (he was there) or I couldn’t move back (his arm). This was for 5seconds. I totally froze as I was already purposefully waking ahead of him to avoid this touching thing. It usually happens when he is excited about something and is in high spirits.

Was he touchy with everyone or just you?

in my case, it’s just me.

Are you a tactile person with others, OP? If you're not (or even if you are), then one way into a conversation about this might be a few comments about how the pandemic restrictions meant that physical contact wasn't allowed and you actually liked that - because you don't like being touched, or you grew to like it, and now prefer not being touched. Then you could refer directly to the recent touching by your FIL and say how you realise you really don't like being touched.

There are no other obvious signs of dementia.
It starts like this! Small things. When people stay within their routine they can hold on longer but it usually starts small.
It's often easier for neighbours to see something's wrong than for the family to get there.
I knew sb was sick in my family long before herkids realised it. I only saw her every now and then so the changes were obvious to me but not for the closer ones because they saw her every day. The changes happened slowly and people around her adapted.
I didn't see her for a year or so and I didn't recognise the things she said. She acted normally but said some very strange things that were against her principles.

I really sympathise. I also like my personal space. I don't think there's much you can do to keep the friendship as it was before because the touching has already irrevocably changed it; you will now feel uncomfortable around him as you don't know when he'll do it again. Do what you're doing. If it doesn't work say something.

That towpath situation. You could not move back or left. But dh was 10m ahead. Next time run forward to dh.
I would suggest some judo or other self defence classes - something ti get a bit more sense of the space around you and how to step into it. These people seem to have you cornered and the concept that you are the only target is unlikely. Although it keeps you in your place for sure.

A lot of folks get stupidly infatuated by unsuitable or ineligible people.
it’s like a sort of addiction.
not saying it’s right

but there again it’s a lot worse to resolve if it’s dementia 🫤

🤔or just tell the truth
” I don’t like it when you touch me”

You don't need 'other signs of dementia' for a change in behaviour to be a sign of dementia. You have known him a long time. He has never made you feel uncomfortable before and now he is out of the blue making you freeze and think wtf? What other signs do you need?

My grandad went frisky with his dementia. I know people are saying it's not a sign but it definitely was for him.

I hope you find an answer as whatever it is it's not ok!

I know several people whose eating patterns became completely off. Some stopped cooking and they would buy crisps, pastries, candy and chocolate instead.
One person was always conscious about what she ate and then she started ordering pizza. One week she ate pizza every single day. By itself this isn't weird, a lot of people do it but these people changed the way they ate completely. Food was always important and then it was like their healthy eating principles went out the window. The change was subtle yet noticeable.

Yes, just telling the truth would be the most straightforward approach, but the OP has stated that this won't work for her, so she is looking to get the message across in another way.

If related to dementia as some have suggested then I'd be more forgiving but needs checking out and if you're not comfortable it still needs addressing. If not then I'd be straightforward and say it clearly.

Touching your waist seems inappropriate to me. Anything apart from a friendly hug given the context is inappropriate when it's coming from FIL. If something feels off it probably is. Unfortunately, the awkwardness cannot be avoided no matter who delivers the message, but tough love is sometimes necessary.

I think we all been taught the good touch and the bad touch. She can sense if it’s a daughter like touch or something different.

Speak with your husband if you have any concerns..

You know, I can't really say. I really wasn't around him in large groups of people and he died 3 years after DH and I married. There was only one other DiL and she insisted they spend all holidays with her family so she and BiL weren't really around a lot.

It never 'felt' creepy to me and there was never any touching anywhere near, shall we say, a 'personal area'. It was sort of the same as your FiL, hand on arm/shoulder, back (but not lower), or a round the shoulders quick 'squeeze'. No rubbing or lingering or handsiness. It just felt an intrusion of my personal space. I probably would have felt the same if MiL had done it. I didn't mind a hug or a kiss on the check at arriving or parting, that was within my comfort zone.

Creep or not, he doesn’t do this to others - so why me? and I think my response was enough to tell him I don’t like it.

Of course it wasn’t. He hasn’t even the remotest idea.

@AcrossthePond55 could there be a cultural issue at play here at all? Seeing as you're across the Pond...

Seriously? What medications are known to have 'inability to keep hands off other people' as a side effect?

If he does it again step on his toes hard.

Or worse, "inability to keep hands off one particular woman" since he's not doing it to anyone else!