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Original poster

How to politely ask FIL to NOT touch me

510 replies

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 07:38

I’ve known FIL for the last 15ish years. He is 75. He has been a thorough gentleman all through. Inlaws live in the US, we visit them every year. MIL passed away a couple of years ago in a sudden accident. Ever since FIL has been visiting us more often and at times staying for 2-3 months at a time. We stuck a friendship during his recent visits. We talk about politics, astronomy (is was a professor) and yoga (my passion). I see him as a father figure and a friend. DH works in a hospital and I work from home. I take FIL out and about with me - grocery, school runs etc

He has been acting weird lately. Pinching my cheeks, Putting his hands on my shoulder, and yesterday on my waist. WTF !! I was totally taken back and he doesn’t seem to realise. He was never a “creep” IYKWIM. But this touchy behaviour is making me very uncomfortable. I don’t know how to tell him to stop without ruining our friendship.

OP posts:
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6
Catsmere · 31/07/2023 11:39

PimpMyFridge · 31/07/2023 09:18

Accidental brush with the back of the hand... You have to boil your frog slowly. 😟

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And keep that plausible deniability.

Catsmere · 31/07/2023 11:43

He's sounding more and more like a sexist creep, OP - and your DH, well, that fruit didn't fall far from the tree, did it? I'm glad you've found strategies, I hope they work.

Willmafrockfit · 31/07/2023 11:49

perhaps he has a little crush on you.
well done for keeping your distance
i hope your actions touch home with him

PimpMyFridge · 31/07/2023 11:51

Well done op. Very glad at least this thread isn't making you doubt yourself or whether you are right to reject this.
Definitely sexiest creep and he needs to be at arms length (minimum) all the way.
So glad you know you owe him nothing.

GalaApples · 31/07/2023 11:55

DO say something OP, why not? The boiled frog analogy seems to apply here - now that it is intolerable, it seems you feel you have no resources at your disposal to stop this, but you do. What do you actually risk if you tell him you do not want him to touch you? His discomfort? If he is OK he will be sorry he has discomforted you and will stop. If his motives are not OK you have lost nothing.

Mummy08m · 31/07/2023 11:59

Seems like a good solution for now op, hope it proves effective. If it does the job and has the bonus of not giving you any grief/arguments, that's a win imo!

Skinthin · 31/07/2023 12:24

Bluesky5512 · 30/07/2023 11:01

yes. Lovely most times. People are not perfect - are they?

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Of course not, but there’s a massive difference between what you said in your OP about him being lovely and you too having a great relationship, to calling him “nasty” and accusing you of “spoiling the relationship”.

I agree with a pp that you are getting nasty because some people don’t agree that this necessarily means your FIL is a pervert/ trying to groom you.

if you are uncomfortable you just need to be direct and ask him not to do that when he oversteps. Then move swiftly on.

GalaApples · 31/07/2023 12:47

Mummy08m
Sounds more like a cop-out to me - and will solve nothing. OP needs to grow some backbone and deal with this.

Mummy08m · 31/07/2023 15:22

GalaApples · 31/07/2023 12:47

Mummy08m
Sounds more like a cop-out to me - and will solve nothing. OP needs to grow some backbone and deal with this.

The thing is, she is already married to an unsupportive husband who (she thinks) will accuse her of being oversensitive etc if she confronts FIL.

She has two options:

  1. Confront FIL. No matter how much she sugar coats it, there's a real chance he'll bristle defensively and bring her dh into it who will give her a hard time at home "how could you be so mean to my recently widowed father" etc etc. This may have long term effects on her relationship with dh, depending how unreasonable he is.
  1. Do what she's doing now: quietly keep herself out of harm's way and ensure there's little opportunity for it happening again. Hope that it's just a phase FIL is going through and this strategy might see her thru until the phase is over. Maybe it is dementia (I know nothing about dementia, just going by others' comments) and maybe the dementia will progress to some other behaviour. Maybe FIL will lose interest if he sees OP less.

Now, I wouldn't marry a misogynist (or, at best, coward) who would condone his father touching me up. But that ship has sailed, op has already married him. Circumstances being what they are, imo option 2 is overall the best.

FunGamesStuff · 31/07/2023 16:14

@Mummy08m

The OP also has a third option.

To simply tell her FIL she doesn't like it and ask him to stop. No 'confrontation' or drama

If he ignores her then she can ramp up how she deals with it.

Twentytwothousand · 31/07/2023 18:13

So difficult. May be very early signs of dementia or he’s just craving human contact. Face is weird and waist is just wrong. Does his son hug him? You can’t become default female that isn’t healthy. My uncle started telling me all about his sex life when my mum died. Like - gap in life for female confidante aha, here’s one. I changed the subject very smartly and it stopped. Next time can you just step away very clearly and without words? It’s not on to feel uncomfortable in your own house.

Alcemeg · 31/07/2023 18:25

Maybe he just feels more comfortable with you nowadays and this is his way of being affectionate. Some people are just like that. I don't mind it, but if you do, say something! Just go "Sorry, I know you mean well but that feels weird to me." If he continues after that, you know he's up to no good, but I don't think you should assume it.

Mummy08m · 31/07/2023 18:32

FunGamesStuff · 31/07/2023 16:14

@Mummy08m

The OP also has a third option.

To simply tell her FIL she doesn't like it and ask him to stop. No 'confrontation' or drama

If he ignores her then she can ramp up how she deals with it.

My experience with men like this is that any pushback at all causes them major cognitive dissonance and they turn this on the woman. But op knows her fil best

Custardslices · 31/07/2023 18:44

Your DH is a wet flannel

Do you really know your FiL? He sounds shady feeling your bra. I'd say something to him directly and if nothing improves I'd be looking at DH to back you up and say no more visits unless he keeps his hands to himself.

workingOnItEveryday · 31/07/2023 18:51

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

It might be time to put some distance between the FIL and yourself and reinforce some boundaries.

Plumbuddle · 31/07/2023 18:52

If you have children, please ensure they are never on their own with him.

Unless it's dementia my take on this is that it's quite deliberate and thought through testing of how far you will let him go without taking action.

The main problem for you with this given it is below your husbands radar is that once this gets too bad and you have to protest out loud or otherwise bring it into the open, then it will turn your husband into part of the hostilities.

And they are hostilities. I find it very strange that you criticise this man's sexism yet don't connect the dots on how he is undermining your safety in your own home.

The first law of sexism - and domestic sexual abuse -- is divide and rule.

butterpuffed · 31/07/2023 18:54

I decided not to say anything now. BUT, I’ve massively cut down on conversation and friendship. I do speak to him, but from a distance. I’m not taking him when I go out. He does when DH can come and I sit at the back. If he is in the room, I sit furthest from him and walk away after a few mins.

If you tell him it will have an instant effect . If you do the above he will ask what's wrong after a while and you'll have to tell him anyway .

DMLady · 31/07/2023 18:55

Bluesky5512 · 31/07/2023 10:59

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I read every single response and I am truly grateful.

I decided not to say anything now. BUT, I’ve massively cut down on conversation and friendship. I do speak to him, but from a distance. I’m not taking him when I go out. He does when DH can come and I sit at the back. If he is in the room, I sit furthest from him and walk away after a few mins.

Creep or not, he doesn’t do this to others - so why me? and I think my response was enough to tell him I don’t like it. I think the friendship ended the minute I started feeling uncomfortable. I realise I don’t owe anyone my company or friendship.

This sounds very sensible to me, OP. TBH, from your first post, I thought perhaps he’s an old man who’s lonely and missing physical contact. (Still doesn’t mean you have to be okay with/accept it, of course — but might dictate HOW you let him know you don’t like it.) But your updates sound more and more creepy — the escalation; choosing moments where you can’t easily move away… I’m not surprised you feel uncomfortable! (To be clear, it could be perfectly benign on his part, and you’d be absolutely within your rights to feel uncomfortable and ask him not to touch you — but nothing about your updates makes me feel it’s benign.)

Oceanus · 31/07/2023 19:02

I think adults are who they are and they're unlikely to change that much in terms of personality, specially if he's 75 y.o. I would think dementia rather he's a become a perv all of the sudden. I would talk to my DH and try to get some sort of an assessment in the UK. Does he have other close family who can keep an eye on him back in the States or get him to a doctor and keep an eye on him?
Honestly, don't bury your head in the sand over this. A lot can happen in a very short time. With him being across the pond the risk is even higher.
Dementia starts like this, with "peculiar" and "weird" things and then he passes away and you find out he's been married to a 20 y.o. who gets everything and more or you start looking at money to pay for a nursing home and money's gone missing. And then people are shocked when it all goes pear-shaped and beyong anyone's control.

WoolyMammoth55 · 31/07/2023 19:10

Hi OP, my grandfather got very handsy with the women in our family and sadly towards the end of his life I was alone with him and he pinned me and full on groped my breasts. It was one of the saddest and most upsetting experiences of my life (which hasn't been an especially sheltered one!)

To be clear, he was deliberately borderline sexually assaulting me, but was doing so because had lost the cognitive function that would have inhibited such behaviour before. So it wasn't his "fault", IYSWIM.

Since your FIL's behaviour is new I'd almost certainly default to seeing it as the first sign of cognitive decline rather than "just" being a perv because he suddenly wants to perv on someone after 15 years.

I don't know if that makes you feel any better at all? I certainly think your decision to avoid contact is the correct one, and on top of that please mention to your DH that you don't want to be alone with FIL any longer under any circumstances.

Wish you all the best.

HopityHope · 31/07/2023 19:16

Huge well done for your course of action. You absolutely owe him nothing and no friendship just because he’s family and you are a woman. Enjoy your new found freedom

Appleofmyeye2023 · 31/07/2023 19:22

Denimdreams · 30/07/2023 07:57

Jesus Christ!
Women aren't support animals for men's needs!
So what if he needs " touch"
It's not for him to just go round touching anyone he likes.

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This, I was horrified to read that. He’s not a decking dog to be trained by “gently removing his hands “ . He’s an adult man who should know his boundaries and if they’re slipping a frank quick low key but firm - “ no! Please remove you hand “is fine

Oceanus · 31/07/2023 19:23

OP, you need to approach this with your DH. If you're too scared or worried to tell your husband you've got bigger fish to fry like sorting out a divorce.

Juced · 31/07/2023 19:28

This comment, he’s a grown up if he’s lonely he needs to do something about it’s not DIL place to take that kind of attention!

JustRub2U · 31/07/2023 19:29

Simply tell FIL how you feel about his touching and let him know it is NOT ok with you.

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