Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 ··· 20 21

Original poster

My dad and step mum are ignoring me

517 replies

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Chowtime · 27/07/2023 23:23

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 23:13

Willyoujustbequiet you would argue you in empty room. I'd take note of your username and do just that.

😂

LuciaMimi · 27/07/2023 23:24

ParisP · 27/07/2023 23:12

Best write them a letter apologising for the lack of wedding invite, explaining that you now realise how hurtful it must have been, particularly after being an important part of your life since you were very young. Apologise and state that you’ve given it much thought over the years and regret your decision.

I would go with this. Make amends, acknowledge your mistake. I know money was tight, but it was one extra person and I'm sure costs could be cut off some other part of the wedding budget.

oakleaffy · 27/07/2023 23:25

OP met ''The love of her life''...got pregnant fast...Got married in quick succession- and cold shouldered her family who really have known her a long time..

Marry in haste and all that... Family will be there for you long after a fly by night romance.

I'd be building bridges with the Family, OP.

mummy21blueeyed · 27/07/2023 23:26

You made a woman who’s watched and been part of your growing up since the age of 7 feel like nothing. I’m honestly not surprised you are being ignored. Your child doesn’t deserve it but you surely do. it isn’t the same as a distant cousin or aunt you haven’t seen in 6 months it’s your dads partner who’s been in your life for many years not just a one night stand.

Izzy24 · 27/07/2023 23:26

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

You say ‘their grandchild’ yet you thought it was ok not to invite your stepmom to your wedding ?

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 27/07/2023 23:27

You invited friends but not your step mum since you were 7 and you are surprised by this ?
Their reaction is quite understandable.

You are now sad, this isn’t about you.
You need to apologise and hope they come round

DilettanteMum · 27/07/2023 23:27

OP had clearly made a massive error here. I thought it was a typo when she said "since I was 7" -- surely nobody would think this is ok. Almost unforgivable I am afraid.

I have had a Stepmum since a similar age and the idea of excluding her to this level is just staggering.

isthatmyage · 27/07/2023 23:29

Entitled, much? Has your biological mums partner (as you put it) also been in your life since you were 7?

fortnumsfinest · 27/07/2023 23:30

So you didn't feel she was important enough to attend your wedding but you feel hurt that they're not fawning over "their grandchild"?
Surely you must see the irony in this. You're feeling hurt but her feelings don't matter. You sound very immature op
And going by your reckoning she's your dads wife, quite insignificant to you judging by your actions, so not your child's grandparent so why should she be making an effort to see them.

mummy21blueeyed · 27/07/2023 23:31

Also i have a stepchild I met when he was 7 he is now 10, if I’m still in his life in 15/20 years time as his step parent and he chose not to invite me to his wedding I’d be seriously hurt and I’d be not afraid to share it.

Twonewcats · 27/07/2023 23:32

It all depends on why you were restricted for numbers and how close you are with them.
Someone can be in your life without them being really close to you.
I guess you have to flip it and think if it was your dad who was getting married and he invited you but not the love of your life, would you be ok with that

England101 · 27/07/2023 23:32

OP, I’m guessing there are a lot of step parents on this thread!

I get that you had a small wedding and wanted your mum and dad there. It doesn’t matter how long she’s been in your life she’s not your mum. Similar thing happened to a friend of mine but her stepmum was having an affair with her dad in the beginning of the relationship ( they ended up being together for 10 yrs though ).

But your step mum is probably hurt. And I find parents, especially men will tend to side with the partner rather then make peace (in my experience men seem to walk away from their old family for a new one much more easily- but that’s a side note).

You probably need to apologise, send a card and flowers. Good luck

Izzy24 · 27/07/2023 23:33

My stepdaughter is fairly upfront with her dislike of me but she would not have excluded me from her wedding because she would not have wanted to distress her dad.

TaylorSwiftFan · 27/07/2023 23:33

So you chose not to invite her to your wedding but she's important enough that your wanted her in your baby's life!?!?!?

Sorry that makes no sense!

I think as small a wedding as you wanted you have really hurt her and your Dad. How long before the wedding did you make that decision? Did you know before the wedding day your Dad would not attend?

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 27/07/2023 23:33

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

You should apologise for the hurt feelings instead of holding gc over their head.

Papernotplastic · 27/07/2023 23:34

’I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child’

If your child is ‘their’ grandchild then surely the relationship with your stepmother is important enough to you that she deserved an invitation. You said you didn’t invite your ‘biological’ mum’s partner. Have they been in your life as long as your stepmother? Was this a case of if I invite my stepmother I have to invite my mother’s partner and I loathe him?

‘We were restricted on numbers’ isn’t an apology or explanation. There are other rooms, venues etc that could have accommodated an extra 2 or 3 people. You chose that limit. You hurt her feelings. Yes, it was your wedding and your choice who to invite, but choices have consequences. I like my mother much more than my father. If I’d only invited my mother to my wedding she’d have been really upset on his behalf and it would have had lasting consequences.

If you want them to be involved with your child, then I’d apologise. A proper, unconditional, ‘I fucked up’ apology.

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/07/2023 23:37

You have deeply hurt your dads feelings and hers. Yes it was your wedding, you can have who you want - but you then have to own it if you knowingly hurt someone. You must have seen this coming. I don’t know if it’s repairable - your dad and stepmom now know they/she is not as important to you as they thought - that’s always going to sting.

Wednesdia · 27/07/2023 23:38

I suspect OP won’t be back as she’s had her arse handed to her tbh

but still OP, you were in the wrong. On so many levels.

Iknowthis1 · 27/07/2023 23:39

Are they being unreasonable?

No. You are.
You owe them an apology.

HowAmYa · 27/07/2023 23:39

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

No no, don't be flipping this around to make them look like the bad guys.
You hurt their feelings. I think you don't realise how insensitive you're coming across. It's pretty diabolical.
You're not upset they are missing out on anything. If you were you'd have had them both at the wedding, to make sure they didnt miss a huge life event! Sounds more like you wish they were more involved for other purposes..

You were with your partner a year when you got married. At best just over a year. All of this sounds a bit immature especially when after knowing one another for a year you come out with 'My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected'

You don't know each other. He couldn't even predict that this was the most obvious outcome of your 'joint' decision.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/07/2023 23:40

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

How long had he been with your mum /in your life from 7 like step mum or a few months

I doubt he semi raised you like your uninvited poor stop mum

You were wrong to not invite step mum as you had friends there

You need to say a big sorry to her

HoppingPavlova · 27/07/2023 23:40

You thought it better to invite friends than your parents partners who have been in your life since 7yo? I’d such a small guest list, surely bump 2 friends! If it were me who was snubbed so badly, I wouldn’t make any effort with you either.

Im99912 · 27/07/2023 23:41

But it’s not their grandchild
as by the OP reasoning the SM wasn’t worth inviting to the wedding so I’m not surprised she doesn’t think of your baby as their grandchild and has cut contact with you

if you are real OP and not a troll
you rolled the dice and lost big time

You wanted to hurt this woman - I have no idea why you would want to do this and she and your dad have made the right decision to stay away from you

Your a grown up your married you have a baby
sounds like you lost your dad & SM for acting like a childish brat

I hope it was worth it

and i actually respect your dad for not going to your wedding without his wife , it shows that he has her back and people like that are quite rare

Incognito2023 · 27/07/2023 23:43

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

Well, 2 wrongs don’t make a right

You were very hurtful and need to apologise. Lots.

And possibly apologise to your mum, and her partner as well (but depends on how long they have been together, how serious is their relationship, eg/ do they live together?)

Messyhair321 · 27/07/2023 23:43

WildUnknown · 27/07/2023 22:15

She has stated her mothers partner was not invited

Show quote history

Wonder house long they've been together though

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 ··· 20 21