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Original poster

How to politely ask FIL to NOT touch me

510 replies

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 07:38

I’ve known FIL for the last 15ish years. He is 75. He has been a thorough gentleman all through. Inlaws live in the US, we visit them every year. MIL passed away a couple of years ago in a sudden accident. Ever since FIL has been visiting us more often and at times staying for 2-3 months at a time. We stuck a friendship during his recent visits. We talk about politics, astronomy (is was a professor) and yoga (my passion). I see him as a father figure and a friend. DH works in a hospital and I work from home. I take FIL out and about with me - grocery, school runs etc

He has been acting weird lately. Pinching my cheeks, Putting his hands on my shoulder, and yesterday on my waist. WTF !! I was totally taken back and he doesn’t seem to realise. He was never a “creep” IYKWIM. But this touchy behaviour is making me very uncomfortable. I don’t know how to tell him to stop without ruining our friendship.

OP posts:
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6
greenbeansnspinach · 31/07/2023 19:37

DustyLee123 · 30/07/2023 07:42

Are there any signs of dementia ? This can make them frisky.
Other than that you need to tell DH that he makes you feel uncomfortable and why.

This would be my first thought too, it can be a quite early sign of cognitive decline/disinhibition particularly if it’s out of character for him.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 31/07/2023 19:39

@ShiteRider , I dare say a lot of us really value human touch. But we may be very selective about who we want it from.
I know I am.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 31/07/2023 19:39

Bluesky5512 · 31/07/2023 10:59

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I read every single response and I am truly grateful.

I decided not to say anything now. BUT, I’ve massively cut down on conversation and friendship. I do speak to him, but from a distance. I’m not taking him when I go out. He does when DH can come and I sit at the back. If he is in the room, I sit furthest from him and walk away after a few mins.

Creep or not, he doesn’t do this to others - so why me? and I think my response was enough to tell him I don’t like it. I think the friendship ended the minute I started feeling uncomfortable. I realise I don’t owe anyone my company or friendship.

Disinhibited behaviour , including touching, is an early sign of dementia. Sorry to mention it.
has he been showing any other signs of disinhibited behaviour such as laughing inappropriately, making rude/inappropriate comments, being impulsive, etc?

absolutely do what you’re doing, but try to start keeping a diary - anything that you notice is disinhibited or inappropriate - if you see multiple things, then read up on signs of dementia and talk to your dh to say FIL should at least be checked over by Gp whilst he’s with you, if he goes back to country and on his own it may get missed for months

it’s not just a sign of dementia, but also can indicate other mental health issues , which given his situation may not be surprising.

on the other hand, yep, he could “just” have formed an infatuation with you given you’re probably closest female showing caring side for some years. That’d be understandable- ish. If the backing off and avoiding you’re doing doesn’t work, tackle it head on . Actually involving dh could cause him shame and that ain’t good for any of you- so a firm “Perhaps you’re not doing it consciously, FIL, but you need to stop touching me. I know you don’t mean any harm by it, but I don’t like it and it’s not appropriate”

FirstDayOfHoliyays · 31/07/2023 19:45

"Body language, move, turn away, fold your arms, look directly at him and say "no"

Really? 😅 Surely as she's close to him she could just have a word before going fucking weird and doing some weird shouty, folded arm staring.

"Martin, please don't touch me. I'm just not a touchy feely person, never have been"

chaosmaker · 31/07/2023 19:50

@Bluesky5512 just tell him that you aren't tactile and don't appreciate being touched at all. Honesty is always better and rarely given as advice on this site.

Janecat23 · 31/07/2023 20:01

I’d be concerned something is wrong with him. Could be early sign of dementia.

Thelnebriati · 31/07/2023 20:02

Unfortunately disinhibition can also be a side effect of Parkinson's disease. Can you husband look into that?

Violinist64 · 31/07/2023 20:05

I'm afraid my first thought was that it may possibly be the early signs of dementia. I do sympathise as I am not a touchy feely person either.

ensayers · 31/07/2023 20:09

My dad's a very huggy person. Sister in law isn't huggy at all. Brother tried to politely explain to him but he took offence when brother said "you don't want to come across as a pervert" That's not what sil was inferring but the word had been said and that's the only word he heard.
They next time we all got together my dad was very petty over the situation. He didn't hug any of them when they arrived or left, not even grandkids. But then also made sarcastic comments like "I can sit in the garage if your uncomfortable being in the same room"
Became very awkward and his wife gave him hell after they left, which he deserved.
Sil hasn't been to any family get together since.
My point is: get your point across but be careful what words you use because you can't unsay it.

Oceanus · 31/07/2023 20:10

Dementia often starts (or becomes more noticeable) after a parter dies. They're no longer there to help and make things run smoother and the stress of doing everything alone also contributes to dementia showing its ugly face a bit more.

bonzaitree · 31/07/2023 20:16

Don’t be polite.

Its your body you decide who gets to touch it and if someone does something you don’t like you DONT have to be polite about it.

SequentialAnalyst · 31/07/2023 20:24

@WoolyMammoth55

"To be clear, he wasdeliberately borderline sexually assaulting me,butwas doing so because had lost the cognitive function that would have inhibited such behaviour before. So it wasn't his "fault", IYSWIM."

Did you mean "he wasn't deliberately borderline sexually assaulting me"?

As it stands, your post seems to imply that if he had normal cognitive function, he would still want to assault you, but his cognitive function would have inhibited such behaviour.

alpenguin · 31/07/2023 20:36

could he be misreading the friendship?

These sound like next steps when moving from friendship to affectionate.

i think being blunt. “I don’t like you touching me like that” is clear and unambiguous.

AliceOlive · 31/07/2023 20:41

I do think you should say something. "Bob, I am am one of those people that really dislikes being touched except by my husband. Nothing personal, but it makes me uncomfortable. I enjoy our friendship so thought wanted to let you know directly rather than just pulling back."

Solonge · 31/07/2023 20:49

Denimdreams · 30/07/2023 07:57

Jesus Christ!
Women aren't support animals for men's needs!
So what if he needs " touch"
It's not for him to just go round touching anyone he likes.

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Its nothing to do with women being mens support ffs…its to do with human touch! What is it with women on mumsnet? One minute banging away about womens rights the next bullying women because they have different views!

Original poster
Bluesky5512 · 31/07/2023 21:04

Mummy08m · 31/07/2023 18:32

My experience with men like this is that any pushback at all causes them major cognitive dissonance and they turn this on the woman. But op knows her fil best

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100% this will happen if I say anything.

OP posts:
happyfoot · 31/07/2023 21:07

Bluesky5512 · 31/07/2023 08:06

@Dibbydoos Are YOU ok with people randomly touching you at will, rubbing their full palm on your back for a good 5 seconds (like they are feeling your bra). WHY would anyone be ok with this? And once this happens, even a simple shoulder touch becomes unacceptable.

Ewww this is making me feel a bit sick- I would absolutely hate it if my FIL did this to me, its subtle groping.

Well done for distancing yourself OP- trust your instincts and keep him physically away from you, sounds like the message is finally getting through.

Original poster
Bluesky5512 · 31/07/2023 21:08

Mummy08m · 31/07/2023 15:22

The thing is, she is already married to an unsupportive husband who (she thinks) will accuse her of being oversensitive etc if she confronts FIL.

She has two options:

  1. Confront FIL. No matter how much she sugar coats it, there's a real chance he'll bristle defensively and bring her dh into it who will give her a hard time at home "how could you be so mean to my recently widowed father" etc etc. This may have long term effects on her relationship with dh, depending how unreasonable he is.
  1. Do what she's doing now: quietly keep herself out of harm's way and ensure there's little opportunity for it happening again. Hope that it's just a phase FIL is going through and this strategy might see her thru until the phase is over. Maybe it is dementia (I know nothing about dementia, just going by others' comments) and maybe the dementia will progress to some other behaviour. Maybe FIL will lose interest if he sees OP less.

Now, I wouldn't marry a misogynist (or, at best, coward) who would condone his father touching me up. But that ship has sailed, op has already married him. Circumstances being what they are, imo option 2 is overall the best.

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Thanks for understanding me and my circumstances so correctly!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluesky5512 · 31/07/2023 21:21

greenbeansnspinach · 31/07/2023 19:37

This would be my first thought too, it can be a quite early sign of cognitive decline/disinhibition particularly if it’s out of character for him.

Show quote history

This is definitely out of character for him. As I said, he never touched me in the 15yrs of knowing him. He came to live with us (US/UK dual citizen) for a year straight after MILs death, then again last year for 1month. Zero touch ever until this trip. Zero history of creepy behaviour.

There are no other signs of dementia. He could be depressed, I don’t know. He generally keeps to himself and prefers to be in his room (even when he visited with MIL). Also mil constantly complained of being lonely as FIL preferred to be on his own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluesky5512 · 31/07/2023 21:29

Appleofmyeye2023 · 31/07/2023 19:39

Disinhibited behaviour , including touching, is an early sign of dementia. Sorry to mention it.
has he been showing any other signs of disinhibited behaviour such as laughing inappropriately, making rude/inappropriate comments, being impulsive, etc?

absolutely do what you’re doing, but try to start keeping a diary - anything that you notice is disinhibited or inappropriate - if you see multiple things, then read up on signs of dementia and talk to your dh to say FIL should at least be checked over by Gp whilst he’s with you, if he goes back to country and on his own it may get missed for months

it’s not just a sign of dementia, but also can indicate other mental health issues , which given his situation may not be surprising.

on the other hand, yep, he could “just” have formed an infatuation with you given you’re probably closest female showing caring side for some years. That’d be understandable- ish. If the backing off and avoiding you’re doing doesn’t work, tackle it head on . Actually involving dh could cause him shame and that ain’t good for any of you- so a firm “Perhaps you’re not doing it consciously, FIL, but you need to stop touching me. I know you don’t mean any harm by it, but I don’t like it and it’s not appropriate”

Show quote history

With infatuation, I’m not some random female - am I ? Im his son’s wife, the mother of his grandchildren. It’s hard to cross that boundary. Isn’t it ?

He was never the creepy kind before.

OP posts:
SquirrelMadness · 31/07/2023 21:37

I wouldn't like this either and I don't think you should put up with it.

However, I would keep the possibility of dementia in mind. There might not be any other signs yet, it can be extremely gradual. My grandma had alzheimers and my dad now has alzheimers. With both of them, there was a long period of just certain odd things, with otherwise normal behaviour. My mum used to ask me whether I thought dad was going that way and I was sure she was wrong. And it can affect different parts of behaviour in different people, my dad acts more normally than my grandma used to in some ways and vice versa.

Pinching cheeks just seems so odd, as well as being inappropriate.

Not saying you should put up with it if it is dementia, just keep an eye out for other signs.

SquirrelMadness · 31/07/2023 21:41

I mean just keep an eye out for other signs developing over time.

Hopefully it's not that and keeping your distance stops the boundary crossing though.

Original poster
Bluesky5512 · 31/07/2023 21:47

Custardslices · 31/07/2023 18:44

Your DH is a wet flannel

Do you really know your FiL? He sounds shady feeling your bra. I'd say something to him directly and if nothing improves I'd be looking at DH to back you up and say no more visits unless he keeps his hands to himself.

I know him quite well. For over 15yrs.

The bra feeling thing - I don’t know. It’s about 5secs of rubbing my back. Hard to explain, hard to guess the intentions. Why would he do that !?? I’m his sons wife, he loves his son a lot. It’s doing my head in.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 31/07/2023 21:52

My late FiL was a bit touchy-feely but I never felt there was anything overtly sexual about it. Be that as it may, I didn't really care for it but didn't want to make a 'thing' of it. So when it happened I just made a tiny moue and moved away a bit. After a few times he got the message.