To not understand what she’s spending it on

[Idlovetoknow]

It’s my mother. She’s a pensioner and a widow, but she working. She cannot deal with her finances. She’s been on the phone tonight weeping over how much of a dire situation she’s in financially, but I don’t see how.

income from work: £1100 (after tax)
state pension: £800
widows pension: £1600 (think this is after tax too)
private pension: £200/300 (she was wooly on this)
so total income around £3600 a month

No mortgage, no rent, no grounds costs.
council tax £200 a month. Power £150 (let’s say 200 to round up) food and pet food £400, car £450 petrol £100, health insurance £200, phone £50, sky £50, pet insurance £80- that’s £1300 at an absolute max

i don’t understand. She’s not being frauded or taken advantage of, but i don’t understand. I try to talk to her for instance tonight when she rang frantic over money but she gets into such a tizz she can’t tell you anything. I’ve asked for months for all bills and bank statements to go over expenses but she can’t produce them

Anyone any ideas?

@Idlovetoknow Please, just walk away from this behaviour.

You are actually perpetuating it.

This is role reversal.

Your mum is the 2 year old having a tantrum.

You are feeding it.

Ignore her. It's not your problem.

You cannot help someone who refuses to behave rationally.

It’s not my answer because the obvious solution is get the banking app but it’s banging your head against a brick wall and it’s frustrating as hell to be trying to help but then someone goes against it

Come on now, your father was on a hefty salary so obviously your mum has savings.

You say she has investments and access to 10k funds as well as her income.

She owns 2 properties for goodness sake.

Shes what ? 60 odd years and holding down a job, hardly a vulnerable “elderly” person. She doesn’t need patronising.

You don’t need to worry about her finances.

She cried in a car show room because she wanted a new convertible? You must see how trivial her histrionics are?

This is insulting to anyone who has genuine money worries.

I’d rather live without it, I think she wants me to make up the cash shortfall but I can’t. All I get from this is a headache and confusion because it’s an excuse for everything and burying head in the sand. I just waste my annual leave or end up stressed because I get blamed but I just don’t understand the situation and the worry is that either she’s pissed the money away, is being scammed or there’s a tax code error and rather than call she’d bury her head

on the surface I totally agree but then I’m left wondering is she being scammed or has she lived beyond her means so much or paying too much but won’t sort etc

She can always sell her second property? Or access some of her investments, dip into her savings? She’s hardly in dire straits!

You are still doing it and no randoms on the site can help you. It has been suggested you ask her for copies of statements or offer to go to the bank with her but you make all these excuses. Walk away or not but please don’t make things worse for your own health and well-being

Well if that's the case, you need to step back. Right back. And shut her down at the first mention of money. 'I've tried to help you, I've told you what you need to give me. Until
You do, I can't help'. Rinse and repeat. Rinse. And. Repeat. I've had to do it recently to an older relative and it's amazing the clarity of mind it's brought in them.

This is true. I’d just tell her there’s no point crying to you, as you won’t be able to help unless she gives you more information.

Id also hazard a guess at money tied up in savings that she can’t possibly withdraw (even if she can) for some unexpected bill. Even so, she must have a considerable surplus every month

Can you not just get her account number ect and set up internet / app banking on your phone ?

Just put your foot down.

If you want me to listen and help you I need full unfettered access to all your affairs.

Otherwise go and moan to someone else

‘Mum, I have repeatedly tried to help you with your finances and you have blocked me every time. If you want my help or advice you need to give me access to your statements and paperwork, and until you do so I won’t discuss money with you in any way.’

You have got to disengage. You are feeding her need for attention.

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time here now. And I don’t think it’s fair. Her mother sounds like a complete nightmare. She wants help but won’t help herself to actually be helped. She is a spoilt over emotional drama Queen. She throws her toys out of the pram when pushed to actually provide information. Wastes money because she can’t be bothered to do something. Threw a tantrum in a car show room.

The OP is working two jobs and has young children including a breast fed baby. She hasn’t got the physical time or energy to be driving fours hours in a day to deal with her mother.

@Idlovetoknow - if I were you I would say to your mother that you will help but you need all the information otherwise you cannot help and don’t want to hear about it. You are not a mind reader and if she won’t be open with you about it all you are powerless to help her. Let her scream and cry and point out to her that she is behaving like a spoilt brat. If she doesn’t speak to you for six months enjoy the peace!

and it’s a great suggestion and I’ve asked her and it never happens it’s wildly frustrating

on the surface I totally agree but then I’m left wondering is she being scammed or has she lived beyond her means so much or paying too much but won’t sort etc

This is what she wants you to agonise over.

Can you see this?

Because all the time she is hiding the actual paperwork, there is that sliver of doubt in your mind.

You are obviously a caring daughter. But the time comes, whether it's with friends, children or even adult parents that you need to walk away when you realise that you cannot help.

You know the 'madness ' definition?
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

Your mum is playing you.
Stop joining in her game.

it never happens it’s wildly frustrating

For the last hour, myself and other posters have given an hour of our lives trying to help you.

Not once (yet) have you said that any of us are right in advising you to walk away.

You need to change your behaviour, and it's only that which will change your mum's.

Good luck, but I'm not wasting more of my day repeating the same thing . (Because you- maybe like your mum- don't appear to be listening.)

What scares me is online energy bills OH handles those if he starts with dementia I cannot access to change suppliers if their rates go daft. It's all online in his name not a scrap of paper exists.

I do worry because under gdpr no-one will speak to me. He is older than me could be struck down health-wise. We own a house we did let. At the estate agents I could produce a passport, driving license but not one utility bill. Luckily the estate agent was a family friend so let it slide

Coming back to this thread after commenting earlier, and reading subsequent comments, I'm actually disgusted by your mother. She's not much older than me and if my husband dies I'll have a lot less than her to live on. But guess what? I'll manage because I live within my means and I will live quite comfortably like that, and certainly have never whined to my daughter about being poor, in fact I've helped her out in times of financial hardship and intend to help her with a deposit when she comes to buy a house (money from savings built up over years).
Your mother's behaviour is utterly distasteful. There are people really struggling and this pitiful woman moans about not being able to take five holiday year.
And I still think you need to investigate Walter Mitty brother, especially given his "golden child" status. Your status in a situation like this is that of scapegoat and I think you need to wise up to the fact that nothing you do will be right in spoilt princessy mother's eyes. You've got a lot more to untangle here than just your mother's finances. I'd be looking for a good counsellor to be honest. How I wish someone could wave a magic wand and have people like your mother live off universal credit for a year!

OP there is nothing you can do - genuinely there isn’t. What she wants is fir your to replace your DF emotionally & financially. You can never do that. By refusing to allow you to help her by blocking every suggestion you make Abd then literally having a tantrum when you push, shows that it’s not about the money, it’s about the attention.

she isn’t skint, she isn’t going to cancel things, she’s just spoiled, selfish & also, sadly, lonely & a missing your DF

you have to stop engaging. You cannot change her behaviour, you can only change yours. What’s the worst that can happen? She shouts & screams? She does that anyway so you may just as well let her shout & scream at the truth. The more attention you give her, the more she’ll see her way of engaging is working so she’ll keep doing it.

I think you need to start your own thread on this one @justasking111 !

But as a quick reply, do you not have Power of Attorney set up?
That would allow you to access all accounts in your H' s name if he lost capacity.

Amen to this. I would disengage from the crazy woman.

This sounds like she is seeking attention rather than having actual money worries and that’s why she won’t show you statements. Could it be since your father passed on she is feeling like she needs more from you but won’t ask outright.

I agree you’re getting a hard time here. As you can see when posters have drilled into your answers they don’t hold up to scrutiny. Not your fault as this is what your mum has told you.

However, it highlights this: your mum is-whether deliberately or not-withholding material information.
Without it you can’t help.
She didn’t like the financial advisor’s advice. There’s a clue. Probably because it didn’t meet her unrealistic expectations.
If she knows you’re struggling for time, sleep and money yourself and still expects you to step in, that’s a side, but nonetheless important, issue. 💐

Any minute now someone will be along to tell us the elderly hubby with a second job and the young kids is a drip feed.
Another quick answer: get your mobile in your own name pronto. There’s your utility bill. And get access to the online utility accounts.

Sounds exactly like my mum.
Does my head in.
A lot of women of that generation aren't practical with money at all