To not understand what she’s spending it on

[Idlovetoknow]

It’s my mother. She’s a pensioner and a widow, but she working. She cannot deal with her finances. She’s been on the phone tonight weeping over how much of a dire situation she’s in financially, but I don’t see how.

income from work: £1100 (after tax)
state pension: £800
widows pension: £1600 (think this is after tax too)
private pension: £200/300 (she was wooly on this)
so total income around £3600 a month

No mortgage, no rent, no grounds costs.
council tax £200 a month. Power £150 (let’s say 200 to round up) food and pet food £400, car £450 petrol £100, health insurance £200, phone £50, sky £50, pet insurance £80- that’s £1300 at an absolute max

i don’t understand. She’s not being frauded or taken advantage of, but i don’t understand. I try to talk to her for instance tonight when she rang frantic over money but she gets into such a tizz she can’t tell you anything. I’ve asked for months for all bills and bank statements to go over expenses but she can’t produce them

Anyone any ideas?

i have reasons for not really being able to take on long drives in a day. Thanks

Honestly OP, it is not unusual to have a bottle-refuser who doesn’t sleep. Fair enough if you really can’t handle the idea but for context many many people do that kind of journey all the time.

I fear you are too similar to find a way out here. She doesn’t want to be helped; you don’t really want to help her; you both have a tendency to become overwhelmed and either act out (her) or shut down (you). You are going to have to distance yourself from talk about money and shut her down when she tries.

You need to step back.

From your updates it looks as if your Mum comes to see you.
You say you see her weekly, but have only driven to see her 4/5 times in 2 years. Not having a go, but you made it look as if you were driving there every week. And you never mentioned the baby. Or your DHs 2 jobs or anything. All of that should have come at the start.

So clearly when she comes to stay with you, she's not going to bring all the paperwork.

This is not your problem.

She's an adult woman, she has a huge income and it's up to her to sort her life out.

Tell her you can't help her.

you have no idea what I’m like. Literally none, so no I don’t get overwhelmed and shut down. Both dh and I work 2 jobs right now and I have a bottle refusing baby who doesn’t sleep great. Trips to her house take planning no less from time off work.

well I for sure wouldn’t be advocating long drives when someone is sleep deprived. I really dislike this about MN when the OP Is put on trial

I agree. There's a lot of "I think" and "I'm not sure"
Well, we don't bloody know. So if you don't want to go and take her to her bank, get her statement, you will never know.
So either forget about it, or make the journey 🤷

No, she drives to see us that’s when she comes up.

i didn’t mention that stuff before as it really isn’t that relevant to what my mother is spending her money on, I didn’t want to either as whilst MN is anon it’s quite depressing to admit to working 2 jobs to make ends meet and again not relevant, I said visiting isn’t that logistically easy

She doesn’t have it to hand anyway

OP you are probably young enough to be my daughter and there is no way I'd put all of this onto you.

It's not your problem.

Your mum sounds abusive TBH because she's putting all this pressure on you.

I'd tell her to sort it all out herself.

But it's not really about money, she's lonely and feeling neglected.

Channel any discussions into that- her seeking help from the right people.

Two hours is not a long drive to the vast majority of people.

I have literally no idea what you want from this thread. I can only conclude that you are using MN to vent in the same way that your mum uses you 🤷🏻‍♀️ but it’s helpful if you acknowledge this so that people don’t waste their time trying to advise in good faith.

I will leave you to it. All the best.

She doesn’t have it to hand anyway

Of course she does! She just doesn't want you to see it.

If she doesn't do online banking she will have paper statements.
Stop accepting her lies.

Why is why I said drive to a bank.

You just make excuses too. How exactly do you think this will get resolved?
" You need to see a bank statement"
"well she doesn't have it to hand".
Oh well...
Not much can be done then 🤔

What did you actually want from this thread?

Well when pressed she won’t produce it I should say, she gets overwhelmed and starts crying or melting down or shouting and screaming and I don’t know where any of this is kept, she’s not good at organising these things, never has been.

Why is why I said drive to a bank.

To be fair, the OP says she sees her at weekends when banks are shut.

I don't know where she banks, but LLoyds, Barclays and Natwest are open in my town for some of Saturday.

But clearly her mum doesn't want the OP to see her statements.

I am going to be somewhat harsh here and say you seem to be wallowing in all
of this and are making constant excuses as to why you cannot do something or why it’s impossible to get her to produce bank statements. Just WHY?? You are over complicating this situation and I honestly think you are attention seeking too with all of this.

Some banks are open
Or use internet banking. Its not hard.

They aren’t open on the weekends and she lives rural, they are open 9/3 weekday. Where they are open weekend is around me, but she won’t go.

but the not much to be done is where I’m at, because she just won’t cooperate. We’ve booked a week off, she’s been asked to sort a skip for the other house so dh and clear it out and get a surveyor in. I know this won’t be done

Well when pressed she won’t produce it I should say, she gets overwhelmed and starts crying or melting down or shouting and screaming and I don’t know where any of this is kept, she’s not good at organising these things, never has been.

Do you believe this?

At this point I'd say 'Sorry Mum, I'm leaving now, you won't allow me to help you.' Then take your baby and drive home. (I assume you normally stay the night as you won't do the drive in one day.)

She's being abusive. You need to create boundaries and not allow yourself to be treated like this.

I think you have to lay it bare for her @Idlovetoknow .

Mum, you have a choice here. Either you are open with me about your finances and let me help you, or you stop the drama-filled phonecalls about money. You can't have it both ways.

She lives rural and they operate on really limited open hours and she won’t set up online banking just refuses.

Pet food £400? A month?

Oh I see now ’food AND pet food’ 😂

It's all lies though from her.

If she thinks she can't afford things, how does she know if she can't see her bank statements?

why are you accepting this crap ?

See you both have an answer for everything.

If that's the case just say ok well since you won't use internet banking and won't show statements I can't help you. Do not talk to me about any money issue."

Move on

I’m finding this enraging.

due to my life right now, I cannot just drop things and go up and down on a weekend. For me that’s the end of it. I’m prepared to help but I do believe she needs to meet me half way and adjust her expectations.

there is no wallowing. I’m repeating what I’m met with when I offer solutions, all I get from her is my expenses are high and then a melt doen

Yep.

This is what I've been saying.

OP you are coming over a little as if you too enjoy the drama.

You can knock it on the head. Walk away (literally), put the phone down, refuse to engage in her behaviour.

Your Mum is an adult.